Hello, I am Dr. Radford Baines of The Information Society. I am here to share with you a few scientific facts concerning your own personal safety.
1.) If you awaken to see actor Eric Estrada floating outside of your window at midnight, nude and covered in blood. DO NOT OPEN YOUR WINDOW TO ASK FOR AN AUTOGRAPH! He has probably become a vampire and will most likely have come to your home to attempt to drink your blood.
2.) Babies are soft and squishy and should not be used in Karate exercises. Their bones are still developing and they are often unable to defend themselves against a vicious assault. They are also fairly worthless during an attack by an army of rats except as a distracting and tantalizing bait
3.) Elderly people should never be left alone with young children because they will try to eat them to absorb their life essence and prolong their own lives. This doesn't work, but they will try it anyway...NEVER TRUST THE ELDERLY!
4.) Dwarfs eat black window spiders and rape people with bowling pins.
5.) If Jim Varney was still alive, they could make a movie titled "Ernest Gets His Freak On"
6.) Death can be treated with common Pepto Bismol.
7.) ArallaMaPafillia is a medical term for a sexual attraction to Ma & Pa Kettle, something that you personally suffer from.
8.) Mayonnaise can be used to impregnate Wax Museum sculptures
9.) Pants were originally electric, before humans developed a way to walk on their own.
10.) Toffifay candy uses the slogan "Toffifay is too good for kids, but not too good for me!" to appeal to the elderly demographic who favor the candy. The original slogan was "Get your fuckin' hands off my goddamn candy you little fucker, before I bite yer fuckin' fingers off so you can't touch it again!"
11.) I have created a line of colorful Flintstones chewable prophylactics
12.) The cereal logo character Captain Crunch was a based on an actual figure from History. Captain James Crunch, and infamous slave trader who was brutally murdered in a brothel in 1792.
13.) Jack-O-Lanterns can be used to ward off venereal disease.
14.) Hormel Chili is made from body parts and intestines stolen from hazardous waste dumpsters at hospitals around the country.
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