Can I Have My Autograph?

As far as poster art for my own movie, I've always felt that the very first original poster art designed by myself and my ex-wife was my favorite...I mean sure, it lacks a certain "panty" quality that the charming Polish poster has going for it...but I always felt this poster captured a sort of early 1980s feeling...it's a bit anachronistic and that's why I feel it works, it's a throwback of sorts. It sounds very odd in this day and age to say that this was actually the cover of the VHS box...you remember VHS, don't you? You would hand crank the machine to start it...this was back in the days of Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton...before the "talkies". Those were the days in which the "Home Nickelodeon" system was first introduced.

My movie-making partner Rick Popko never warmed up to this poster. This made me want to punch Rick in the face, but we can't all act on sheer impulse can we? He had some bee in his bonnet about not showing the monster and felt that giving away its appearance somehow tainted a potential viewer's expectations...which in my mind goes against every rule of exploitation film making. This isn't "The Haunting" for fuck sake...it's a goddamn SHIT MONSTER...what the Hell do you think it's going to look like? Look at the fucking poster for "Jaws" for Christ's sake! What do you see? Gee...it appears to be a gigantic great white shark rising from the ocean depths about to devour a nude, female swimmer. Gosh...now that I've seen the shark...that really ruins the film for me. Just look at every goddamn horror movie poster of the 1950's...they don't call it "Tarantula" for no reason. Seems to me Rick wants to take the highbrow approach for a lowbrow concept...either that or he simply doesn't like the poster...which again makes me want to punch him in the face. Actually I would never really want punch Rick over something like this...maybe "stab" is too strong a word...but "strangle" might sum up just how I feel about this. But it takes two to tango, so in this area we have your classic Mexican standoff which happens to involve two Caucasians. I would also like to point out that Rick is part Polish (Popko!!) which leads me to believe he may have hand a secret hand in designing that Polish panty-pimping monstrosity seen in the previous post...which reminds me of a funny joke...how many Pollocks does it take to design a shit monster movie poster? One...his name is Rick Popko. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I'm not trying to toot my own horn in a Harpo Marx-style fashion either. I simply like the aesthetics of this design. It was also a pain in the ass to create given that I am a complete dipshit when it comes to using photoshop and my ex-wife used to really hate trying to guide me through it...so I would have to bitch slap her (since I am a stone cold pimp) which would hurt my hand and make using photoshop even more difficult. Then the ex would get all uppity and shit and I would have to kick her ass out in the street so all my other hoes knew not to fuck with Sugar Bear. That's when Steven Seagal would come in and say "You like to hit girls, tough guy?" to which I would respond "Yo, fuck you, you punk ass bitch!" At that point I would charge at Steven Seagal wielding a switch blade. Steven Seagal would then dodge me by inches, grab me, lift me into the air and throw me through a car windshield. It was all very violent and bloody back then....and to think it all stemmed from me being inept at photoshop.