For Morticia

The most romantic, sentimental piece I have ever written in my lifetime involves two, venemous spiders : (Lactrotectous Mactanas or Lactrodectus Hesperus), commonly known as "The Black Widow Spider" and Loxosceles Ruclusa..a well-known member of the family Sicariidae (formerly placed in the family Loxoscelidae). ...more commonly referred to as "The Brown Recluse". I include this rather sappy poem as a testament to that fact that, when I am one day laid out on the cold slab of an autopsy room with my skull cap sawed off, with my intestines pulled out and the medical examiner staring in awe at the syrupy, sticky-sweet, black blobs of goo that pulse from my viens onto the tiled floor of the autopsy room, that eventually morph into deadly, giant scorpions, .....that I, Dan West, did once experience the human emotion known as "Love". This is for The Babby. My Morticia :

The Brown Recluse and The Black Widow Spider.

No matter their difference he hung right beside her.

Twas not in their nature to be happy together

And yet somehow these spiders seemed birds of a feather.

She, so born to be alone, and he, who's heart was made of stone, were so drawn as blood to bone,

but neither could possess or own.

Their love was odd, but it was true, so what could either spider do, but love each other for love's own sake, for nary a spider's heart to break.

Ever cautious, evermore, be damned the raven's, "Nevermore".

For the Brown Recluse did love the Widow, and caressed her legs in innuendo.

He forged a bow of silk and tack, he drew it taut, there was no slack,

then drew the bow across his back to serenade his Widow Black.

For just above his abdomen were markings of a violin.

And so his tune, so sweetly played, did woo her with its serenade.

And for the music so tender wrought, his Widow wrapped some flies she'd caught.

And so to her flaxen love she passed a bundle spun and tied with sash.

The bow was as crimson as blood from a gash,

and dyed to match her hourglass.

The Erotic Adventures of Charlie Chan

More self-amusement from Craig's List. It just never gets old.

If You Sexy, Me like! Me Squeeze Sex Parts! Call You Dicky Chaofang! - 39 (noe valley)
Reply to: mailto:pers-808034575@craigslist.org: 2008-08-22, 10:28AM PDT

Then the potato was placed among the children, who treated it as a human being...adorning it with eyes, feet, hands, lips, a top hat, a nose...even a nice pipe...they named the potato : "Mr. Potato Head"....which was puzzling as he should have been the more aptly titled : "Mr. Potato Whole Body Besides His Plastic Feet and Hands"

This did not prevent Hansel and Gretel from gnawing at the shingles of the candy cottage...Jesus! Like pigs they were! Fat,little, German fuckers.

Is it hot and squishy in here or is this just Craig's list personal ads? Here...inhale this helium...it will give you a high-pitched voice while I spank you. Do you like my facial tattoo? Yeahhhh I know...maybe a tribute to the films of Jerry Lewis was not the best choice for facial ink...but who doesn't love "The Errand Boy" or "Cinderfella"?

Do you always stuff your mouth with lemons on a first date? I'm sorry I have so many rubber spiders in my underpants...but damn...that wiggly, jiggly action make me feel so "saucy"! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I like the noise you make when I place my hands on your breasts...who knew you were such a big fan of Popeye? Is that cold spaghetti in your underwear or do you have a strange disease I should be aware of?


Creepy Man In Lab Coat Says He Wants To Be Your Gynecologist - 40 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-808084464@craigslist.org: 2008-08-22, 10:58AM PDT

And on the third day...or the fourth day....after God created clown greasepaint make-up, sexual intercourse, fried chicken, rubber vampire teeth and katsup...he said "Damn I'm good"...then fell asleep...

That was when the elves came...and when God awoke the next day he was surrounded by several pairs of shoes...."What the hell?" he thought to himself..."I didn't create all of these shoes....unless I was sleep walking again...that would explain the purple dragon that shits hot dogs and the parrot who talks like Jack Palance and has postage stamps where it's eyes should be...but these shoes...I'm not so sure"

On the fifth day God created Bela Lugosi, a small, red cowboy hat and two ding dongs...he wasn't feeling very adventurous on the fifth day as he was hung over after creating Mad Dog 20/20 and astronauts.

On the sixth Day he had a nice milkshake after creating chocolate syrup...then he pondered the shoes the elves had made. "Goddamn....I still can't figure out where the hell those shoes came from...the last ones I remember creating were made of wood...and that was just a joke on those Dutch people I created...and they actually fell for it...dummies"

Man With Teeth Made Of Legos and Gold Spray Paint Loves Ladies - 39 (SOMA / south beach)
Reply to: mailto:pers-808314992@craigslist.org: 2008-08-22, 1:16PM PDT

The sweltering heat forced Jocko to regret his choice of the Santa Claus costume...although he still believed the gold genie shoes to be an inspired touch. At least everyone in church took notice of him today.

Such a nice day for a funeral. In hindsight, Jocko thought writing "Battery operated dickweed" on his forehead was just a tad overboard, but the rubber bat earrings were friggin' awesome....Jocko resisted the urge to "high five" himself when thinking of the rubber bats. They went so well with the plastic vampire fangs.

Seeing as it was a funeral, Jocko loaded his Santa Claus coat pockets with diced onions to assure that he would produce the appropriate tears. "I smell oniony" he whispered over and over under his breath. The other mourners had given Jocko a very wide berth in which to pay his respects. That afforded him the chance to perform rim shots on the snare drum he'd brought whenever the priest said something funny

Man With Crabs Seeks His Mermaid - 38 (mission district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-808348133@craigslist.org: 2008-08-22, 1:38PM PDT

Wellllll HOOOOOOOOOWWWWWDDDDYYYYY! Jimmy Crackcorn doesn't really care...the selfish little bastard! I says to him...I says..."Hey, Jimmy Crackcorn...the goddamn barn's on fire!...you know what that self-center little shit says? ...He says "I don't care"...and I says..."You better start carin', Buster Brown" or there's gonna be Hell to pay...This little jerkoff says "I don't care"....

Then we all sing the chorus : "Hello...my name is Corky! I am from Outer Space and have Christmas tree bulbs for testicles"

Enter Man dressed like Abe Lincoln...but instead of pants he wears a leopard skin print thong stuffed with pickles. Abe does a very funny dance..

Then we bring out the intoxicated leprechauns and the drag queen dressed as Joan Crawford.The drag queen beats the leprechauns with a wire hanger until they begin to scream..

then we all go trick or treating. When we get home we punch Grandma in the face and all cram into the same dirty sleeping bag for hot sex

Man Who Keeps Sticky Barbie Dolls Under Bed Seeks Hot Girlfriend - 39 (haight ashbury)
Reply to: mailto:pers-808518258@craigslist.org: 2008-08-22, 3:34PM PDT

Lucifer Bourbongranny wanted it all : Love, sex, bling, a phat ride, hoes, bitches, oatmeal raisin cookies, air sick bags, an aardvark, a picturesque view of the city dump, a suitcase filled with random severed body parts, a red light bulb, an onion with a funny face drawn on it, a wax figure of Bob Denver as Gilligan from the television show "Gilligan's Island", a bag of marbles, cheap condoms, a jar of fish eyeballs, a two-headed monkey, a cyclops, a monocle shop, his own brand of spaghetti sauce, some pantie hose fashioned into a mask, a cigar box filled with a midget's pubic hair, a milk carton filled with old motor oil,his own clown.

He was a man of high standards and low morals...a man who's ups and downs were as sideways as his ins and outs...and yes I mean that in a sexual way...all covered in rich, dark chocolate and covered with whip cream...but instead of a cherry...it was all topped with a red clown nose he borrowed from his own private clown (Captain Po Po Fish Bitches).

He dreamed of one day running his own hot dog stand...but instead of hot dogs he would sell human fingers on sticks dipped in "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" Someday the world would be Lucifer's Oyster...and he wants YOU to be his hoe, baby!

Grown Man Dressed As Harry Potter Thinks He's Cute But Seems Retarded - 41 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-808580114@craigslist.org: 2008-08-22, 4:21PM PDT

Bobo toiled away, night and day...sun up to sundown..plowing and tilling his onion field...but without luck...instead he yielded only a vast harvest of potatoes...which all slightly resembled the face of Jack Klugman. His recently purchased Captain Crunch costume was now caked with dirt from the onion field (that kept yielding only potatoes).

Once, Bobo actually found a human head growing out of the ground.Oddly enough this one didn't look like Jack Klugman...it just looked like some other guy's head...and maybe in hadn't so much grown out of the ground as it had maybe been deposited there by the person who may have removed it with what may have been a hatchet.

Bobo's bottom itched from the hairbrush he kept there and his false teeth were sticky with Elmer's glue...next time he would go to an actual dentist rather than attempting to make his own. Life sucked ass but Bobo was just too goddamn stupid to realize it. What an idiot.

Expired Postage

I have a rotten habit of amusing myself by posting ridiculous and idiotic crap in the personals section of Craig's List. This NEVER fails to give me a cheap laugh. I never thought to copy the actual text of this stupid shit, but I did save several of the post titles that appeared in "Men Seeking Women" over the years. Here are a few :

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Man with Christ Complex seeks Woman Who Thinks She's Hitler

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Popeye Look-Alike Seeks Woman in Werewolf Costume for LTR

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Uncle Sam Impersonator seeks Woman Dressed as Minotaur for LTR

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Sweet, Sensitive Irishman seeks Woman with Beard and Magic Turban

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Sweet, lonely SF guy seeks Inflatable Woman made of Rubber for LTR

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Creepy, Baby-like Man child seeks Woman in a Crow Costume for LTR

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) ROBOTIC ,UPTIGHT A-HOLE SEEKS BOOBY LADY WITH FISH FACE

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) A Reason to Love Bobby

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Shiftless Dullard seeks Super Foxy Chick!!! Partay!

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Mr. Creamy Seeks Woman Made of Plastic and ice cubes

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Darth Vader seeks Don Knotts for LTR

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Man in Hot Dog Costume seeks Woman in Hot Dog costume for LTR

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) I hold boobs for you

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Hey Ladies! Manny's back!

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Ape-like Creature seek dead fish with onion brain
POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Super Hot Male Sexual Dynamo seeks Foxy Lady Made of Wax

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Super Hot Latino Is Too Good Looking And Must Be Shared

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Man With The Head Of A Salamander Seeks Naked Lady Covered in Earwigs

This Week's Magical Craig's List Personal Ads

For anyone who gives a rat's ass about my rotten habit/rotten hobby/rotten way of providing myself with cheap laughs...here you go :

Weird Man With Pantie Hose Mask On Head Seeks Hot Girlfriend - 39 (castro / upper market)

Reply to: mailto:pers-795662025@craigslist.org Date: 2008-08-13, 5:02PM PDT

Come let us play with these hand puppets. They shouldn't be that sticky as I've had them sterilized. You sit in the play pen and I'll pour chili on you while you you make a weird high-pitched noise with the plastic nose flute. Then we'll each drink a gallon of bourbon and see who can eat the most hot dogs in the shortest period of time. Who doesn't enjoy a nice egg salad? (Cue U.F.O. landing sound effect) then we pretend we are speaking Mandarin...but it's really just gibberish...

Nude Man In Turban Pretends He is Sexual Genie - 38 (potrero hill)

Reply to: mailto:pers-795799056@craigslist.org Date: 2008-08-13, 6:54PM PDT

Let us make love in a bathtub full of mustard...or your condiment of choice...perhaps you prefer tartar sauce..or A-1 steak sauce...doesn't matter...but my personal preference leans toward mustard....just so we have that clear. Be nice to me and I will let you wear the snowman costume. we will eat zingers under the stars and make love with marionettes...(that's "WITH" and not "TO"). You can be the hot cheerleader and I will be the man on the Brawny paper towel label. I will apply expired postage stamps to your nipples and baste you with lemon juice and onions. You can change your name to Gerald Candycorn and I will be Lord Willie Danceabout. And don't forget the wax lips

Horrible, Smelly Mutant With Misshapen Head Seek Lady For Mating - 40 (potrero hill)

Reply to: mailto:pers-795594956@craigslist.org Date: 2008-08-13, 4:12PM PDT

Papa Jupiter seek lady with boobs and child hip for mating in desert cave. Give you many animal bone necklace and human ear necklace...wrap you in coyote hide furs for keeping warm in freezing night. Cook you human baby...fat and juicy I stole from trailer. Be my woman! Be my woman for mating! We make many mutant cannibal children...roam desert raiding innocent victims...eat much human flesh and steal shiny object for trading! Also sensitive and caring for mating woman...love art and music and long walks in burning desert sand...protect you from radiation...Be my woman now!

Man With Sausage Down Pants Tries To Impress The Ladies - 39 (noe valley)

Reply to: mailto:pers-795632101@craigslist.org Date: 2008-08-13, 4:39PM PDT

Harold wanted nothing more than to impress the hot, lusty ladies with his new groin appendage enhancement device. It was indeed impressive if not slightly frightening. Harold had made sure he received maximum exposure but buying pants that were two sizes too small for him. Accompanying the sausage were two lemons placed on either side of the beef-based enhancement device. Harold made a point to force his groin outward so that it protruded obscenely before his person. When a sexy lady passed by him at the roller disco, Harold would point to his groin and nod slightly to the passing woman of his fancy. This would be accompanied by the sound of a bicycle horn that Harold wore on the belt of his absurdly tight slacks. Once this ritual was performed, Harold would signal his friend Bo Bo the Clown to begin circling the woman on his unicycle while juggling bowling pins painted to resemble nude women. Next Harold would offer the woman a carton of melting ice cream and a tin of shoe polish so that she might apply a Groucho Marx moustache. Then he would smash a cheeseburger between his buttocks and growl like a werewolf. Then came the hand puppets...but that's another story for another day.

You : Glasses, Nice Cleavage,Tattoos,Nerdy Girl, Me: Chewbacca Costume - 39 (nob hill)

Reply to: mailto:pers-795895932@craigslist.org Date: 2008-08-13, 8:19PM PDT

Man it's hot in this fucker...I hope someone responds to this posting soon or I may pass out....God! it's hot in this fucking thing....when I bought this on eBay I thought it would really pull the foxy chicks....but now it just smells like urine and B.O.,.....I suppose I should stop wearing it to work...or at least have it dry cleaned...Hard to breathe...so hairy...can barely make wacky Chewbacca growling sound...sweat pouring into eyes...can barely type sensual, Chewbacca-related posting to attract all of the hot, nerdy girls...so sweaty..like a fucking furnace....even that stupid hot dog costume I used to have to wear was better than this...Goddamn....this sucks....so hot...so stifling..... Do you like onions? I do...well...I like the word "onion"...it's fun to say that word..."onion"...but all of this sweat....and the urine stench...I should have washed this costume after I purchased it on ebay....eeeeebbbbayyyy...help me...help me be cool to the nerdy cleavage girls.....tell them I am only a fake Chewbacca......Chew-Bacc-ca...even the name sounds funny...I'm melting...in my Chewbacca costume....

Going To The John

Me like John Waters. John Waters=Good...The man is a dyed-in-the-wool, obsessive eccentric. He is a man who has no absolutely no qualms about trumpeting his quirky fascinations through a metaphorical megaphone. He is a fascinating lunatic. He is a man I admire. He is a man after my own weird heart. I am a man of many obsessions, and so I do take great delight when these obsessions cross paths...when my heroes join forces to form a kind of truly twisted gestalt...and John Waters, above all else has delighted me to no end in this fashion.

He has become a cross-reference among so many of my obsessions and heroes that it has become difficult to keep track of just how many of my favorite humans that Mr. Waters has collaborated with. Not only has he appeared as a character on The Simpsons, but has also suffered a hideous death at the hands of Chucky the killer doll as sleazy tabloid reporter "Pete Peters" in "Bride of Chucky". He portrayed Sean Penn's slightly sleazy, musical benefactor, Mr. Haynes, in Woody Allen's "Sweet and Lowdown", employed one of my all-time favorite bands, L7 , as the band "Camel Lips" in "Serial Mom", and also appeared as a perverted priest in Herschell Gordon Lewis' and David F. Friedman's exploitation swansong, "Blood Feast 2: All You Can Eat". ...now that is a goddamn filmography to be reckoned with in my book. Something more akin to P.T. Barnum than Steven Spielberg on the Internet Movie Database. And that is only the tip of the nutty John Waters iceberg....for I am only naming the films in which one of my favorite lunatics has crossed paths with some of my other favorite loonies . When an obsession meets another obsession, something magical can happen. John Waters, Chucky, Herschell Gordon Lewis, David F. Friedman, L-7, Woody Allen, The Simpsons....tis' the stuff of magic

Wee Wee, Monsieur!

You know, I have heard people use the phrase "I laughed so hard, I almost peed my pants!" time and time again. Now I must say, as a person who loves to laugh...well I find this hard to believe in most circumstances. You see...I once actually did laugh so hard that I pissed myself...ONCE....I was approximately eight or nine years old...I was at a stranger's house...an acquaintance of my mother's who may have sold either Tupperware or Avon products...it was so long ago I cannot recall the reason for this visit or really even who the woman was, but I do remember she had a son...and I was sent to play with this kid in his room while the adults did whatever they were doing, negotiating a big Tupperware deal or applying cheap lipstick...who knows?

For some odd reason this kid had a plastic Colonel Sanders Halloween mask...why on Earth he would have a mask depicting the face of the founder of the Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise I have no idea...I have asked myself since then if I was either embellishing this or hallucinating...did they really make a Colonel Sanders Halloween costume back in the seventies?

I have found no proof of the existence of such a costume on the Internet...but this is what I remember...I remember some weird, little fucker in a plastic Colonel Sanders mask...and I can still see it in my head..and it will probably come back to haunt me during a funeral service or symphony performance...some time when laughter is the most inappropriate thing on your mental menu.

So standing before me is an eight year old child I have just met who is now wearing a Colonel Sanders mask and, suddenly, without warning or for any particular reason, this kid simply flipped his goddamn lid...he went nuts...spinning around and screaming and running into walls. It was like the scene in "Alien" when Ash ( Ian Holm) is discovered to be a robot and completely malfunctions...all this kid needed was a mouthful of milk to spit in all directions and it would have been a near exact recreation of that scene. It was the most insane and unexpected display of behavior I had ever scene...it was literally psychotic...it was also one of the most fucking hilarious things I have EVER seen a person do in my lifetime...and to this day it still makes me laugh. What a weird thing to do. I laughed so hard I couldn't stop..and the more I laughed, the more spastic this miniature fried chicken mogul became...until my bladder simply could not withstand the hilarity. I do believe that moment in my life, oddly enough, had one of the greatest impacts on my character as a human being. It was like a soon-to-be-full blown junkie getting their very first shot of heroin. It had a power that was all-consuming. I had laughed so hard it became literally euphoric.

Certain moments in a person's life forge one's character, be it the tragedy of a loved one's passing, your first kiss, witnessing an axe murder or losing your virginity. For whatever reason these moments leave an indelible mark on one's personality that can never be undone...for me one of those moments happened to involve a psychotic eight year old kid in a Colonel Sanders mask.

How do you say "Yo, Pookie!" in Yiddish?

Some things are just bad ideas. Like changing your name to "Gilligan McFuckhole", drinking lighter fluid or using your own feces as Pomade. Using dirt to make chocolate milk might also be added to that list, as well as trying to have anal intercourse with a ventriloquist dummy and putting a live scorpion in your mouth.

There are all sorts of unpleasant and idiotic things that one might do in a flight of retarded fancy. You might like to don a werewolf mask and frighten elderly people in a public park...or pull your teeth out with pliers and then replace them with candy corn....both are truly rotten ideas. Speaking of truly rotten, you might want to stop eating those Easter eggs you found in the backyard...when was the last time you actually remember hiding Easter eggs? Using Comet cleanser as a replacement for powdered sugar wasn't such a hot one...nor was making blueberry muffins with black widow spiders instead of blueberries.

You might want to consider leaving the Uncle Sam top hat at home before the next job interview...as well as the sparklers and Mr. Spock mask. All food for thought.

PCP does not make The Chinese New Year parade more fun...it makes it downright scary.

In short...look before you leap, people. I don't want to have to bring up these subjects again, as I figured most of them would have been fairly obvious.

yours truly,

Gilligan McFuckhole