This morning, as I was applying my minstrel show make-up, I stopped to admire my "World's Greatest Grandma" mug. How lucky was I to have won this coveted title? I couldn't recall even having any grandchildren, much less getting a sex change. The lord works in mysterious ways...like when he finally gave that crazy homeless guy who hangs around outside the taqueria a broken cell phone so it looked like he was actually talking to someone who wasn't invisible for a change.
Raquel was exhausted after the early morning sexcapades. Those homemade werewolf costumes really make you work up a sweat. We had to quiet down after the upstairs neighbor complained about all the howling. The sex was incredible I must say...you haven't had sex until you've fucked a werewolf. It was nice to know that Raquel wasn't still mad at me after the argument we had last night over Abraham Lincoln's Facebook page being authentic or not. I mean, I seriously doubt an assassinated president would be that computer savvy. I gave up trying to convince her of this when she stabbed me in the leg with her Scorpion's Sting limited edition buck knife. I'll have to get her to stop watching "Knife Collector's Warehouse" on QVC. Man does that woman love a good blade. I, myself, am partial to a nice fake mustache and beard...I stocked up at Long's Drugs last Halloween, and now I have one for every day of the week. I am unable to grow facial hair after the charbroiling incident at Carl's Jr.
I had to warn Raquel that if she stabbed me again I wouldn't put up her bail next time she ran afoul of the law...which seems in her case to be every five minutes. Only this morning she wanted to rob the Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits down the block. I just caught her as she was walking out the door with that stupid Arnold Schwarzenegger mask on, Glock in hand. She cursed me in what I suspect might have been Yiddish...either that or it was just made-up gibberish. Then she tried to remove my teeth with a pair of pliers. Women! I had to calm her down with my pornographic ventriloquist dummy routine.
Uncle Wally called again and left a long voicemail message...which is strange given the fact that he passed away some years ago. He always was a talker...all those years spent as a barber gave him a real love of small talk. I, myself lack the gift of gab...I prefer pantomime or telekinesis. Can ventriloquist dummies get pregnant? I sure hope not as I forgot to wear a condom this time.
My mother also called this morning. She said I was correct, "The Gore Gore Girls" is an underrated classic film and she also mentioned that she'd written a new two act play she was calling "Crunchy The Goat and Bo Bo Fondle a Pair of Bodacious Ta Tas" . She plans to produce and direct the play off, off Broadway and hopes to cast Artie Johnson in the role of Bo Bo. The plot involves two characters who summon a pair of gigantic breasts after finding a magical plastic nose flute. Sounds like she might be in line for a Tony award after all! It should probably do better than her last two efforts, "The Importance of being Ernest P. Worrell" and "Defiling Dolly's Underpants", both of which were major flops.
Raquel was exhausted after the early morning sexcapades. Those homemade werewolf costumes really make you work up a sweat. We had to quiet down after the upstairs neighbor complained about all the howling. The sex was incredible I must say...you haven't had sex until you've fucked a werewolf. It was nice to know that Raquel wasn't still mad at me after the argument we had last night over Abraham Lincoln's Facebook page being authentic or not. I mean, I seriously doubt an assassinated president would be that computer savvy. I gave up trying to convince her of this when she stabbed me in the leg with her Scorpion's Sting limited edition buck knife. I'll have to get her to stop watching "Knife Collector's Warehouse" on QVC. Man does that woman love a good blade. I, myself, am partial to a nice fake mustache and beard...I stocked up at Long's Drugs last Halloween, and now I have one for every day of the week. I am unable to grow facial hair after the charbroiling incident at Carl's Jr.
I had to warn Raquel that if she stabbed me again I wouldn't put up her bail next time she ran afoul of the law...which seems in her case to be every five minutes. Only this morning she wanted to rob the Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits down the block. I just caught her as she was walking out the door with that stupid Arnold Schwarzenegger mask on, Glock in hand. She cursed me in what I suspect might have been Yiddish...either that or it was just made-up gibberish. Then she tried to remove my teeth with a pair of pliers. Women! I had to calm her down with my pornographic ventriloquist dummy routine.
Uncle Wally called again and left a long voicemail message...which is strange given the fact that he passed away some years ago. He always was a talker...all those years spent as a barber gave him a real love of small talk. I, myself lack the gift of gab...I prefer pantomime or telekinesis. Can ventriloquist dummies get pregnant? I sure hope not as I forgot to wear a condom this time.
My mother also called this morning. She said I was correct, "The Gore Gore Girls" is an underrated classic film and she also mentioned that she'd written a new two act play she was calling "Crunchy The Goat and Bo Bo Fondle a Pair of Bodacious Ta Tas" . She plans to produce and direct the play off, off Broadway and hopes to cast Artie Johnson in the role of Bo Bo. The plot involves two characters who summon a pair of gigantic breasts after finding a magical plastic nose flute. Sounds like she might be in line for a Tony award after all! It should probably do better than her last two efforts, "The Importance of being Ernest P. Worrell" and "Defiling Dolly's Underpants", both of which were major flops.
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