Against The Clown That Cried In The Dark

Last night, as Morticia and I enjoyed dining out at a surprisingly delicious vegan restaurant (you know vegans...they're those things on Star Trek...or maybe they were from Lost In Space...anyway), the topic of discussion turned to the inevitable subject of "Against The Dark". The new Steven Seagal versus vampires movie that Netflix has been depriving me of despite its place at the top of my queue (due to the foreboding "very long wait" availability status). It was decided that since this is without a doubt the greatest film ever made that I should simply purchase the goddamn DVD from Amazon rather than denying myself the joys of a world in which Steven Seagal co-exists with vampires and beats the living shit out of them before killing them. No matter how much this movie is going to suck (no pun intended...vampires...sucking...well, maybe...yes..scratch that...pun intended) it is still going to FUCKING RULE THE ROOST OF SWEET BADASS SHIT! And for this reason, Mortician and I decided that The Seagal and his vampire foes should be immortalized in one of my hideous, fake, Mexican pulp novel cover art -style paintings. Soon I shall put brush to canvas, capturing all of the majesty that is Steven Seagal fighting a bunch of vampires. It will be my greatest work to date, and that's not saying much. It shall be framed in gold and put on display above a makeshift altar, upon which incense will burn at all hours. Never have I been so inspired as a painter...except when I did that portrait of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Family...and when I scribbled that childish doddle of my poster concept for "The Day The Clown Cried" starring Jerry Lewis as the hilarious (just an assumption) clown, Helmut Doork who is sent to a Nazi concentration camp and subsequently ends up leading children to the gas chamber...but of course...I haven't painted that one yet...it's now only a beautiful vision...Jerry Lewis...as a clown...in a Nazi concentration camp...leading children to the gas chamber....and I didn't even make that plot up so don't fucking blame me or think I'm being weird. (Check IMDB if you think I'm crazy. Talk about the holy grail of absolute cinematic shit. But if you want to ever see that one you'd better call Batman, James Bond or Indiana Jones, because that shitfest is never going to see the light of day)

If only they could locate the footage of the as-yet-never-to be-released Lewis film and simply edit it together with "Against The Dark"...then mankind would have the greatest of all motion pictures: "Against The Clown That Cried In The Dark" Starring Jerry Lewis and Steven Seagal. Dare to dream.