The Horror......

I can only imagine the horror captured on vinyl here. This has to be more terrifying than the Disney record, "Chilling, Thrilling Sounds of The Haunted House". While I am the proud owner of the LP, "Jerry Lewis Just Sings", this baby...this ultimate monstrosity has me green with envy. You could actually torture someone with this. Can you imagine being strapped to a chair and forced to listen to this thing? Someday I'm going to acquire this album and on that glorious day I am going to dress up like Jerry Lewis and lip sync to this album, unsolicited, in a random 5th grade classroom. The teacher and her students will stare at me in fright, a student is sent to phone the police, but I will be too quick for them, slipping out of the window with my "Jerry Lewis Sings for Children" LP under my arm.

The police track me to a foggy swamp with teams of blood hounds. It is in this swamp where I meet Muzzledork, the old witch (of the swamp). She finds me eating her house...or at least attempting to until she informs me that it's not made out of candy and that it's really just an old shack. No wonder my teeth hurt. After being captured and imprisoned in a cage the witch offers me my freedom in exchange for sexual favors. I take the offer and engage in hot, elderly witch sex. After bringing her to orgasm 10 times in a row, Muzzledork creates a magic spell that gives me psychic powers and the ability to vaporize people with lasers which shoot out of my eyes. When granted my freedom I thank the old witch and inform her that her vagina tastes like bat gravy and toadstool mash. She promises to practice better feminine hygiene and we embrace. Then it's off to the tattoo parlor to have a tarantula with the head of Regis Philbin inked on my face. Later I drink a nice glass of cranberry juice and crawl into bed with my book about the Cleavland Torso Murderer. It's been a wacky day.