Ingo Gets The Squirts

The man introduced himself as "Bob Bunyan". "Like the giant" he added.

"Giant?" Dr. Becker wasn't sure what possible significance the comparison could have.

"You know...Paul Bunyan."

"Oh...that giant" Looking at the man's chart, Dr. Becker saw that Mr. Bunyan had also included this trivial tidbit on his insurance information form.

"The one with the giant blue ox" the man said. "The giant lumberjack".

Dr. Becker sighed. "I get it, Mr. Bunyan. There's no need to belabor the point...wringing it dry like a blood-soaked rag. At this point you are flogging a dead horse, Bunyan. I get it! Next time leave this kind of trivial horseshit off of your insurance forms, or I'll put my foot so far up your ass you'll belch Birkenstocks"

Mr. Bunyan looked a bit shell-shocked by the scolding and Dr. Becker relished the man's uneasiness. Becker did not suffer fools and the tongue lashing had been quite satisfying.

"Having the same last name as a legendary giant lumberjack does not make you anything special, Mr. Bunyan. If anything, pointing that out makes you seem meek and insignificant...like some kind of wriggling, slimy worm...or better yet, a maggot....squirming in a sea of feces with others of your ilk."

Mr. Bunyan bowed his head, looking ashamed and Dr. Becker withheld a grin. He loved nothing more than berating his patients...except perhaps for stabbing them...but he didn't do that sort of thing anymore. He'd had the "Bad Becker" under control for quite some time now. His mask and knives were safely tucked away in a safety deposit box just in case the police should come to call on him.

"Here, Mr. Bunyan, I'll just fix this form of yours". Becker removed a ballpoint pen from the breast pocket of his lab coat and scribbled out Bunyan's "like the giant" notation and replaced it with the words "like the asshole". "There we are...much, much, much better!" he said, passing the clipboard to Mr. Bunyan. Bunyan gazed at the notation and began to sob quietly. Delighted by the man's waterworks, Becker couldn't resist ridiculing his patient further.

"I hate you, Bunyan! You're an idiot and I hope you die!" he hissed. Mr. Bunyan gazed up at the Doctor, red-eyed and full of self-loathing. "Why are you doing this to me?" he pleaded. The Doctor threw his head back and laughed. "I'm only funning ya, buddy boy!" he said and patted Mr. Bunyan on the shoulder gently. "It's all good, peckerwood, I'm just making a funny ha ha joke...like the stand up comedians do down at The Funny Farm Comedy Club!"

Bunyan looked confused but somewhat relieved by this information. "A...a joke? Like a comedian?"

"Yes...a funny funny ha ha joke like the comedian! Like the Bob Hope or the George Burns make with funny mouth! Make many joke so as to be laughed at by public!" Becker then began to walk stiffly around the exam room as if he were some kind of robot. "Dr. Pookie make funny joke for patient man in exam room!" Bunyan was further befuddled by his doctor's odd behavior, staring at him with his mouth agape. "Dr. Pookie is made of metal like the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz!" Becker said robotically.

"Or like C-3PO?" Bunyan asked

"Ya ya! Little Dutch Boy! Me like C-3PO! Me robot!" Becker suddenly froze in his tracks. "Uh oh!" he mumbled.

Bunyan examined him. "What's wrong, Doctor?"

"Robot doctor accidentally make shit in pants." Becker answered.

Mr. Bunyan looked uncomfortable. "You shit your pants?"

"Robot doctor make doo doo download in drawers. Red alert! Red alert."

Bunyan quickly gathered his clothing from the chair he had draped it over. "Well...I guess you'll want to take care of that then, Doctor...uh...I'll just be going."

"Robot doctor want Mr. Bunyan for friend." Becker said and then broke wind loudly. "Oops! Make more robot poo poo in pants!"

At this, Bunyan bolted for the door of the exam room only to find it locked.

"Stay awhile" Becker whispered. "I was just about to make some of my famous sangria."

The Hardy Boys And The Case Of The Stinky Pinkie

As I mourn over the double-whammy loss of both Tura Satana and Dave Friedman, I felt the need to lift my spirits by bringing back one of my least favorite guests in the whole world for a little chin wag. Today, making his 3rd and hopefully final appearance on the Dan West's Homemade Embalming Fluid blog, we welcome the Weird Guy in a Mr. Spock Mask.

Dan: Well ,Weird Guy in a Mr. Spock Mask, it's interesting to have you back and the over-powering smell of cheap booze leads me to believe that you didn't fail to disappoint the fans by showing up sober.

Weird Guy: No, I'm hammered, Don. I've had five screwdrivers so far this morning.

Dan: Well then I suppose I can certainly interest you in a mimosa then, Weird Guy.

Weird Guy: Absolutely.

Dan: I knew you were coming, so I baked a cake...here you are.

Weird Guy: (Reads cake) "Go Fuck Yourself"...oh, that's cute, Don. I knew I was coming so I got baked (Laughs)

Dan: I'd like to begin by asking, if you could change your name to anything in the world, what would your new name be?

Weird Guy: Jocko "Chung King Dynasty" Pue-Pue...no wait (thinks for a moment and then speaks in drugged-up Elvis Presley voice) Johnny Poontag!

Dan: If you had a time machine, what would be your first adventure?

Weird Guy: I would travel back in time and give Michael Jackson that chocolate milk enema.

Dan: Any traumatizing and tantalizing childhood stories that you would care to share?

Weird Guy: My mother used to drink from a rubber baby doll that peed gin.

Dan: Hardly surprising...Would you care to make up any fictitious accusations against any family members that we can attribute to "recovered memory"?

Weird Guy: My Uncle Jackie once performed fellatio on a guy dressed like The Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz during a Satanic black mass.

Dan: If you could lick anything on Earth with your tongue, what would it be?

Weird Guy: Merv Griffin's coffin lid.

Dan: If you could have any particular body scent, what would that scent be?

Weird Guy: I would like to smell like the crotch of the original Creature from the Black Lagoon costume.

Dan: If you were captured in a net by a race of highly-evolved apes that possessed intelligence to rival that of modern man, what would you say to your hairy captors?

Weird Guy: I would clear my throat and then say in a loud and gravelly voice, "The aroma of your hands leads me to the conclusion that at least one of you enjoys fisting your sexual partner."

Dan: If you could write a script for an episode of the popular 1980s sitcom, Punky Brewster, what would your episode be about?

Weird Guy: I've thought about this for many years, and I have to say that in my episode Punky would befriend a flatulent hobo who is being sought by authorities for performing a botched sex change operation. I would title the episode: "Boner Patrol".

Dan: What book would you recommend for Oprah's 2011 Book Club Reading List?

Weird Guy: "Make Mine Pumpernickel: A Collection of Erotic Star Wars Fan Fiction", which is a volume of short stories written by Star Wars enthusiasts from Iceland. In one of the stories Jabba the Hutt performs cunnilingus on Princess Leia with that crazy tongue of his. It really gave me an erection, which eventually resulted in my being physically escorted out of Disneyland.

Dan: Are you lying?

Weird Guy: Yes...there is no such collection of Star Wars fan fiction, but the part about the erection at Disneyland is true.

Dan: What is you favorite line from the song, "We Wish You a Merry Christmas"?

Weird Guy: Tough call, but I would have to say the line about the figgy pudding. I just love a figgy pudding.

Dan: Do you have any personal heroes?
Weird Guy: Oh sure, Martin Luther King, Harvey Milk, Woody Woodpecker, Witchiepoo and the original bass player for Deep Purple
Dan: Any big turn offs?
Weird Guy: A sexual attraction to foot-long hot dogs and a desire to be sodomized by a man wearing a Garry Shandling mask.
Dan: Okay, well I guess that about says it all, Weird Guy in a Mr. Spock Mask. I'd like to thank you for putting in your 3rd appearnce on the Dan West Hates you blog and I hope to Christ that you won't be back in the near future.
Weird Guy: I thank you, Dirk...always a pleasure.

Gurgles, The Heavily-Medicated Chocolate Lovechild

The mad killer had left a trail of butchered bodies in his wake that brought to mind some kind of awful human chum line shoveled out for the police to follow like hungry sharks. His modus operandi was as unpleasant as his nickname, "The Maniacal Murderous Mutilating Madman of Midtown Manhattan". It was rather an excessively-long nickname, but we'd had a contest down at the 21st precinct where the winner who came up with the best nickname for the murderer won a free dinner at Happy Steak and it just so happened that that one was the most popular of the bunch. Personally I liked my own submission : "Kill-O-Tron X: Blood Hunter From The Future", but I was obviously in the minority on that one. In all honesty we could have just gone with "The Kiss Army Killer" which would have made sense given the murderer's habit of writing the police his taunting letters on Kiss Army stationary, but everyone had their own take on the killer's most suitable moniker...I'm just glad nobody actually voted for "Aquaman", because I'm pretty sure that one was meant as a joke.

The killer's latest victim had been found in the bathtub of her midtown apartment by a worried neighbor after she'd failed to show up for a ventriloquism lesson with her teacher, Jackie "Cap'n Patches" Paulsen.

"She never missed a lesson." the neighbor had explained.

"Ventriloquism was her whole life. That and 'Knife Collector's Showcase' on the QVC shopping channel. She tended to work blue, which I didn't particularly care for, but she was very good. Her comic timing was impeccable....God only knows what will become of Pappy Peanuts now that she's been butchered like that." The distraught woman went on to explain that Pappy Peanuts had been the victim's ventriloquist dummy; an overall-clad country bumpkin type of character with a taste for bawdy wordplay.

"Perhaps he can be donated to one of those creepy ventriloquist dummy museums I've heard about." I suggested.

"What kind of a maniac would do something like this?" She said, holding back sobs.

"A maniacal one." I said. "Yes sir, a real maniacal maniac is at work here. He murders and mutilates...he's a madman alright...who murders in the midtown Manhattan area. Yes siree, that's why we call him The Maniacal Murderous Mutilating Madman of Midtown Manhattan, miss... or as those on the inside call him, 'Mmmmmm'". I observed the mutilated body of the victim closely, making several mental notes...most of which were related to a discussion thread I'd chimed in on the previous night concerning World of Warcraft. My level 20 Paladin quest had given me an awesome new weapon and I wanted to share the news with my fellow dwellers of Azeroth.

"Did you happen to see anyone leaving this apartment carrying what appeared to be a human head?" I asked, pulling a pad and pen from my coat pocket. "Perhaps the man would have had something under his coat that might have made him look pregnant. Maybe in the last few days you've seen something strange like that and thought to yourself 'Hmmm, that man looks pregnant, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger in the delightful comedy, Junior. "

The woman thought for a moment. "Come to think of it, I did see a pregnant man carrying a human head, but I didn't really think anything of it until now" she said.

"Can you describe this man?" I asked.

"Well he looked pregnant...about nine months along I'd guess, and was carrying a human head." she said.

"Well seeing as how he couldn't possibly be nine-months pregnant in appearance and carrying a human head at the same time, this man is obviously an imaginary boogie man concocted by your no-doubt senile and traumatized mind, Mame...I'm sorry, but this looks like a dead end."

"But Pappy Peanuts is missing, Mr. Detectiveman. Wouldn't it be possible that the killer might have hidden the missing dummy in his coat, giving him the appearance of being pregnant?"

"Impossible...if he were nine months along as you claim he would have left behind a telltale trail of slimy ventriloquist dummy placenta...just like a giant murderous garden snail. It's always the afterbirth that nails them. At least that's how it goes with World of Warcraft. No, I think you've probably been reading too many Aquaman comic books, Mame, but for the sake of argument I'm going to have you draw a police sketch of this character that you believe you saw on this pad of paper." I said, passing her my pad and pen.

"But...I can't draw." she said.

"Nonsense. You'd be amazed what you can do when you put your mind to it. It doesn't have to be museum quality, Mame. I just need a little something to follow up on. Throw me a bone here for Christ's sake. I'm trying to apprehend a maniac before he strikes again....possibly in this very building...maybe coming back to cover his tracks by eliminating a potential witness who could put his crazy ass in the gas chamber. Follow me, Granny?"

The old woman gave the drawing her best effort, employing what limited artistic talent she possessed, and then passed the pad back, looking slightly embarrassed. I observed the drawing with a grimace of distaste.

"Well you're no Rembrandt, lady, that's for certain. Is that his eye? Looks like Paul Williams with downe syndrome. Is that an arm or a trombone? Shit, a three-year-old could draw a better murderer than this, but thanks for the effort. I'll make some copies and circulate them around...see if we get any nibbles." I tucked the drawing into my pocket. "Well, forensics will be here shortly to mop up this mess. If you see anymore murders you give me a call." I passed her my business card. "You might want to consider taking a few art classes. I believe seniors get some sort of discount at City College." I tipped my hat and turned to take my leave. "Now excuse me, Mame. I have to go shove an entire watermelon up my asshole." I said.

The elderly neighbor looked horrified by the idea. "I'm only funnin' ya, Granny." I said with a chuckle as I headed down the stairs.

Somewhere, out in the cold New York night, a kill-crazy maniac was running loose. I was just glad that I would be safely indoors playing World of Warcraft.