Performance Art

Years ago, in ancient times, when I attended Holy Spirit Catholic School in Fairfield California, my friend J.B. and I were enlisted by our teacher...Sister whatever the Hell her name was, to create and perform a sketch before the entire school which would trumpet the excitement of that year's chocolate drive...a yearly fund raising event in which students were sent out among the public to peddle chocolate bars in the hope of winning fabulous prizes while raising money for the school. I cannot recall exactly why were were chosen...perhaps we freely offered our stunning theatrical talents in the hope of rallying the troupes. We were like Abbott and Costello pimping war bonds during World War II. We had approximately one evening to write this sketch with our chosen performers having about 30 minutes to memorize lines before we went before the school on the cafeteria stage.The afternoon before we were to write this masterpiece there was a quick brainstorming session in which two of our actresses decided they would, for no logical reason, dress as "punk rockers" who went door to door selling their delectable wares.

For some reason we decided to create a two-act play that involved a fortune teller, and an elderly couple who seemed to be mildly senile. The elderly female was written as nearly deaf for comic purposes. So we have two, female, punk rock chocolate sales persons, A senile couple, one of whom is deaf, and a fortune teller...it seemed to make sense at the time...I still have no idea why.

We quickly rehearsed and advised the student "stage hand" to close and open the curtain when given a certain cue between acts...apparently these instructions were a bit vague...or perhaps, as the fortune teller I had simply forgot the chosen phrase to cue the curtain...in fact I think I forgot everything I was supposed to say once the curtain opened and simply started ad-libbing strange lines to which the chocolate selling punk rockers had no idea how to respond...they asked me( the one in the turban) if I would like to buy some chocolate...to which I responded "No...I don't want any chocolate"...then there was a very long awkward silence during which the punk rockers simply stood there staring at me. Finally I blurted..."But I know someone who does!...they live at...."...here my voice trailed off...expecting the curtain to close...it didn't...we all simply stood frozen for a few seconds as the entire school audience watched in perplexed awe...suddenly I exclaimed "Go to 435 CLOSE THE CURTAIN LANE".....finally the stage hand caught on and closed the curtain. This did get a laugh..the single laugh we received. I should also mention, for no particular reason, that one of the punk rock girls was wearing a lampshade on her head. Perhaps that seemed really punk at the time.

When the curtain opened again the punk rockers were seen approaching a door...obviously the 435 Close The Curtain Lane address given to them by the weird, ad-libbing fortune teller...The door was answered by the aforementioned senile couple...J.B. giving an Oscar-worthy drag performance as the elderly deaf woman. This was really the only part that stuck to the script, which went :

Punk Rocker #1 : We're selling chocolate for the Holy Spirit Chocolate drive...would you like to buy some chocolate?

Deaf Old Woman : Nope don't smoke!

Punk Rocker#2 : No we're selling chocolate.

Deaf Old Woman : Nope, don't drink neither!

Old Man : Come, Mother

The End.

Now I only recall at that point an entire audience of students with their jaws agape...staring in dead, puzzled silence. It was one of the fucking funniest moments I can remember from my childhood...that "What in the fuck was that?" response. It was horrifying at the time...a goddamn disaster...but it sure as Hell makes me laugh now, Jackson! That was some weird ass shit...and our teacher was FURIOUS! She approached me after the performance, red-faced..all she could manage was "Ah, Danny! What the hell was that?!!!!!"

Such fond memories...especially given my dislike for my Catholic education...they can shove that straight up their asses, that play ruled!