A Monster In The Closet : The True Story

My friend Rick has a monster in his closet. You know those films like "Poltergeist"...or, well "Monster In The Closet" in which things like that happen? Well Rick literally has a monster in his closet. It's not alive, but that's hardly the point...he can say "I have a monster in my closet" in mixed company and he wouldn't be lying. A lot of people can't say that. True, a lot of people wouldn't want to say it but that isn't the point either. The point is that THE MAN HAS A MONSTER IN HIS CLOSET! When we finished the movie "Monsturd" we simply couldn't part with the gigantic costume that was ultimately sealed together as one gigantic piece, so it isn't so much a costume anymore as it is a grizzly hollow statue made of spray foam insulation. So technically I guess you would say that Rick has a "Monsturd" in his closet...which is a very strange thing to say, technically or otherwise. Isn't that and interesting story? No? Well then go fuck yourself. I thought it was fascinating and quite electrifying. If I had a monster in MY closet I would have my nephew and niece come visit and right before they took the Sleepytown train to Snoozeville I would open the closet and say.."Oh...by the way...don't be scared kids, but there's this monster in this closet...but don't worry...he's dead." Then I would turn out the lights and lock the bedroom door.

Hail To The King, Baby!

Tonight my friend Rick treated me to my Christmas present, the new Bruce Campbell movie : "My Name Is Bruce"...hosted by (Director/Actor) Bruce Campbell himself here in San Francisco at the Bridge Theater, and GODDAMN!!! The horror/comedy nerd in me is one happy movie geek tonight! Campbell's Q&A session with host (drag queen/movie geek/local celebrity) Peaches Christ had to be one the the most hilarious movie intros I've seen since Peaches' pre-movie Q&A session with "Godfather Of Gore", Herschell Gordon Lewis before last year's midnight showing of "The Wizard Of Gore". Campbell is laugh out loud funny and it was a very special moment to see the man "singing for his supper", on a cross country tour to pimp his self-deprecating comedy.

Me likes some Bruce Campbell and he did not disappoint in any way, shape or form. Not only was Campbell's intro hilarious, but the film was funnier than I had possibly hoped it would be after reading about it in this month's Fangoria magazine...and Jesus..right now I must sound like a twelve year old kid playing with Jason and Freddy dolls....but when I get to have such a special night out laughing that fucking hard...well I have certain, special reasons to geek-out over this crap. "My Name Is Bruce" was goddamn hilarious. This baby was sooooo up my alley! Gory..mostly cartoonish, sarcastic as Hell, heavy on the slapstick , crazy and surreal at times, and had wonderfully nutty dialogue : "You guys ready for some violence?...yeah!" The idea was clever and well-executed and a great treat for fans of Campbell as a total wise-cracking idiot. No one plays a wise-cracking, ego maniacal dipshit like Bruce Campbell, and in a movie tailor-made for his Evil Dead "Ash" persona that is as funny as this was...well let's just say I had no complaints. I give the man kudos not only for a fantastic evening but for directing and starring in a really funny movie. Sure, some jokes might be lost on folks not familiar with Campbell's body of work, but the story is still solid and very funny and sarcastic and sometimes mildy mean spirited in a very endearing way...and I do like my mean-spirited gags peppered in as seasoning...and there was plenty to satisfy my particular mean-spirited sweet tooth. Hail to the king , baby!

Oh Boy! A Box Of Free, Used, Sex Toys!

My electrifying personal posts on craigs list for this week:



Sexy Soul Mate Sought For Wax Figure Of Burt Reynolds - 38 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-961974469@craigslist.org?subject=Sexy%20Soulmate%20Sought%20For%20Wax%20Figure%20Of%20Burt%20Reynolds%20-%2038%20(potrero%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-12-17, 3:36PM PST

You know him from "The Longest Yard", "Smokey And The Bandit", "Boogie Nights" and "Cop and a Half"...yes ladies it's none other than sexy Burt Reynolds, rendered perfectly in wax and dressed in his authentic costume from "The Cannonball Run II". Burt is seeking a live woman to mate with so that he might spawn a race of half-wax children who will arise to conquer mankind in a bloody battle for survival. Needless to say, Burt is anatomically correct, just for this purpose. Now's your chance to make it with and honest-to-goodness, movie superstar rendered in wax! Come and mate with Burt!



I Found A Box Of Used Sex Toys Outside! Let's Explore The Wild Side! - 35 (portola district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-962003698@craigslist.org?subject=I%20Found%20A%20Box%20Of%20Used%20Sex%20Toys%20Outside!%20Let [?]Date: 2008-12-17, 4:01PM PST

They're awfully sticky but that's nothing a little pine sol and steel wool won't fix! There's a vast assortment of strange and exciting items here and best of all they were FREE! You can't beat a nice sexual bargain! That's what I say! Now all I need is a sexy lady to try out my new toys on! We'll pretend I am a humble, German Toymaker with a bushy, gray moustache and lederhosen...and I will say things such as "Oh, Ya...Now icht timen zat we try zis new zex toy on zah dolly lady, yay!". We'll have an erotic and highly-creative experience with our new collection of sex toys that I found in a greasy box sitting on the street outside my house!



Wealthy,Sugar Daddy Eaten By Scientist With Head Of House Fly - 38 (castro / upper market)
Reply to: mailto:pers-961810052@craigslist.org?subject=Wealthy,Sugar%20Daddy%20Eaten%20By%20Scientist%20With%20Head%20Of%20House%20Fly%20-%2038%20(castro%20/%20upper%20market) [?]Date: 2008-12-17, 1:26PM PST

Jerry Jiggles liked his ladies loose...like rubber...floppy and squishy. He liked to fondle them, his hands dripping with salad dressing, his underwear full of Vaseline and gummi bears. Sometimes he would wear his hat made of dead fish and cry out "WIIIIIINKKKKIIEEEEE WWOOOOOOOOO WWOOOOOOOOO!". Then he would pretend to plant a magical pickle tree that granted wishes. Every night was a sex-drenched party at Jerry Jiggles place. There was free chili and lots of Ernest and Julio Gallo Chablis to drink. Everyone was happy and sexually satisfied. Sometimes they would all go out for delicious fried chicken



Alone Tonight? Bored? Let's Try Out My New Sex Coffin! - 36 (richmond / seacliff)
Reply to: mailto:pers-961850305@craigslist.org?subject=Alone%20Tonight%3f%20Bored%3f%20Let [?]Date: 2008-12-17, 1:56PM PST

Holy crap! Uncle Happy's eaten all the candy we were saving to lure the children into the maze of horrors! That crazy old bastard and his damn sweet tooth! It isn't enough that he got feces all over the walls of the make-shift operating room during the amateur autopsy competition, he has to go and eat up all the sweet and delicious, tempting candy! It took me two days to restore the lemon-fresh scent to the make-shift operating room after his fecal-themed antics and I don't want him let out of the attic again unless that nosy social worker comes sniffing around. He gets into too much mischief. Put him back in his harness and make sure the mouth piece on the head restraint is zipped shut



Enraged Man-Child Rubs Chewing Gum In Elderly Woman's Hair - 36 (SOMA / south beach)
Reply to: mailto:pers-961911888@craigslist.org?subject=Enraged%20Man-Child%20Rubs%20Chewing%20Gum%20In%20Elderly%20Woman [?]Date: 2008-12-17, 2:44PM PST

Bobby does tend to get bent out of shape when he doesn't get his way. Why only today he was posting ads on craigs list about wanting to gently nurse women's breasts when his request for "More Ovaltine please" was denied by the grand dragon master of the black council of Yargon. Fueled by an infantile sense of entitlement he flew into a rage, attacking his elderly caregiver with a fist full of soggy, sticky Bubble Yum brand bubble gum. His geriatric nursemaid was able to free herself from her furious charge by stabbing him in the gut with a fingernail file, sending him to the ground screaming like an overgrown infant. It was an ugly scene and we're all delighted that we happened to be video taping the altercation to post on You Tube.



Clairvoyant Poultry Farmer In Sexy ,Tight, Silk Shorts, LTR - 35 (downtown / civic / van ness)
Reply to: mailto:pers-961947590@craigslist.org?subject=Clairvoyant%20Poultry%20Farmer%20In%20Sexy%20,Tight,%20Silk%20%20Shorts,%20LTR%20-%2035%20(downtown%20/%20civic%20/%20van%20ness) [?]Date: 2008-12-17, 3:13PM PST

Duncan Johnson wanted to be thought of by all the sexy foxes as "Mr. Firehose Wiener Man Of Sexual Intrigue and Erotic Adventure"....he even had this self-appointed nickname tattooed across his wide, sweaty, pimple-covered buttocks. He also made himself a large, cardboard top hat which boasted a sign on the front announcing his nickname spelled out in gold glitter like some kind of hat billboard. He would frequent the funky disco, boogieing down to the crazy disco beat....his gold, silky shorts rubbing coyly against random women who would back away in terror and disgust. Duncan loved him some ladies at the funky disco! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Sticky Underwear Man Goin' Boob Jugglin' On The Flipside?

Well, my craigs list personal ads for this week might get me a brand new straight jacket! I posted so many I tapped out both email accounts and couldn't post anymore of these delightful entries. I couldn't even post the last entry here, but I include it to salvage the gag and will post it later when the craigs list posting police aren't hot on my trail. These are a bit weird even for me.


Rat Bag Jackson's Goin' Shrimpin' With His Love Shack Baby Momma! - 35 (noe valley)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955290415@craigslist.org?subject=Rat%20Bag%20Jackson [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 10:17AM PST

When I think of you I like to wear my "special" underpants...the electric ones..that came with a miner's helmet and gas mask. Baby your'e the tops and I'm not just saying that because your boobs float. I'm saying that because, per your request, I have changed my name to Klingon Fudgepacker Jackson and the Magic Donkey Licker...and that's quite a mouthful...especially when taken literally.

Gentle Jay Leno Impersonator Wants To Give Oven Mitt Breast Massage - 36 (lower nob hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-952442136@craigslist.org?subject=Gentle%20Jay%20Leno%20Impersonator%20Wants%20To%20Give%20Oven%20Mit%20Breast%20Massage%20-%2036%20(lower%20nob%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-12-10, 8:00AM PST

Hold on to your hats, all you foxy chicks! Cause Barney Duncan is in da house! Yo yo yo! Who wants a buttermilk enema? With friends like me who needs enemas? (Rim shot) Watch in horror as I drink and entire industrial size can of British gravy! Who left all these finger puppets all over the bathroom floor? Clickity click go my wooden shoes! Here, let me rub up against you. Nice lady!

Slappy Booby's Goin' All Sticky On the Chicken Sex Love Junkie Mummy! - 42 (downtown / civic / van ness)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955309973@craigslist.org?subject=Slappy%20Booby [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 10:30AM PST

Moo Moo cows dance in the evening starlight as Willie takes his human hair pants to the dry cleaner and buys Lonnie a tin a of sex wax. Ah how the chickens have grown...almost ready to leave the farm wearing human clothes, pretending they can speak english...Grandma would like more choclate chip cookies and Rolo needs a diaper changin'...just make sure to wear the oven mitts and saftey headgear...he'll fight you and you better be prepared to take a few punches to the head. Don't forget to walk the dogs, and make sure they do it upright this time, not on all fours the like the commoners...we are blue bloods after all, Rothchild, not crafted of the normal clay of the earth but of Play Dough, our limbs sewn on with thick red yard.


Kickass Juicy Tailor-Made Love God Is Finger-Lickin' Sexy With Mayo! - 37 (bernal heights)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955336963@craigslist.org?subject=Kickass%20Juicy%20Tailor-Made%20Love%20God%20Is%20Finger-Lickin [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 10:48AM PST

Woooooooooooooo! Since I came along everythang just got a little sexier! Even common dirt be lookin' sexay with Jackson in the mix, baby! Yo yo yo! Wazzzzappp?? Ya'll be lookin' fine, girl...like a sexy thang gone all sexy like and shit! WOOOOOOOO! Ya'll be jugglin' some serious breast midgets in the moonlight with a magic potato in the pants. Sinbad the Sailor gonna spank that bouncy ass! Let's get jiggy in da popeye, midwarp chocolate love mobile! I'll call you Larry McBride III and you just call me , Mr. Sexy Thang Goin all sexual in the love judgemnent trial of the century! After makin' some sweet love we'll go grave-robbing and get some ice cream.


Sticky Underwear Man Goin' Boob Juggling On The Flipside! Woop! Woop! - 36 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955368452@craigslist.org?subject=Sticky%20Underwear%20Man%20Goin [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 11:07AM PST

Sammy liked radishes....he made them into little people...tiny radish-headed friends with barbie doll bodies that he could trust to keep his foul and dark secrets safe. Sometimes he would make them do the fancy pants dance...this involved classical music and evening clothes. When the voices came Sammy would scream in terror...warding the sex demons off with a crucifix and photograph of celebrity impersonator Rich Little. He knew the voices came from Chicky, the waitress at the Cup O' Coffee diner...she looked like a melted circus clown and was a chain smoker...she smelled of slow death and chewing gum.


Wally's New Magical Toilet Brush Wand Makes Sex Sexy Again! - 36 (SOMA / south beach)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955464489@craigslist.org?subject=Wally [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 12:09PM PST

Shazam! Bibbity Boppity Boo! Hocus Pocus! Dem some good Cajun Shrimp, boy, you gonna say IIIIIEEEEEHHHHHH! See the funny robot do his funny robot dance! Press his buttons, he poops ice cream. At least I hope it's ice cream...the kids have been eating tons of it. Slap Happy Pappy's a goin' down to the general store to buy the children their pipe tobacco. They shouldn't be eating so much of it but they are spoiled...literally...the smell is god-awful.


Shiny Penny Man Gives Reward To Foxy Ladies Of Sex! Act Now! - 36 (west portal / forest hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955493396@craigslist.org?subject=Shiny%20Penny%20Man%20Gives%20Reward%20To%20Foxy%20Ladies%20Of%20Sex!%20Act%20Now!%20-%2036%20(west%20portal%20/%20forest%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 12:28PM PST

Wendel liked to pretend he was a Swedish....we would speak in a funny accent and wear his funny Swedish outfit...paging through his large volumes of erotica. He would say "Hello Dere, I am Svedish, ya?" "I like-a da nice-a pizza-pie-a" Then the children would dance and sing and rub salad oil into Uncle Frank's leg wound. It made the flesh taste better. Sometimes Arnie was jealous of Wendel's ability to become another nationality, he would hide in his bedroom and do strange things to Wendel's socks. Wendel often wondered why they were so sticky


Doodles Johnson Offers Sensual Salad Oil Massage With Benefits! - 35 (haight ashbury)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955572007@craigslist.org?subject=Doodles%20Johnson%20Offers%20Sensual%20Salad%20Oil%20Massage%20With%20Benefits!%20-%2035%20(haight%20ashbury) [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 1:23PM PST

Twinkle twinkle little star, I like to carry moonbeams in a jar...also human fingers and noses. I collect them...for my secret body part museum/lime pit. Do you like my red wig? I got it at an after Halloween sale for 1/2 price. It makes me look like Annie. The sun'll come ouuuuut TOMORROW! Bet your bottom dollar that Tomorrow they'll be...something....I also got some vampire fangs for biting buttocks! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Let's make sweet love...or pancakes...either is fine. Do you like apple sauce? This cat looks alive but it's really full of sawdust...it's a fake cat I made out of a real one.


This Bady Doll Punching Bag Is Certain To Get Johhny A New Female Mate - 37 (portola district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955597739@craigslist.org?subject=This%20Bady%20Doll%20Punching%20Bag%20Is%20Certain%20To%20Get%20Johhny%20A%20New%20Female%20Mate%20-%2037%20(portola%20district) [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 1:41PM PST

There are certain truths in life that one must face :

1.) Homosexuals are not made of cottage cheese
2.) These brownies taste funny and make me keep going to the bathroom
3.) This new pimp hat is stone cold fresh!
4.) If you eat rubber latex it's easy to create novety store doggie poo
5.) This astronaut costume is out of this world!
6.) painting your house with chocolate syrup is a really bad idea
7.) This bicycle pump is keeping Grandma alive
8.) It's nice to be wanted, unless it's by the law
9.) Wooden shoes are better than wooden pants if you have to make a choice
10.) Tootsie rolls make a nice cigarette holder


We Can Make Sex In My Closet Wearing Powdered Wigs and Fake Beards! - 36 (financial district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955632704@craigslist.org?subject=We%20Can%20Make%20Sex%20In%20My%20Closet%20Wearing%20Powdered%20Wigs%20and%20Fake%20Beards!%20-%2036%20(financial%20district) [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 2:06PM PST

Honey is sweet, sugar is sweeter, hand me Grandma's cane so I can go beat her. Rose are red, violets are blue, you're stuck to that chair, 'cause it's covered in glue! Clowns are for clowning and cowboys ride horses, how do we fend off these magical forces? My name is ugly and your name is stupid, both hit in the ass by an arrow from Cupid. These underpants are all covered in shit, you did that on purpose while throwing your fit. We'll have to wash them to get out the stains, but until that time comes I will keep you in chains. This is my werewolf, his name is Barry, when the full moon rises he gets really scary


Man With Slimy Green Skin Wants To Lick Your Face - 37 (lower nob hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-955704188@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20With%20Slimy%20Green%20Skin%20Wants%20To%20Lick%20Your%20Face%20-%2037%20(lower%20nob%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 3:00PM PST

Then, as the sun set on the piles of dead children, Jackie licked his wounds clean and covered them in Flintstones band aids. The Kindergarten uprising had been thwarted, and Jackie was triumphant once more. To think of the horrors of a town run by children....not even really smart alien children with glowing eyes...just regular old bed-wetting, nose-picking brats. It made Jackie shiver. They had come at him with small left-handed scissors and rocks, but he had beaten them...with his pitch fork and bull whip. Good thing he had dressed as Elvis Presley this morning...any witnesses would report the King had done the dirty work. Now Jackie would seek to satisfy his sweet tooth with a delicious Mr. Pibb.


Wine, Good Food, Conversation, Killing Chickens, Mustard (nob hill)
Reply to: your anonymous craigslist address will appear here [?]Date: 2008-12-12, 3:29PM PST

Let's have an obscene pumpkin carving contest. Whoever wins gets to punch the loser really hard in the face! Then we'll perform a panty raid at the assisted living center! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Who likes to party? Kooky is the word for our behavior! Just plain kooky! Quick give me that whip cream! Underwear just doesn't taste that good without plenty of whip cream! Do you like my Captain Crunch uniform? We'll pretend my waterbed is my ship...and I'll command you to perform unspeakable sex acts with an inflatable punching bag and a box of raisins! Ahoy matey!

Sex Booty Space Ship?

My craigs list personal ads for this week really suck...

Kickin' It Wiff Da Playa In Da Toilet Room Wiff Da Sex Booty Spaceship - 38 (castro / upper market)
Reply to: mailto:pers-951632548@craigslist.org?subject=Kickin [?]Date: 2008-12-09, 2:05PM PST

Hello all of you sexy "hoes"...permit me to introduce myself. I am Reginald Wilkinson-Attwater, a distinguished, successful gentleman who favors the finer things in life :

1.) A phat booty

2.) Red Man Chewing Tobacco

3.) Country Club malt liquor

4.) Rolaids

5.) Amodium A.D.

6.) Fruit roll ups

7.) The International Male catalog

8.) A Velvet Led Zeppelin poster

9.) Gasoline

10.) A green bowler hat that says "Happy Saint Paddy's Day!

11.) silky clown pants

12.) A funky beat you can get down and boogie to

13.) leather underwear

14.) A ceramic mule mounted by a small Hispanic man in a sombrero

15.) Honey Nut Cheerios

16.) Sexual Ecstasy

17.) Booty lotion

18.) A Lord Of The Rings DVD box set with 5 hours of extras

19.) Titties

20.) A Jason Vorhees tattoo on a woman's ass

21.) A nice neck brace



Crazy man dressed in plastic armor proclaims he's "Trojan Man". - 39 (haight ashbury)
Reply to: mailto:pers-951770108@craigslist.org?subject=Crazy%20man%20dressed%20in%20plastic%20armor%20proclaims%20he [?]Date: 2008-12-09, 3:45PM PST


Gimpy was saddened by the loss of Grandma "Dynamite" Jackson, keeper of the vile secrets of Fu Manchu and ghost writer of the Jerry Lewis biography: "Nice Lady! Hoivin and the Shoilgelmin Things". Gimpy wished to entice the sexy ladies to share his bed by attempting to convince them he was a Hugh Hefner-like millionaire publisher, showing them "photos" from his magazine publication "The Boobytown Time Follies"...which was really only a Hanna Montanna coloring book with breasts and vaginas crudely scribbled over the pictures in purple crayon. Then he would offer them a glass of grape juice, saying it was a fine Merlot. Then Gimpy would remove his underpants and perform what he had titled "The weenie waggin' dancey-doo"

Man in Ballerina Dress seeks Woman in Nutcracker Costume to Bite Nuts - 37 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-951820393@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20in%20Balleria%20Dress%20seeks%20Woman%20in%20Nutcracker%20Costume%20to%20Bite%20Nuts%20-%2037%20(potrero%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-12-09, 4:26PM PST


Oh lordy lordy! Sambooki's had another juggling mishap! That makes a total of twelve dead infants now! It's a tragedy of epic proportions...like the time we tried to turn that homeless guy into a werewolf by crazy gluing hair all over his body! Oh holy cow! What will Grampa think? We didn't even get him his magic top hat from the cellar...the one filled with colorful condoms and dirty playing cards...I just couldn't bare to try to get passed Grandma....ever since we've chained her down there she's be truly nasty...yesterday she tried to trick me by wearing a Charlie Chaplin costume...then she attacked...just when I was going to ask for her autograph! She beat me about the face and head with her bamboo cane and tried to force me to eat her false moustache

Attention Ladies! It's Captain Jiggles The Government Boob Inspector! - 37 (portola district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-951843599@craigslist.org?subject=Attention%20Ladies!%20It [?]Date: 2008-12-09, 4:45PM PST


Howdy Partner! Lets begin with my requirements for the evening shall we?



1.) A panty-droppin'good time!

2.) Boob jugglin'

3.) Butt kissin' and squeezin'

4.) A shreddin' guitar lick

5.) Humpin' N Bumpin'

6.) Ominous Pipe Organ Music

7.) A Bowl of tasty skittles

8.) A DVD of "The New Adventures of Pippy Longstockings"

9.) A Ron Howard mask

10.) Ice tongs

11.) A shitload of condoms

12.)A "Disco Duck" t-shirt

13.) Four changes of underwear

14.) Mint Jelly

15.) a first aid kit

Tears Of A Clown

I was walking to work yesterday after getting my morning coffee when I came upon what looked to be a stolen, rifled-through suit case which appeared to have belonged to a clown..at least that's what the three, scattered rainbow-colored wigs and colorful clothes would imply. What an odd thing to run across on a Monday morning. Imagine how stupid the thief must have felt. Poor Bobo...or whatever the fuck the unfortunate clown's name was. He probably lost his grease paint and red nose in the theft...as I didn't see them in the pile...maybe I'll see some homeless guy wearing a little, red, bowler hat and polka dot bow tie sometime soon. I can stop and point my finger at him and hiss like in "Invasion Of The Body Snatchers"...then I'll give the dire warning "Bobo knows what you did! Bobo will show no mercy when he haunts your liquor-soaked night terrors! Beware...beware". Or maybe some crack head just found the wigs in a garbage can after Halloween...but I like my version better..my Criterion Collection Bobo The Clown version

Ho Ho Holy Shit! Santa has a fucking axe!

Well it's that time of year again! Time to clean the blood stains off of your Santa Claus costume and sharpen up the axe! You can choose from a vast assortment of yule tide bloodbaths this season to fill you with holiday cheer, but it goes without saying that "Silent Night Deadly Night" is usually on the tippy top of my list for December viewing, if only because outraged parents got their panties in such a bunch upon its initial theatrical release. This movie really pissed a lot of people off. As an exercise in poor taste it remains priceless. You had to be a real asshole to make something like this...in fact I wish I had made this movie! It's that good(mean-spirited)!

May I also suggest the completely wacko, "Silent Night Deadly Night Part 5 : The Toy Maker", starring Mickey Rooney (!???). I assure you it's a totally insane holiday shitfest that will bring forth much ho ho ho-larity. Featuring an adult actor playing some kind of perverted, homicidal take off on Pinocchio...named "Pino"...with his "father" (Rooney) being aptly named "Joe Petto" . Get it? Man that stings!

If you'd actually like to have the crap scared out of you this holiday season, try Bob Clark's original "Black Christmas" or "Child's Play". There is really no shortage of ways to offend the Christmas enthusiast within. You might start with John Water's "Female Trouble" and then follow that with a chaser of "Tales From The Crypt" (1972) and "Christmas Evil". The world's your oyster on this one folks! Slay bells ring! are ya listenin'?

The Case Of The Murderous Bloodbath!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

I've got a golden (shower) ticket!

As we stood at the entrance to the headquarters of Kink.com on Mission Street in San Francisco awaiting the free, monthly, one night tour, my friend Rick, his work friend Natalie and I imagined being greeted by a host resembling Willie Wonka crossed with Marilyn Manson..some eccentric, cross dressing deviant in a top hat and women's lingerie wearing fishnet stockings. Rick joked about the sights we'd see on this most magical tour, announcing, in his best tour guide voice, "Now if you'll just step this way, here we have "The Gimp Room". Oh how we laughed and tittered and chuckled and guffawed, imagining the phantasmagorical and perverse adventure that awaited us within the foreboding building that used to be an armory housing the National Guard in the early 1900's. The building had been neglected for several years until the founder of the Kink.com S&M porn website purchased it for a song 3 years ago.

The building itself resembles a castle straight out of an old Hammer horror film and seems a bit lonely not being surrounded by angry villagers waving pitch forks and torches at its base. The main difference now being that I doubt Dr. Frankenstein would have proudly raised a rainbow flag above his castle....even if he was being directed by James Whale. We went there thinking we might be able to talk someone into letting us possibly shoot inside the building...you know, kinky location scouting.

Weelllll...our host wasn't exactly a cross-dressing Willie Wonka, just a very business-like young woman who ignored the boisterous laughter during certain parts of the tour with a very straight face.

The interior was not the labyrinthine Frankenstein set I had imagined...it was simply a massive structure converted into a sort of movie studio with some rather impressive sets...but mostly it was just an old, neglected military building that had now been fashioned to suit the bondage-driven content of Kink.com, with sets fashioned around the old structure and now adorned with plenty of chains and beds and rather simple set dressings. Impressive, but not the mind-blowing burst of hilarity I'd half expected. There was a padded cell set with an adjoining one-way mirror observation room...outside of which sat a prop table displaying numerous, rather sinister-looking bits of bondage gear.

One set had a hole fashioned in the floor with a closing metal frame which, we were told, was for placing an actress' head in so that her rear end stood up in the air in the opposite direction...hmmmmm. Whatever floats yer boat, Jimmy!

To our delight, following Rick's impromptu tour guide ad-libs before we began, we entered a room that resembled something out of Clive Barker's film "Hellraiser", which the tour guide informed us was actually known as "The Gimp Room"...which prompted me to laugh out loud before anyone else did, which somehow felt slightly inappropriate and embarrassing, as Rick hadn't yet entered and was outside in the hall snapping pictures of some kind of horrifically-perverse torture device, fashioned to cage a person on all fours for God knows what nefarious purpose.

The highpoint of this Wednesday night excursion was hearing the tour guide actually say these words: "We ask that no one touch any of the machines in the "Fuck Machine Room" because they've all been sanitized". Hey...no argument there. After being introduced to a robot called "Fuckzilla" and its new appendage the "Chick Lick"...a chainsaw blade re-fashioned and now adorned with soft rubber tongues...I had really no desire to touch anything in the "Fuck Machine Room"...but I was thankful I had hand sanitizer in my coat pocket....as I felt I too might need to be sanitized after the tour.

Who doesn't find Herman Munster sexually attractive?

Since I am now editing my book I will neglect this blog like a despised stepchild who cowers under a staircase for fear of another severe beating from The Nazi Clown Daddy Cult Leader! Bad Bobby! You get hit now! However for anyone who reads this ridiculous collection of crap I will post my Craig's list personal ads that I seem to provide on a crack addiction-like basis. Here are my charming posts for this week:

Wine, Cuddling, Duct Tape, Package Of Hot Dogs, Herman Munster Mask - 37 (haight ashbury)
Reply to: mailto:pers-919269131@craigslist.org?subject=Wine,%20Cuddling,%20Duct%20Tape,%20Package%20Of%20Hot%20Dogs,%20Herman%20Munster%20Mask%20-%2037%20(haight%20ashbury) [?]Date: 2008-11-14, 1:22PM PST

Hey there all you sassy, sexy ladies! Bobby boy is lookin' fer love! Love and perhaps a nice sack of onions to beat my sex clown with. His name is Toot Toot. Toot Toot the sex clown. His horn goes "honk honk" when I touch your boobs! Just like in that movie with Matt Damon as the Hilary Clinton impersonator! Do you like pudding? Boy boy sure likes it! It's practically all I eat! That's why I have these delightful removable teeth! It's like a super power! Magic teeth Come out of skull NOW! Poof! Just like a David Copperfield illusion but with my teeth!


Bad Boy Can't Be Tamed, But Can Be Run Over And Killed With Car - 36 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-919288344@craigslist.org?subject=Bad%20Boy%20Can [?]Date: 2008-11-14, 1:36PM PST

Yo Yo Yo Pookie! WAZZZZZZZZAAAPPPPP?????! It's Ralphie the baby doll juggler and green party presidential candidate! Ralphie is afraid of scary ghosts, but loves him some hot ladies in the sack, Jackson! WOOOOOOOO!!!!! Ralphie likes to buy ladies special gifts from the underwear store! Don't mind Ralphie's hunchback....it's not really even his...he followed Ralphie home one night and Ralphie gave him some delicious chocolate chip cookies. Ralphie is very talented sexually and artistically...look he just painted a nice painting of a young and handsome Burt Reynolds as he appeared in the film "Gator"! Come share a blanket with Ralphie


Let's Have Beers And Vomit On Each Other During Sex! - 35 (castro / upper market)
Reply to: mailto:pers-919310907@craigslist.org?subject=Let [?]Date: 2008-11-14, 1:51PM PST

Hello there. My Name is Bradford Wallace. I am a successful importer of fine, Chinese dragon bongs. I am recently divorced from my evil shrew of a bitch wife..may she rot in Hell for eternity while hoards of demons shove bowling trophies up her pimpled ass! Whore!...Anyway...lets say the wounds are still festering like burst, puss-oozing boils. I am an attractive single man looking to pamper a young, beautiful girl dressed in a catholic school girl outfit. I will spank your supple bottom while wearing my plastic crown and rubber Jimmy Durante nose..."AAAAAHHH Cha cha cha! I got a million of 'em!". My great Jimmy Durante impression probably fails to translate in type...but I assure you it is quite authentic...everyone in the mail room at my import company finds it to be quite the laugh riot.

I am afraid of certain types of fish and like blueberries on my pancakes, FYI.



New to The City, Like To Dress Like Carol Channing, Nurse Breasts - 37 (west portal / forest hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-919324953@craigslist.org?subject=New%20to%20The%20City,%20Like%20To%20Dress%20Like%20Carol%20Channing,%20Nurse%20Breasts%20-%2037%20(west%20portal%20/%20forest%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-11-14, 2:01PM PST

Hey let's get together and watch my new DVD of "The Care Bears Movie". We'll dress in pajamas and have a pillow fight...but we'll put bricks inside the pillow cases so they'll actually hurt! We'll pop up some popcorn and wear aluminum foil hats to keep the weird voices away. You can tie me to a chair and punch me in the face while I do things to myself with mustard. Then I'll call you "The Great Poontang Warrior Princess"! God we're going to have fun , baby! I've got this weird-looking elf doll I can shove up your butt while you sing "Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead"!



Gynecologist In Clown Nose Nicknames Self Snatch Adams - 38 (financial district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-919529273@craigslist.org?subject=Gynecologist%20In%20Clown%20Nose%20Nicknames%20Self%20Snatch%20Adams%20-%2038%20(financial%20district) [?]Date: 2008-11-14, 4:43PM PST

Hoo ha! Honk Honk! Show me the funny! Ho ho ho ho...hee hee hee hee! I'm a funny gynecologist clown! Woooo wooooo! How 'bout a little sexual healing from Dr. Adams?! Woo woo woo! Nyuck nyuck! Look I'm riding a unicycle around the examination room! Woooooo! Beep beep!



Distinguished, Tasteful Gentleman Seeks Female Fart Machine - 42 (downtown / civic / van ness)
Reply to: mailto:pers-919541983@craigslist.org?subject=Distinguished,%20Tasteful%20Gentleman%20Seeks%20Female%20Fart%20Machine%20-%2042%20(downtown%20/%20civic%20/%20van%20ness) [?]Date: 2008-11-14, 4:56PM PST

William Jameson III is seeking that special naughty someone...the kind of someone who likes to dress up like a wizard and throw knives at me while I hang upside down in my vampire bat costume! The sky's the limit, Baby! We'll make sandwiches with live scorpions in them and force feed each other! We'll smoke corn cob pipes and wear hillbilly costumes during sex!

Polyamorous Ice Cream Men seeks Female Sex Giant - 35 (hayes valley)
Reply to: mailto:pers-919622218@craigslist.org?subject=Polyamorous%20Ice%20Cream%20Men%20seeks%20Female%20Sex%20Giant%20-%2035%20(hayes%20valley) [?]Date: 2008-11-14, 6:13PM PST

Jackie the ice cream man likes 'em tall! Like Frankenstein's monster tall. Needless to say we can share all of the delicious ice cream you desire...in all the flavors of the rainbow! Even rainbow flavor! You should try a double dip covered with plastic ants! Woo Doggie thems good eats! Or a triple pop double chocolate deluxe space bar with a plastic cockroach in the center. Do you like rubber snakes? I like to braid them into my filthy dreadlocks. I'm a little weird but really sexy! Sexy like a fox! Or like Sandy Duncan in those old Triscuits commercials...man what a babe! Lets eat some ice cream and screw, you big beautiful vision of Jack And The Beanstalk sexiness! In fact I even have a fake beanstalk in my bedroom that I like to climb before delightfully delicious, melted ice cream-soaked sexual intercourse


Paco Having Many Sex With Doll Shaped Like Rubber Lady! - 36 (mission district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-919633885@craigslist.org?subject=Paco%20Having%20Many%20Sex%20With%20Doll%20Shaped%20Like%20Rubber%20Lady!%20-%2036%20(mission%20district) [?]Date: 2008-11-14, 6:26PM PST

Paco having many practice with inflatable lady of rubber for to practice for many sex with all the sexist ladies! Paco practicing many positions of love for the cha cha cha of making sex with beautiful ladies of love! Paco preparing himself for to be champion of sex for many hours of making love juice with sexist ladies of love! Paco thinks he may have invented new position with rubber lady for to try with real woman not made of rubber! Produce many organisms in new position of love! Paco very happy he may win trophy wife of sex with Paco after many practice with rubber lady of sex!

Alan and Karl are ready to have sex with ladies now

More additions to my obsession with posting stupid Craig's list personal ads for this week:

Alan And Karl are ready to have sex with ladies now! - 37 (lower nob hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-909906813@craigslist.org?subject=Alan%20And%20Karl%20are%20ready%20to%20have%20sex%20with%20ladies%20now!%20-%2037%20(lower%20nob%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-11-07, 1:21PM PST

Hello sexy ladies! My brother and I have finally decided it was time to leave the sideshow and hop in the sack with some foxy babes! Karl and I are twice the package of any "normally-shaped" man. And Karl is quite the sex machine once he gets warmed up with smelling salts and sugar. I'm the more tender and sensitive of the two...literally...my skin is tender and sensitive due to a rare condition and I break out in a horrible rash if mishandled, so my half of the love making with require a soft touch. Though we share a spine, we are both "anatomically correct"...well...sort of...I mean we both have sexual organs. So if you're up for a unique experience...why not try Karl and Alan?!


Man in Burger King Mask wants to give you his Whopper - 35 (financial district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-909920985@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20in%20Burger%20King%20Mask%20wants%20to%20give%20you%20his%20Whopper%20-%2035%20(financial%20district) [?]Date: 2008-11-07, 1:34PM PST

Man I loves the ladies! They call me "The King"...and for a very good reason...I wear a plastic Burger King Mask...all the time...that's where my nickname comes from. It's hard to see out of but it hides my acne and the "dental mishap". I am ALL MAN! literally...if you took a blood sample or tissue sample I could verify this fact. I want to make sweet love you you with my real body and over-sized plastic head. Afterwards we can watch my favorite film "Snow White and the Three Stooges" and order a pizza. I'm really flexible...almost like a rubber man...like the guy from Fantastic Four....or that old cartoon, "Plastic Man".


Paco buy Chevy Van Of Love for making sex on bed of water! - 36 (mission district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-909934554@craigslist.org?subject=Paco%20buy%20Chevy%20Van%20Of%20Love%20for%20making%20sex%20on%20bed%20of%20water!%20%20-%2036%20(mission%20district) [?]Date: 2008-11-07, 1:43PM PST

Paco has bought for the new Chevy Van of Love for to making sex on bed of Water! Paco's Bed Of water is soft like skin and making for love to all the sexist ladies. Many shag carpet and tiger skin in Paco's Chevy Van Of Love for the ladies to lay on in sex underwear for the cha cha cha! All the sexist ladies love Paco's Chevy Van of Love.


Foot Fetish Seeks Hot Girl In Clown Shoes/Frankenstein Monster Boots - 35 (castro / upper market)
Reply to: mailto:pers-909954518@craigslist.org?subject=Foot%20Fetsh%20Seeks%20Hot%20Girl%20In%20Clown%20Shoes/Frankenstein%20Monster%20Boots%20-%2035%20(castro%20/%20upper%20market) [?]Date: 2008-11-07, 1:57PM PST

Well hold the phone, Jimmy! It's one a them Craig's list personal ads! WOOOOO WEEEEE! Damn this is great! I gots my own personal ad! Just like on television...or in the movies...when they post personal ads! Like that movie about some hairy girl named Sally...maybe she went on the Craig's list to get some guy with a hairy woman fetish! Me I like them big ole Frankenstein shoes! I like a hottie in them Herman Munster shoes walkin' around all sexy and shit! WOOOOOOO WEEEEEE! Or a hot babe in clown shoes...squeezing a bicycle horn and wearing a red clown nose! Man that's hot! WOOOOOO WEEEEEEE!!!! Maybe a nice rocker girl in KISS boots with dragons on 'em! WOOOOOO WEEEEEEEEE!!!



Discreet Alien Gentleman Seeks Sexy Lady To Re-Populate Planet - 106 (haight ashbury)
Reply to: mailto:pers-910159286@craigslist.org?subject=Discreet%20Alien%20Gentleman%20Seeks%20Sexy%20Lady%20To%20Re-Populate%20Planet%20-%20106%20(haight%20ashbury) [?]Date: 2008-11-07, 4:44PM PST

Greeting sexy ladies of planet Earth. I am Zordock 12 of the Grablock Nebula. I seek a naughty,naked nympho with an open mind for an intergalactic breeding arrangement...and when I say open mind...I mean REALLY open. Our breeding methods may frighten the people of Earth, but I assure you, once we get into the swing of things, as you Earth people like to say...you will quite enjoy getting your freak on with Zordock 12. I am considered quite good looking on my home planet...but might frighten the sexy Earth Ladies if they are not prepared for my "stats"

Nine feet ten inches tall 275 pounds of love

Green skin with yellow stripes

Glowing red eyes of passion

enormous private parts with soft spikes protruding

Purple hair.

sharp, black teeth.

I am not looking for a serious relationship...I only wish to re-populate my planet through breeding with a sexy Earth Lady with big bouncy Earth Boobs of delight. Lets hook up for some Revulkian ale and a passionate exchange of fluids

Weird Uncle Dickie Posts Bizarre Personal Ad About Nursing Breasts - 43 (noe valley)
Reply to: mailto:pers-910269718@craigslist.org?subject=Weird%20Uncle%20Dickie%20Posts%20Bizarre%20Personal%20Ad%20About%20Nursing%20Breasts%20-%2043%20(noe%20valley) [?]Date: 2008-11-07, 6:37PM PST

You'll have to excuse poor, Uncle Dickie ladies...he is not at all well...dementia as well as a breast fetish, you see...plus he's always just been rather creepy. Never could keep his sticky, bony hands to himself. Always pawing at boobies, breasts and ta-tas. Always did love melons, jugs and titays. Senility and a breast fixation have prompted him to dress up like Popeye The Sailor Man and post several ads about how he wants to "Gently Nurse You". He's always been the black sheep of the family...sometimes even dressing up in a black sheep costume to post his strange breast-related personal ads about suckin' hooters, gazongas and flubbery floppers. Once we even caught him dressed as Mae West sporting a pair of rubber Halloween prop breasts dancing about to the tunes of Whitesnake and had to sedate the poor fellow. It's sad really. We're not even certain how he keeps wriggling out of the leather wrist and ankle restraints attached to his bed frame in the damp attic. We were hoping the damp and mold would finally put an end to his suffering...but he seems all too resilient for such a frail son of a bitch. But not to worry...I have knocked him out cold with a marble ash tray tonight...so there won't be anymore boobie postings for the time it will take him to recover .

Ernest Saves Craig's List

Even more of my idiotic Craig's List personal postings for today...it was making me laugh so I kept doing it...it's a compulsion!

Man In Abe Lincoln Costume Wishes To Emancipate You From Sexual Boredom - 41 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-898546112@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20In%20Abe%20Lincoln%20Costume%20Wishes%20To%20Emancipate%20You%20Of%20Sexual%20Boredom%20-%2041%20(potrero%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-10-29, 3:19PM PDT

Four score and seven dates ago I freed a lovely lady of her binding virginity. It was an expansive gesture on my part and now Honest Abe is willing to go the extra mile for another lucky lady. Yes, girls, ask yourself...who is sexier than Abe Lincoln?...With my chin beard, mole and stove pipe hat. Certainly not that homo George Washington. Yes, Andrew Jackson has a nice head of hair, but he's a total dickwad. Grant's an drunk and Taft is a transvestite. What better way to spend a night of sexual ecstasy than a visit to the Lincoln bedroom?

I Want To Gently Caress Your Rubber Klingon Head And Uniform - 38 (excelsior / outer mission)
Reply to: mailto:pers-898569395@craigslist.org?subject=I%20Want%20To%20Gently%20Caress%20Your%20Rubber%20Klingon%20Head%20And%20Uniform%20-%2038%20(excelsior%20/%20outer%20mission) [?]Date: 2008-10-29, 3:37PM PDT

Warp ten ladies! Cause Arnold Fassbinder is ready to unleash the female Klingon within! To quote the Klingon Mating Ritual code "Rach Nach Blach Nack Slac Har Vac Nar!" Yes it will be hours of soft caresses and tough Klingon Love as we mate in the ancient ritual of KRAKNAR on the twelfth Klingon Moon and Mining Colony of Darkus 10! I will make you my SLARKCHARD! And together we shall achieve SLAYRVAC!

Do You Dress Up Like Wonder Woman? Sleep In A Coffin? Sniff Glue? - 35 (noe valley)
Reply to: mailto:pers-898605445@craigslist.org?subject=Do%20You%20Dress%20Up%20Like%20Wonder%20Woman%3f%20Sleep%20In%20A%20Coffin%3f%20Sniff%20Glue%3f%20%20-%2035%20(noe%20valley) [?]Date: 2008-10-29, 4:05PM PDT

BY THE POWER OF GRAY SKULL! I HAVE THE PPOOOOOOOWWWWWEEEEERRRR! To make you happy...to give you all those things the other dullards refuse to give you...like socks with barbie doll heads glued to the toes...and a bowling ball covered in blood and human hair and brain tissue. A novelty driver's license that says your name is "Cooter McDragonlick Fuckmunch III"...I'll bake you that cake shaped like the hyrdocephalic baby and glue rubber spiders on that globe...so it looks like spiders are attacking the Earth! I'll paint blood stains on your bedroom walls replicating that arterial spray you like so much and cover the floor in raw meat and sewage...just like you imagined it! We'll watch horror films twenty four hours a day and live on Dr. Pepper and cigars.

Gentle Ernest P. Worrell Impersonator Seeks Naughty Nude Nympho - 37 (nob hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-898635012@craigslist.org?subject=Gentle%20Ernest%20P.%20Worrell%20Impersonator%20Seeks%20Naughty%20Nude%20Nympo%20%20-%2037%20(nob%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-10-29, 4:29PM PDT

Hey ladies...much like Freddy "Boom Boom" Washington would say in his sexy low voice "Hi there". I am currently employed at the Six Flaggs amusement park as their resident host for the "Ernest Save Christmas" Imax 3-D experience. So I tend to like to stay in character all the time..."Know what I mean, Vern?". If you like the hilarious series of Ernest comedy films we'll get along splendidly..."Know what I mean, Vern?". I guess there's no need for me to send a picture because if you're reading this, chances are you're an "Ernest P. Worrell" fan like me...needless to say I look like the great Jim Varney. Lets get together and watch "Ernest Scared Stupid" for Halloween! A Halloween classic...know what I mean, Vern?

The Amish Sex Machine!

Well my Craig's list posts for today went a bit into outer space:

Amish Sex Machine Seeks Big-Titted Butter-Churnin' Hoe! - 41 (haight ashbury)
Reply to: mailto:pers-898391797@craigslist.org?subject=Amish%20Sex%20Machine%20Seeks%20Big-Titted%20Butter-Churnin [?]Date: 2008-10-29, 1:32PM PDT

Aye, tis what Ezekiel seeks...the woman of great abundance in character and bossom. The great heaving breasts are what I do so fancy. We'll attend a barn raising and then back to the home for some hot sex! Then we'll rise at five AM and milk the cows, perform the chores and mend that old fence...then back to the house for more hot sex! This we shall do on a daily basis if it be God's will. We shan't go among the English...and lord help us if Harrison Ford shows up in the community undercover...for that would not bode well.

Adnoid Jackson Has A Magic Sex Chicken! - 36 (castro / upper market)
Reply to: mailto:pers-898406181@craigslist.org?subject=Adnoid%20Jackson%20Has%20A%20Magic%20Sex%20Chicken!%20-%2036%20(castro%20/%20upper%20market) [?]Date: 2008-10-29, 1:42PM PDT

Yes it's sure hard to type with two raw chickens on my hands...hard to walk with them on my feet as well...and the large, raw turkey I wear as a hat weighs a goddamn ton. Maybe I should consider making a different type of fashion statement...one less raw-poultry themed. The problem is they go so well with my Elvis jumpsuit that I'd hate to break up the ensemble. Maybe I'll just lose the tuba...filled with raw chicken...that wasn't really what I was going for when I started wearing all of this. In any case...let's hook up and have some sex!

Danish Gentleman Wishes To Share Star Trek Erotica W/Frail& Elderly - 36 (downtown / civic / van ness)
Reply to: mailto:pers-898422140@craigslist.org?subject=Danish%20Gentleman%20Wishes%20To%20Share%20Star%20Trek%20Erotica%20W/Frail&%3b%20Elderly%20%20-%2036%20(downtown%20/%20civic%20/%20van%20ness) [?]Date: 2008-10-29, 1:52PM PDT

Hello I am Hans Glochnetch, man of many talents and pleasures! Today I made a lizard out of an egg carton and some tempra paint and old macaroni..I name him "Lizzy"...he's very nice! I like very much to collect the Star Trek Erotica...have chests full of fan fiction stories of crew getting it on on The U.S.S. Enterprise! Would like to share my collection with many frail and elderly people who enjoy Star Trek fan fiction erotica! Then we'll do arts and crafts and have some nice apple sauce!