"Against The Dark" Can Fucking Eat Me!

"Against The Dark"...you promised me the moon and stars. Puffy, bloated, old Steven Seagal against an army of vampires...how could anything be so incredibly fantastic? How could this not be the greatest film ever made by anyone? I truly believed in you ,"Against The Dark". But you didn't deliver what you promised me and for that I am going to cut your head off with Steven Seagal's vampire killer sword. You wanted to be Richard Matheson's "I am Legend"...do you know how I know that? Because you kept hammering it over the fucking head..."We're the monsters now..."....Oh I get it...just like "I am Legend"...Fuck you "Against The Dark"....and hey...do you even know what vampires are? They are those blood-sucking creatures with fangs that are allergic to sunlight...sometimes they can turn into bats...your "vampires" were fucking zombies...or something like that...more like the infected hoards of "rage" victims from "28 Days Later"...whatever the hell they were, they weren't goddamn vampires. ...they were just infected people who liked to eat intestines...how does that make them vampires? Boy you sure loved to spout that pretentious dialogue..over and over and over...three goddamn thoughts said in 200 whiny, self-important and slightly different ways...you know what you could have used more of "Against The Dark"? More of goddamn Steven Seagal saying stupid shit and impaling people (or rather "vampires"...groan) on sharp objects...I didn't see any stakes through hearts...I didn't see any stupid CGI bat people...I didn't see any "vampires" burning in the sunlight....I saw a bunch of footage of Steven Seagal walking around with a sword inter cut with a lame rehash of "28 Days Later", that's what I fucking saw, you fraud!

At least you had the goddamn common courtesy to step up the Seagal factor in the last half of your shitty "28 Days Later" ripoff... at least you did that much for me...at least you had Seagal in a horror movie...but fuck you for dropping the ball "Against The Dark"...fuck you for not being what you should have been...the ULTIMATE retarded Steven Seagal crapfest! You talked dirty to me "Against The Dark" and then you didn't fuck me. You got me all worked up...then pissed on my parade, you lame asshole! When you said "Seagal Versus Vampires" you set expectations that must be achieved or there was bound to be one fucking non-vampire, i.e. me who was going to be out for blood....oh but according to "Against The Dark"...I may in fact BE A VAMPIRE! All I have to do is eat someone...I guess the vampires have eased up on their membership requirements in recent years.

This movie should have had much more violence...and much more Seagal....and ANY vampires that really seemed like vampires. Seagal should have had the lion's share of dialogue and screen time and not these pretty people I didn't give a flying fuck about. These people should have just been vampire fodder. There wasn't enough arm breaking or groin kicking or people getting thrown through windows or people getting impaled...in short...it didn't seem much like a Seagal movie...just a bad horror film.

I feel like Neville Chamberlain after that experience! I've been duped! Violated! But I deserve it...I walked right into this one....and secretly...somewhere in my ridiculous mind I still could justify watching this again...just on principle....now if you will excuse me...I have to go "Watch Out For Justice" to purge myself.