The children sat attentively, waiting for me to begin the morning's lesson. I opened the bible on a random page and pretended to read.
"The rain had been coming down in buckets for several hours as Dickie and Pickles desperately attempted to seal their makeshift ark with Elmer's glue. It wasn't so much an ark as it was a big wooden shack nailed to a raft. Several months previous, Dickie had overheard the voice of God speak to his next door neighbor, Noah about his plans for an impending flood and some instructions concerning Noah gathering animals in a giant ark. Dickie and Pickles had been on the fence about taking it all seriously until they'd seen Noah at work with his sons, Shemp and Hambone, building the aforementioned gigantic ark.
"They'd been procrastinating until the weather began to take a turn for the worse and then quickly tried to make up for lost time by gathering all the animals they could get their hands on at such short notice. They'd succeeded in rounding up a dodo bird, a tyrannosaurs rex egg, a chicken, a couple maggots, a ceramic piranha fish from the 99 cent store, a tarantula and some crazy guy wearing a mule costume. It promised to be fairly cramped and unpleasant in their hastily constructed ark, but with any luck they would ride out this storm and curry some favor with the big guy in the sky for their efforts. Unfortunately when God saw unto what Dickie and Pickles were doing he did smote them and did pull off their arms and legs and laughed as they lay dying. The angry and vengeful God did then send them to Hell where Satan took pity on Dickie and Pickles and granted them any wish their hearts desired."
I had been the bible studies teacher at St. Anthony's of the Bloody Skull for over two months now and no one was yet wise to my little game. As a militant Satanist, I'd taken it upon myself to infiltrate the Catholic school system and spread the word of Satan from the inside. I'd previously been employed as an art teacher at Satan's School for Girls but was asked to resign after disrobing in front of my class during a nude figure study lesson. My unemployed status had me up a financial creek as my residual checks from the short-lived sitcom, "Joni Loves Chachi" were getting smaller by the month. No one in their right mind wanted to syndicate reruns of that pile of shit and my last check for $1.25 proved that fact. At my age the thought of auditioning for dead end sitcom pilots and Burger King commercials made my stomach turn, which was fine if I was auditioning for a diarrhea medicine commercial, but the last time I'd tried that sort of method approach I'd crapped my pants in front of the director. By shaking the foundations of the Catholic church from the inside I was killing two birds with one stone. I was speading the word of Satan and picking up a paycheck at the same time. Now I could fuel my lottery scratch off addiction to my heart's content.
One of the children raised his hand with a question. I gestured for the child to proceed. "My dad says that all of your lessons sound like a crazy person made them up." He said. I laughed and then spat on the floor. "Well, your dad's a punk, kid. Sit your smart ass back down and don't talk smack."
Another child raised her hand. "Yes?" The girl stood. "Why are you wearing a diaper over your pants?" I ignored the question and performed a handstand before the students, then placed a black comb beneath my nose to create a makeshift Adolf Hitler Moustache. "Heil Hitler!" I snarled, giving a Nazi salute and then suddenly threw up on my desk. Moments later, as I mopped my shirtfront and tie with a Kleenex, I was surprised by a gentle knocking at the classroom door. I seized the letter opener from my desk to use as a weapon in case of attack and turned to face Father Pat O'Brien, the school Principal, standing in the doorway with a look of great concern. I jabbed the letter opener at the priest as my students gasped with horror. "You'll never take me alive, O'Brien!" I screamed, donning my Darth Vadar Helmet, and quickly jumping out of a window to make my escape. "Hail Satan! You've all been had, fuckers!" I screamed back at the class as I bolted across the playground.
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