That Smooth Malt Liquor Taste!

This morning I headed over to Earl's live bait shop to see if he sold live children. I was going to try to catch me a witch and I was pretty sure that witches eat children. I always wanted to fly around on a broom stick and cast spells on people and live in a house made of candy...my father said that was all because I was a fucking retard. That's just what Earl said when I asked him if he sold live kids to catch a witch with. After he said that I talked really slowly, explaining all of this again to make sure he hadn't misunderstood me. Earl suggested that I leave his store before he put his foot up my ass. I informed him that if he wanted to put his foot up my ass then he might be the one who's retarded...either that or he might be a crazy pervert. At that point Earl sort of bashed me in the face with the butt of a shotgun he kept behind the counter.

When I regained consciousness I was being dragged down a dark and musty flight of steps by Earl. I was dazed from the blow to my head and couldn't think straight. Earl roughly jerked me into a dark basement area...I could hear the sound of water in the distance. I asked Earl what he was doing, but instead of giving me a straight answer he kicked me in the face, knocking me out cold again. When I awoke the next time I was hanging upside down by my ankles and Earl was lowering me slowly into a watery pit. In the murky water of the pit swam a gigantic alligator. The biggest one I ever saw. Again I asked Earl what the hell he was doing. "What the hell does it look like I'm doing you dipshit? I'm feeding you to my goddamn alligator!".

I thought about screaming but figured Earl would just knock me out cold again, so instead I started to swing back and forth, ever so gently. Before Earl knew what hit him I had swung into him full force, knocking him into the gator pit and seizing hold of the rope to stop my decent. Below me I could hear Earl screaming bloody murder as he was eaten alive by his own monstrous pet. I will never forget those horrible screams or the chomping sound of the gator's mighty jaws on Earl's puffy flesh. It sounded something like: Chomp! Chomp! Chomp! "Oh FUCK! Help me! Oh God, NO! Oh Holy Jesus!" Chomp! Chomp! "Oh HOLY FUCKING GOD! AHHHHHHH!"

I wondered how long I would be able to just hang there over the pit before the gator got hungry again and decided to try to make a go for me. He would surely be able leap up far enough to bite off my head..and I sure liked having a head...especially mine. After the gator bit my head off it would only be a matter of time before my body would lose its grip on the rope and follow my head's journey into the monster's jaws. Slowly I began to lose hope. I prayed for God to send Wonder Woman to rescue me and then show me her tits. I cried out in terror, hoping someone upstairs might hear my pleas. Moments later I heard footsteps descending the stairs. A thin man stepped out of the shadows to greet me. The man wore black leather thong underwear and a moldy Jack-o-Lantern on his head. His shoes were made of wood, so I instantly assumed his heritage to be Dutch. When I asked him why he was wearing a rotting Jack-O-Lantern on his head he quickly corrected me...according to the weirdo in the thong it was to actually referred to as a "Jacques-O-Lanterarium". The man then informed me that he could grant wishes and that today was my lucky day. After freeing me from my previously precarious predicament the pumpkin wearing oddball introduced himself as "Johnny Justice: Bringer of The Holy Light of Ishtar". I introduced myself as "Chuck"...then quickly thought better of using my real name and re-introduced myself as "Mr. Benny Kleinman of 241 Hampshire Terrace South, Apartment B-2".

Following a brief scuffle, during which the strange man attempted to remove my pants, I was asked my heart's desire. What was it that I wished to wish for? Taking the man at face value as a complete lunatic I wished for a Dragon who sported the head of Don Knotts and had floppy dildos for ears, and upon who's back road the entire cast of the television show "B.J. and the Bear". The dragon was to live on marmalade and be a proud member of the Kiss Army. This was a decision I was soon to regret as the man turned out to prove good on what I thought to be insane boasting. Now what the fuck am I going to do with this stupid dragon? And that goddamn chimpanzee who played "The Bear" keeps throwing his feces at me. The rest of the cast also drank all of my beer and when I politely suggested they all take on some type of day jobs they told me to get fucked.