Instructions for use :
1.) Inflate celebrity of choice and slather with large dollop of Vaseline.
2.) Photograph phallic bachelorette party cake and send photo to neighbor of choice. Make sure to include threatening note with a second neighbor's name on envelope.
3.) Remove leeches from stay fresh pack and apply to area of rash on testicles.
4.) Mold raw hamburger into face of nemesis and add real human teeth and hair.
5.) Attempt to remove "White Power Sex Bitch" tattoo with Ajax cleanser and steel wool.
6.) Send self-penned, pornographic X Files fan fiction to Gillian Anderson with a request that she become your girlfriend. Make sure to include photo of yourself stark naked and furiously masturbating next to a full size cardboard stand up of Gillian. This will make her fall in love with you.
7.) Make lunch guest a revolting cup of tea using the same water you boiled hot dogs in.
8.) Admit to being sexually attracted to the rubber Sarah Palin mask that you wear when performing with your rock band, Sambo Taco Bender and The Chinks. Especially when singing your greatest hit "Gay Fer Don Knotts".
9.) Secretly video tape Grandpa admitting wartime atrocities.
10.) Add Sloppy Joe mix and enjoy.
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