More self-amusement from Craig's List. It just never gets old.
If You Sexy, Me like! Me Squeeze Sex Parts! Call You Dicky Chaofang! - 39 (noe valley)
Reply to: mailto:pers-808034575@craigslist.org: 2008-08-22, 10:28AM PDT
Then the potato was placed among the children, who treated it as a human being...adorning it with eyes, feet, hands, lips, a top hat, a nose...even a nice pipe...they named the potato : "Mr. Potato Head"....which was puzzling as he should have been the more aptly titled : "Mr. Potato Whole Body Besides His Plastic Feet and Hands"
This did not prevent Hansel and Gretel from gnawing at the shingles of the candy cottage...Jesus! Like pigs they were! Fat,little, German fuckers.
Is it hot and squishy in here or is this just Craig's list personal ads? Here...inhale this helium...it will give you a high-pitched voice while I spank you. Do you like my facial tattoo? Yeahhhh I know...maybe a tribute to the films of Jerry Lewis was not the best choice for facial ink...but who doesn't love "The Errand Boy" or "Cinderfella"?
Do you always stuff your mouth with lemons on a first date? I'm sorry I have so many rubber spiders in my underpants...but damn...that wiggly, jiggly action make me feel so "saucy"! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I like the noise you make when I place my hands on your breasts...who knew you were such a big fan of Popeye? Is that cold spaghetti in your underwear or do you have a strange disease I should be aware of?
Creepy Man In Lab Coat Says He Wants To Be Your Gynecologist - 40 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-808084464@craigslist.org: 2008-08-22, 10:58AM PDT
And on the third day...or the fourth day....after God created clown greasepaint make-up, sexual intercourse, fried chicken, rubber vampire teeth and katsup...he said "Damn I'm good"...then fell asleep...
That was when the elves came...and when God awoke the next day he was surrounded by several pairs of shoes...."What the hell?" he thought to himself..."I didn't create all of these shoes....unless I was sleep walking again...that would explain the purple dragon that shits hot dogs and the parrot who talks like Jack Palance and has postage stamps where it's eyes should be...but these shoes...I'm not so sure"
On the fifth day God created Bela Lugosi, a small, red cowboy hat and two ding dongs...he wasn't feeling very adventurous on the fifth day as he was hung over after creating Mad Dog 20/20 and astronauts.
On the sixth Day he had a nice milkshake after creating chocolate syrup...then he pondered the shoes the elves had made. "Goddamn....I still can't figure out where the hell those shoes came from...the last ones I remember creating were made of wood...and that was just a joke on those Dutch people I created...and they actually fell for it...dummies"
Man With Teeth Made Of Legos and Gold Spray Paint Loves Ladies - 39 (SOMA / south beach)
Reply to: mailto:pers-808314992@craigslist.org: 2008-08-22, 1:16PM PDT
The sweltering heat forced Jocko to regret his choice of the Santa Claus costume...although he still believed the gold genie shoes to be an inspired touch. At least everyone in church took notice of him today.
Such a nice day for a funeral. In hindsight, Jocko thought writing "Battery operated dickweed" on his forehead was just a tad overboard, but the rubber bat earrings were friggin' awesome....Jocko resisted the urge to "high five" himself when thinking of the rubber bats. They went so well with the plastic vampire fangs.
Seeing as it was a funeral, Jocko loaded his Santa Claus coat pockets with diced onions to assure that he would produce the appropriate tears. "I smell oniony" he whispered over and over under his breath. The other mourners had given Jocko a very wide berth in which to pay his respects. That afforded him the chance to perform rim shots on the snare drum he'd brought whenever the priest said something funny
Man With Crabs Seeks His Mermaid - 38 (mission district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-808348133@craigslist.org: 2008-08-22, 1:38PM PDT
Wellllll HOOOOOOOOOWWWWWDDDDYYYYY! Jimmy Crackcorn doesn't really care...the selfish little bastard! I says to him...I says..."Hey, Jimmy Crackcorn...the goddamn barn's on fire!...you know what that self-center little shit says? ...He says "I don't care"...and I says..."You better start carin', Buster Brown" or there's gonna be Hell to pay...This little jerkoff says "I don't care"....
Then we all sing the chorus : "Hello...my name is Corky! I am from Outer Space and have Christmas tree bulbs for testicles"
Enter Man dressed like Abe Lincoln...but instead of pants he wears a leopard skin print thong stuffed with pickles. Abe does a very funny dance..
Then we bring out the intoxicated leprechauns and the drag queen dressed as Joan Crawford.The drag queen beats the leprechauns with a wire hanger until they begin to scream..
then we all go trick or treating. When we get home we punch Grandma in the face and all cram into the same dirty sleeping bag for hot sex
Man Who Keeps Sticky Barbie Dolls Under Bed Seeks Hot Girlfriend - 39 (haight ashbury)
Reply to: mailto:pers-808518258@craigslist.org: 2008-08-22, 3:34PM PDT
Lucifer Bourbongranny wanted it all : Love, sex, bling, a phat ride, hoes, bitches, oatmeal raisin cookies, air sick bags, an aardvark, a picturesque view of the city dump, a suitcase filled with random severed body parts, a red light bulb, an onion with a funny face drawn on it, a wax figure of Bob Denver as Gilligan from the television show "Gilligan's Island", a bag of marbles, cheap condoms, a jar of fish eyeballs, a two-headed monkey, a cyclops, a monocle shop, his own brand of spaghetti sauce, some pantie hose fashioned into a mask, a cigar box filled with a midget's pubic hair, a milk carton filled with old motor oil,his own clown.
He was a man of high standards and low morals...a man who's ups and downs were as sideways as his ins and outs...and yes I mean that in a sexual way...all covered in rich, dark chocolate and covered with whip cream...but instead of a cherry...it was all topped with a red clown nose he borrowed from his own private clown (Captain Po Po Fish Bitches).
He dreamed of one day running his own hot dog stand...but instead of hot dogs he would sell human fingers on sticks dipped in "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" Someday the world would be Lucifer's Oyster...and he wants YOU to be his hoe, baby!
Grown Man Dressed As Harry Potter Thinks He's Cute But Seems Retarded - 41 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-808580114@craigslist.org: 2008-08-22, 4:21PM PDT
Bobo toiled away, night and day...sun up to sundown..plowing and tilling his onion field...but without luck...instead he yielded only a vast harvest of potatoes...which all slightly resembled the face of Jack Klugman. His recently purchased Captain Crunch costume was now caked with dirt from the onion field (that kept yielding only potatoes).
Once, Bobo actually found a human head growing out of the ground.Oddly enough this one didn't look like Jack Klugman...it just looked like some other guy's head...and maybe in hadn't so much grown out of the ground as it had maybe been deposited there by the person who may have removed it with what may have been a hatchet.
Bobo's bottom itched from the hairbrush he kept there and his false teeth were sticky with Elmer's glue...next time he would go to an actual dentist rather than attempting to make his own. Life sucked ass but Bobo was just too goddamn stupid to realize it. What an idiot.
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