The Case Of The Murderous Bloodbath!

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I've got a golden (shower) ticket!

As we stood at the entrance to the headquarters of Kink.com on Mission Street in San Francisco awaiting the free, monthly, one night tour, my friend Rick, his work friend Natalie and I imagined being greeted by a host resembling Willie Wonka crossed with Marilyn Manson..some eccentric, cross dressing deviant in a top hat and women's lingerie wearing fishnet stockings. Rick joked about the sights we'd see on this most magical tour, announcing, in his best tour guide voice, "Now if you'll just step this way, here we have "The Gimp Room". Oh how we laughed and tittered and chuckled and guffawed, imagining the phantasmagorical and perverse adventure that awaited us within the foreboding building that used to be an armory housing the National Guard in the early 1900's. The building had been neglected for several years until the founder of the Kink.com S&M porn website purchased it for a song 3 years ago.

The building itself resembles a castle straight out of an old Hammer horror film and seems a bit lonely not being surrounded by angry villagers waving pitch forks and torches at its base. The main difference now being that I doubt Dr. Frankenstein would have proudly raised a rainbow flag above his castle....even if he was being directed by James Whale. We went there thinking we might be able to talk someone into letting us possibly shoot inside the building...you know, kinky location scouting.

Weelllll...our host wasn't exactly a cross-dressing Willie Wonka, just a very business-like young woman who ignored the boisterous laughter during certain parts of the tour with a very straight face.

The interior was not the labyrinthine Frankenstein set I had imagined...it was simply a massive structure converted into a sort of movie studio with some rather impressive sets...but mostly it was just an old, neglected military building that had now been fashioned to suit the bondage-driven content of Kink.com, with sets fashioned around the old structure and now adorned with plenty of chains and beds and rather simple set dressings. Impressive, but not the mind-blowing burst of hilarity I'd half expected. There was a padded cell set with an adjoining one-way mirror observation room...outside of which sat a prop table displaying numerous, rather sinister-looking bits of bondage gear.

One set had a hole fashioned in the floor with a closing metal frame which, we were told, was for placing an actress' head in so that her rear end stood up in the air in the opposite direction...hmmmmm. Whatever floats yer boat, Jimmy!

To our delight, following Rick's impromptu tour guide ad-libs before we began, we entered a room that resembled something out of Clive Barker's film "Hellraiser", which the tour guide informed us was actually known as "The Gimp Room"...which prompted me to laugh out loud before anyone else did, which somehow felt slightly inappropriate and embarrassing, as Rick hadn't yet entered and was outside in the hall snapping pictures of some kind of horrifically-perverse torture device, fashioned to cage a person on all fours for God knows what nefarious purpose.

The highpoint of this Wednesday night excursion was hearing the tour guide actually say these words: "We ask that no one touch any of the machines in the "Fuck Machine Room" because they've all been sanitized". Hey...no argument there. After being introduced to a robot called "Fuckzilla" and its new appendage the "Chick Lick"...a chainsaw blade re-fashioned and now adorned with soft rubber tongues...I had really no desire to touch anything in the "Fuck Machine Room"...but I was thankful I had hand sanitizer in my coat pocket....as I felt I too might need to be sanitized after the tour.

Who doesn't find Herman Munster sexually attractive?

Since I am now editing my book I will neglect this blog like a despised stepchild who cowers under a staircase for fear of another severe beating from The Nazi Clown Daddy Cult Leader! Bad Bobby! You get hit now! However for anyone who reads this ridiculous collection of crap I will post my Craig's list personal ads that I seem to provide on a crack addiction-like basis. Here are my charming posts for this week:

Wine, Cuddling, Duct Tape, Package Of Hot Dogs, Herman Munster Mask - 37 (haight ashbury)
Reply to: mailto:pers-919269131@craigslist.org?subject=Wine,%20Cuddling,%20Duct%20Tape,%20Package%20Of%20Hot%20Dogs,%20Herman%20Munster%20Mask%20-%2037%20(haight%20ashbury) [?]Date: 2008-11-14, 1:22PM PST

Hey there all you sassy, sexy ladies! Bobby boy is lookin' fer love! Love and perhaps a nice sack of onions to beat my sex clown with. His name is Toot Toot. Toot Toot the sex clown. His horn goes "honk honk" when I touch your boobs! Just like in that movie with Matt Damon as the Hilary Clinton impersonator! Do you like pudding? Boy boy sure likes it! It's practically all I eat! That's why I have these delightful removable teeth! It's like a super power! Magic teeth Come out of skull NOW! Poof! Just like a David Copperfield illusion but with my teeth!


Bad Boy Can't Be Tamed, But Can Be Run Over And Killed With Car - 36 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-919288344@craigslist.org?subject=Bad%20Boy%20Can [?]Date: 2008-11-14, 1:36PM PST

Yo Yo Yo Pookie! WAZZZZZZZZAAAPPPPP?????! It's Ralphie the baby doll juggler and green party presidential candidate! Ralphie is afraid of scary ghosts, but loves him some hot ladies in the sack, Jackson! WOOOOOOOO!!!!! Ralphie likes to buy ladies special gifts from the underwear store! Don't mind Ralphie's hunchback....it's not really even his...he followed Ralphie home one night and Ralphie gave him some delicious chocolate chip cookies. Ralphie is very talented sexually and artistically...look he just painted a nice painting of a young and handsome Burt Reynolds as he appeared in the film "Gator"! Come share a blanket with Ralphie


Let's Have Beers And Vomit On Each Other During Sex! - 35 (castro / upper market)
Reply to: mailto:pers-919310907@craigslist.org?subject=Let [?]Date: 2008-11-14, 1:51PM PST

Hello there. My Name is Bradford Wallace. I am a successful importer of fine, Chinese dragon bongs. I am recently divorced from my evil shrew of a bitch wife..may she rot in Hell for eternity while hoards of demons shove bowling trophies up her pimpled ass! Whore!...Anyway...lets say the wounds are still festering like burst, puss-oozing boils. I am an attractive single man looking to pamper a young, beautiful girl dressed in a catholic school girl outfit. I will spank your supple bottom while wearing my plastic crown and rubber Jimmy Durante nose..."AAAAAHHH Cha cha cha! I got a million of 'em!". My great Jimmy Durante impression probably fails to translate in type...but I assure you it is quite authentic...everyone in the mail room at my import company finds it to be quite the laugh riot.

I am afraid of certain types of fish and like blueberries on my pancakes, FYI.



New to The City, Like To Dress Like Carol Channing, Nurse Breasts - 37 (west portal / forest hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-919324953@craigslist.org?subject=New%20to%20The%20City,%20Like%20To%20Dress%20Like%20Carol%20Channing,%20Nurse%20Breasts%20-%2037%20(west%20portal%20/%20forest%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-11-14, 2:01PM PST

Hey let's get together and watch my new DVD of "The Care Bears Movie". We'll dress in pajamas and have a pillow fight...but we'll put bricks inside the pillow cases so they'll actually hurt! We'll pop up some popcorn and wear aluminum foil hats to keep the weird voices away. You can tie me to a chair and punch me in the face while I do things to myself with mustard. Then I'll call you "The Great Poontang Warrior Princess"! God we're going to have fun , baby! I've got this weird-looking elf doll I can shove up your butt while you sing "Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead"!



Gynecologist In Clown Nose Nicknames Self Snatch Adams - 38 (financial district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-919529273@craigslist.org?subject=Gynecologist%20In%20Clown%20Nose%20Nicknames%20Self%20Snatch%20Adams%20-%2038%20(financial%20district) [?]Date: 2008-11-14, 4:43PM PST

Hoo ha! Honk Honk! Show me the funny! Ho ho ho ho...hee hee hee hee! I'm a funny gynecologist clown! Woooo wooooo! How 'bout a little sexual healing from Dr. Adams?! Woo woo woo! Nyuck nyuck! Look I'm riding a unicycle around the examination room! Woooooo! Beep beep!



Distinguished, Tasteful Gentleman Seeks Female Fart Machine - 42 (downtown / civic / van ness)
Reply to: mailto:pers-919541983@craigslist.org?subject=Distinguished,%20Tasteful%20Gentleman%20Seeks%20Female%20Fart%20Machine%20-%2042%20(downtown%20/%20civic%20/%20van%20ness) [?]Date: 2008-11-14, 4:56PM PST

William Jameson III is seeking that special naughty someone...the kind of someone who likes to dress up like a wizard and throw knives at me while I hang upside down in my vampire bat costume! The sky's the limit, Baby! We'll make sandwiches with live scorpions in them and force feed each other! We'll smoke corn cob pipes and wear hillbilly costumes during sex!

Polyamorous Ice Cream Men seeks Female Sex Giant - 35 (hayes valley)
Reply to: mailto:pers-919622218@craigslist.org?subject=Polyamorous%20Ice%20Cream%20Men%20seeks%20Female%20Sex%20Giant%20-%2035%20(hayes%20valley) [?]Date: 2008-11-14, 6:13PM PST

Jackie the ice cream man likes 'em tall! Like Frankenstein's monster tall. Needless to say we can share all of the delicious ice cream you desire...in all the flavors of the rainbow! Even rainbow flavor! You should try a double dip covered with plastic ants! Woo Doggie thems good eats! Or a triple pop double chocolate deluxe space bar with a plastic cockroach in the center. Do you like rubber snakes? I like to braid them into my filthy dreadlocks. I'm a little weird but really sexy! Sexy like a fox! Or like Sandy Duncan in those old Triscuits commercials...man what a babe! Lets eat some ice cream and screw, you big beautiful vision of Jack And The Beanstalk sexiness! In fact I even have a fake beanstalk in my bedroom that I like to climb before delightfully delicious, melted ice cream-soaked sexual intercourse


Paco Having Many Sex With Doll Shaped Like Rubber Lady! - 36 (mission district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-919633885@craigslist.org?subject=Paco%20Having%20Many%20Sex%20With%20Doll%20Shaped%20Like%20Rubber%20Lady!%20-%2036%20(mission%20district) [?]Date: 2008-11-14, 6:26PM PST

Paco having many practice with inflatable lady of rubber for to practice for many sex with all the sexist ladies! Paco practicing many positions of love for the cha cha cha of making sex with beautiful ladies of love! Paco preparing himself for to be champion of sex for many hours of making love juice with sexist ladies of love! Paco thinks he may have invented new position with rubber lady for to try with real woman not made of rubber! Produce many organisms in new position of love! Paco very happy he may win trophy wife of sex with Paco after many practice with rubber lady of sex!

Alan and Karl are ready to have sex with ladies now

More additions to my obsession with posting stupid Craig's list personal ads for this week:

Alan And Karl are ready to have sex with ladies now! - 37 (lower nob hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-909906813@craigslist.org?subject=Alan%20And%20Karl%20are%20ready%20to%20have%20sex%20with%20ladies%20now!%20-%2037%20(lower%20nob%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-11-07, 1:21PM PST

Hello sexy ladies! My brother and I have finally decided it was time to leave the sideshow and hop in the sack with some foxy babes! Karl and I are twice the package of any "normally-shaped" man. And Karl is quite the sex machine once he gets warmed up with smelling salts and sugar. I'm the more tender and sensitive of the two...literally...my skin is tender and sensitive due to a rare condition and I break out in a horrible rash if mishandled, so my half of the love making with require a soft touch. Though we share a spine, we are both "anatomically correct"...well...sort of...I mean we both have sexual organs. So if you're up for a unique experience...why not try Karl and Alan?!


Man in Burger King Mask wants to give you his Whopper - 35 (financial district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-909920985@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20in%20Burger%20King%20Mask%20wants%20to%20give%20you%20his%20Whopper%20-%2035%20(financial%20district) [?]Date: 2008-11-07, 1:34PM PST

Man I loves the ladies! They call me "The King"...and for a very good reason...I wear a plastic Burger King Mask...all the time...that's where my nickname comes from. It's hard to see out of but it hides my acne and the "dental mishap". I am ALL MAN! literally...if you took a blood sample or tissue sample I could verify this fact. I want to make sweet love you you with my real body and over-sized plastic head. Afterwards we can watch my favorite film "Snow White and the Three Stooges" and order a pizza. I'm really flexible...almost like a rubber man...like the guy from Fantastic Four....or that old cartoon, "Plastic Man".


Paco buy Chevy Van Of Love for making sex on bed of water! - 36 (mission district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-909934554@craigslist.org?subject=Paco%20buy%20Chevy%20Van%20Of%20Love%20for%20making%20sex%20on%20bed%20of%20water!%20%20-%2036%20(mission%20district) [?]Date: 2008-11-07, 1:43PM PST

Paco has bought for the new Chevy Van of Love for to making sex on bed of Water! Paco's Bed Of water is soft like skin and making for love to all the sexist ladies. Many shag carpet and tiger skin in Paco's Chevy Van Of Love for the ladies to lay on in sex underwear for the cha cha cha! All the sexist ladies love Paco's Chevy Van of Love.


Foot Fetish Seeks Hot Girl In Clown Shoes/Frankenstein Monster Boots - 35 (castro / upper market)
Reply to: mailto:pers-909954518@craigslist.org?subject=Foot%20Fetsh%20Seeks%20Hot%20Girl%20In%20Clown%20Shoes/Frankenstein%20Monster%20Boots%20-%2035%20(castro%20/%20upper%20market) [?]Date: 2008-11-07, 1:57PM PST

Well hold the phone, Jimmy! It's one a them Craig's list personal ads! WOOOOO WEEEEE! Damn this is great! I gots my own personal ad! Just like on television...or in the movies...when they post personal ads! Like that movie about some hairy girl named Sally...maybe she went on the Craig's list to get some guy with a hairy woman fetish! Me I like them big ole Frankenstein shoes! I like a hottie in them Herman Munster shoes walkin' around all sexy and shit! WOOOOOOO WEEEEEE! Or a hot babe in clown shoes...squeezing a bicycle horn and wearing a red clown nose! Man that's hot! WOOOOOO WEEEEEEE!!!! Maybe a nice rocker girl in KISS boots with dragons on 'em! WOOOOOO WEEEEEEEEE!!!



Discreet Alien Gentleman Seeks Sexy Lady To Re-Populate Planet - 106 (haight ashbury)
Reply to: mailto:pers-910159286@craigslist.org?subject=Discreet%20Alien%20Gentleman%20Seeks%20Sexy%20Lady%20To%20Re-Populate%20Planet%20-%20106%20(haight%20ashbury) [?]Date: 2008-11-07, 4:44PM PST

Greeting sexy ladies of planet Earth. I am Zordock 12 of the Grablock Nebula. I seek a naughty,naked nympho with an open mind for an intergalactic breeding arrangement...and when I say open mind...I mean REALLY open. Our breeding methods may frighten the people of Earth, but I assure you, once we get into the swing of things, as you Earth people like to say...you will quite enjoy getting your freak on with Zordock 12. I am considered quite good looking on my home planet...but might frighten the sexy Earth Ladies if they are not prepared for my "stats"

Nine feet ten inches tall 275 pounds of love

Green skin with yellow stripes

Glowing red eyes of passion

enormous private parts with soft spikes protruding

Purple hair.

sharp, black teeth.

I am not looking for a serious relationship...I only wish to re-populate my planet through breeding with a sexy Earth Lady with big bouncy Earth Boobs of delight. Lets hook up for some Revulkian ale and a passionate exchange of fluids

Weird Uncle Dickie Posts Bizarre Personal Ad About Nursing Breasts - 43 (noe valley)
Reply to: mailto:pers-910269718@craigslist.org?subject=Weird%20Uncle%20Dickie%20Posts%20Bizarre%20Personal%20Ad%20About%20Nursing%20Breasts%20-%2043%20(noe%20valley) [?]Date: 2008-11-07, 6:37PM PST

You'll have to excuse poor, Uncle Dickie ladies...he is not at all well...dementia as well as a breast fetish, you see...plus he's always just been rather creepy. Never could keep his sticky, bony hands to himself. Always pawing at boobies, breasts and ta-tas. Always did love melons, jugs and titays. Senility and a breast fixation have prompted him to dress up like Popeye The Sailor Man and post several ads about how he wants to "Gently Nurse You". He's always been the black sheep of the family...sometimes even dressing up in a black sheep costume to post his strange breast-related personal ads about suckin' hooters, gazongas and flubbery floppers. Once we even caught him dressed as Mae West sporting a pair of rubber Halloween prop breasts dancing about to the tunes of Whitesnake and had to sedate the poor fellow. It's sad really. We're not even certain how he keeps wriggling out of the leather wrist and ankle restraints attached to his bed frame in the damp attic. We were hoping the damp and mold would finally put an end to his suffering...but he seems all too resilient for such a frail son of a bitch. But not to worry...I have knocked him out cold with a marble ash tray tonight...so there won't be anymore boobie postings for the time it will take him to recover .

Ernest Saves Craig's List

Even more of my idiotic Craig's List personal postings for today...it was making me laugh so I kept doing it...it's a compulsion!

Man In Abe Lincoln Costume Wishes To Emancipate You From Sexual Boredom - 41 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-898546112@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20In%20Abe%20Lincoln%20Costume%20Wishes%20To%20Emancipate%20You%20Of%20Sexual%20Boredom%20-%2041%20(potrero%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-10-29, 3:19PM PDT

Four score and seven dates ago I freed a lovely lady of her binding virginity. It was an expansive gesture on my part and now Honest Abe is willing to go the extra mile for another lucky lady. Yes, girls, ask yourself...who is sexier than Abe Lincoln?...With my chin beard, mole and stove pipe hat. Certainly not that homo George Washington. Yes, Andrew Jackson has a nice head of hair, but he's a total dickwad. Grant's an drunk and Taft is a transvestite. What better way to spend a night of sexual ecstasy than a visit to the Lincoln bedroom?

I Want To Gently Caress Your Rubber Klingon Head And Uniform - 38 (excelsior / outer mission)
Reply to: mailto:pers-898569395@craigslist.org?subject=I%20Want%20To%20Gently%20Caress%20Your%20Rubber%20Klingon%20Head%20And%20Uniform%20-%2038%20(excelsior%20/%20outer%20mission) [?]Date: 2008-10-29, 3:37PM PDT

Warp ten ladies! Cause Arnold Fassbinder is ready to unleash the female Klingon within! To quote the Klingon Mating Ritual code "Rach Nach Blach Nack Slac Har Vac Nar!" Yes it will be hours of soft caresses and tough Klingon Love as we mate in the ancient ritual of KRAKNAR on the twelfth Klingon Moon and Mining Colony of Darkus 10! I will make you my SLARKCHARD! And together we shall achieve SLAYRVAC!

Do You Dress Up Like Wonder Woman? Sleep In A Coffin? Sniff Glue? - 35 (noe valley)
Reply to: mailto:pers-898605445@craigslist.org?subject=Do%20You%20Dress%20Up%20Like%20Wonder%20Woman%3f%20Sleep%20In%20A%20Coffin%3f%20Sniff%20Glue%3f%20%20-%2035%20(noe%20valley) [?]Date: 2008-10-29, 4:05PM PDT

BY THE POWER OF GRAY SKULL! I HAVE THE PPOOOOOOOWWWWWEEEEERRRR! To make you happy...to give you all those things the other dullards refuse to give you...like socks with barbie doll heads glued to the toes...and a bowling ball covered in blood and human hair and brain tissue. A novelty driver's license that says your name is "Cooter McDragonlick Fuckmunch III"...I'll bake you that cake shaped like the hyrdocephalic baby and glue rubber spiders on that globe...so it looks like spiders are attacking the Earth! I'll paint blood stains on your bedroom walls replicating that arterial spray you like so much and cover the floor in raw meat and sewage...just like you imagined it! We'll watch horror films twenty four hours a day and live on Dr. Pepper and cigars.

Gentle Ernest P. Worrell Impersonator Seeks Naughty Nude Nympho - 37 (nob hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-898635012@craigslist.org?subject=Gentle%20Ernest%20P.%20Worrell%20Impersonator%20Seeks%20Naughty%20Nude%20Nympo%20%20-%2037%20(nob%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-10-29, 4:29PM PDT

Hey ladies...much like Freddy "Boom Boom" Washington would say in his sexy low voice "Hi there". I am currently employed at the Six Flaggs amusement park as their resident host for the "Ernest Save Christmas" Imax 3-D experience. So I tend to like to stay in character all the time..."Know what I mean, Vern?". If you like the hilarious series of Ernest comedy films we'll get along splendidly..."Know what I mean, Vern?". I guess there's no need for me to send a picture because if you're reading this, chances are you're an "Ernest P. Worrell" fan like me...needless to say I look like the great Jim Varney. Lets get together and watch "Ernest Scared Stupid" for Halloween! A Halloween classic...know what I mean, Vern?

The Amish Sex Machine!

Well my Craig's list posts for today went a bit into outer space:

Amish Sex Machine Seeks Big-Titted Butter-Churnin' Hoe! - 41 (haight ashbury)
Reply to: mailto:pers-898391797@craigslist.org?subject=Amish%20Sex%20Machine%20Seeks%20Big-Titted%20Butter-Churnin [?]Date: 2008-10-29, 1:32PM PDT

Aye, tis what Ezekiel seeks...the woman of great abundance in character and bossom. The great heaving breasts are what I do so fancy. We'll attend a barn raising and then back to the home for some hot sex! Then we'll rise at five AM and milk the cows, perform the chores and mend that old fence...then back to the house for more hot sex! This we shall do on a daily basis if it be God's will. We shan't go among the English...and lord help us if Harrison Ford shows up in the community undercover...for that would not bode well.

Adnoid Jackson Has A Magic Sex Chicken! - 36 (castro / upper market)
Reply to: mailto:pers-898406181@craigslist.org?subject=Adnoid%20Jackson%20Has%20A%20Magic%20Sex%20Chicken!%20-%2036%20(castro%20/%20upper%20market) [?]Date: 2008-10-29, 1:42PM PDT

Yes it's sure hard to type with two raw chickens on my hands...hard to walk with them on my feet as well...and the large, raw turkey I wear as a hat weighs a goddamn ton. Maybe I should consider making a different type of fashion statement...one less raw-poultry themed. The problem is they go so well with my Elvis jumpsuit that I'd hate to break up the ensemble. Maybe I'll just lose the tuba...filled with raw chicken...that wasn't really what I was going for when I started wearing all of this. In any case...let's hook up and have some sex!

Danish Gentleman Wishes To Share Star Trek Erotica W/Frail& Elderly - 36 (downtown / civic / van ness)
Reply to: mailto:pers-898422140@craigslist.org?subject=Danish%20Gentleman%20Wishes%20To%20Share%20Star%20Trek%20Erotica%20W/Frail&%3b%20Elderly%20%20-%2036%20(downtown%20/%20civic%20/%20van%20ness) [?]Date: 2008-10-29, 1:52PM PDT

Hello I am Hans Glochnetch, man of many talents and pleasures! Today I made a lizard out of an egg carton and some tempra paint and old macaroni..I name him "Lizzy"...he's very nice! I like very much to collect the Star Trek Erotica...have chests full of fan fiction stories of crew getting it on on The U.S.S. Enterprise! Would like to share my collection with many frail and elderly people who enjoy Star Trek fan fiction erotica! Then we'll do arts and crafts and have some nice apple sauce!

Nice Hat..Faggot!

There's nothing more stomach-turning than an adult attempting to be cute, playful and fancy-free. You know, the kind of dickhead who wears a Santa Claus hat around the Christmas season. Hey asshole...do you know who should wear a Satan Claus hat? His name is fucking SANTA CLAUS, shitwit! Jesus Christ that kind of shit pisses me off...people trying to act endearing. The kind of idiots you'd like to witness taking a bad fall or getting splattered with mud by a passing car...or run over and dragged by a Muni Bus.

Today I was in Starbuck's getting my morning coffee and some thirty-something asswipe in a fucking, velvet jester hat is riding his push scooter around inside the coffee shop...like some goddamn ten year-old-kid...with his stupid velour shirt and baggy pants. A FUCKING VELVET JESTER HAT! WHAT A DOUCHE BAG! Man that kind of display gets under my skin..."Look at me! I'm so full of whimsy! Tee hee! I'm Just like Peter Pan! WEEEEEE!".

This is the type of asshole who needs a goddamn piano or 500 pound safe dropped on their head. "Whoops! Mr. Tinkerbell Fun-junkie Burning Man dickweed just got squashed all over the sidewalk! Tee hee!" ....Fuckhead!