My friend Rick has a monster in his closet. You know those films like "Poltergeist"...or, well "Monster In The Closet" in which things like that happen? Well Rick literally has a monster in his closet. It's not alive, but that's hardly the point...he can say "I have a monster in my closet" in mixed company and he wouldn't be lying. A lot of people can't say that. True, a lot of people wouldn't want to say it but that isn't the point either. The point is that THE MAN HAS A MONSTER IN HIS CLOSET! When we finished the movie "Monsturd" we simply couldn't part with the gigantic costume that was ultimately sealed together as one gigantic piece, so it isn't so much a costume anymore as it is a grizzly hollow statue made of spray foam insulation. So technically I guess you would say that Rick has a "Monsturd" in his closet...which is a very strange thing to say, technically or otherwise. Isn't that and interesting story? No? Well then go fuck yourself. I thought it was fascinating and quite electrifying. If I had a monster in MY closet I would have my nephew and niece come visit and right before they took the Sleepytown train to Snoozeville I would open the closet and say.."Oh...by the way...don't be scared kids, but there's this monster in this closet...but don't worry...he's dead." Then I would turn out the lights and lock the bedroom door.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Hail To The King, Baby!
Tonight my friend Rick treated me to my Christmas present, the new Bruce Campbell movie : "My Name Is Bruce"...hosted by (Director/Actor) Bruce Campbell himself here in San Francisco at the Bridge Theater, and GODDAMN!!! The horror/comedy nerd in me is one happy movie geek tonight! Campbell's Q&A session with host (drag queen/movie geek/local celebrity) Peaches Christ had to be one the the most hilarious movie intros I've seen since Peaches' pre-movie Q&A session with "Godfather Of Gore", Herschell Gordon Lewis before last year's midnight showing of "The Wizard Of Gore". Campbell is laugh out loud funny and it was a very special moment to see the man "singing for his supper", on a cross country tour to pimp his self-deprecating comedy.
Me likes some Bruce Campbell and he did not disappoint in any way, shape or form. Not only was Campbell's intro hilarious, but the film was funnier than I had possibly hoped it would be after reading about it in this month's Fangoria magazine...and Jesus..right now I must sound like a twelve year old kid playing with Jason and Freddy dolls....but when I get to have such a special night out laughing that fucking hard...well I have certain, special reasons to geek-out over this crap. "My Name Is Bruce" was goddamn hilarious. This baby was sooooo up my alley! Gory..mostly cartoonish, sarcastic as Hell, heavy on the slapstick , crazy and surreal at times, and had wonderfully nutty dialogue : "You guys ready for some violence?...yeah!" The idea was clever and well-executed and a great treat for fans of Campbell as a total wise-cracking idiot. No one plays a wise-cracking, ego maniacal dipshit like Bruce Campbell, and in a movie tailor-made for his Evil Dead "Ash" persona that is as funny as this was...well let's just say I had no complaints. I give the man kudos not only for a fantastic evening but for directing and starring in a really funny movie. Sure, some jokes might be lost on folks not familiar with Campbell's body of work, but the story is still solid and very funny and sarcastic and sometimes mildy mean spirited in a very endearing way...and I do like my mean-spirited gags peppered in as seasoning...and there was plenty to satisfy my particular mean-spirited sweet tooth. Hail to the king , baby!
Oh Boy! A Box Of Free, Used, Sex Toys!
My electrifying personal posts on craigs list for this week:
Sexy Soul Mate Sought For Wax Figure Of Burt Reynolds - 38 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-961974469@craigslist.org?subject=Sexy%20Soulmate%20Sought%20For%20Wax%20Figure%20Of%20Burt%20Reynolds%20-%2038%20(potrero%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-12-17, 3:36PM PST
You know him from "The Longest Yard", "Smokey And The Bandit", "Boogie Nights" and "Cop and a Half"...yes ladies it's none other than sexy Burt Reynolds, rendered perfectly in wax and dressed in his authentic costume from "The Cannonball Run II". Burt is seeking a live woman to mate with so that he might spawn a race of half-wax children who will arise to conquer mankind in a bloody battle for survival. Needless to say, Burt is anatomically correct, just for this purpose. Now's your chance to make it with and honest-to-goodness, movie superstar rendered in wax! Come and mate with Burt!
I Found A Box Of Used Sex Toys Outside! Let's Explore The Wild Side! - 35 (portola district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-962003698@craigslist.org?subject=I%20Found%20A%20Box%20Of%20Used%20Sex%20Toys%20Outside!%20Let [?]Date: 2008-12-17, 4:01PM PST
They're awfully sticky but that's nothing a little pine sol and steel wool won't fix! There's a vast assortment of strange and exciting items here and best of all they were FREE! You can't beat a nice sexual bargain! That's what I say! Now all I need is a sexy lady to try out my new toys on! We'll pretend I am a humble, German Toymaker with a bushy, gray moustache and lederhosen...and I will say things such as "Oh, Ya...Now icht timen zat we try zis new zex toy on zah dolly lady, yay!". We'll have an erotic and highly-creative experience with our new collection of sex toys that I found in a greasy box sitting on the street outside my house!
Wealthy,Sugar Daddy Eaten By Scientist With Head Of House Fly - 38 (castro / upper market)
Reply to: mailto:pers-961810052@craigslist.org?subject=Wealthy,Sugar%20Daddy%20Eaten%20By%20Scientist%20With%20Head%20Of%20House%20Fly%20-%2038%20(castro%20/%20upper%20market) [?]Date: 2008-12-17, 1:26PM PST
Jerry Jiggles liked his ladies loose...like rubber...floppy and squishy. He liked to fondle them, his hands dripping with salad dressing, his underwear full of Vaseline and gummi bears. Sometimes he would wear his hat made of dead fish and cry out "WIIIIIINKKKKIIEEEEE WWOOOOOOOOO WWOOOOOOOOO!". Then he would pretend to plant a magical pickle tree that granted wishes. Every night was a sex-drenched party at Jerry Jiggles place. There was free chili and lots of Ernest and Julio Gallo Chablis to drink. Everyone was happy and sexually satisfied. Sometimes they would all go out for delicious fried chicken
Alone Tonight? Bored? Let's Try Out My New Sex Coffin! - 36 (richmond / seacliff)
Reply to: mailto:pers-961850305@craigslist.org?subject=Alone%20Tonight%3f%20Bored%3f%20Let [?]Date: 2008-12-17, 1:56PM PST
Holy crap! Uncle Happy's eaten all the candy we were saving to lure the children into the maze of horrors! That crazy old bastard and his damn sweet tooth! It isn't enough that he got feces all over the walls of the make-shift operating room during the amateur autopsy competition, he has to go and eat up all the sweet and delicious, tempting candy! It took me two days to restore the lemon-fresh scent to the make-shift operating room after his fecal-themed antics and I don't want him let out of the attic again unless that nosy social worker comes sniffing around. He gets into too much mischief. Put him back in his harness and make sure the mouth piece on the head restraint is zipped shut
Enraged Man-Child Rubs Chewing Gum In Elderly Woman's Hair - 36 (SOMA / south beach)
Reply to: mailto:pers-961911888@craigslist.org?subject=Enraged%20Man-Child%20Rubs%20Chewing%20Gum%20In%20Elderly%20Woman [?]Date: 2008-12-17, 2:44PM PST
Bobby does tend to get bent out of shape when he doesn't get his way. Why only today he was posting ads on craigs list about wanting to gently nurse women's breasts when his request for "More Ovaltine please" was denied by the grand dragon master of the black council of Yargon. Fueled by an infantile sense of entitlement he flew into a rage, attacking his elderly caregiver with a fist full of soggy, sticky Bubble Yum brand bubble gum. His geriatric nursemaid was able to free herself from her furious charge by stabbing him in the gut with a fingernail file, sending him to the ground screaming like an overgrown infant. It was an ugly scene and we're all delighted that we happened to be video taping the altercation to post on You Tube.
Clairvoyant Poultry Farmer In Sexy ,Tight, Silk Shorts, LTR - 35 (downtown / civic / van ness)
Reply to: mailto:pers-961947590@craigslist.org?subject=Clairvoyant%20Poultry%20Farmer%20In%20Sexy%20,Tight,%20Silk%20%20Shorts,%20LTR%20-%2035%20(downtown%20/%20civic%20/%20van%20ness) [?]Date: 2008-12-17, 3:13PM PST
Duncan Johnson wanted to be thought of by all the sexy foxes as "Mr. Firehose Wiener Man Of Sexual Intrigue and Erotic Adventure"....he even had this self-appointed nickname tattooed across his wide, sweaty, pimple-covered buttocks. He also made himself a large, cardboard top hat which boasted a sign on the front announcing his nickname spelled out in gold glitter like some kind of hat billboard. He would frequent the funky disco, boogieing down to the crazy disco beat....his gold, silky shorts rubbing coyly against random women who would back away in terror and disgust. Duncan loved him some ladies at the funky disco! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Sticky Underwear Man Goin' Boob Jugglin' On The Flipside?
Well, my craigs list personal ads for this week might get me a brand new straight jacket! I posted so many I tapped out both email accounts and couldn't post anymore of these delightful entries. I couldn't even post the last entry here, but I include it to salvage the gag and will post it later when the craigs list posting police aren't hot on my trail. These are a bit weird even for me.
Rat Bag Jackson's Goin' Shrimpin' With His Love Shack Baby Momma! - 35 (noe valley)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955290415@craigslist.org?subject=Rat%20Bag%20Jackson [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 10:17AM PST
When I think of you I like to wear my "special" underpants...the electric ones..that came with a miner's helmet and gas mask. Baby your'e the tops and I'm not just saying that because your boobs float. I'm saying that because, per your request, I have changed my name to Klingon Fudgepacker Jackson and the Magic Donkey Licker...and that's quite a mouthful...especially when taken literally.
Gentle Jay Leno Impersonator Wants To Give Oven Mitt Breast Massage - 36 (lower nob hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-952442136@craigslist.org?subject=Gentle%20Jay%20Leno%20Impersonator%20Wants%20To%20Give%20Oven%20Mit%20Breast%20Massage%20-%2036%20(lower%20nob%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-12-10, 8:00AM PST
Hold on to your hats, all you foxy chicks! Cause Barney Duncan is in da house! Yo yo yo! Who wants a buttermilk enema? With friends like me who needs enemas? (Rim shot) Watch in horror as I drink and entire industrial size can of British gravy! Who left all these finger puppets all over the bathroom floor? Clickity click go my wooden shoes! Here, let me rub up against you. Nice lady!
Slappy Booby's Goin' All Sticky On the Chicken Sex Love Junkie Mummy! - 42 (downtown / civic / van ness)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955309973@craigslist.org?subject=Slappy%20Booby [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 10:30AM PST
Moo Moo cows dance in the evening starlight as Willie takes his human hair pants to the dry cleaner and buys Lonnie a tin a of sex wax. Ah how the chickens have grown...almost ready to leave the farm wearing human clothes, pretending they can speak english...Grandma would like more choclate chip cookies and Rolo needs a diaper changin'...just make sure to wear the oven mitts and saftey headgear...he'll fight you and you better be prepared to take a few punches to the head. Don't forget to walk the dogs, and make sure they do it upright this time, not on all fours the like the commoners...we are blue bloods after all, Rothchild, not crafted of the normal clay of the earth but of Play Dough, our limbs sewn on with thick red yard.
Kickass Juicy Tailor-Made Love God Is Finger-Lickin' Sexy With Mayo! - 37 (bernal heights)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955336963@craigslist.org?subject=Kickass%20Juicy%20Tailor-Made%20Love%20God%20Is%20Finger-Lickin [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 10:48AM PST
Woooooooooooooo! Since I came along everythang just got a little sexier! Even common dirt be lookin' sexay with Jackson in the mix, baby! Yo yo yo! Wazzzzappp?? Ya'll be lookin' fine, girl...like a sexy thang gone all sexy like and shit! WOOOOOOOO! Ya'll be jugglin' some serious breast midgets in the moonlight with a magic potato in the pants. Sinbad the Sailor gonna spank that bouncy ass! Let's get jiggy in da popeye, midwarp chocolate love mobile! I'll call you Larry McBride III and you just call me , Mr. Sexy Thang Goin all sexual in the love judgemnent trial of the century! After makin' some sweet love we'll go grave-robbing and get some ice cream.
Sticky Underwear Man Goin' Boob Juggling On The Flipside! Woop! Woop! - 36 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955368452@craigslist.org?subject=Sticky%20Underwear%20Man%20Goin [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 11:07AM PST
Sammy liked radishes....he made them into little people...tiny radish-headed friends with barbie doll bodies that he could trust to keep his foul and dark secrets safe. Sometimes he would make them do the fancy pants dance...this involved classical music and evening clothes. When the voices came Sammy would scream in terror...warding the sex demons off with a crucifix and photograph of celebrity impersonator Rich Little. He knew the voices came from Chicky, the waitress at the Cup O' Coffee diner...she looked like a melted circus clown and was a chain smoker...she smelled of slow death and chewing gum.
Wally's New Magical Toilet Brush Wand Makes Sex Sexy Again! - 36 (SOMA / south beach)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955464489@craigslist.org?subject=Wally [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 12:09PM PST
Shazam! Bibbity Boppity Boo! Hocus Pocus! Dem some good Cajun Shrimp, boy, you gonna say IIIIIEEEEEHHHHHH! See the funny robot do his funny robot dance! Press his buttons, he poops ice cream. At least I hope it's ice cream...the kids have been eating tons of it. Slap Happy Pappy's a goin' down to the general store to buy the children their pipe tobacco. They shouldn't be eating so much of it but they are spoiled...literally...the smell is god-awful.
Shiny Penny Man Gives Reward To Foxy Ladies Of Sex! Act Now! - 36 (west portal / forest hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955493396@craigslist.org?subject=Shiny%20Penny%20Man%20Gives%20Reward%20To%20Foxy%20Ladies%20Of%20Sex!%20Act%20Now!%20-%2036%20(west%20portal%20/%20forest%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 12:28PM PST
Wendel liked to pretend he was a Swedish....we would speak in a funny accent and wear his funny Swedish outfit...paging through his large volumes of erotica. He would say "Hello Dere, I am Svedish, ya?" "I like-a da nice-a pizza-pie-a" Then the children would dance and sing and rub salad oil into Uncle Frank's leg wound. It made the flesh taste better. Sometimes Arnie was jealous of Wendel's ability to become another nationality, he would hide in his bedroom and do strange things to Wendel's socks. Wendel often wondered why they were so sticky
Doodles Johnson Offers Sensual Salad Oil Massage With Benefits! - 35 (haight ashbury)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955572007@craigslist.org?subject=Doodles%20Johnson%20Offers%20Sensual%20Salad%20Oil%20Massage%20With%20Benefits!%20-%2035%20(haight%20ashbury) [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 1:23PM PST
Twinkle twinkle little star, I like to carry moonbeams in a jar...also human fingers and noses. I collect them...for my secret body part museum/lime pit. Do you like my red wig? I got it at an after Halloween sale for 1/2 price. It makes me look like Annie. The sun'll come ouuuuut TOMORROW! Bet your bottom dollar that Tomorrow they'll be...something....I also got some vampire fangs for biting buttocks! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Let's make sweet love...or pancakes...either is fine. Do you like apple sauce? This cat looks alive but it's really full of sawdust...it's a fake cat I made out of a real one.
This Bady Doll Punching Bag Is Certain To Get Johhny A New Female Mate - 37 (portola district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955597739@craigslist.org?subject=This%20Bady%20Doll%20Punching%20Bag%20Is%20Certain%20To%20Get%20Johhny%20A%20New%20Female%20Mate%20-%2037%20(portola%20district) [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 1:41PM PST
There are certain truths in life that one must face :
1.) Homosexuals are not made of cottage cheese
2.) These brownies taste funny and make me keep going to the bathroom
3.) This new pimp hat is stone cold fresh!
4.) If you eat rubber latex it's easy to create novety store doggie poo
5.) This astronaut costume is out of this world!
6.) painting your house with chocolate syrup is a really bad idea
7.) This bicycle pump is keeping Grandma alive
8.) It's nice to be wanted, unless it's by the law
9.) Wooden shoes are better than wooden pants if you have to make a choice
10.) Tootsie rolls make a nice cigarette holder
We Can Make Sex In My Closet Wearing Powdered Wigs and Fake Beards! - 36 (financial district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955632704@craigslist.org?subject=We%20Can%20Make%20Sex%20In%20My%20Closet%20Wearing%20Powdered%20Wigs%20and%20Fake%20Beards!%20-%2036%20(financial%20district) [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 2:06PM PST
Honey is sweet, sugar is sweeter, hand me Grandma's cane so I can go beat her. Rose are red, violets are blue, you're stuck to that chair, 'cause it's covered in glue! Clowns are for clowning and cowboys ride horses, how do we fend off these magical forces? My name is ugly and your name is stupid, both hit in the ass by an arrow from Cupid. These underpants are all covered in shit, you did that on purpose while throwing your fit. We'll have to wash them to get out the stains, but until that time comes I will keep you in chains. This is my werewolf, his name is Barry, when the full moon rises he gets really scary
Man With Slimy Green Skin Wants To Lick Your Face - 37 (lower nob hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955704188@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20With%20Slimy%20Green%20Skin%20Wants%20To%20Lick%20Your%20Face%20-%2037%20(lower%20nob%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 3:00PM PST
Then, as the sun set on the piles of dead children, Jackie licked his wounds clean and covered them in Flintstones band aids. The Kindergarten uprising had been thwarted, and Jackie was triumphant once more. To think of the horrors of a town run by children....not even really smart alien children with glowing eyes...just regular old bed-wetting, nose-picking brats. It made Jackie shiver. They had come at him with small left-handed scissors and rocks, but he had beaten them...with his pitch fork and bull whip. Good thing he had dressed as Elvis Presley this morning...any witnesses would report the King had done the dirty work. Now Jackie would seek to satisfy his sweet tooth with a delicious Mr. Pibb.
Wine, Good Food, Conversation, Killing Chickens, Mustard (nob hill)
Reply to: your anonymous craigslist address will appear here [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 3:29PM PST
Let's have an obscene pumpkin carving contest. Whoever wins gets to punch the loser really hard in the face! Then we'll perform a panty raid at the assisted living center! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Who likes to party? Kooky is the word for our behavior! Just plain kooky! Quick give me that whip cream! Underwear just doesn't taste that good without plenty of whip cream! Do you like my Captain Crunch uniform? We'll pretend my waterbed is my ship...and I'll command you to perform unspeakable sex acts with an inflatable punching bag and a box of raisins! Ahoy matey!
Rat Bag Jackson's Goin' Shrimpin' With His Love Shack Baby Momma! - 35 (noe valley)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955290415@craigslist.org?subject=Rat%20Bag%20Jackson [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 10:17AM PST
When I think of you I like to wear my "special" underpants...the electric ones..that came with a miner's helmet and gas mask. Baby your'e the tops and I'm not just saying that because your boobs float. I'm saying that because, per your request, I have changed my name to Klingon Fudgepacker Jackson and the Magic Donkey Licker...and that's quite a mouthful...especially when taken literally.
Gentle Jay Leno Impersonator Wants To Give Oven Mitt Breast Massage - 36 (lower nob hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-952442136@craigslist.org?subject=Gentle%20Jay%20Leno%20Impersonator%20Wants%20To%20Give%20Oven%20Mit%20Breast%20Massage%20-%2036%20(lower%20nob%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-12-10, 8:00AM PST
Hold on to your hats, all you foxy chicks! Cause Barney Duncan is in da house! Yo yo yo! Who wants a buttermilk enema? With friends like me who needs enemas? (Rim shot) Watch in horror as I drink and entire industrial size can of British gravy! Who left all these finger puppets all over the bathroom floor? Clickity click go my wooden shoes! Here, let me rub up against you. Nice lady!
Slappy Booby's Goin' All Sticky On the Chicken Sex Love Junkie Mummy! - 42 (downtown / civic / van ness)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955309973@craigslist.org?subject=Slappy%20Booby [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 10:30AM PST
Moo Moo cows dance in the evening starlight as Willie takes his human hair pants to the dry cleaner and buys Lonnie a tin a of sex wax. Ah how the chickens have grown...almost ready to leave the farm wearing human clothes, pretending they can speak english...Grandma would like more choclate chip cookies and Rolo needs a diaper changin'...just make sure to wear the oven mitts and saftey headgear...he'll fight you and you better be prepared to take a few punches to the head. Don't forget to walk the dogs, and make sure they do it upright this time, not on all fours the like the commoners...we are blue bloods after all, Rothchild, not crafted of the normal clay of the earth but of Play Dough, our limbs sewn on with thick red yard.
Kickass Juicy Tailor-Made Love God Is Finger-Lickin' Sexy With Mayo! - 37 (bernal heights)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955336963@craigslist.org?subject=Kickass%20Juicy%20Tailor-Made%20Love%20God%20Is%20Finger-Lickin [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 10:48AM PST
Woooooooooooooo! Since I came along everythang just got a little sexier! Even common dirt be lookin' sexay with Jackson in the mix, baby! Yo yo yo! Wazzzzappp?? Ya'll be lookin' fine, girl...like a sexy thang gone all sexy like and shit! WOOOOOOOO! Ya'll be jugglin' some serious breast midgets in the moonlight with a magic potato in the pants. Sinbad the Sailor gonna spank that bouncy ass! Let's get jiggy in da popeye, midwarp chocolate love mobile! I'll call you Larry McBride III and you just call me , Mr. Sexy Thang Goin all sexual in the love judgemnent trial of the century! After makin' some sweet love we'll go grave-robbing and get some ice cream.
Sticky Underwear Man Goin' Boob Juggling On The Flipside! Woop! Woop! - 36 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955368452@craigslist.org?subject=Sticky%20Underwear%20Man%20Goin [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 11:07AM PST
Sammy liked radishes....he made them into little people...tiny radish-headed friends with barbie doll bodies that he could trust to keep his foul and dark secrets safe. Sometimes he would make them do the fancy pants dance...this involved classical music and evening clothes. When the voices came Sammy would scream in terror...warding the sex demons off with a crucifix and photograph of celebrity impersonator Rich Little. He knew the voices came from Chicky, the waitress at the Cup O' Coffee diner...she looked like a melted circus clown and was a chain smoker...she smelled of slow death and chewing gum.
Wally's New Magical Toilet Brush Wand Makes Sex Sexy Again! - 36 (SOMA / south beach)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955464489@craigslist.org?subject=Wally [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 12:09PM PST
Shazam! Bibbity Boppity Boo! Hocus Pocus! Dem some good Cajun Shrimp, boy, you gonna say IIIIIEEEEEHHHHHH! See the funny robot do his funny robot dance! Press his buttons, he poops ice cream. At least I hope it's ice cream...the kids have been eating tons of it. Slap Happy Pappy's a goin' down to the general store to buy the children their pipe tobacco. They shouldn't be eating so much of it but they are spoiled...literally...the smell is god-awful.
Shiny Penny Man Gives Reward To Foxy Ladies Of Sex! Act Now! - 36 (west portal / forest hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955493396@craigslist.org?subject=Shiny%20Penny%20Man%20Gives%20Reward%20To%20Foxy%20Ladies%20Of%20Sex!%20Act%20Now!%20-%2036%20(west%20portal%20/%20forest%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 12:28PM PST
Wendel liked to pretend he was a Swedish....we would speak in a funny accent and wear his funny Swedish outfit...paging through his large volumes of erotica. He would say "Hello Dere, I am Svedish, ya?" "I like-a da nice-a pizza-pie-a" Then the children would dance and sing and rub salad oil into Uncle Frank's leg wound. It made the flesh taste better. Sometimes Arnie was jealous of Wendel's ability to become another nationality, he would hide in his bedroom and do strange things to Wendel's socks. Wendel often wondered why they were so sticky
Doodles Johnson Offers Sensual Salad Oil Massage With Benefits! - 35 (haight ashbury)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955572007@craigslist.org?subject=Doodles%20Johnson%20Offers%20Sensual%20Salad%20Oil%20Massage%20With%20Benefits!%20-%2035%20(haight%20ashbury) [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 1:23PM PST
Twinkle twinkle little star, I like to carry moonbeams in a jar...also human fingers and noses. I collect them...for my secret body part museum/lime pit. Do you like my red wig? I got it at an after Halloween sale for 1/2 price. It makes me look like Annie. The sun'll come ouuuuut TOMORROW! Bet your bottom dollar that Tomorrow they'll be...something....I also got some vampire fangs for biting buttocks! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Let's make sweet love...or pancakes...either is fine. Do you like apple sauce? This cat looks alive but it's really full of sawdust...it's a fake cat I made out of a real one.
This Bady Doll Punching Bag Is Certain To Get Johhny A New Female Mate - 37 (portola district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955597739@craigslist.org?subject=This%20Bady%20Doll%20Punching%20Bag%20Is%20Certain%20To%20Get%20Johhny%20A%20New%20Female%20Mate%20-%2037%20(portola%20district) [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 1:41PM PST
There are certain truths in life that one must face :
1.) Homosexuals are not made of cottage cheese
2.) These brownies taste funny and make me keep going to the bathroom
3.) This new pimp hat is stone cold fresh!
4.) If you eat rubber latex it's easy to create novety store doggie poo
5.) This astronaut costume is out of this world!
6.) painting your house with chocolate syrup is a really bad idea
7.) This bicycle pump is keeping Grandma alive
8.) It's nice to be wanted, unless it's by the law
9.) Wooden shoes are better than wooden pants if you have to make a choice
10.) Tootsie rolls make a nice cigarette holder
We Can Make Sex In My Closet Wearing Powdered Wigs and Fake Beards! - 36 (financial district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955632704@craigslist.org?subject=We%20Can%20Make%20Sex%20In%20My%20Closet%20Wearing%20Powdered%20Wigs%20and%20Fake%20Beards!%20-%2036%20(financial%20district) [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 2:06PM PST
Honey is sweet, sugar is sweeter, hand me Grandma's cane so I can go beat her. Rose are red, violets are blue, you're stuck to that chair, 'cause it's covered in glue! Clowns are for clowning and cowboys ride horses, how do we fend off these magical forces? My name is ugly and your name is stupid, both hit in the ass by an arrow from Cupid. These underpants are all covered in shit, you did that on purpose while throwing your fit. We'll have to wash them to get out the stains, but until that time comes I will keep you in chains. This is my werewolf, his name is Barry, when the full moon rises he gets really scary
Man With Slimy Green Skin Wants To Lick Your Face - 37 (lower nob hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955704188@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20With%20Slimy%20Green%20Skin%20Wants%20To%20Lick%20Your%20Face%20-%2037%20(lower%20nob%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 3:00PM PST
Then, as the sun set on the piles of dead children, Jackie licked his wounds clean and covered them in Flintstones band aids. The Kindergarten uprising had been thwarted, and Jackie was triumphant once more. To think of the horrors of a town run by children....not even really smart alien children with glowing eyes...just regular old bed-wetting, nose-picking brats. It made Jackie shiver. They had come at him with small left-handed scissors and rocks, but he had beaten them...with his pitch fork and bull whip. Good thing he had dressed as Elvis Presley this morning...any witnesses would report the King had done the dirty work. Now Jackie would seek to satisfy his sweet tooth with a delicious Mr. Pibb.
Wine, Good Food, Conversation, Killing Chickens, Mustard (nob hill)
Reply to: your anonymous craigslist address will appear here [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 3:29PM PST
Let's have an obscene pumpkin carving contest. Whoever wins gets to punch the loser really hard in the face! Then we'll perform a panty raid at the assisted living center! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Who likes to party? Kooky is the word for our behavior! Just plain kooky! Quick give me that whip cream! Underwear just doesn't taste that good without plenty of whip cream! Do you like my Captain Crunch uniform? We'll pretend my waterbed is my ship...and I'll command you to perform unspeakable sex acts with an inflatable punching bag and a box of raisins! Ahoy matey!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Sex Booty Space Ship?
My craigs list personal ads for this week really suck...
Kickin' It Wiff Da Playa In Da Toilet Room Wiff Da Sex Booty Spaceship - 38 (castro / upper market)
Reply to: mailto:pers-951632548@craigslist.org?subject=Kickin [?]Date: 2008-12-09, 2:05PM PST
Hello all of you sexy "hoes"...permit me to introduce myself. I am Reginald Wilkinson-Attwater, a distinguished, successful gentleman who favors the finer things in life :
1.) A phat booty
2.) Red Man Chewing Tobacco
3.) Country Club malt liquor
4.) Rolaids
5.) Amodium A.D.
6.) Fruit roll ups
7.) The International Male catalog
8.) A Velvet Led Zeppelin poster
9.) Gasoline
10.) A green bowler hat that says "Happy Saint Paddy's Day!
11.) silky clown pants
12.) A funky beat you can get down and boogie to
13.) leather underwear
14.) A ceramic mule mounted by a small Hispanic man in a sombrero
15.) Honey Nut Cheerios
16.) Sexual Ecstasy
17.) Booty lotion
18.) A Lord Of The Rings DVD box set with 5 hours of extras
19.) Titties
20.) A Jason Vorhees tattoo on a woman's ass
21.) A nice neck brace
Crazy man dressed in plastic armor proclaims he's "Trojan Man". - 39 (haight ashbury)
Reply to: mailto:pers-951770108@craigslist.org?subject=Crazy%20man%20dressed%20in%20plastic%20armor%20proclaims%20he [?]Date: 2008-12-09, 3:45PM PST
Gimpy was saddened by the loss of Grandma "Dynamite" Jackson, keeper of the vile secrets of Fu Manchu and ghost writer of the Jerry Lewis biography: "Nice Lady! Hoivin and the Shoilgelmin Things". Gimpy wished to entice the sexy ladies to share his bed by attempting to convince them he was a Hugh Hefner-like millionaire publisher, showing them "photos" from his magazine publication "The Boobytown Time Follies"...which was really only a Hanna Montanna coloring book with breasts and vaginas crudely scribbled over the pictures in purple crayon. Then he would offer them a glass of grape juice, saying it was a fine Merlot. Then Gimpy would remove his underpants and perform what he had titled "The weenie waggin' dancey-doo"
Man in Ballerina Dress seeks Woman in Nutcracker Costume to Bite Nuts - 37 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-951820393@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20in%20Balleria%20Dress%20seeks%20Woman%20in%20Nutcracker%20Costume%20to%20Bite%20Nuts%20-%2037%20(potrero%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-12-09, 4:26PM PST
Oh lordy lordy! Sambooki's had another juggling mishap! That makes a total of twelve dead infants now! It's a tragedy of epic proportions...like the time we tried to turn that homeless guy into a werewolf by crazy gluing hair all over his body! Oh holy cow! What will Grampa think? We didn't even get him his magic top hat from the cellar...the one filled with colorful condoms and dirty playing cards...I just couldn't bare to try to get passed Grandma....ever since we've chained her down there she's be truly nasty...yesterday she tried to trick me by wearing a Charlie Chaplin costume...then she attacked...just when I was going to ask for her autograph! She beat me about the face and head with her bamboo cane and tried to force me to eat her false moustache
Attention Ladies! It's Captain Jiggles The Government Boob Inspector! - 37 (portola district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-951843599@craigslist.org?subject=Attention%20Ladies!%20It [?]Date: 2008-12-09, 4:45PM PST
Howdy Partner! Lets begin with my requirements for the evening shall we?
1.) A panty-droppin'good time!
2.) Boob jugglin'
3.) Butt kissin' and squeezin'
4.) A shreddin' guitar lick
5.) Humpin' N Bumpin'
6.) Ominous Pipe Organ Music
7.) A Bowl of tasty skittles
8.) A DVD of "The New Adventures of Pippy Longstockings"
9.) A Ron Howard mask
10.) Ice tongs
11.) A shitload of condoms
12.)A "Disco Duck" t-shirt
13.) Four changes of underwear
14.) Mint Jelly
15.) a first aid kit
Kickin' It Wiff Da Playa In Da Toilet Room Wiff Da Sex Booty Spaceship - 38 (castro / upper market)
Reply to: mailto:pers-951632548@craigslist.org?subject=Kickin [?]Date: 2008-12-09, 2:05PM PST
Hello all of you sexy "hoes"...permit me to introduce myself. I am Reginald Wilkinson-Attwater, a distinguished, successful gentleman who favors the finer things in life :
1.) A phat booty
2.) Red Man Chewing Tobacco
3.) Country Club malt liquor
4.) Rolaids
5.) Amodium A.D.
6.) Fruit roll ups
7.) The International Male catalog
8.) A Velvet Led Zeppelin poster
9.) Gasoline
10.) A green bowler hat that says "Happy Saint Paddy's Day!
11.) silky clown pants
12.) A funky beat you can get down and boogie to
13.) leather underwear
14.) A ceramic mule mounted by a small Hispanic man in a sombrero
15.) Honey Nut Cheerios
16.) Sexual Ecstasy
17.) Booty lotion
18.) A Lord Of The Rings DVD box set with 5 hours of extras
19.) Titties
20.) A Jason Vorhees tattoo on a woman's ass
21.) A nice neck brace
Crazy man dressed in plastic armor proclaims he's "Trojan Man". - 39 (haight ashbury)
Reply to: mailto:pers-951770108@craigslist.org?subject=Crazy%20man%20dressed%20in%20plastic%20armor%20proclaims%20he [?]Date: 2008-12-09, 3:45PM PST
Gimpy was saddened by the loss of Grandma "Dynamite" Jackson, keeper of the vile secrets of Fu Manchu and ghost writer of the Jerry Lewis biography: "Nice Lady! Hoivin and the Shoilgelmin Things". Gimpy wished to entice the sexy ladies to share his bed by attempting to convince them he was a Hugh Hefner-like millionaire publisher, showing them "photos" from his magazine publication "The Boobytown Time Follies"...which was really only a Hanna Montanna coloring book with breasts and vaginas crudely scribbled over the pictures in purple crayon. Then he would offer them a glass of grape juice, saying it was a fine Merlot. Then Gimpy would remove his underpants and perform what he had titled "The weenie waggin' dancey-doo"
Man in Ballerina Dress seeks Woman in Nutcracker Costume to Bite Nuts - 37 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-951820393@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20in%20Balleria%20Dress%20seeks%20Woman%20in%20Nutcracker%20Costume%20to%20Bite%20Nuts%20-%2037%20(potrero%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-12-09, 4:26PM PST
Oh lordy lordy! Sambooki's had another juggling mishap! That makes a total of twelve dead infants now! It's a tragedy of epic proportions...like the time we tried to turn that homeless guy into a werewolf by crazy gluing hair all over his body! Oh holy cow! What will Grampa think? We didn't even get him his magic top hat from the cellar...the one filled with colorful condoms and dirty playing cards...I just couldn't bare to try to get passed Grandma....ever since we've chained her down there she's be truly nasty...yesterday she tried to trick me by wearing a Charlie Chaplin costume...then she attacked...just when I was going to ask for her autograph! She beat me about the face and head with her bamboo cane and tried to force me to eat her false moustache
Attention Ladies! It's Captain Jiggles The Government Boob Inspector! - 37 (portola district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-951843599@craigslist.org?subject=Attention%20Ladies!%20It [?]Date: 2008-12-09, 4:45PM PST
Howdy Partner! Lets begin with my requirements for the evening shall we?
1.) A panty-droppin'good time!
2.) Boob jugglin'
3.) Butt kissin' and squeezin'
4.) A shreddin' guitar lick
5.) Humpin' N Bumpin'
6.) Ominous Pipe Organ Music
7.) A Bowl of tasty skittles
8.) A DVD of "The New Adventures of Pippy Longstockings"
9.) A Ron Howard mask
10.) Ice tongs
11.) A shitload of condoms
12.)A "Disco Duck" t-shirt
13.) Four changes of underwear
14.) Mint Jelly
15.) a first aid kit
Tears Of A Clown
I was walking to work yesterday after getting my morning coffee when I came upon what looked to be a stolen, rifled-through suit case which appeared to have belonged to a clown..at least that's what the three, scattered rainbow-colored wigs and colorful clothes would imply. What an odd thing to run across on a Monday morning. Imagine how stupid the thief must have felt. Poor Bobo...or whatever the fuck the unfortunate clown's name was. He probably lost his grease paint and red nose in the theft...as I didn't see them in the pile...maybe I'll see some homeless guy wearing a little, red, bowler hat and polka dot bow tie sometime soon. I can stop and point my finger at him and hiss like in "Invasion Of The Body Snatchers"...then I'll give the dire warning "Bobo knows what you did! Bobo will show no mercy when he haunts your liquor-soaked night terrors! Beware...beware". Or maybe some crack head just found the wigs in a garbage can after Halloween...but I like my version better..my Criterion Collection Bobo The Clown version
Monday, December 1, 2008
Ho Ho Holy Shit! Santa has a fucking axe!
Well it's that time of year again! Time to clean the blood stains off of your Santa Claus costume and sharpen up the axe! You can choose from a vast assortment of yule tide bloodbaths this season to fill you with holiday cheer, but it goes without saying that "Silent Night Deadly Night" is usually on the tippy top of my list for December viewing, if only because outraged parents got their panties in such a bunch upon its initial theatrical release. This movie really pissed a lot of people off. As an exercise in poor taste it remains priceless. You had to be a real asshole to make something like this...in fact I wish I had made this movie! It's that good(mean-spirited)!
May I also suggest the completely wacko, "Silent Night Deadly Night Part 5 : The Toy Maker", starring Mickey Rooney (!???). I assure you it's a totally insane holiday shitfest that will bring forth much ho ho ho-larity. Featuring an adult actor playing some kind of perverted, homicidal take off on Pinocchio...named "Pino"...with his "father" (Rooney) being aptly named "Joe Petto" . Get it? Man that stings!
If you'd actually like to have the crap scared out of you this holiday season, try Bob Clark's original "Black Christmas" or "Child's Play". There is really no shortage of ways to offend the Christmas enthusiast within. You might start with John Water's "Female Trouble" and then follow that with a chaser of "Tales From The Crypt" (1972) and "Christmas Evil". The world's your oyster on this one folks! Slay bells ring! are ya listenin'?
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