Rebel Smell

I think Satan may have broken into our apartment and farted into our refrigerator. A few days ago, my girlfriend, Sarita and I noticed a foul smell coming from the interior of our aforementioned household appliance. This odor has since been getting steadily stronger and now smells like what I would imagine Jeffery Dahmer's apartment might have smelled like when he was finally arrested for a string of horrible serial murders. Our stench is a stench of mysterious origins, wicked and Lovecraftian...as if birthed from an alternate dimension. The smell of nightmares and rot. A thorough cleaning of the interior had absolutely no effect on this odor..it only seems to gain strength through our disgust. We had no rotten food stored away in some dark corner to give this hideous smell some kind of earthly origin, rather it seems to have simply come into being of its own accord. There is something uniquely disconcerting about opening the door of your refrigerator and being met with a stench that might be more closely associated with something you might encounter during a visit to a county morgue. This "thing" is like some kind of olfactory syphilis. Every time we open the fridge these days it's like being forced to inhale smelling salts that have been extracted from the asshole of a rotting cadaver...if I was hard pressed to pin the odor down, I would describe it as a rotten cucumber that had been infused with the DNA of a dead rat and then pickled in a jar of formaldehyde and cocktail onions and served up on a plate of burning plastic and slathered with a hearty dollop of stagnant water drawn from an abandoned septic tank...oh and this would all be experienced in the world that the film Tron took place in...when people die in that world...this is what their bodies begin to smell like when they rot.

Ingo Gets The Squirts

The man introduced himself as "Bob Bunyan". "Like the giant" he added.

"Giant?" Dr. Becker wasn't sure what possible significance the comparison could have.

"You know...Paul Bunyan."

"Oh...that giant" Looking at the man's chart, Dr. Becker saw that Mr. Bunyan had also included this trivial tidbit on his insurance information form.

"The one with the giant blue ox" the man said. "The giant lumberjack".

Dr. Becker sighed. "I get it, Mr. Bunyan. There's no need to belabor the point...wringing it dry like a blood-soaked rag. At this point you are flogging a dead horse, Bunyan. I get it! Next time leave this kind of trivial horseshit off of your insurance forms, or I'll put my foot so far up your ass you'll belch Birkenstocks"

Mr. Bunyan looked a bit shell-shocked by the scolding and Dr. Becker relished the man's uneasiness. Becker did not suffer fools and the tongue lashing had been quite satisfying.

"Having the same last name as a legendary giant lumberjack does not make you anything special, Mr. Bunyan. If anything, pointing that out makes you seem meek and insignificant...like some kind of wriggling, slimy worm...or better yet, a maggot....squirming in a sea of feces with others of your ilk."

Mr. Bunyan bowed his head, looking ashamed and Dr. Becker withheld a grin. He loved nothing more than berating his patients...except perhaps for stabbing them...but he didn't do that sort of thing anymore. He'd had the "Bad Becker" under control for quite some time now. His mask and knives were safely tucked away in a safety deposit box just in case the police should come to call on him.

"Here, Mr. Bunyan, I'll just fix this form of yours". Becker removed a ballpoint pen from the breast pocket of his lab coat and scribbled out Bunyan's "like the giant" notation and replaced it with the words "like the asshole". "There we are...much, much, much better!" he said, passing the clipboard to Mr. Bunyan. Bunyan gazed at the notation and began to sob quietly. Delighted by the man's waterworks, Becker couldn't resist ridiculing his patient further.

"I hate you, Bunyan! You're an idiot and I hope you die!" he hissed. Mr. Bunyan gazed up at the Doctor, red-eyed and full of self-loathing. "Why are you doing this to me?" he pleaded. The Doctor threw his head back and laughed. "I'm only funning ya, buddy boy!" he said and patted Mr. Bunyan on the shoulder gently. "It's all good, peckerwood, I'm just making a funny ha ha joke...like the stand up comedians do down at The Funny Farm Comedy Club!"

Bunyan looked confused but somewhat relieved by this information. "A...a joke? Like a comedian?"

"Yes...a funny funny ha ha joke like the comedian! Like the Bob Hope or the George Burns make with funny mouth! Make many joke so as to be laughed at by public!" Becker then began to walk stiffly around the exam room as if he were some kind of robot. "Dr. Pookie make funny joke for patient man in exam room!" Bunyan was further befuddled by his doctor's odd behavior, staring at him with his mouth agape. "Dr. Pookie is made of metal like the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz!" Becker said robotically.

"Or like C-3PO?" Bunyan asked

"Ya ya! Little Dutch Boy! Me like C-3PO! Me robot!" Becker suddenly froze in his tracks. "Uh oh!" he mumbled.

Bunyan examined him. "What's wrong, Doctor?"

"Robot doctor accidentally make shit in pants." Becker answered.

Mr. Bunyan looked uncomfortable. "You shit your pants?"

"Robot doctor make doo doo download in drawers. Red alert! Red alert."

Bunyan quickly gathered his clothing from the chair he had draped it over. "Well...I guess you'll want to take care of that then, Doctor...uh...I'll just be going."

"Robot doctor want Mr. Bunyan for friend." Becker said and then broke wind loudly. "Oops! Make more robot poo poo in pants!"

At this, Bunyan bolted for the door of the exam room only to find it locked.

"Stay awhile" Becker whispered. "I was just about to make some of my famous sangria."

A Virtual Charleston Chew

A gift for all of my rabid fans...please take a large bite of this virtual Charleston Chew.

Hollywood Purgatory: Potentially Classic Films That Never Made The Leap From Development Onto The Silver Screen

1.) Indiana Jones and the Boner of Hendrix. Trapped in development hell, this treatment proposed a sequel in which the geriatric archaeologist pursues thieves who have stolen the notorious plaster cast of famed guitarist Jimi Hendrix's erect penis.

2.) Irwin Allen's Raw Sewage. In 1978, "Master of Disaster" Allen proposed this aptly-titled disaster epic in which an all-star cast fight for their lives when the streets of Los Angeles become flooded with human waste. Reportedly, when Allen approached Charlton Heston to play the lead role, the star quipped, "Are you fucking crazy?!" and tried to stab the director in the neck with a screw driver hidden in his sock.

3.) Franco Zefferelli's Joannie Loves Chaci. This proposed big screen version of the short-lived Happy Days spin off sitcom was abandoned when the famed Romeo and Juliette director instead chose to develop early treatments for The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island.

4.) Lord of the Bling. This urban-flavored re-imagining of J.R.R. Tolkien's epic fantasy trilogy was shelved when early make-up tests proved to make actor, Samuel L. Jackson, who was to portray the wizard, Gandalf, appear too much like Song of the South narrator, Uncle Remus. The furious actor reportedly stormed out of make-up tests screaming, "Enough is enough! I have had it with these mother fuckin' snakes on this mother fuckin' plane!"

5.) Disney's Sodom and Gomorrah. This horrific tale of God's vengeance was forsaken when Disney studios' conceptual artists failed to come up with a family-friendly way to portray sodomy. The song Lick My Boner, composed for the film's potential soundtrack, was later used in a straight-to-video Little Mermaid sequel.

6.) David Lynch's Picklenose. Early drafts of the screenplay for Lynch's aborted project don't really explain anything at all. The color blue is heavily featured, as is a male character "Who vaguely resembles Fatty Arbuckle". The film was to also feature several close ups of raw meat swarming with flies and a man who has his nose replaced by a large dill pickle.

7.) The Great Muppet Holocaust. Little is know about this aborted project, probably for the best.

8.) Godzilla Versus Vaginasaur. Conceptual sketches for this entry in the successful Japanese giant monster series depict "The King of the Monsters" doing battle with a gargantuan rubber vagina.

Bobo Gets His Street Cred

"Screw you, turd burglar! I'm pourin' it all in!"

It was a typical Jackie response; impulsive, foolhardy, crass. Exactly why Doug had been saddled with Jackie as a lab partner was a mystery, but it seemed to be the result of some deep-rooted animosity harbored by his chemistry teacher, Mr. Albright. Jackie's wild reputation around Filmore High had preceded him by a country mile, yet despite Doug's objections, Albright had chosen to pair them up anyway. The jerk had even laughed at the pairing, muttering something under his breath about "birds of a feather" and "dilly dallying dong fondlers". When Doug again voiced his concerns about having a ticking time bomb like Jackie as a lab partner, Mr. Albright responded by doodling a sketch on the chalk board which depicted Doug with his pants down having sexual intercourse with a chicken. Doug's face had turned beet red, not because of the jeering the offensive caricature evoked from his classmates, but because he secretly found the picture to be strangely erotic.

Now here they were, a mismatched odd couple with a tray full of volatile chemicals and Jackie just itching to wreak havoc. Doug shielded his eyes as Jackie dumped the smoking and bubbling contents of his test tube into the beaker which sat before them atop the bunsen burner. There was a blinding flash of light as the beaker exploded, riddling Doug's face with shards of broken glass and knocking him to the floor. The explosion was deafening, the impact blasting away the classroom wall to the left of the two teenagers. As Doug rose from the floor, pulling bits of glass from his bleeding face, he observed what appeared to be a rip in space and time created just beyond the ragged remains of the classroom wall. From the swirling nebulous mass stepped a bald man, completely nude, his skin a shimmering silver hue. In his right hand the silver-skinned man held a large, black, rubber dildo. The man pointed the dildo at Doug as his eyes became aglow with fiery red light. "Beware the Kremlac! The eater of souls!" he said.

"Who are you?" Doug asked.
"My named is Pookie Anal Prob Vampire Bat Tootsie Cat Call Skippy Vaudeville Circuit...and I am from the future." he replied.

The sliver-skinned man then stepped forward, observing his surroundings. He looked to the floor and cocked his head ever-so-slightly with a look of curiosity. Doug followed the direction of the man's glance and caught sight of the bloody remains of Jackie's now headless and mangled corpse. "That one doesn't have a head" the man observed coldly, not in the least bit perturbed by the blood and gore before him. Shocked by the gruesome sight, Doug lurched forward and regurgitated onto the floor. The silver-skinned man observed this and then, seconds later, copied the reaction, vomiting a puddle of steaming green liquid onto the floor. He then looked to Doug and smiled, as if seeking his approval. "I made floor liquid" he said, still grinning widely. Doug wiped the remaining bile from his face and smiled weakly at the man. "Yes...yes you did" Doug said.

The man from the future then reached behind his back and pulled a gold, disc-shaped object from between his buttocks. He thumped the center of the disc and out sprang the upper part of a silk top hat. He passed the top hat to Doug. "I made you a top hat with my asshole" he said. "For the top of your head". Doug examined the silky gold hat as the man observed him, seemingly waiting for him to don the gift. "For the top of your head". he repeated anxiously. Doug hesitantly sniffed the hat and then placed it on his head. It was a perfect fit. The man from the future again reached behind his back and pulled a CD case from between his buttocks. He then handed the CD case to Doug. Doug read the title aloud. "The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band : Greatest Hits". The silver-skinned man smiled. "For your ears" he said.

Suddenly Mr. Albright arose from the floor in a rage. "What in the name of Sam Hill is going on here?!" He observed the swirling space/time vortex just beyond the wall of his classroom and then turned to face the strange man who'd stepped forth from the inter dimensional whirlwind. "You silver-skinned son of a bitch!" Albright shrieked, pulling a straight razor from his hip pocket. "I'm gonna slice you up like a Thanksgiving turkey!" he growled, charging at the stranger and waving his straight razor wildly. The silver-skinned visitor aimed his wobbling black dildo at the chemistry teacher and from the tip of the rubber penis shot forth a bright beam of blue lighting. The lightning struck Albright with tremendous force, and in a bizarre metamorphosis, transformed the chemistry teacher into a bronze statue of a minotaur. "For your bedroom" the silver-skinned sorcerer said with a grin.

The stranger stepped toward the vortex. "Beware the Kremlac. The eater of souls" he repeated
"I'm going back to the future to have some sex with my sexy, silver-skinned lady" he said and winked at Doug. "Then I'm going to shave her vagina" he added, saluting Doug and then stepping back into the time/space vortex.

In a flash of light the silver-skinned visitor vanished just as instantly as he'd appeared.

Hello Dear Readers

Hey there! Thanks for stopping by. It's been a while hasn't it? You've probably been wondering what I've been up to lately. Well here's a quick list to get you up to speed on the exciting things that I've been doing lately:

1.) Takin' it to the streets

2.) Stickin' it to the man

3.) Livin' in a rock and roll fantasy

4.) Chooglin' on down to New Orleans

5.) Workin' on the railroad

6.) Tellin' it like it is

7.) Lookin' for love in all the wrong places. Lookin' for love in too many faces

Oprah's 2011 Book Club Reading List

1.) "Grandpa Shlomo's Belated Bris" By Rabbi Moses Horowitz

2.) "Dildo Whittlin' With Daisy Mae Dixon" By Daisy Mae Dixon

3.) "Pappy's Poontang Pantry" By Dr. Dianne Roth, PHD

4.) "To Slander The Name Of Dickhead McShitpants" By Father Ben Hardy

5.) "Homo Dragnet" By Stringbean McCoy, D.D.S

6.) "Hambone Brings The Thunder" By Dugan Turnblatt

7.) "Dunston's Bowel Movement Paper Weight" By Judith Kingsley

8.) "Fuckface Shoves A Fish Stick Up His Ass" By Sister Margaret O'Day

9.) "Peepers The Gynecological Witch Doctor" By Elizabeth Dahl

10.) "Well Shit My Slacks! : The Doodles Popper Story" By Jackie Solomon

11.) "Touch My Wiener Of Love: A Story Of Recovery" By Dr. Kimberly Sampson

12.) "Bottoms Up! : A Guide To Enjoying Your Unsolicited Amateur Colonoscopy For The Chronic Alcoholic" By Bert Fassbinder

13.) "The Erotic Flatulence Handbook" By Dame Victoria Whitman

14.) "Holistic Sodomy" By Jane Franks And David Simon

15.) "When Clown Dicks Touch : A Memoir" By Former U.S. President George Bush, Sr.

16.) "Belching In The Face Of Christ" By Father Duncan Mahoney

17.) "Understanding Masturbation In The Workplace" By Nancy Friedman-Barnes

18.) "Standoff At Diarrhea Falls : A Smokey Kaufman Mystery" By Tex Hansen

19.) " Burning Buttholes And Sizzling Sphincters : Avoiding The Painful Pitfalls Of Anal Waxing And Bleaching" By Christopher Harrison

20.) "Tang! : The Exciting Saga Of The First Drink Mix In Space" By Leonard Fitts Jr.

21.) "Seize The Day And Cornhole It! : The Power Of Positive Thought" By Dr. Joyce Walters

22.) "Everyone's Guide To Carpet Munching" By Capt. Roland Hirschfeld