The Paco Is The Man For To Love You Sexy!

Today I have a special treat for all of you folks out in "Cyber Land". I may have previously mentioned that last Thursday I was lucky enough to conduct an in depth interview with a weird man wearing a Mr. Spock mask. Today, I am honored to post this intriguing interview here on the Dan West Hates You blog. Without further adieu, here is that fabulous interview:

Dan West: I must admit that this is quite a thrill, Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask. Thank you for speaking with me.

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: It's my pleasure.

Dan West: In your autobiography, "To All The Sexy, Sassy Ladies", you mention that you found the Mr. Spock mask on the vomit and blood-covered floor of a gas station restroom in Fairfield California on Halloween night in 1997, is that true?

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: Yes that is the story of how I came to find the Mr. Spock mask.

Dan West: You smell a bit like alcohol. Have you been drinking?

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask : Yes. I've actually had quite a few cocktails this morning. Pills as well

Dan West: That explains the heavy slurring in your voice. Going back to your autobiography, you mention in Chapter 8 that you would one day like to become a highly-paid voice actor and provide numerous character voices for Saturday morning cartoons. How is that goal fleshing out? Any closer to the dream?

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: I actually don't remember writing that. You see, I often suffer from blackouts due to my heavy drinking. That can be problematic, to say the least. I had to stop driving my ice cream truck in order to concentrate fully on my heavy drinking.

Dan West: You also mention in the book that if you get into a fight, you prefer to fight the elderly as they are slow and their bones are brittle and easily broken.

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: Yes, you can really go Steven Seagal-apeshit on the geriatrics. They snap like twigs and they usually can't bite you due to the possibility of their dentures coming loose. Also, a lot of them are light weight and easily lifted so they're ideal for throwing through windows.

Dan West: Well, thank you, Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask, this has been a real treat.

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: You're welcome, it's been fun walking down Memory Lane...or I guess you'd say "skipping" in my case due to the blackouts.

Gettin' It On With Chachi

Well the results of the second annual "Dan West Love Sexy Poll" are in, people! Your voices rang out loud and clear about your likes and dislikes and I must admit that I find the results to be very interesting. The people have spoken!

1.) Favorite brand of men's briefs to wear on your head like a ski mask: Fruit of the Loom (Congrats on their second win! Go Fruit!)

2.) Favorite thing to stare at while masturbating furiously : Internet porn (Also a second win, with Archie Comics running a close second! Watch out Internet! Archie's got your number!)

3.) Favorite thing to kill : Houseflies (Sorry homeless people, nice try! Psyche!)

4.) Favorite thing to light on fire : The elderly (It seems bags of dog shit just don't cut the mustard in this day and age)

5.) Favorite form of transportation into outer space : A rocket ship

6.) Favorite movie child murderer : Curt Duncan from "When A Stranger Calls" (1979) (sorry Freddy Krueger!)

7.) Favorite words to carve into flesh : "Satan's Whore!"

8.) Favorite racial slur : "Midget"

9.) The fictitious television character that you would most like to sodomize with a glass dildo : "Chachi" from "Happy Days" and its spin off "Joni Loves Chachi". (sorry "Screech"! The bell couldn't save you this time out!)

10.) Live animal that you would most like to put in your mouth : A sewer rat (no comment!)

Well, folks....you've had your say and I hope you all washed your hands afterward. Until next year, go fuck yourselves!

Bloody Justice For Ernie Dunston and His Best Friend Wally

Today, as I was leafing through this month's issue of "Surgical Glove Monthly", my eye caught a strange ad on the bottom right corner of page 78 (in case you would like to verify this by checking the page in your own copy of the magazine it's the July 2009, issue. The cover story is titled "The Summer of Glove"...and it's a GREAT story by the way.) The ad read "Hey Fuckface, why don't you go fuck a donkey wearing a Popeye mask?"

Not only was the ad completely bizarre, but it was confusing as well. Was the donkey supposed to wear the Popeye mask or was the person having intercourse with the donkey supposed to wear it? As I read on, it became even more confusing. "Send $45.00 for my filthy diarrhea-stained underwear, you halfwit, puppet-fucking, mongoloid!" it read in bold red letters.

What the hell does that mean? Is that really an actual advertisement? Furthermore, this obscene, rambling gibberish was printed over a photo of an elderly, nude, male dwarf wearing a cowboy hat, boots and a Lone Ranger mask. The little person in the photo was making an obscene gesture and sticking his tongue out at the camera. The text across the bottom of the ad read : "Eat my vomit, you Nazi fuck!"

I couldn't make head or tail of the damned ad. What was it actually advertising? What did any of this garbage have to do with surgical gloves?

The New "Monsturd" Video Game from Atari!!!!

Here are some of the exciting new images of the characters from the the fantastic, new "Monsturd" video game now being released in the late 1980s ( belatedly) from ATARI!!! See all of your favorite "Monsturd" characters wage digital battle with the evil shit monster! : Dale and Bobby, the smelly bums, Dr. Waters, Prof. Downing, Agent Hannigan, Sheriff Duncan, The evil Dr. Stern, Deputy Rick and Deputy Dan! It's fun (?) for the entire family!

Hot, Naked MILF With Hitler Moustache

This morning as I was unsuccessfully attempting to nail Grandmother inside of her new birthday coffin, I was interrupted by a knock at the front door. To hide the bloody scratches on my face I pulled a pair of women's silk panties over my head that had holes cut out for my eyes and then answered the door. It was the milkman, which was very odd since I hadn't retained the services of a milkman since 1972. The milkman asked me to provide him with a DNA sample. He said he wanted to send it to the F.B.I's headquarters in Quantico Virginia to prove his theory that I was a serial rapist that had been ravaging the town of Suddsville, Arkansas since 1984. He then handed me a plastic top hat and requested that I masturbate into it. Never one to turn down an opportunity to masturbate, I happily obliged. The milkman thanked me and said that I would soon regret raping all of those professional bowlers. As the milkman sped away in his milk truck, raw, plucked chickens began to rain from the sky, smacking across the pavement as they landed. It was shaping up to be a very strange day.