That Smooth Malt Liquor Taste!

This morning I headed over to Earl's live bait shop to see if he sold live children. I was going to try to catch me a witch and I was pretty sure that witches eat children. I always wanted to fly around on a broom stick and cast spells on people and live in a house made of candy...my father said that was all because I was a fucking retard. That's just what Earl said when I asked him if he sold live kids to catch a witch with. After he said that I talked really slowly, explaining all of this again to make sure he hadn't misunderstood me. Earl suggested that I leave his store before he put his foot up my ass. I informed him that if he wanted to put his foot up my ass then he might be the one who's retarded...either that or he might be a crazy pervert. At that point Earl sort of bashed me in the face with the butt of a shotgun he kept behind the counter.

When I regained consciousness I was being dragged down a dark and musty flight of steps by Earl. I was dazed from the blow to my head and couldn't think straight. Earl roughly jerked me into a dark basement area...I could hear the sound of water in the distance. I asked Earl what he was doing, but instead of giving me a straight answer he kicked me in the face, knocking me out cold again. When I awoke the next time I was hanging upside down by my ankles and Earl was lowering me slowly into a watery pit. In the murky water of the pit swam a gigantic alligator. The biggest one I ever saw. Again I asked Earl what the hell he was doing. "What the hell does it look like I'm doing you dipshit? I'm feeding you to my goddamn alligator!".

I thought about screaming but figured Earl would just knock me out cold again, so instead I started to swing back and forth, ever so gently. Before Earl knew what hit him I had swung into him full force, knocking him into the gator pit and seizing hold of the rope to stop my decent. Below me I could hear Earl screaming bloody murder as he was eaten alive by his own monstrous pet. I will never forget those horrible screams or the chomping sound of the gator's mighty jaws on Earl's puffy flesh. It sounded something like: Chomp! Chomp! Chomp! "Oh FUCK! Help me! Oh God, NO! Oh Holy Jesus!" Chomp! Chomp! "Oh HOLY FUCKING GOD! AHHHHHHH!"

I wondered how long I would be able to just hang there over the pit before the gator got hungry again and decided to try to make a go for me. He would surely be able leap up far enough to bite off my head..and I sure liked having a head...especially mine. After the gator bit my head off it would only be a matter of time before my body would lose its grip on the rope and follow my head's journey into the monster's jaws. Slowly I began to lose hope. I prayed for God to send Wonder Woman to rescue me and then show me her tits. I cried out in terror, hoping someone upstairs might hear my pleas. Moments later I heard footsteps descending the stairs. A thin man stepped out of the shadows to greet me. The man wore black leather thong underwear and a moldy Jack-o-Lantern on his head. His shoes were made of wood, so I instantly assumed his heritage to be Dutch. When I asked him why he was wearing a rotting Jack-O-Lantern on his head he quickly corrected me...according to the weirdo in the thong it was to actually referred to as a "Jacques-O-Lanterarium". The man then informed me that he could grant wishes and that today was my lucky day. After freeing me from my previously precarious predicament the pumpkin wearing oddball introduced himself as "Johnny Justice: Bringer of The Holy Light of Ishtar". I introduced myself as "Chuck"...then quickly thought better of using my real name and re-introduced myself as "Mr. Benny Kleinman of 241 Hampshire Terrace South, Apartment B-2".

Following a brief scuffle, during which the strange man attempted to remove my pants, I was asked my heart's desire. What was it that I wished to wish for? Taking the man at face value as a complete lunatic I wished for a Dragon who sported the head of Don Knotts and had floppy dildos for ears, and upon who's back road the entire cast of the television show "B.J. and the Bear". The dragon was to live on marmalade and be a proud member of the Kiss Army. This was a decision I was soon to regret as the man turned out to prove good on what I thought to be insane boasting. Now what the fuck am I going to do with this stupid dragon? And that goddamn chimpanzee who played "The Bear" keeps throwing his feces at me. The rest of the cast also drank all of my beer and when I politely suggested they all take on some type of day jobs they told me to get fucked.

One more bathtub gin for the road

This morning, as I was applying my minstrel show make-up, I stopped to admire my "World's Greatest Grandma" mug. How lucky was I to have won this coveted title? I couldn't recall even having any grandchildren, much less getting a sex change. The lord works in mysterious ways...like when he finally gave that crazy homeless guy who hangs around outside the taqueria a broken cell phone so it looked like he was actually talking to someone who wasn't invisible for a change.


Raquel was exhausted after the early morning sexcapades. Those homemade werewolf costumes really make you work up a sweat. We had to quiet down after the upstairs neighbor complained about all the howling. The sex was incredible I must say...you haven't had sex until you've fucked a werewolf. It was nice to know that Raquel wasn't still mad at me after the argument we had last night over Abraham Lincoln's Facebook page being authentic or not. I mean, I seriously doubt an assassinated president would be that computer savvy. I gave up trying to convince her of this when she stabbed me in the leg with her Scorpion's Sting limited edition buck knife. I'll have to get her to stop watching "Knife Collector's Warehouse" on QVC. Man does that woman love a good blade. I, myself, am partial to a nice fake mustache and beard...I stocked up at Long's Drugs last Halloween, and now I have one for every day of the week. I am unable to grow facial hair after the charbroiling incident at Carl's Jr.

I had to warn Raquel that if she stabbed me again I wouldn't put up her bail next time she ran afoul of the law...which seems in her case to be every five minutes. Only this morning she wanted to rob the Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits down the block. I just caught her as she was walking out the door with that stupid Arnold Schwarzenegger mask on, Glock in hand. She cursed me in what I suspect might have been Yiddish...either that or it was just made-up gibberish. Then she tried to remove my teeth with a pair of pliers. Women! I had to calm her down with my pornographic ventriloquist dummy routine.


Uncle Wally called again and left a long voicemail message...which is strange given the fact that he passed away some years ago. He always was a talker...all those years spent as a barber gave him a real love of small talk. I, myself lack the gift of gab...I prefer pantomime or telekinesis. Can ventriloquist dummies get pregnant? I sure hope not as I forgot to wear a condom this time.

My mother also called this morning. She said I was correct, "The Gore Gore Girls" is an underrated classic film and she also mentioned that she'd written a new two act play she was calling "Crunchy The Goat and Bo Bo Fondle a Pair of Bodacious Ta Tas" . She plans to produce and direct the play off, off Broadway and hopes to cast Artie Johnson in the role of Bo Bo. The plot involves two characters who summon a pair of gigantic breasts after finding a magical plastic nose flute. Sounds like she might be in line for a Tony award after all! It should probably do better than her last two efforts, "The Importance of being Ernest P. Worrell" and "Defiling Dolly's Underpants", both of which were major flops.

Our Latest Movie Project :The God Complex

Just some on set stills from our latest project, all second unit shoots for Mark Pirro's biblical comedy, "The God Complex". I suppose we're all just going to Hell in a hand basket for this shit. The movie has wrapped and we were happy to contribute our first high definition, widescreen movie footage to this blasphemous outing. I'm sure God will be happy to see that the two idiotic Butte County Deputies from "Monsturd" and "RetarDead" managed to squeeze in a fleeting cameo appearance.

My Most Hideous Painting Ever

This is truly the goddamn ugliest thing I have ever painted...and purposefully so. It inspires one to reach for an air sickness bag.

"Against The Dark" Can Fucking Eat Me!

"Against The Dark"...you promised me the moon and stars. Puffy, bloated, old Steven Seagal against an army of vampires...how could anything be so incredibly fantastic? How could this not be the greatest film ever made by anyone? I truly believed in you ,"Against The Dark". But you didn't deliver what you promised me and for that I am going to cut your head off with Steven Seagal's vampire killer sword. You wanted to be Richard Matheson's "I am Legend"...do you know how I know that? Because you kept hammering it over the fucking head..."We're the monsters now..."....Oh I get it...just like "I am Legend"...Fuck you "Against The Dark"....and hey...do you even know what vampires are? They are those blood-sucking creatures with fangs that are allergic to sunlight...sometimes they can turn into bats...your "vampires" were fucking zombies...or something like that...more like the infected hoards of "rage" victims from "28 Days Later"...whatever the hell they were, they weren't goddamn vampires. ...they were just infected people who liked to eat intestines...how does that make them vampires? Boy you sure loved to spout that pretentious dialogue..over and over and over...three goddamn thoughts said in 200 whiny, self-important and slightly different ways...you know what you could have used more of "Against The Dark"? More of goddamn Steven Seagal saying stupid shit and impaling people (or rather "vampires"...groan) on sharp objects...I didn't see any stakes through hearts...I didn't see any stupid CGI bat people...I didn't see any "vampires" burning in the sunlight....I saw a bunch of footage of Steven Seagal walking around with a sword inter cut with a lame rehash of "28 Days Later", that's what I fucking saw, you fraud!

At least you had the goddamn common courtesy to step up the Seagal factor in the last half of your shitty "28 Days Later" ripoff... at least you did that much for me...at least you had Seagal in a horror movie...but fuck you for dropping the ball "Against The Dark"...fuck you for not being what you should have been...the ULTIMATE retarded Steven Seagal crapfest! You talked dirty to me "Against The Dark" and then you didn't fuck me. You got me all worked up...then pissed on my parade, you lame asshole! When you said "Seagal Versus Vampires" you set expectations that must be achieved or there was bound to be one fucking non-vampire, i.e. me who was going to be out for blood....oh but according to "Against The Dark"...I may in fact BE A VAMPIRE! All I have to do is eat someone...I guess the vampires have eased up on their membership requirements in recent years.

This movie should have had much more violence...and much more Seagal....and ANY vampires that really seemed like vampires. Seagal should have had the lion's share of dialogue and screen time and not these pretty people I didn't give a flying fuck about. These people should have just been vampire fodder. There wasn't enough arm breaking or groin kicking or people getting thrown through windows or people getting impaled...in short...it didn't seem much like a Seagal movie...just a bad horror film.

I feel like Neville Chamberlain after that experience! I've been duped! Violated! But I deserve it...I walked right into this one....and secretly...somewhere in my ridiculous mind I still could justify watching this again...just on principle....now if you will excuse me...I have to go "Watch Out For Justice" to purge myself.

My Hideous Margaret Keane Painting

This is truly the stuff of nightmares. This was a wedding gift that I painted as a joke for my friends Molly and Scott Britton. It was a spoof of the paintings of Margaret Keane...the children with the big sad eyes...although the joke is almost lost because I painted Molly and Scott smiling rather than sad and pathetic...but still...Jesus Christ this thing is grotesque.

More Night Gallery Paintings

Here are a few more paintings for yee old Night Gallery

Handy Tips From The Information Society

Hello, I am Dr. Radford Baines of The Information Society. I am here to share with you a few scientific facts concerning your own personal safety.

1.) If you awaken to see actor Eric Estrada floating outside of your window at midnight, nude and covered in blood. DO NOT OPEN YOUR WINDOW TO ASK FOR AN AUTOGRAPH! He has probably become a vampire and will most likely have come to your home to attempt to drink your blood.

2.) Babies are soft and squishy and should not be used in Karate exercises. Their bones are still developing and they are often unable to defend themselves against a vicious assault. They are also fairly worthless during an attack by an army of rats except as a distracting and tantalizing bait

3.) Elderly people should never be left alone with young children because they will try to eat them to absorb their life essence and prolong their own lives. This doesn't work, but they will try it anyway...NEVER TRUST THE ELDERLY!

4.) Dwarfs eat black window spiders and rape people with bowling pins.

5.) If Jim Varney was still alive, they could make a movie titled "Ernest Gets His Freak On"

6.) Death can be treated with common Pepto Bismol.

7.) ArallaMaPafillia is a medical term for a sexual attraction to Ma & Pa Kettle, something that you personally suffer from.

8.) Mayonnaise can be used to impregnate Wax Museum sculptures

9.) Pants were originally electric, before humans developed a way to walk on their own.

10.) Toffifay candy uses the slogan "Toffifay is too good for kids, but not too good for me!" to appeal to the elderly demographic who favor the candy. The original slogan was "Get your fuckin' hands off my goddamn candy you little fucker, before I bite yer fuckin' fingers off so you can't touch it again!"

11.) I have created a line of colorful Flintstones chewable prophylactics

12.) The cereal logo character Captain Crunch was a based on an actual figure from History. Captain James Crunch, and infamous slave trader who was brutally murdered in a brothel in 1792.

13.) Jack-O-Lanterns can be used to ward off venereal disease.

14.) Hormel Chili is made from body parts and intestines stolen from hazardous waste dumpsters at hospitals around the country.

The Monsturd Coverbox Rejected By The MPAA

So it comes to this. My cinematic legacy, such as it is, boils down to the most repulsive DVD cover box I've seen outside of something that might be tucked into the back shelves of your seedier porno shops. The MPAA refused to grant us an "R" rating if we used this cover...not sure how that works...they also have input on cover box art work? In any case, Blockbuster Video (who, upon its initial release, astoundingly, purchased 4,000 copies of this movie) refused to carry Monsturd if we used this cover box design. I will go on record as saying that the first time I saw this cover box layout, my jaw dropped. I was shocked and repulsed by it...and yet had to admit that this was the point of the whole joke of the movie in the first place. I will also go on record as saying, "Blockbuster Video bought 4,000 copies of this thing? Were the people in acquisitions sniffing glue or huffing spray paint when they made that choice?" Well, here the infamous banned cover yet again has risen from the dead, as our new distributor, Brain Damage films, (appropriate, no?) has chosen to exhume this ghastly cover box for our 2009 re-release. I find this cover box design to be simultaneously repulsive and fascinating...it's really just so wrong on so many levels. If I could assess this from any objective distance I would probably cringe. But, alas, I cannot. We reap what we sow. All fingers...including those made out of shit, point back to myself and Rick Popko on this one. Looking at this monstrosity makes me sympathize with John Waters every time he is asked the question : "So did Divine REALLY eat dog shit in Pink Flamingos?". This concept is about as lowbrow as one could stoop to to get attention and garner any type of notoriety in the present market of low-budget indie movies . I suppose it's exactly what we deserve.

Another Ghastly Painting For My Night Gallery

My good friend John Perkins, who owns this fabulous old monstrosity emailed me a photo of one of my past oil works that didn't fall into the category of utter shit. I was always rather fond of this painting and was very happy to get a photograph of the old bastard. Given my past record of trading all of my old oil paintings for drugs, I am happy that a record of this one exists at all. Thankfully neither John or myself are potheads any longer and it's nice to know that a painting I actually had some affection for was not traded for several hits of acid and lost forever from my records.

Kill Switch! Now That's Goddamn EXPLOITAINMENT!

Ahhhhhhh, "Kill Switch" written by and starring Steven Segal, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. For starters, Seagal wrote this baby so you know it's chock full of tasty Steven Seagal goodness. It's also the film that gives a whole new meaning to the term, "hammer time!". Yes, among other delightful antics, Steven Seagal and his 30 year old stunt double beat the sweet living shit out of a serial killer with a hammer, which cracked the serial killer up literally while I cracked up figuratively. As Seagal cracked bones, he also cracked wise in his new, nutty, semi-Cajun southern drawl. There's just nothing better than old, puffy Seagal saying his lines with an accent seasoned with a little Cajun spice. In "Urban Justice" he talked like a black hip hop artist...here he's a southern, not-so-good ole boy, Yee Haw! He show 'nuff likes them funny voices, Lord have mercy!


This movie has little a something for everyone. Especially if, like me, you happen to have very bad taste in entertainment . There is a vomiting F.B.I agent, a clown-eating cannibal joke (does this taste funny to you?), Isaac Hayes as a coroner, Seagal slamming a pimp's teeth into the bar of a local watering hole and pounding them into the wood by bashing him over the head, as if Seagal was the business end of a hammer and the pimp, a nail. Talk about getting hammered at a bar! (rim shot! Cue laugh track) This is the Seagal I know and love.

Did I mention the geriatric Seagal's 30 year old stunt double in the wacky Dracula wig? It appears that Steven has completely given up even appearing in his own fight scenes and now simply has the director film a bunch of quick zoom close-ups of him waving his arms around in the air like a spastic freak. These shots are then just randomly repeated throughout the fight scenes in this movie...which gives the impression that they are attempting some kind of Naked Gun-type visual gag. I kid you not, it became that retarded. Close up, puffy, elderly Seagal, cut away to overhead shot of 30 year old stunt man in funny Neil Diamond wig beating the shit out of the actor playing the villain. Cut back to same repeating close of of puffy, elderly Seagal waving his arms around. Repeat every few seconds.

There are two killers in this film (well three if you count the one in the recurring flashbacks), the first of whom is thrown out of a four story window by Seagal (several times if the jarringly-repeated editing is any indication). This man later walks out of jail with nary a scratch on his person, as if he were a particularly resilient Warner Brothers cartoon character. He sports not so much as a scab, he doesn't limp...nothing...did Jesus Christ manifest himself in his hospital room and cure the fucker? What the hell is up with that?

I should also mention that Steven Seagal's head has now swelled to the size of a pumpkin. He looks like a puffy-eyed jack-o-lantern with a widows peak.

So, in case you cannot discern by this glowing assessment, I give this fucker four shiny stars and a blue ribbon. This will be given its rightful place of honor in my DVD collection.

That's Exploitainment

Exploitainment...what a wonderful term. I had never heard that before today. I was browsing the Skepdic.com site (The Skeptic's Dictionary) for terms related to parapsychology for a haunted house story I'm writing when I stumbled upon this wonderful term...EXPLOITAINMENT!!!!! My new favorite word. It would make P.T. Barnum proud. I think I'll go home tonight and watch some EXPLOITAINMENT!

Speaking of EXPLOITANMENT!...I must really bring up the touchy subject of "Against The Dark"...the new Steven Seagal movie that supposedly pits him against "vampires"...well I have tried to sit through this movie twice now and it's only coming in baby steps...not enough puffy, old, bloated Seagal for my taste...I mean really...he should be on screen in every scene...but no....our portly, pony tailed hero just randomly pops in and out every ten minutes to wave a fucking sword around...and these vampires seem an awful lot like zombies to me...I am more than a little disappointed and thankfully, because I had been forewarned about this movie, threw another Seagal onto the Netflix barbie, the very promising (which in my world translates as : hopefully extremely retarded) "Kill Switch". Now that promises some serious EXPLOITAINMENT! I will give a full diagnosis of "Against The Dark" once I can stomach watching the entire piece of shit in one sitting....but the prognosis is not looking good for Steven and his blood-sucking (or rather cock-sucking) friends, the vampires who are actually zombies. I cannot tell you how shattered I am that this movie was not all I had hoped it would be. Where is the justice in the universe?