The Horror......

I can only imagine the horror captured on vinyl here. This has to be more terrifying than the Disney record, "Chilling, Thrilling Sounds of The Haunted House". While I am the proud owner of the LP, "Jerry Lewis Just Sings", this baby...this ultimate monstrosity has me green with envy. You could actually torture someone with this. Can you imagine being strapped to a chair and forced to listen to this thing? Someday I'm going to acquire this album and on that glorious day I am going to dress up like Jerry Lewis and lip sync to this album, unsolicited, in a random 5th grade classroom. The teacher and her students will stare at me in fright, a student is sent to phone the police, but I will be too quick for them, slipping out of the window with my "Jerry Lewis Sings for Children" LP under my arm.

The police track me to a foggy swamp with teams of blood hounds. It is in this swamp where I meet Muzzledork, the old witch (of the swamp). She finds me eating her house...or at least attempting to until she informs me that it's not made out of candy and that it's really just an old shack. No wonder my teeth hurt. After being captured and imprisoned in a cage the witch offers me my freedom in exchange for sexual favors. I take the offer and engage in hot, elderly witch sex. After bringing her to orgasm 10 times in a row, Muzzledork creates a magic spell that gives me psychic powers and the ability to vaporize people with lasers which shoot out of my eyes. When granted my freedom I thank the old witch and inform her that her vagina tastes like bat gravy and toadstool mash. She promises to practice better feminine hygiene and we embrace. Then it's off to the tattoo parlor to have a tarantula with the head of Regis Philbin inked on my face. Later I drink a nice glass of cranberry juice and crawl into bed with my book about the Cleavland Torso Murderer. It's been a wacky day.

A True Story That Really Happened

Last night, as I was battling a vicious hoard of vampires, I couldn't help but think to myself how much better I would fare with Steven Seagal by my side, then, suddenly, literally out of the blue, my good friend Aladdin flew down from the sky on his magic carpet. He informed me that he had found a magic lamp with Robin Williams trapped inside of it. I commented that he'd better never let him out or he'll never shut up. Aladdin informed me that Robin Williams was able to grant wishes and now had blue skin and wore big, baggy pants. I pondered this information and thinking quickly, I used the samurai sword that I was fighting off the vampires with to decapitate Aladdin and steal his lamp with Robin Williams trapped inside. Once the lamp was in my possession I summoned Robin Williams from the land beyond beyond to do my bidding. "I wish Steven Seagal was at my side helping me fight all of these vampires!" I informed Robin, who was doing a wacky Groucho Marx Impression and then pretending he was a fly trapped in a spider's web and saying "Heeelllllllpppppp Meeeee" in a funny voice over and over and over. In between bouts of acting like a complete idiot, Robin summoned forth none other than Steven Seagal. Together we fought, slicing and dicing until nary a vampire was to be found in less than several bite-size pieces. This all actually happened more or less, except the parts about all of the weird shit that I said happened. The part I left out was when I went to the Amazon.com website and purchased a copy of "Against The Dark", because Netflix was taking to damn long to send me the DVD. The suspense was killing me and I simply had to see Steven Seagal fight vampires. So in essence I didn't really need Robin Williams and his baggy pants to fulfill my destiny.

Paragon's Paragon

My friend Ken and I were emailing each other back and forth yesterday discussing an ancient Star Trek fan film we read about years ago titled, "Paragon's Paragon". The Trekkie/nerd film maker had constructed elaborate sets and created his own costumes, etc. It was all very "super-dork powers activate!". Ken was kind enough to send this hideous image of what I would look like as one of the stars(starlets) of Paragon's Paragon after I suggested he remake the film and that I would play communications officer Shamalama...in drag. Drink it in, people! I am sexy in space!

Jerry Reed : The Future Of Comedy

Perhaps I am insane, but do you know who could become a Jerry Lewis impersonator? Lou Reed. Dress him in a tux and slap some Jerry glasses on him...brill cream that hair...and "poof" instant, younger Jerry. Seeing Jerry in his frail, geriatric years at the Oscars has made me concerned that one day I will face a world without Jerry Lewis...a world I simply cannot live in. A world without Jerry is a world without laughter and weird garbled wordplay. Jerry should be like James Bond...ongoing...everlasting. When Jerry Lewis The First decides it is time to hit the stage in that great "Jerry Lewis Comedy Review" in the sky, I'm going to instigate Project Happiness Ongoing Incorporating Virtual Idiotic Nutcase : or Project H.O.I.V.I.N, which will recruit Lou Reed as a secret operative with a "license to thrill". Gone will be he of the Velvet Underground and Transformer...hence we shall enter a new rein of the king of Comedy and Lou Reed will wear the crown.

Oscar Time For Jerry!

I sincerely (not really) hope that everyone caught that delightful tribute to Jerry Lewis during the

Academy Awards/self-congratulatory actor's jerk off session Sunday evening. Dear old Uncle Hoiven Shoigilmen, tottering out to get his honorary award...truly the only way in Hell that Jerry Lewis would ever be handed an Oscar (except in my magical land of imagination in which Jerry receives one everyday for every single category). Just soak that in...Jerry Lewis was handed an academy award. Even the ex had to leave a voicemail message to make sure I was watching the tribute...because everyone knows how much I love "The Jer". In my mind's eye I pretended Jerry was finally being recognized for his stellar work directing the previously mentioned monstrosity, "The Day The Clown Cried". He was a bit too elderly and frail and not as smarmy and weird as I had hoped...but ,my dear friends, The Jer ain't no spring chicken...although he probably played one in a movie at some point...in a zany chicken costume...speaking like a twelve year old and making up words in that beautiful language of his own creation. Jerry getting an Oscar, honorary or not proves that there is indeed justice in the universe..at least in the one I exist in.

Against The Clown That Cried In The Dark

Last night, as Morticia and I enjoyed dining out at a surprisingly delicious vegan restaurant (you know vegans...they're those things on Star Trek...or maybe they were from Lost In Space...anyway), the topic of discussion turned to the inevitable subject of "Against The Dark". The new Steven Seagal versus vampires movie that Netflix has been depriving me of despite its place at the top of my queue (due to the foreboding "very long wait" availability status). It was decided that since this is without a doubt the greatest film ever made that I should simply purchase the goddamn DVD from Amazon rather than denying myself the joys of a world in which Steven Seagal co-exists with vampires and beats the living shit out of them before killing them. No matter how much this movie is going to suck (no pun intended...vampires...sucking...well, maybe...yes..scratch that...pun intended) it is still going to FUCKING RULE THE ROOST OF SWEET BADASS SHIT! And for this reason, Mortician and I decided that The Seagal and his vampire foes should be immortalized in one of my hideous, fake, Mexican pulp novel cover art -style paintings. Soon I shall put brush to canvas, capturing all of the majesty that is Steven Seagal fighting a bunch of vampires. It will be my greatest work to date, and that's not saying much. It shall be framed in gold and put on display above a makeshift altar, upon which incense will burn at all hours. Never have I been so inspired as a painter...except when I did that portrait of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Family...and when I scribbled that childish doddle of my poster concept for "The Day The Clown Cried" starring Jerry Lewis as the hilarious (just an assumption) clown, Helmut Doork who is sent to a Nazi concentration camp and subsequently ends up leading children to the gas chamber...but of course...I haven't painted that one yet...it's now only a beautiful vision...Jerry Lewis...as a clown...in a Nazi concentration camp...leading children to the gas chamber....and I didn't even make that plot up so don't fucking blame me or think I'm being weird. (Check IMDB if you think I'm crazy. Talk about the holy grail of absolute cinematic shit. But if you want to ever see that one you'd better call Batman, James Bond or Indiana Jones, because that shitfest is never going to see the light of day)

If only they could locate the footage of the as-yet-never-to be-released Lewis film and simply edit it together with "Against The Dark"...then mankind would have the greatest of all motion pictures: "Against The Clown That Cried In The Dark" Starring Jerry Lewis and Steven Seagal. Dare to dream.

Can I Have My Autograph?

As far as poster art for my own movie, I've always felt that the very first original poster art designed by myself and my ex-wife was my favorite...I mean sure, it lacks a certain "panty" quality that the charming Polish poster has going for it...but I always felt this poster captured a sort of early 1980s feeling...it's a bit anachronistic and that's why I feel it works, it's a throwback of sorts. It sounds very odd in this day and age to say that this was actually the cover of the VHS box...you remember VHS, don't you? You would hand crank the machine to start it...this was back in the days of Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton...before the "talkies". Those were the days in which the "Home Nickelodeon" system was first introduced.

My movie-making partner Rick Popko never warmed up to this poster. This made me want to punch Rick in the face, but we can't all act on sheer impulse can we? He had some bee in his bonnet about not showing the monster and felt that giving away its appearance somehow tainted a potential viewer's expectations...which in my mind goes against every rule of exploitation film making. This isn't "The Haunting" for fuck sake...it's a goddamn SHIT MONSTER...what the Hell do you think it's going to look like? Look at the fucking poster for "Jaws" for Christ's sake! What do you see? Gee...it appears to be a gigantic great white shark rising from the ocean depths about to devour a nude, female swimmer. Gosh...now that I've seen the shark...that really ruins the film for me. Just look at every goddamn horror movie poster of the 1950's...they don't call it "Tarantula" for no reason. Seems to me Rick wants to take the highbrow approach for a lowbrow concept...either that or he simply doesn't like the poster...which again makes me want to punch him in the face. Actually I would never really want punch Rick over something like this...maybe "stab" is too strong a word...but "strangle" might sum up just how I feel about this. But it takes two to tango, so in this area we have your classic Mexican standoff which happens to involve two Caucasians. I would also like to point out that Rick is part Polish (Popko!!) which leads me to believe he may have hand a secret hand in designing that Polish panty-pimping monstrosity seen in the previous post...which reminds me of a funny joke...how many Pollocks does it take to design a shit monster movie poster? One...his name is Rick Popko. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I'm not trying to toot my own horn in a Harpo Marx-style fashion either. I simply like the aesthetics of this design. It was also a pain in the ass to create given that I am a complete dipshit when it comes to using photoshop and my ex-wife used to really hate trying to guide me through it...so I would have to bitch slap her (since I am a stone cold pimp) which would hurt my hand and make using photoshop even more difficult. Then the ex would get all uppity and shit and I would have to kick her ass out in the street so all my other hoes knew not to fuck with Sugar Bear. That's when Steven Seagal would come in and say "You like to hit girls, tough guy?" to which I would respond "Yo, fuck you, you punk ass bitch!" At that point I would charge at Steven Seagal wielding a switch blade. Steven Seagal would then dodge me by inches, grab me, lift me into the air and throw me through a car windshield. It was all very violent and bloody back then....and to think it all stemmed from me being inept at photoshop.

Gowniany Horror Anyone? No? Was it the panties?

Wow, this Polish DVD cover for Monsturd manages to do the impossible...making a completely tasteless movie look even more tasteless. It looks like some pornographic Mad Magazine cover. I never realized until I saw this what our original DVD cover boxes were missing...panties...why didn't we think of that? I find this cover rather jaw-dropping...and more than a little disturbing...in the most zany and madcap way possible of course...but Jesus H. Christ...who the fuck would actually rent that? It looks like "Porky's" with feces. At least now I can start referring to myself as "Dana Westa" the world's greatest, Polish comedy director.

Against The Dark : The Seagal Versus The Vampires

"Against The Dark"...this indeed promises to be one of the greatest films ever made by mankind. First of all it stars the greatest action hero of our ,or of any, generation, Steven Seagal...and second, IT HAS GODDAMN VAMPIRES IN IT!!!! Yes that's right 1.) Steven Seagal 2.) Mother Fucking Vampires!. Let's do the math : Steven Seagal + Vampires = Greatest movie ever made. I am anxiously awaiting this DVD from Netflix...release date : February 10th..."S vs V Day!"

Doesn't this just sound like a recipe for a beautiful disaster? It sure as Hell does to me, and I want to be right in the center of that bridge when it explodes and collapses in a fiery plunge into the depths of bad cinema...or as I like to call it : good cinema. I'm going down with that ship, Jackson! You can bet your ass on that! They could steal the tag line from Alien Vs. Predator for this one : "Whoever wins...WE lose"....except me of course...this situation is a "win, win" in my book. I already wish I had been in the director's chair for this one. Can you imagine? "Alright Steven, the vampire will charge at you...you shove the wooden stake into his chest until it your arm pokes out of his back, then pick him up and snap his spine in half over your knee, then you rip the top of his skull off and squash it with your foot and toss the remains down the mine shaft".

Man, I hope this flick is a bloodbath. This is truly the stuff of which dreams are made! Even better, it's old, puffy-faced Seagal versus Vampires...like the Seagal version of "Abbott and Costello Meet The Mummy". I truly hope this spawns and Abbott and Costello-like series pitting Seagal against any number of monsters. The Seagal versus The Werewolves...Seagal versus Chucky...Steven Seagal Meets Frankenstein...the possibilities are endless.

Flock of Seagals

Okay..so, much like the killer dolly, Chucky of the "Child's Play" and well... "Chucky" horror movie franchise, I love Steven Seagal. This may speak volumes about my personal movie taste, but someone should clone the man and freeze him in a cryogenic chamber so that future generations will never suffer the folly of a world deprived of new Steven Seagal films. "Out For Justice" is one of my favorite movies of all time...not because it is a great cinematic achievement, but because it is the exact opposite...a Three Stooges-like spoof of the Dirty Harry series as realized by "Godfather Of Gore" Herschell Gordon Lewis.

Steven Seagal brings me great joy for all of the wrong reasons. To quote a description I recently came upon in my Dictionary of Slang and Euphemism, the man "simultaneously repulses and fascinates" me. In the land of the two-eyed schlock fan (i.e. me), Seagal is king. Recently I have been dipping my toe into the most recent cesspool of Mr. Seagal's work...the action-packed adventures of the puffy-faced, bloated, bitter, older...and none-the-wiser master of splitting peoples' skulls open and impaling them on any sharp object available. Only last week my Morticia suggested I take a gander at "Belly Of The Beast"..a more recent Seagal monstrosity in which my personal hero flies through the air in slow motion for five minute intervals firing up to five million rounds of bullets at a time before hitting the ground, or in some cases landing on things such as a railroad handcart (which rolls for five more minutes in slow motion allowing the Seagal to unload two million more rounds of bullets into his oncoming enemies) like some over-the-hill cross breeding of Peter Pan and...well, Steven Seagal. In this magical adventure Mr. Seagal not only beats the living shit out of numerous Kung Fu experts half his age (who fly through the air on wires whenever he kicks them) but also hooks up with a twenty-something Thai (ex)prostitute...who...I guess..becomes his girlfriend(?!). It's all very hilarious and deeply disturbing and just plain wrong...which, of course, makes it just plain "right" in my book.

This baby runs neck and neck against another recent "Seagal"..(drum roll).."Urban Justice", in which the puffy-faced superman wages war on an urban neighborhood ravaged by drug-pedaling gang bangers twenty, if not thirty years his junior and beats the living fuck out of everyone in sight. Yes siree, the Paul Bunyan-like geriatric action hero gives no quarter in this epic as he spouts his lines in what could only be described as an impression of Dolemite meets Richard Pryor as performed by James Gandolfini. "Who kilt my son, mutha fuckah?" Who "kilt" him indeed! You go giganticus! Beat the living shit out of everyone on Earth, Seagal! I cannot get enough! The more violent and absurd the man gets, the more I love him. Seagal is my GOD! I only wish I could write a screenplay for Steven Seagal. You may think I am being sarcastic, but I can assure you that is not the case. In fact, I should be his on-call scenarist and script consultant...I would do him justice..."Urban"...or "Out For"...I would do the Seagal right. Call me what you will..but I am a Seagal junkie. Oddly enough a momentous achievement in my life would be writing a screenplay for a Steven Seagal movie...perhaps Morticia and I can collaborate on a storyline and pitch...she likes the Seagal for all the wrong reasons that I do...together we may craft the ultimate Steven Seagal masterpiece. Dare to dream....