Oprah's Book Club 2010 Reading List

1.) A Respectable Citizen's Violent Shell Game of Death by Henry Johns

2.) Makin' Sex the Old School Way: The Glory of Leather Condoms by Gerald Granger

3.) Nancy Drew and the Case of the Cum-Stained Turban by Dianne Turner

4.) A Papal Bull for Dickie Jergens and Mr. Bonkers by Cindy Campbell

5.) The Cucumber of Justice by Jose Gonzalez, Jr

6.) Tinker, Taylor, Soldier, Unrepentant Slut by Alison Barnes

7.) Zebra Costume Fart Smack Down : The Tail End of Vengeance by Eleanor Bailey

8.) Jerry-Rigging the Moonshine Still of the Gods by Terry Henderson

9.)Vaginal Stitches Removed From Neighborhood Idiot by Sheri Santiago

10.) Close But No Cigar, You Elephant-Ridin' Bitch! by Arundhati Adija

11.) Disposable Rubber Briefs and Other Tales of Terror : Multiple Authors

12.) Arno Fassbinder's Cinnamon-Scented Kimono by Slappy Ingram

13.) Funky, Chewable, Forbidden, Mau Mau Straight Jacket by Jo Jo "Fruity" Reese

14.) Comin' to Blows with Jesus by Father Simon Delgado

15.) The Salacious, Jumbo-Sized, Grindhouse Pantie-Shredding Machine by Helen Goodman

16.) Professor Larry Meyer : Genetic Cross-Breeding Dynamo by April Showers

17.) Fisticuffs With Chico The Animatronic Werewolf by Dr. Arnold Strickland, M.D.

This Harpo Marx Wig Smells Of Mildew

Don't make this weird guy dressed in a SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS costume bitch-slap you, Ho!

Finger Lickin' Bad

I have written about this ridiculous mask before on this blog. Take a good look at this stupid thing. What kid (who wasn't suffering from some sort of dementia) would actually choose to be Colonel Sanders, the founder the Kentucky Fried Chicken Franchise, for Halloween?

Batman? Nope. Frankenstein's monster? Nope. How about Spiderman? No...I want to be Colonel Sanders for Halloween. WTF????? And even if the kid didn't make this particularly bizarre choice, what parent would be weird enough to pick this out for their child?

This thing was half of an actual Halloween costume. I know this because I witnessed the strange power of this mask first-hand as a kid. This mask was the catalyst for the only time that I have actually wet my pants from laughing so hard that I truly lost control of my bladder. Imagine being at another child's house, a child that you have just met...the kid busts out a Colonel Sanders mask. Then the aforementioned child, without any warning, puts on his Colonel Sanders mask and proceeds to completely flip out as if he is having a spastic fit, flailing around his room running into things and spinning around screaming as if he is a robot who has gone out of control.

At nine or ten years old...whatever age it was...it was the single weirdest thing that I had ever seen a human being do, and this surprise slapstick comedy attack was so fucking hilarious that I could not stop laughing, and the more I laughed, the more the kid freaked out for my enjoyment. It was either part of a routine shtick he performed for guests or a moment of truly inspired lunacy created on the spot...whichever it was, it remains, to this day, one of the funniest things that I have seen in my lifetime.

For years I wondered if this actually happened...I knew it did of course, but it just seemed so weird that I often wondered if I'd dreamt this up myself somehow. I never saw another Colonel Sanders mask again until last week when I thought to google "Colonel Sanders Mask" to prove that I was not hallucinating way back when. As it turned out, someone just happened to be auctioning off one of these idiotic things on eBay...well guess who is now the proud owner if his own, very real, plastic Colonel Sanders Halloween mask? That's right! I'm that stupid/weird! Lucky me! Maybe I'll have to frame this thing....or better yet...wear it when guests come over and surprise them with a little out-of-control freak out.

Takin' A Wiz!

After sitting through the extremely gay musical "Wicked", I have decided to pen my own musical about the magical land of OZ. My musical will focus on the bloody exploits of "Munchkin Hunter" and cannibal, Grimly McDeathkill. Here, for your enjoyment is the opening song from my new musical. ( Our story begins as Grimly first arrives in Munchkinland ).

Grimly:

It's easy to determine the idiots and vermin
All you have to do is look around

It doesn't take a sermon, or a decade of book-learnin'

to see this is a shithole of a town

There's another fucking midget, who's dressed up like an idjut

did you steal your clothing from a clown?

If I see another munchkin, they're gonna get a punchkin

and a slap upside their little munchkin head

All you candy-colored cuties with your stupid curly booties

better run for cover or your dead!

I'm the munchkin killer, yes indeed

and I've sworn an oath to hunt your breed

I'll chop you up and make you bleed

and then burn down your town!

I'm a munchkin eater, yes indeed

I've sworn an oath to hunt your breed

upon your munchkin flesh I'll feed

I'm here to take you down!

CAST :

He's the munchkin killer, yes he is

and he's not here to see the Wiz

In Munchkinland he'll do his biz

and burn it to the ground!

Grimly:

My one and only function

is the death of every munchkin

a task that I have taken on with joy

I'll catch them and I'll kill them

Then I'll bake and broil and grill them

and then this Munchkinland I will destroy!

I'm the munchkin killer, yes I am

Scarier than Son of Sam

I'll eat you like a leg of lamb

I'm here to take you down!

EVERYONE:

He's the munchkin killer, yes he is

and he's not here to see the Wiz

In Munchkinland he'll do his biz

and burn it to the ground!

A Pocket Full Of Kryptonite

A Pocket Full of Kryptonite. Ever hear that album by Spin Doctors? I detest that pile of shit...I also detest Spin Doctors...and their goddamn lead singer that looked like some happy hippie fuck sixties throwback. Fuck Spin Doctors.

But this post is not about the band who brought the world the equivalent of musical diarrhea with such gems as "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong."...(ever see that video? Absolutely vomit inducing), this is a post about kryptonite. Kryptonite...an element created from the remains of Superman's home planet of Krypton that can actually kill Superman. Have you ever tried to kill Superman? Take it from me it's not that easy.

I think we all have a personal form of Kryptonite...something that has a tremendously adverse effect on us..our Achilles heel, the thing that makes our skin crawl at the very thought of it.

Picture yourself as a super hero. A super hero that has been captured by your arch enemy. What weakness does this arch enemy use against you? I have two personal versions of kryptonite : Chewing gum and mayonnaise...both of which completely repulse me. The thought of either can make me nauseous immediately, but if I had to pick the worst of these two evils, I would have to go for chewing gum... a creation so foul and annoying to me that it literally makes me want to punch people in their gum-chomping jaws, and I won't even go into what evil thoughts I have entertained concerning the idiots who repeatedly pop their gum loudly as if it's some form of toy for their jaws to play with. I have never seen the movie "Saw" or any of it's 5,000 sequels (surprisingly), but I imagine that the fantasies that I reserve for such inconsiderate, oblivious assholes would be something along the line of the horrors depicted in those films. Just the smell of gum is revolting to me. It smells like what I would imagine an evil clown would smell like, like Pennywise from Stephen King's book "It"...it's a sickly sweet stench that I find absolutely repulsive...in any of its foul incarnations, "minty", fruity", etc...they are each a slice of the devil's feces in my opinion.

This would be the element that my arch enemy would use against me if I were a super hero. Luckily, I have always tended to side with the villains so hopefully I will never find myself locked in a room packed with gum-chomping retards.