It certainly promised to be an exciting day here at the Dan West Hates You And None Of You Will Be Happy Blog! Today's post was really going to knock the comedic socks off of all the three and a half people who are occasionally intellectually masochistic enough to stop in and read this crap. Today's post was going to be a real humdinger! (Wow! that sounded very pornographic!) It was to be a wild and woolly tale of how I fell off of a ladder while nailing a bra to a barroom ceiling and was suddenly transported (via my imagination) to a magical place called "Tinkletownvilleland".
There, (in Tinkletownvilleland)with eyes full of wonder, I would embark on a wonderful adventure filled with fantasy and just a hint of patricide and methamphetamine abuse. I would meet many characters during my journey: Gelatinous Rudy, "The Pimpster", Skull Head, Skipper The Stripper (Who can't keep up her zipper), He Who Salivates, Mr. Melty and little Taco. Each of these fantastic characters would, in their own way, teach me a poignant life lesson that would enrich my being from the neck up, but do nothing for the nasty bits kept hidden in my colorful, patch-covered pants (except for Skipper).
Together we would all perform a rousing climactic musical number about deadly fungus titled : "Stachybotrys Chartarum, Oh How You Do Me Such Har-um!" Also at one point I would be threatened by a nude and hairy giant who would shake his fist at me and proclaim, "I'm gonna discontinue the living shit out of you! You dick-nosed fuckface!"
But what could such a fabulous blog post be titled? Would it be called "Choo Choo Opts For Breast Reduction Surgery"? Or perhaps, "Consummate The Voodoo Of Your Love"! My mind raced with possibilities: "Twinkie Gets His Groove On", "New Passion Of The Christ Inflatable Punching Bag", "Ralph Singleton's Private Underwear Party", "Wiener Swingin' Jiveass Dance Party", "Ron Cummings Strums The Sexual Banjo", "A Ringworm For Poppy", "Johnson's Nose To Cleavage Adhesive Spray", "Momma Discovers Doogie's Nipple Clamps", "Bananas: Nature's Erection".
Yes, this one going to be one hell of an awesome blog post!
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