Honey-Roasted Fetus Kabobs

Dan West: It's another exciting day here at the Dan West Hates You And None Of You Will Be Happy Blog. I don't have many special guests here on the blog, but today I'm less than thrilled to bring back one of my least popular and least favorite: The Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask. Hello, Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask...it's nice to have you back.

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: Glad to be back, Don.

Dan West: It's Dan.

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: What is?

Dan West: My name...it's Dan. I smell alcohol...vodka if I'm not mistaken...I see you didn't disappoint by showing up sober.

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: Wouldn't dream of it, Dane.

Dan West: It's Dan...nevermind...What would you dream of, Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask?

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: Round, brown ghetto booty.

Dan West: Interesting. Well since I don't really have any questions for you, I figured we would simply engage in a bit of free association.

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: What...like Jerry's Kids?

Dan West: No, I will say a word or series of words and you simply say the first thing that comes into your mind.

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: Sounds fun.

Dan West: Are you ready?

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: Fire away!

Dan West: Peppermint.

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: The objectification of Ethel Merman's cleavage as a masturbatory aid!

Dan West: Gonorrhea.

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: Playa hatin' with Rabbi Schlomo Feldstein

Dan West: Lobster bib.

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: The Hardy Boys and the Case of the Blood-Stained Gloryhole.

Dan West: R&B singing sensation, Peabo Bryson.

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: The Hardy Boys and the Case of the Cock-Sucking Jiffy Lube Employee.

Dan West: Iceberg Lettuce.

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: Catholics simply crave the new nougat-filled Eucharist.

Dan West: Onion.

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: The Hardy Boys and the Case of the Shit-Covered Dildo!

Dan West: You really seem to have the Hardy Boys on your mind today.

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: The Hardy Boys and the Case of the Diarrhea-Splattered Restroom!

Dan West: Boner.

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: Brushing your teeth with Ben Gay pain-relieving ointment.

Dan West: Juicy Couture.

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: The children like the chewy rat carcass.

Dan West: The A Team.

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: Please don't ignite Granny's anal dynamite.

Dan West: Flypaper.

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: Mixin' sexual elixirs in my pharmacy of love.

Dan West: Slap-Happy Pappy.

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: The condemnation of the buttock tickler.

Dan West: Butterscotch lovin'.

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: Tito's taco truck tummy tremors.

Dan West: Well, Weird Man in a Mr. Spock mask...we have thankfully run out of time. It was truly a pleasure having you here today for this session of free association. Thank you so much for stopping by.

Weird Man in a Mr. Spock Mask: Oh, none taken, Dane.

Fistin' The Night Away

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A Whole Mess O' Jive

Bobby "Blowhard" Chesterfield was certainly a man deserving of his nickname. Bobby blew a mean alto sax and he'd just flipped our collective lids with a non-stop 24 hour-long solo.

Joe "Chubby Digits" Brewster, our bass player, laid it out in four simple words, "Man, this cat's dynamite!" The observation proved nothing short of prophetic, for not only was Bobby dressed in a ridiculous home-made cat costume, but only seconds after Joe had succinctly articulated our delight at his playing, Bobby suddenly exploded into several pieces, showering the bandstand with blood and gore.

Blood rained down on the skins of my Slingerland drum kit as, what I believe was a section of Bobby's lower intestine, smacked, sticky and wet across the top of my head. Moe Brown jumped back startled as Bobby's left foot landed on the keys of his upright piano, pounding out a sloppy lower key blast. Slim Skinny, our guitar player, ducked, barely avoiding Bobby's rib cage as it splattered across the back wall of the bandstand.

Man, what a blast that session was, Jack!

Shit That Would Be Fucking Awesome!!

1.)Robert Goulet singing songs from "The Wizard of Oz" and interjecting inappropriate cuss words!

2.) Dr. Joseph Mengele being torn apart by Holocaust survivors!

3.) Klaus Kinski and Chucky the killer doll from the Child's Play movies battling each other with light sabres!

4.) Mae West's ghost fucking a mummy that's wearing a Colonel Sanders mask!

5.) The dancing fat kid from that viral You Tube video riding a giant Piranha while dressed as Oliver Hardy!

6.) Harmony Korine winning a Best Picture Oscar for his new movie "Trash Humpers"!

7.) George W. Bush getting shit-faced drunk on Country Club Malt Liquor and throwing gang signs while wearing a gold bling grill on his teeth!

8.) Keith Richards killing a werewolf!

9.) Weird Al Yankovic performing "Eat It" for the Pope at the Vatican!

10.) A munchkin being eaten by a giant black widow spider!

Great Forgotten B-Sides To Hit Singles Of The Past

1.) "Stanky Hoe" by Rick James

2.) "He-Man Pajama Party" by Red Sovine

3.) "Gin n' Tonic in My Colonic" by Dean Martin

4.) "The Ballad of Obadiah Von Vander Sloot" by Box Car Willie

5.) "Peppermint Expectorant Mucous" by Al Hirt

6.) "Stabbin' My Baby in the Balls" by Patsy Cline

7.) "Cat Stranglin' the Night Away" by Frank Sinatra

8.) "Underwear Freezer Burn" by Kiss

9.) "I Get Sick On You" by Neil Sedaka

10.) "Kiss My Polish Ass! Oh Yah! Oh Yah! Oh Yah!" by Bobby Vinton

Special Peacock Meat Hamburger Helper For Chongo

Dear diary,

I awoke this morning after my stint in the deprivation chamber to find everyone in my neighborhood now sporting shiny plastic bowler hats, the type that you only find at Walgreen's during the Halloween season. Now afraid to go outside as they will all know that I am not one of "them". Got odd stares through my living room window during routine observation period...heard one elderly neighbor mumble, "Arbitrary...unsatisfactory...disproportionate" as she pointed at my un-hatted visage in the window. Perhaps it is now truly time to arm myself to the teeth. God help us all.

My Current Shit List

1.) Mrs. Butterworth (Whore!)

2.) The entire production team behind the movie "Bring It On : In It To Win It" (Eat a big bag of shit you Hollywood dickwads!)

3.) Anyone named Milton (Fuckers!)

4.) That guy at the funeral home with the sticky hands (Freak!)

5.) Dick Van Patten (Your comedy chops were not up to snuff in the film, "Spaceballs"!)

6.) Mervin T. Bonkers, III (Not a real taxidermist! The aardvark looks like shit!)

7.) Polish singing sensation, Bobby Vinton (nice panties, FUCKFACE!)