The film projector sputtered to a stop. The squad room was silent save for Sergeant McCullough's wheezy breathing. No one seemed to be able to figure out why Captain Hooper had just shown three consecutive episodes of the 1960s cartoon series, "The Archie Show" to the entire vice squad. Hooper stepped forward, standing behind the podium next to the projector.
"Red-haired bastard!" he hissed, obviously referring to the cartoons' lead character, Archie Andrews. "I hate that carrot-topped fuck!" he said and kicked the back of the podium.
Finally Sergeant Turner raised his hand. "What is it Turner? I'm trying to brood." Turner cleared his throat. "Can I use the john? I'm prairie doggin' it like nobody's business over here."
Hooper waved Turner out of the room impatiently. Turner rose from his seat and timidly skulked out of the squad room, leaving the rest of us to brave Hooper's latest insane tirade.
Last week he'd show the vice squad two low-budget horror films about deadly spiders, "The Giant Spider Invasion" and "Kingdom of the Spiders" starring William Shatner. He'd prefaced the screenings as food for thought, a set of hypothetical situations for which we might want to formulate a department strategy in case of such occurrences, no matter how slim the chances of their happening might be. "We must prepare for the impending arachnid threat!" he'd warned us without a hint of irony.
Now this week he was about to sound off about a fictional red-headed teenager that he seemed to have taken a great dislike to. Hooper held up a black and white drawing of Archie Andrews and frowned with distaste. "This guy...this Archie Andrews fuck! He's some piece of work, this clown. Him and his stupid red hair and that souped up jalopy of his." Hooper tacked the picture to the wall and turned back to face us. "Attends Riverdale High School. Known associates are Jughead Jones and Reggie Mantle . Also known to associate with Betty Cooper and Veronica Lodge and a big guy they call 'Moose' Mason. Frequently seen hanging around Pop Tate's Chocklit Shoppe. " Hooper pulled a switch blade from his trouser pocket and popped open the blade. He turned to the picture tacked to the wall behind him and stabbed the blade into the forehead of Archie Andrews. "I want this smug fuck little asshole apprehended toot sweet, and I mean DEAD OR ALIVE!" he said.
I raised my hand. The Captain glared at me, anticipating my usual sarcastic quip. "What is it, Chapman? The comedian's got another Laugh-In catch phrase at the ready, I suppose?" I ignored the jab and pointed to the picture. "What if he's wearing a werewolf mask?" I asked. "How will we know it's really this Andrews character?" Captain Hooper pondered the question for a moment. "I'll have some silver bullets made, Chapman. We can't take any chances."
I stood up and loosened my tie. "I'd better go undercover dressed as a crazy Chinaman on this one Cap...I'll wear huge buck teeth and coke bottle glasses and talk in an offensive Chinese accent. I can apply for a job at Benihana tonight. I'll act just like Jerry Lewis did in his hilarious comedy classic, 'Hardly Working'. We should set up a dragnet...literally...drag a giant net down the city streets and see what and who we catch in that net. We'll post snipers on every rooftop to shoot random innocent bystanders and we'll sell tickets for Farris wheel rides. We can also sell candy and hot dogs and set up a spook house for the kids with a real working guillotine to decapitate the children as they exit. I just hope my DVD copy of 'Deep Inside Annie Sprinkle' still plays with all of that semen all over it."
Captain Hooper was obviously impressed. "Top notch Lieutenant. I like the cut of your underpants." he said. "They're leather." I said. The Captain turned to the squad room's chalkboard and began to scribble squiggly lines of gibberish as he spoke. "I want everyone supplied with a 'Chicken Inspector' badge and large rubber hand glove that gives the appearance that your hand has been run over by a steam roller. I want the SWAT team sharpshooters to wear wooden shoes and dress like the Dutch Boy on the paint cans so they don't draw attention to themselves. We'll tell everyone that it's 'National Holland Day' so they'll simply blend in. This way if they get cornered by a person in a werewolf mask they can fight them off with their shoes."
I cletched my fists in glee. "The Year is One! Hail Satan!" I screamed. The other officers quickly chimed in. "Hail Satan! Hail Satan!"
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