Kill Switch! Now That's Goddamn EXPLOITAINMENT!

Ahhhhhhh, "Kill Switch" written by and starring Steven Segal, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. For starters, Seagal wrote this baby so you know it's chock full of tasty Steven Seagal goodness. It's also the film that gives a whole new meaning to the term, "hammer time!". Yes, among other delightful antics, Steven Seagal and his 30 year old stunt double beat the sweet living shit out of a serial killer with a hammer, which cracked the serial killer up literally while I cracked up figuratively. As Seagal cracked bones, he also cracked wise in his new, nutty, semi-Cajun southern drawl. There's just nothing better than old, puffy Seagal saying his lines with an accent seasoned with a little Cajun spice. In "Urban Justice" he talked like a black hip hop artist...here he's a southern, not-so-good ole boy, Yee Haw! He show 'nuff likes them funny voices, Lord have mercy!


This movie has little a something for everyone. Especially if, like me, you happen to have very bad taste in entertainment . There is a vomiting F.B.I agent, a clown-eating cannibal joke (does this taste funny to you?), Isaac Hayes as a coroner, Seagal slamming a pimp's teeth into the bar of a local watering hole and pounding them into the wood by bashing him over the head, as if Seagal was the business end of a hammer and the pimp, a nail. Talk about getting hammered at a bar! (rim shot! Cue laugh track) This is the Seagal I know and love.

Did I mention the geriatric Seagal's 30 year old stunt double in the wacky Dracula wig? It appears that Steven has completely given up even appearing in his own fight scenes and now simply has the director film a bunch of quick zoom close-ups of him waving his arms around in the air like a spastic freak. These shots are then just randomly repeated throughout the fight scenes in this movie...which gives the impression that they are attempting some kind of Naked Gun-type visual gag. I kid you not, it became that retarded. Close up, puffy, elderly Seagal, cut away to overhead shot of 30 year old stunt man in funny Neil Diamond wig beating the shit out of the actor playing the villain. Cut back to same repeating close of of puffy, elderly Seagal waving his arms around. Repeat every few seconds.

There are two killers in this film (well three if you count the one in the recurring flashbacks), the first of whom is thrown out of a four story window by Seagal (several times if the jarringly-repeated editing is any indication). This man later walks out of jail with nary a scratch on his person, as if he were a particularly resilient Warner Brothers cartoon character. He sports not so much as a scab, he doesn't limp...nothing...did Jesus Christ manifest himself in his hospital room and cure the fucker? What the hell is up with that?

I should also mention that Steven Seagal's head has now swelled to the size of a pumpkin. He looks like a puffy-eyed jack-o-lantern with a widows peak.

So, in case you cannot discern by this glowing assessment, I give this fucker four shiny stars and a blue ribbon. This will be given its rightful place of honor in my DVD collection.