American Pie Redux

A long-ass time ago
When, I can't remember
I saw a film with Jerry Lewis running wild
But what I couldn't figure out
was what the film was all about
it was just Jerry acting like a crazy child

And Hardly Working made me shiver
Don't raise the bridge, just lower the river
Which Way to the Front? and The Patsy
Jerry's dressed up as a Nazi!

And the producers are still horrified
About that piece of shit when the clown cried
It must have hurt old Jerry's pride
The day that project died

So don't cry, Mr. Chocolate Pie
Little Debbie ate at Chevy's
My tarantula died
Them Oak Ridge Boys was rollin' in the pigsty
singin' "This'll be the day the clown cried
"This'll be the day the clown cried"

Did you learn how to make sweet love
while jerking off wearing Playtex gloves
Are you just a skanky ho?
Do you stick your head in toilet bowls?
Can you hide food in your fatty folds?
And can you teach me how to lance my boils?

Well I saw you on that Jungle Gym
As you both sang out like Tiny Tim
you both wore wooden shoes
I play the lottery and always lose

I was s stitched-up teenage Frankenstein
with a raging sex drive and a taste for wine
and I almost lost my mind
The day that worlds collide

I started singin',
Don't lie, Mr. Purple Hair Dye
This dessert is very heavy and the turkey was dry
The Oak Ridge Boys have all kissed me goodbye
I'm singin' This'll be the day the clown cried
This'll be the day the clown cried

Now in the future they'll be armies of clones
and Keith Richards from The Rolling Stones
But now I really have to pee
Then Uncle Fester sang a song by Queen
in a jacket smelling of Jim Beam
and a voice that sounded just like Mr. T

Oh, and while we all dressed up as clowns
our buttocks all made farty sounds
the firewood was all burned
and our fan mail was returned
And while everyone talked like Grouch Marx
A crazy naked man ran through the park
Sheriff Brody killed a great white shark
These beans, they've been refried

And we were singin'
Don't cry, have some more pumpkin pie
I wear a jock strap on my face
I'm an irregular guy
The Oak Ridge Boys crossed over to the dark side
singin' let's all build a new water slide
And down the chute our bodies will glide

And Bobby Belcher was a rumored felcher
who hid his victims in a fallout shelter
He had pink eye from sniffing ass
And liked to wear a Don Knotts mask
inhaling gasses that were passed
As Richard Dreyfuss sculpted potatoes that were mashed

Now your half-assed schemes are all but doomed
aborted from their cozy womb
Don't leave things up to chance
Oh, Jerry Lewis is respected in France
He's a genuis of the silver screen
And they like him better when he's without Dean
He gets bigger laughs than Mr. Bean
The French must have no pride

We started singin' Why deny that we like to get high
Did so much acid that I flipped out and I thought I would die
All this angel dust has made me think I can fly
Maybe I can sore right into the sky
if you think you can stop me just try

Oh, then flying saucers came from outer space
And I dreamt that Genie sat down on my face
A generation soaked in bathtub gin
So come on, Jack be feeble, Jack get sick,
Jack's got herpes sores upon his dick
'cause condoms are for pussies, says Jack's friends

Oh, as Jerry Lewis took the stage
The french declared him all the rage
No angel born in Hades
could stop him from saying "Nice Ladies!"
And as all the Frenchmen sang his praise,
delirious with comic daze
It was fucking Jerry craze
A thought I can't abide

And we were singin'
All die as fire rains from the sky

The Apocalypse is coming and we're all gonna fry

So say farewell and kiss your asses goodbye

'Cause baby this'll be the day that you die

Our eminent destruction is nigh

He played seven parts in The Family Jewels

A nutty cast of crazy fools

A Delicate Delinquent gone astray

The Bellboy and Who's Minding the Store?

And Cracking Up which I deplore

but I've seen it 50 times now anyway

And at the moon the werewolf howls

then drops his pants and moves his bowels

The heads have all been shrunken

I just made love to a pumpkin;

And I tried to be a gracious host

As I raised my wine glass in a toast

To Casper the most friendly ghost

but then I got tongue-tied

I started sayin' Why, why Casper, why did you you die?

You were so friendly and so gentle that I break down and cry

What kind ghoul would murder such a nice guy?

You can walk through walls and also can fly

A little spook so tender and shy

And I was sayin' Why, why Casper, why did you die?

You were so friendly and so gentle that I break down and cry
What kind of fiend could strangle such a sweet guy?

You can walk through walls and also can fly