Well, my craigs list personal ads for this week might get me a brand new straight jacket! I posted so many I tapped out both email accounts and couldn't post anymore of these delightful entries. I couldn't even post the last entry here, but I include it to salvage the gag and will post it later when the craigs list posting police aren't hot on my trail. These are a bit weird even for me.
Rat Bag Jackson's Goin' Shrimpin' With His Love Shack Baby Momma! - 35 (noe valley)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955290415@craigslist.org?subject=Rat%20Bag%20Jackson [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 10:17AM PST
When I think of you I like to wear my "special" underpants...the electric ones..that came with a miner's helmet and gas mask. Baby your'e the tops and I'm not just saying that because your boobs float. I'm saying that because, per your request, I have changed my name to Klingon Fudgepacker Jackson and the Magic Donkey Licker...and that's quite a mouthful...especially when taken literally.
Gentle Jay Leno Impersonator Wants To Give Oven Mitt Breast Massage - 36 (lower nob hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-952442136@craigslist.org?subject=Gentle%20Jay%20Leno%20Impersonator%20Wants%20To%20Give%20Oven%20Mit%20Breast%20Massage%20-%2036%20(lower%20nob%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-12-10, 8:00AM PST
Hold on to your hats, all you foxy chicks! Cause Barney Duncan is in da house! Yo yo yo! Who wants a buttermilk enema? With friends like me who needs enemas? (Rim shot) Watch in horror as I drink and entire industrial size can of British gravy! Who left all these finger puppets all over the bathroom floor? Clickity click go my wooden shoes! Here, let me rub up against you. Nice lady!
Slappy Booby's Goin' All Sticky On the Chicken Sex Love Junkie Mummy! - 42 (downtown / civic / van ness)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955309973@craigslist.org?subject=Slappy%20Booby [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 10:30AM PST
Moo Moo cows dance in the evening starlight as Willie takes his human hair pants to the dry cleaner and buys Lonnie a tin a of sex wax. Ah how the chickens have grown...almost ready to leave the farm wearing human clothes, pretending they can speak english...Grandma would like more choclate chip cookies and Rolo needs a diaper changin'...just make sure to wear the oven mitts and saftey headgear...he'll fight you and you better be prepared to take a few punches to the head. Don't forget to walk the dogs, and make sure they do it upright this time, not on all fours the like the commoners...we are blue bloods after all, Rothchild, not crafted of the normal clay of the earth but of Play Dough, our limbs sewn on with thick red yard.
Kickass Juicy Tailor-Made Love God Is Finger-Lickin' Sexy With Mayo! - 37 (bernal heights)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955336963@craigslist.org?subject=Kickass%20Juicy%20Tailor-Made%20Love%20God%20Is%20Finger-Lickin [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 10:48AM PST
Woooooooooooooo! Since I came along everythang just got a little sexier! Even common dirt be lookin' sexay with Jackson in the mix, baby! Yo yo yo! Wazzzzappp?? Ya'll be lookin' fine, girl...like a sexy thang gone all sexy like and shit! WOOOOOOOO! Ya'll be jugglin' some serious breast midgets in the moonlight with a magic potato in the pants. Sinbad the Sailor gonna spank that bouncy ass! Let's get jiggy in da popeye, midwarp chocolate love mobile! I'll call you Larry McBride III and you just call me , Mr. Sexy Thang Goin all sexual in the love judgemnent trial of the century! After makin' some sweet love we'll go grave-robbing and get some ice cream.
Sticky Underwear Man Goin' Boob Juggling On The Flipside! Woop! Woop! - 36 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955368452@craigslist.org?subject=Sticky%20Underwear%20Man%20Goin [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 11:07AM PST
Sammy liked radishes....he made them into little people...tiny radish-headed friends with barbie doll bodies that he could trust to keep his foul and dark secrets safe. Sometimes he would make them do the fancy pants dance...this involved classical music and evening clothes. When the voices came Sammy would scream in terror...warding the sex demons off with a crucifix and photograph of celebrity impersonator Rich Little. He knew the voices came from Chicky, the waitress at the Cup O' Coffee diner...she looked like a melted circus clown and was a chain smoker...she smelled of slow death and chewing gum.
Wally's New Magical Toilet Brush Wand Makes Sex Sexy Again! - 36 (SOMA / south beach)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955464489@craigslist.org?subject=Wally [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 12:09PM PST
Shazam! Bibbity Boppity Boo! Hocus Pocus! Dem some good Cajun Shrimp, boy, you gonna say IIIIIEEEEEHHHHHH! See the funny robot do his funny robot dance! Press his buttons, he poops ice cream. At least I hope it's ice cream...the kids have been eating tons of it. Slap Happy Pappy's a goin' down to the general store to buy the children their pipe tobacco. They shouldn't be eating so much of it but they are spoiled...literally...the smell is god-awful.
Shiny Penny Man Gives Reward To Foxy Ladies Of Sex! Act Now! - 36 (west portal / forest hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955493396@craigslist.org?subject=Shiny%20Penny%20Man%20Gives%20Reward%20To%20Foxy%20Ladies%20Of%20Sex!%20Act%20Now!%20-%2036%20(west%20portal%20/%20forest%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 12:28PM PST
Wendel liked to pretend he was a Swedish....we would speak in a funny accent and wear his funny Swedish outfit...paging through his large volumes of erotica. He would say "Hello Dere, I am Svedish, ya?" "I like-a da nice-a pizza-pie-a" Then the children would dance and sing and rub salad oil into Uncle Frank's leg wound. It made the flesh taste better. Sometimes Arnie was jealous of Wendel's ability to become another nationality, he would hide in his bedroom and do strange things to Wendel's socks. Wendel often wondered why they were so sticky
Doodles Johnson Offers Sensual Salad Oil Massage With Benefits! - 35 (haight ashbury)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955572007@craigslist.org?subject=Doodles%20Johnson%20Offers%20Sensual%20Salad%20Oil%20Massage%20With%20Benefits!%20-%2035%20(haight%20ashbury) [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 1:23PM PST
Twinkle twinkle little star, I like to carry moonbeams in a jar...also human fingers and noses. I collect them...for my secret body part museum/lime pit. Do you like my red wig? I got it at an after Halloween sale for 1/2 price. It makes me look like Annie. The sun'll come ouuuuut TOMORROW! Bet your bottom dollar that Tomorrow they'll be...something....I also got some vampire fangs for biting buttocks! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Let's make sweet love...or pancakes...either is fine. Do you like apple sauce? This cat looks alive but it's really full of sawdust...it's a fake cat I made out of a real one.
This Bady Doll Punching Bag Is Certain To Get Johhny A New Female Mate - 37 (portola district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955597739@craigslist.org?subject=This%20Bady%20Doll%20Punching%20Bag%20Is%20Certain%20To%20Get%20Johhny%20A%20New%20Female%20Mate%20-%2037%20(portola%20district) [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 1:41PM PST
There are certain truths in life that one must face :
1.) Homosexuals are not made of cottage cheese
2.) These brownies taste funny and make me keep going to the bathroom
3.) This new pimp hat is stone cold fresh!
4.) If you eat rubber latex it's easy to create novety store doggie poo
5.) This astronaut costume is out of this world!
6.) painting your house with chocolate syrup is a really bad idea
7.) This bicycle pump is keeping Grandma alive
8.) It's nice to be wanted, unless it's by the law
9.) Wooden shoes are better than wooden pants if you have to make a choice
10.) Tootsie rolls make a nice cigarette holder
We Can Make Sex In My Closet Wearing Powdered Wigs and Fake Beards! - 36 (financial district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955632704@craigslist.org?subject=We%20Can%20Make%20Sex%20In%20My%20Closet%20Wearing%20Powdered%20Wigs%20and%20Fake%20Beards!%20-%2036%20(financial%20district) [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 2:06PM PST
Honey is sweet, sugar is sweeter, hand me Grandma's cane so I can go beat her. Rose are red, violets are blue, you're stuck to that chair, 'cause it's covered in glue! Clowns are for clowning and cowboys ride horses, how do we fend off these magical forces? My name is ugly and your name is stupid, both hit in the ass by an arrow from Cupid. These underpants are all covered in shit, you did that on purpose while throwing your fit. We'll have to wash them to get out the stains, but until that time comes I will keep you in chains. This is my werewolf, his name is Barry, when the full moon rises he gets really scary
Man With Slimy Green Skin Wants To Lick Your Face - 37 (lower nob hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955704188@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20With%20Slimy%20Green%20Skin%20Wants%20To%20Lick%20Your%20Face%20-%2037%20(lower%20nob%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 3:00PM PST
Then, as the sun set on the piles of dead children, Jackie licked his wounds clean and covered them in Flintstones band aids. The Kindergarten uprising had been thwarted, and Jackie was triumphant once more. To think of the horrors of a town run by children....not even really smart alien children with glowing eyes...just regular old bed-wetting, nose-picking brats. It made Jackie shiver. They had come at him with small left-handed scissors and rocks, but he had beaten them...with his pitch fork and bull whip. Good thing he had dressed as Elvis Presley this morning...any witnesses would report the King had done the dirty work. Now Jackie would seek to satisfy his sweet tooth with a delicious Mr. Pibb.
Wine, Good Food, Conversation, Killing Chickens, Mustard (nob hill)
Reply to: your anonymous craigslist address will appear here [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 3:29PM PST
Let's have an obscene pumpkin carving contest. Whoever wins gets to punch the loser really hard in the face! Then we'll perform a panty raid at the assisted living center! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Who likes to party? Kooky is the word for our behavior! Just plain kooky! Quick give me that whip cream! Underwear just doesn't taste that good without plenty of whip cream! Do you like my Captain Crunch uniform? We'll pretend my waterbed is my ship...and I'll command you to perform unspeakable sex acts with an inflatable punching bag and a box of raisins! Ahoy matey!
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