As I mourn over the double-whammy loss of both Tura Satana and Dave Friedman, I felt the need to lift my spirits by bringing back one of my least favorite guests in the whole world for a little chin wag. Today, making his 3rd and hopefully final appearance on the Dan West's Homemade Embalming Fluid blog, we welcome the Weird Guy in a Mr. Spock Mask.
Dan: Well ,Weird Guy in a Mr. Spock Mask, it's interesting to have you back and the over-powering smell of cheap booze leads me to believe that you didn't fail to disappoint the fans by showing up sober.
Weird Guy: No, I'm hammered, Don. I've had five screwdrivers so far this morning.
Dan: Well then I suppose I can certainly interest you in a mimosa then, Weird Guy.
Weird Guy: Absolutely.
Dan: I knew you were coming, so I baked a cake...here you are.
Weird Guy: (Reads cake) "Go Fuck Yourself"...oh, that's cute, Don. I knew I was coming so I got baked (Laughs)
Dan: I'd like to begin by asking, if you could change your name to anything in the world, what would your new name be?
Weird Guy: Jocko "Chung King Dynasty" Pue-Pue...no wait (thinks for a moment and then speaks in drugged-up Elvis Presley voice) Johnny Poontag!
Dan: If you had a time machine, what would be your first adventure?
Weird Guy: I would travel back in time and give Michael Jackson that chocolate milk enema.
Dan: Any traumatizing and tantalizing childhood stories that you would care to share?
Weird Guy: My mother used to drink from a rubber baby doll that peed gin.
Dan: Hardly surprising...Would you care to make up any fictitious accusations against any family members that we can attribute to "recovered memory"?
Weird Guy: My Uncle Jackie once performed fellatio on a guy dressed like The Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz during a Satanic black mass.
Dan: If you could lick anything on Earth with your tongue, what would it be?
Weird Guy: Merv Griffin's coffin lid.
Dan: If you could have any particular body scent, what would that scent be?
Weird Guy: I would like to smell like the crotch of the original Creature from the Black Lagoon costume.
Dan: If you were captured in a net by a race of highly-evolved apes that possessed intelligence to rival that of modern man, what would you say to your hairy captors?
Weird Guy: I would clear my throat and then say in a loud and gravelly voice, "The aroma of your hands leads me to the conclusion that at least one of you enjoys fisting your sexual partner."
Dan: If you could write a script for an episode of the popular 1980s sitcom, Punky Brewster, what would your episode be about?
Weird Guy: I've thought about this for many years, and I have to say that in my episode Punky would befriend a flatulent hobo who is being sought by authorities for performing a botched sex change operation. I would title the episode: "Boner Patrol".
Dan: What book would you recommend for Oprah's 2011 Book Club Reading List?
Weird Guy: "Make Mine Pumpernickel: A Collection of Erotic Star Wars Fan Fiction", which is a volume of short stories written by Star Wars enthusiasts from Iceland. In one of the stories Jabba the Hutt performs cunnilingus on Princess Leia with that crazy tongue of his. It really gave me an erection, which eventually resulted in my being physically escorted out of Disneyland.
Dan: Are you lying?
Weird Guy: Yes...there is no such collection of Star Wars fan fiction, but the part about the erection at Disneyland is true.
Dan: What is you favorite line from the song, "We Wish You a Merry Christmas"?
Weird Guy: Tough call, but I would have to say the line about the figgy pudding. I just love a figgy pudding.
Dan: Do you have any personal heroes?
Weird Guy: Oh sure, Martin Luther King, Harvey Milk, Woody Woodpecker, Witchiepoo and the original bass player for Deep Purple
Dan: Any big turn offs?
Weird Guy: A sexual attraction to foot-long hot dogs and a desire to be sodomized by a man wearing a Garry Shandling mask.
Dan: Okay, well I guess that about says it all, Weird Guy in a Mr. Spock Mask. I'd like to thank you for putting in your 3rd appearnce on the Dan West Hates you blog and I hope to Christ that you won't be back in the near future.
Weird Guy: I thank you, Dirk...always a pleasure.
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