Against The Clown That Cried In The Dark

Last night, as Morticia and I enjoyed dining out at a surprisingly delicious vegan restaurant (you know vegans...they're those things on Star Trek...or maybe they were from Lost In Space...anyway), the topic of discussion turned to the inevitable subject of "Against The Dark". The new Steven Seagal versus vampires movie that Netflix has been depriving me of despite its place at the top of my queue (due to the foreboding "very long wait" availability status). It was decided that since this is without a doubt the greatest film ever made that I should simply purchase the goddamn DVD from Amazon rather than denying myself the joys of a world in which Steven Seagal co-exists with vampires and beats the living shit out of them before killing them. No matter how much this movie is going to suck (no pun intended...vampires...sucking...well, maybe...yes..scratch that...pun intended) it is still going to FUCKING RULE THE ROOST OF SWEET BADASS SHIT! And for this reason, Mortician and I decided that The Seagal and his vampire foes should be immortalized in one of my hideous, fake, Mexican pulp novel cover art -style paintings. Soon I shall put brush to canvas, capturing all of the majesty that is Steven Seagal fighting a bunch of vampires. It will be my greatest work to date, and that's not saying much. It shall be framed in gold and put on display above a makeshift altar, upon which incense will burn at all hours. Never have I been so inspired as a painter...except when I did that portrait of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Family...and when I scribbled that childish doddle of my poster concept for "The Day The Clown Cried" starring Jerry Lewis as the hilarious (just an assumption) clown, Helmut Doork who is sent to a Nazi concentration camp and subsequently ends up leading children to the gas chamber...but of course...I haven't painted that one yet...it's now only a beautiful vision...Jerry Lewis...as a clown...in a Nazi concentration camp...leading children to the gas chamber....and I didn't even make that plot up so don't fucking blame me or think I'm being weird. (Check IMDB if you think I'm crazy. Talk about the holy grail of absolute cinematic shit. But if you want to ever see that one you'd better call Batman, James Bond or Indiana Jones, because that shitfest is never going to see the light of day)

If only they could locate the footage of the as-yet-never-to be-released Lewis film and simply edit it together with "Against The Dark"...then mankind would have the greatest of all motion pictures: "Against The Clown That Cried In The Dark" Starring Jerry Lewis and Steven Seagal. Dare to dream.

Can I Have My Autograph?

As far as poster art for my own movie, I've always felt that the very first original poster art designed by myself and my ex-wife was my favorite...I mean sure, it lacks a certain "panty" quality that the charming Polish poster has going for it...but I always felt this poster captured a sort of early 1980s feeling...it's a bit anachronistic and that's why I feel it works, it's a throwback of sorts. It sounds very odd in this day and age to say that this was actually the cover of the VHS box...you remember VHS, don't you? You would hand crank the machine to start it...this was back in the days of Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton...before the "talkies". Those were the days in which the "Home Nickelodeon" system was first introduced.

My movie-making partner Rick Popko never warmed up to this poster. This made me want to punch Rick in the face, but we can't all act on sheer impulse can we? He had some bee in his bonnet about not showing the monster and felt that giving away its appearance somehow tainted a potential viewer's expectations...which in my mind goes against every rule of exploitation film making. This isn't "The Haunting" for fuck sake...it's a goddamn SHIT MONSTER...what the Hell do you think it's going to look like? Look at the fucking poster for "Jaws" for Christ's sake! What do you see? Gee...it appears to be a gigantic great white shark rising from the ocean depths about to devour a nude, female swimmer. Gosh...now that I've seen the shark...that really ruins the film for me. Just look at every goddamn horror movie poster of the 1950's...they don't call it "Tarantula" for no reason. Seems to me Rick wants to take the highbrow approach for a lowbrow concept...either that or he simply doesn't like the poster...which again makes me want to punch him in the face. Actually I would never really want punch Rick over something like this...maybe "stab" is too strong a word...but "strangle" might sum up just how I feel about this. But it takes two to tango, so in this area we have your classic Mexican standoff which happens to involve two Caucasians. I would also like to point out that Rick is part Polish (Popko!!) which leads me to believe he may have hand a secret hand in designing that Polish panty-pimping monstrosity seen in the previous post...which reminds me of a funny joke...how many Pollocks does it take to design a shit monster movie poster? One...his name is Rick Popko. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I'm not trying to toot my own horn in a Harpo Marx-style fashion either. I simply like the aesthetics of this design. It was also a pain in the ass to create given that I am a complete dipshit when it comes to using photoshop and my ex-wife used to really hate trying to guide me through it...so I would have to bitch slap her (since I am a stone cold pimp) which would hurt my hand and make using photoshop even more difficult. Then the ex would get all uppity and shit and I would have to kick her ass out in the street so all my other hoes knew not to fuck with Sugar Bear. That's when Steven Seagal would come in and say "You like to hit girls, tough guy?" to which I would respond "Yo, fuck you, you punk ass bitch!" At that point I would charge at Steven Seagal wielding a switch blade. Steven Seagal would then dodge me by inches, grab me, lift me into the air and throw me through a car windshield. It was all very violent and bloody back then....and to think it all stemmed from me being inept at photoshop.

Gowniany Horror Anyone? No? Was it the panties?

Wow, this Polish DVD cover for Monsturd manages to do the impossible...making a completely tasteless movie look even more tasteless. It looks like some pornographic Mad Magazine cover. I never realized until I saw this what our original DVD cover boxes were missing...panties...why didn't we think of that? I find this cover rather jaw-dropping...and more than a little disturbing...in the most zany and madcap way possible of course...but Jesus H. Christ...who the fuck would actually rent that? It looks like "Porky's" with feces. At least now I can start referring to myself as "Dana Westa" the world's greatest, Polish comedy director.

Against The Dark : The Seagal Versus The Vampires

"Against The Dark"...this indeed promises to be one of the greatest films ever made by mankind. First of all it stars the greatest action hero of our ,or of any, generation, Steven Seagal...and second, IT HAS GODDAMN VAMPIRES IN IT!!!! Yes that's right 1.) Steven Seagal 2.) Mother Fucking Vampires!. Let's do the math : Steven Seagal + Vampires = Greatest movie ever made. I am anxiously awaiting this DVD from Netflix...release date : February 10th..."S vs V Day!"

Doesn't this just sound like a recipe for a beautiful disaster? It sure as Hell does to me, and I want to be right in the center of that bridge when it explodes and collapses in a fiery plunge into the depths of bad cinema...or as I like to call it : good cinema. I'm going down with that ship, Jackson! You can bet your ass on that! They could steal the tag line from Alien Vs. Predator for this one : "Whoever wins...WE lose"....except me of course...this situation is a "win, win" in my book. I already wish I had been in the director's chair for this one. Can you imagine? "Alright Steven, the vampire will charge at you...you shove the wooden stake into his chest until it your arm pokes out of his back, then pick him up and snap his spine in half over your knee, then you rip the top of his skull off and squash it with your foot and toss the remains down the mine shaft".

Man, I hope this flick is a bloodbath. This is truly the stuff of which dreams are made! Even better, it's old, puffy-faced Seagal versus Vampires...like the Seagal version of "Abbott and Costello Meet The Mummy". I truly hope this spawns and Abbott and Costello-like series pitting Seagal against any number of monsters. The Seagal versus The Werewolves...Seagal versus Chucky...Steven Seagal Meets Frankenstein...the possibilities are endless.

Flock of Seagals

Okay..so, much like the killer dolly, Chucky of the "Child's Play" and well... "Chucky" horror movie franchise, I love Steven Seagal. This may speak volumes about my personal movie taste, but someone should clone the man and freeze him in a cryogenic chamber so that future generations will never suffer the folly of a world deprived of new Steven Seagal films. "Out For Justice" is one of my favorite movies of all time...not because it is a great cinematic achievement, but because it is the exact opposite...a Three Stooges-like spoof of the Dirty Harry series as realized by "Godfather Of Gore" Herschell Gordon Lewis.

Steven Seagal brings me great joy for all of the wrong reasons. To quote a description I recently came upon in my Dictionary of Slang and Euphemism, the man "simultaneously repulses and fascinates" me. In the land of the two-eyed schlock fan (i.e. me), Seagal is king. Recently I have been dipping my toe into the most recent cesspool of Mr. Seagal's work...the action-packed adventures of the puffy-faced, bloated, bitter, older...and none-the-wiser master of splitting peoples' skulls open and impaling them on any sharp object available. Only last week my Morticia suggested I take a gander at "Belly Of The Beast"..a more recent Seagal monstrosity in which my personal hero flies through the air in slow motion for five minute intervals firing up to five million rounds of bullets at a time before hitting the ground, or in some cases landing on things such as a railroad handcart (which rolls for five more minutes in slow motion allowing the Seagal to unload two million more rounds of bullets into his oncoming enemies) like some over-the-hill cross breeding of Peter Pan and...well, Steven Seagal. In this magical adventure Mr. Seagal not only beats the living shit out of numerous Kung Fu experts half his age (who fly through the air on wires whenever he kicks them) but also hooks up with a twenty-something Thai (ex)prostitute...who...I guess..becomes his girlfriend(?!). It's all very hilarious and deeply disturbing and just plain wrong...which, of course, makes it just plain "right" in my book.

This baby runs neck and neck against another recent "Seagal"..(drum roll).."Urban Justice", in which the puffy-faced superman wages war on an urban neighborhood ravaged by drug-pedaling gang bangers twenty, if not thirty years his junior and beats the living fuck out of everyone in sight. Yes siree, the Paul Bunyan-like geriatric action hero gives no quarter in this epic as he spouts his lines in what could only be described as an impression of Dolemite meets Richard Pryor as performed by James Gandolfini. "Who kilt my son, mutha fuckah?" Who "kilt" him indeed! You go giganticus! Beat the living shit out of everyone on Earth, Seagal! I cannot get enough! The more violent and absurd the man gets, the more I love him. Seagal is my GOD! I only wish I could write a screenplay for Steven Seagal. You may think I am being sarcastic, but I can assure you that is not the case. In fact, I should be his on-call scenarist and script consultant...I would do him justice..."Urban"...or "Out For"...I would do the Seagal right. Call me what you will..but I am a Seagal junkie. Oddly enough a momentous achievement in my life would be writing a screenplay for a Steven Seagal movie...perhaps Morticia and I can collaborate on a storyline and pitch...she likes the Seagal for all the wrong reasons that I do...together we may craft the ultimate Steven Seagal masterpiece. Dare to dream....

Dan = Stan

I had another damn dream last night that I was a Stan Laurel impersonator. This has happened twice in the past month. Maybe I should just get a job at Universal Studios as one of those weirdos that walks around the lot acting like a dead film stars. Then if I kept having this dream it would makes some sense, because if my brain is trying to tell my subconscious anything with this recurring image I have no idea what it could be. Do I have a Stan Laurel complex? What the Hell would that be?

I Lost My Sex Juice!

Okay, so I couldn't resist...I even lost a good one about a man creating "Sex Juice" out of malt liquor and shampoo who rode around in a limousine made out of a refrigerator box and stolen tricycles... his true love Becky turned out not only to be a man but an amateur feather weight boxer to boot. It was a work of pure genius and now it is gone with the wind. Anyway, no use crying over spilled Sex Juice...who knew I could even keep thinking stupid shit up to annoy people with for my own amusement?...More Craig's List personal posts.

Frail, Geriatric Doll Maker Creates Hot Young Sex Toy - 96 (downtown / civic / van ness)
Reply to: mailto:pers-1013152222@craigslist.org?subject=Frail,%20Geriatric%20Doll%20Maker%20Creates%20Hot%20Young%20Sex%20Toy%20-%2096%20(downtown%20/%20civic%20/%20van%20ness) [?]Date: 2009-01-29, 3:52PM PST

Must you slather so much mayonnaise on the dog? Always with a hand full of mayonnaise...at least I hope to God that's mayonnaise! Good Gravy! Little Jimmy's gone and swallowed Uncle Rolo's dentures again...this time I hope the little bastard chokes on 'em...him and that stupid Jimmy Carter impression. Who the Hell does a Jimmy Carter impression these days? It isn't even politically topical...especially for a little boy. I tell you there is something seriously askew with that child...like the doctors took out his brain and kicked it around the room a few times before they stuck it back in his thick, misshapen skull. Are these raisins in this carrot cake or cockroaches? Not that it matters...it tastes like shit anyway. Hand me granny's mustache wax Rothchild, I have to give her that jaunty roaring twenties look she likes so much.

Man In Rubber Cantinflas Mask Claims To Be Inspector Boobs Of Sex Squad - 37 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-1012987139@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20In%20Rubber%20Cantiflas%20Mask%20Claims%20To%20Be%20Inspector%20Boobs%20Of%20Sex%20Squad%20-%2037%20(potrero%20hill) [?]Date: 2009-01-29, 1:52PM PST

Who wants to eat a putrefied corpse infested with maggots? It isn't sanitary and just because Grandma does it doesn't mean that you have to be such a lemming...show a little backbone....pull one out of the cat and wave it around. I've created a new sandwich spread using paste, apricot schnapps and corn oil..I call it "What the hell is this shit?"...it doesn't taste very good but it's my own creation...I was attempting to play God...but I couldn't find the big bushy, white beard and wings....so instead I created a sandwich spread instead of two little naked people to have sex with each other and begin the race of human kind. Did you ever try to swallow an entire jar of raw sour kraut in one gulp? That shit is hard! You wouldn't think so looking at Grandma. That old bitch is a bottomless pit.

Danish Butter Manufacturer In Silk Thong Can't Believe It's Not Butter - 38 (haight ashbury)
Reply to: mailto:pers-1012923546@craigslist.org?subject=Danish%20Butter%20Manufacturer%20In%20Silk%20Thong%20Can [?]Date: 2009-01-29, 1:10PM PST

Hans Delbrook is stunned, as he stands amongst the assorted baked buns, that he has been duped by a non-dairy product that tastes exactly like butter. The butter that he would so lovingly rub about your buttocks with his rubber glove-clad hands. Hans is very sexy in his silky thong under pants...they show off his muscular buttocks and Shemp Howard tattoo. Hans wears a hat that he made out of cardboard...a funny red top hat with plastic eyeballs glued across its surface. Sometimes Hans wears a purple Afro wig and makes a high pitched squealing sound...a bit like a siren...but much worse. Hans would not only cover your buttocks with butter, but would also be willing to offer you a delicious T.V. dinner following your erotic butter massage. Perhaps even a tall glass of Tang or Ovaltine. Come...let Hans give you buttery pleasure. If you are lucky he will kiss you on the lips...with his lips, which are covered with melted chocolate.

Wild Sex Demon In Homemade Iron Man Costume Is Lookin' For Some Sex! - 37 (castro / upper market)Reply to: mailto:pers-1012961912@craigslist.org?subject=Wild%20Sex%20Demon%20In%20Homemade%20Iron%20Man%20Costume%20Is%20Lookin [?]Date: 2009-01-29, 1:35PM PST

Ricky Dynamite is a sexual locomotive! Ricky loves to get down with the ladies between his Star Wars bedsheets! Don't worry...they're clean...Ricky's mom changed them after his last wild tryst with that really hot chick that he was doing all of that sexual stuff too! You can call Ricky, "Mr. Dynamite"...or since Ricky is wearing his new homemade Iron Man costume, you can call him "Iron Man"! Ricky can eat and entire bag of Halloween candy in one sitting! Candy makes Ricky STRONG! Then Ricky runs around, hopped up on sugar until he eventually throws up. That's why the carpet in Ricky's bedroom is so sticky! Ricky can't wait to get you into his bedroom and do sexual things to you with his action figures!