Mad Cow!

My friend Ken sent this news story to me today..It has a drunk lady dressed as a cow....who urinates on porches and chases children...what more could you want ?

Actual news:

One Month in Corral for Disorderly Woman

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

32-year-old reportedly shows up for sentencing still wearing the costume. (Middletown, OH) --

Saturday night, people in the 3100 block of Wilbraham Road called police to report a woman wearing a cow costume was chasing kids, and blocking traffic. Michele Allen also allegedly urinated on the porch of one neighbor.
When officers arrived, they told her to go home. But later that night, they found her again, in the 2400 block of Verity, standing in traffic. This time, officers say, Allen smelled of alcohol and swore at them.
She was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct.Allen plead guilty, Monday morning, in Middletown Municipal Court, and sentenced to a month in jail.

The Mysterious Case of The Mysterious Mystery

I used to love the television show, "In Search Of". It was narrated by Leonard (Mr. Spock) Nimoy and dealt with such riveting and important issues as Bigfoot, flying saucers, the Loch Ness Monster and so on. Did such creatures exist? Were extraterrestrials visiting our planet? If memory serves, the conclusions presented during each show pertaining to each mystery or subject were always left rather open-ended and painted with rather broad strokes...leaving a big question mark hovering in the air as the end credits rolled. The strangely chilling opening theme and Nimoy's narration alone were justification enough to waste thirty minutes of your life watching the talking head interviews with so-called "experts" in such fields as paranormal psychology and U.F.O s.

Shows like "In Search Of" always made life seem more exciting...as if anything was truly possible. Why, of course there's an Abominable Snowman! Here's the photo of the Pangpoche scalp!

Some things we will never know for sure...they are the mysteries that make life a fascinating adventure into the unknown. I,for one, will never know what it's like to attend Hebrew school or have a vagina. How much money can you really make running a pumpkin patch? Beats the hell out me. How much different would riding a unicorn be from riding just a plain, old horse? What would it be like to swallow a live bat? Where do midgets come from? What are tangerines made out of? All fantastic unanswered questions.

What does wolverine meat taste like? I assume they are edible...but has anyone ever bothered to eat one? Another great mystery! Yes, life is full of wonderment, boys and girls...ask yourself the tough questions...like...given today's technology...could the story of Pinocchio really happen?

Seize the day! Embrace life's mysteries as well as Leonard Nimoy! Touche'! Kudos! Zap! Boffo! Huzzah!

Don't let the door hit you in the ass, September

Tomorrow begins the month of October. Samhain is in the air. Halloween approaches. It is indeed my favorite time of year. To ring in the month of October I am posting an article I wrote for The San Francisco Bay Guardian listing my top five horror films. These choices are of course comical in nature, as, if they were really my top five faves I woud probablly be confined to a mental hospital.

The article :

Dan West's top five horror films

Faves from the director of Monsturd

1. Shriek of the Mutilated (1974) Not only the greatest title in cinema history but also its single greatest achievement. Never before (or since) have bad acting, cannibalism, alcoholism, and the Abominable Snowman scaled such heights. The greatest film ever made.

2. The Wizard of Gore (1970) Director Herschell Gordon Lewis (Blood Feast) does it again, becoming the first filmmaker in history to slaughter someone on camera with a live chain saw. A mad magician runs amok with ghastly results. If the crude and relentless gore effects don't turn your stomach, the "acting" certainly will.

3. Straight Jacket (1963) High camp is the order of the day as convicted ax murderer Joan Crawford returns home after a lengthy stay in the loony bin, only to seemingly resume her old habits. Hilarity ensues in this William Castle–directed classic. Crawford really sells it. This is the stuff of which drag queens are made!

4. King Kong Lives (1986) Quite possibly one of the most misguided, unintentionally hilarious, idiotically optimistic sequels ever made, this follow-up to the Dino de Laurentiis–produced remake of King Kong boasts a plethora of delights for the Kong, after falling to his supposed death from the heights of the World Trade Center, is retrofitted with a giant artificial heart during a Monty Python–like opening sequence. It is a film that has to be seen to be believed. Several bong hits might help.

5. The Car (1977) Never has vehicular manslaughter been so much fun! The screenplay boasts "technical advice" from Church of Satan founder Anton LaVey.

SFBG

San Francisco filmmaker Dan West codirected Monsturd and the forthcoming RetarDEAD.

The Retardation Proclamation of September 26th, 2008

My Craig's list personal ads are sucking today, but there are a few inspired moments. Read if you so desire.

Sensitive, Caring Guy In Pantie Hose Mask Wants To Touch Boobs - 38 (noe valley)
Reply to: mailto:pers-856635180@craigslist.org?subject=Sensitive,%20Caring%20Guy%20In%20Panty%20Hose%20Mask%20Wants%20To%20Touch%20Boobs%20-%2038%20(noe%20valley) [?]Date: 2008-09-26, 3:57PM PDT

Okay little Jimmy, here's the grocery list...and if you screw up this time we're tossing your little ass into the zombie pit.

1.) Eggs (salmon or frog)
2.) Bacon (preferably human)
3.) Milk (breast)
4.) Mr. Pibb
5.) Lettuce (pray for God's blessing)
6.) Midget bait (blueberry flavor)
6.) Soup (homosexual flavor with lemon)
7.)Pabst Blue Ribbon (12 pack)
8.) Pubic hair removal tape strips
9.) A cyclops (male)

Hansom, Intelligent Man Turns Out To Be Weird Pervert - 41 (potrero hill)

Reply to: mailto:pers-856619999@craigslist.org?subject=Hansome,%20Intelligent%20Man%20Turns%20Out%20To%20Be%20Weird%20Pervert%20-%2041%20(potrero%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-09-26, 3:44PM PDT

Boy howdy, I certainly enjoy a refreshing bout of good, old-fashioned nudity...the kind with rubber bedsheets and plenty of condoms and adult diapers on the head involved...maybe a toilet brush and a G.I. Joe doll thrown in for good measure. You can probably tell by my posting that I possess a great deal of explosive sexual potency. Yes, I am what is commonly referred to as a "sexual dynamo"....don't let the strange Pipi Longstockings wig or the rainbow suspenders fool you. I am all man, Baby! And I'm gonna squeeze yer boobies just like the bulbs of bicycle horns...."Honk honk, Baby!".

Guy Makes "Lady Trap" In Apartment. Invites You Over For Drink - 39 (SOMA / south beach)

Reply to: mailto:pers-856520080@craigslist.org?subject=Guy%20Makes%20%22Lady%20Trap%22%20In%20Apartment.%20Invites%20You%20Over%20For%20Drink%20-%2039%20(SOMA%20/%20south%20beach) [?]Date: 2008-09-26, 2:21PM PDT

Check list :

1.) Roofies
2.) Handcuffs
3.) pixie stix
4.) maple syrup
4.) clown costume
5.) finger puppets
6.) Soundtrack LP for "Mary Poppins"
7.) Easter eggs
8.) Tiger print thong
9.) PAM non-stick cooking spray
10.) I can't believe it's not butter
11.) Stan Laurel Mask
12.) Paddle
13.) nipple clamps

Man In Space Alien Mask Tries To Stick Curling Iron Up Your Butt - 41 (nob hill)

Reply to: mailto:pers-856535621@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20In%20Space%20Alien%20Mask%20Tries%20To%20Stick%20Curling%20Iron%20Up%20Your%20Butt%20-%2041%20(nob%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-09-26, 2:33PM PDT

He then says "I am from the planet Quazar 12...must learn the secrets of Earth breeding to re-populate my planet"....he says this in a strange monotone voice...as if he is from outer space. Then the man unzips his silver jumpsuit to reveal a thong crafted from tin foil, which he insists keeps his private space parts "fresh". Then he makes a strange beeping noise over and over again as he attempts to fondle your breasts.

All in all it's a very romantic evening...which ends with both of you making love inside his cardboard space ship crafted from an old refrigerator box .

Tonight: You, Me, Nudity, Salad Dressing, A Red Clown Nose, Sex,Vomit - 38 (lower nob hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-856579885@craigslist.org?subject=Tonight:%20You,%20Me,%20Nudity,%20Salad%20Dressing,%20A%20Red%20Clown%20Nose,%20Sex,Vomit%20-%2038%20(lower%20nob%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-09-26, 3:09PM PDT

Wild Baby! Let me remove your bra and wear it as a hastily-fashioned baby bonnet while I juggle these dog turds. Do you enjoy circus pipe organ music? It's my favorite! My friend Jimmy taught me a brand new sex trick...here, take off your panties and I'll show you...I hope you brought double A batteries!

Wow...you smell sweet...like a big, human, cheese cake.

Don't drink too much bourbon tonight. If you pass out I'm going to draw a moustache on your face and write "Fun Zone" on your ass and take a picture of it with a slinky stuffed between your buttocks. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Charming, Sweet, Sprays Whip Cream On Head. Puts Cherry On Top - 41 (haight ashbury)

Reply to: mailto:pers-856595598@craigslist.org?subject=Charming,%20Sweet,%20Sprays%20Whip%20Cream%20On%20Head.%20Puts%20Cherry%20On%20Top%20%20-%2041%20(haight%20ashbury) [?]Date: 2008-09-26, 3:23PM PDT

Look at Jerry, Ladies! I'm a sexual Sundae! Pour some chocolate on Jerry and go to town! Maybe some crushed nuts...But hey! Jerry doesn't like the sound of that one..."crushed nuts" implies S&M and Jerry don't roll like that, homies! Jerry likes to have nice visits from nude women. Are you a nude woman? Come on over to Jerry's house! Admission is free for all nude woman!

Glasses, Tattoos, Cleavage, Wizard Costume,Onions, Live Monkey - 39 (west portal / forest hill)

Reply to: mailto:pers-856658142@craigslist.org?subject=Glasses,%20Tattoos,%20Cleavage,%20Wizard%20Costume,Onions,%20Live%20Monkey%20-%2039%20(west%20portal%20/%20forest%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-09-26, 4:17PM PDT

Jimmy sat on the toilet hoping to pass the barbie doll head he'd swallowed during the bet. What the hell was he thinking? He should never drink that much schnapps....but he simply couldn't resist the peppermint flavor. It was like drinking a candy cane! Jimmy loved candy canes! He liked to braid them in his long flowing hair and keep a few in his rectum whenever he was cavity searched at the county jail...which, believe it or not, was A LOT.

Man In Skeleton Costume Wants To Show You His Boner - 38 (north beach / telegraph hill)

Reply to: mailto:pers-856676828@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20In%20Skeleton%20Costume%20Wants%20To%20Show%20You%20His%20Boner%20-%2038%20(north%20beach%20/%20telegraph%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-09-26, 4:34PM PDT

Boy the weirdos are coming out of the woodwork this Friday...so many "Sweet", "Sensitive", "Intelligent", "Nurturing" perverts running amok on Craiggy's little list. Bet you ladies are having a hard time choosing with so many great date prospects out there! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Weird Guy With Fake Moustache Has Sign That Says Free Moustache Rides - 38 (lower haight)

Reply to: mailto:pers-856692143@craigslist.org?subject=Weird%20Guy%20With%20Fake%20Moustache%20Has%20Sign%20That%20Says%20Free%20Moustache%20Rides%20-%2038%20(lower%20haight) [?]Date: 2008-09-26, 4:49PM PDT

Warning: Admission price may vary. Sometimes he has been known to charge upwards of $2.50 per moustache ride. However, he will validate parking.

You may call him, "Mr. Tibbs" or just "Willie"

White Guy With Geri Curl and Silk Track Suit Actually Thinks He's Sexy - 38 (haight ashbury)

Reply to: mailto:pers-856803664@craigslist.org?subject=White%20Guy%20With%20Geri%20Curl%20and%20Silk%20Track%20Suit%20Actually%20Thinks%20He [?]Date: 2008-09-26, 6:43PM PDT

Tucker was sad...all his life people had made up dirty rhymes about him. He was thinking of changing his name to Larry, but that rhymed with fairy...maybe he would change is name to "Buster"...even Buster Rhymes probably couldn't rhyme anything with "Buster" ...you could say "fluster"or "cluster"..or "muster".

Even "General Custer" ...but those weren't dirty...like the other rhymes. Tucker dreamt of a magical day when he would be free of his dirty rhyme-friendly name. A day when naked women would hold a parade in his honor and throw confetti at him as we waved from his limousine.

On that day he would sport an admiral's uniform and eat hot dog buns directly from the plastic bag. The parade would be led by an army chimpanzees heavily doses with PCP and sporting little red fez hats. There would be free bottles of Worcestershire sauce for all the sexy naked ladies and a man in a pope's vestments would pass out skin-colored balloons with nipples printed on them .

Man In Astronaut Costume Claims He's From "Sex Planet" - 41 (potrero hill)

Reply to: mailto:pers-856837549@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20In%20Astronaut%20Costume%20Claims%20He [?]Date: 2008-09-26, 7:24PM PDT
Bobby found the costume at Thrift Town...it smelled like urine and vomit and he had a sneaking suspicion it had been used for some perverse performance at Burning Man. Bobby got an idea..not a good one...but an idea. Bobby liked science fiction...he also liked sex...he figured by combining his two interests he would achieve his goal of sexual ecstasy...Bobby liked that idea.

Bobby knew his Star Wars storm trooper uniform had failed to pull the sexy chicks he wanted to escort into his Stars Wars-themed bed chamber...with its Death Star-style bunk beds and life-like wax figure of George Lucas.

Bobby wondered why the foxy chicks avoided him. He often wondered if he should start brushing his teeth with actual tooth paste rather than cheese whiz. Perhaps his Casper The Friendly Ghost pajamas were off-putting...people normally didn't wear those to speed-dating meetings...especially not the "footie" style....but that way Bobby didn't wear out his clogs.

Up Chuck!

I LOVE CHUCKY. There, I said it. From "Child's Play" to "Seed Of Chucky" I have been a fan.

What's not to love? He is a child's doll possessed by the spirit of a serial killer portrayed by Brad Douriff! HE IS A DOLL WHO MURDERS PEOPLE...he also curses and smokes pot and has sex with Jennifer Tilly. I LOVE BRAD DOURIFF. I LOVE JENNIFER TILLY. I LOVE CHUCKY. I AM GOING TO MARRY THEM ALL.

I am also a fucking nerd, as is revealed by this posting. I am a total horror nerd.

They are now planning a remake of "Child's Play". David Kirschner, producer of the original film, has also stated his intention to again cast BRAD DOURIF in the role of serial killer, Charles Lee Ray...who in turn becomes "Chucky". Brad Douriff will reprise the role and I will be this remake's bitch, gleefully forking over my ten dollars for another dose of my favorite, diminutive horror icon. I will, with a joyful heart, share this news with my ex-wife...who does not like Chucky at all, despite the fact that she bought me a hideous Chucky doll for Christmas one year (which she also forced me to to hide in our basement so it wouldn't stare at her) and she will probably say something to this effect: "OOOOOhhhhhh Boyyyyyyy!!!! I bet you can't wait to see that! Since you just LOVE Chucky so much!" ...to which I will reply "You better your fucking ass! It's Brad Douriff playing Chucky again!"

I will say this because I am a nerd....I am a nerd who loves a murderous, pot-smoking doll who is possessed by Brad Douriff.

Vermin and Dirtnap

Ahhhh, Herman and Katnip...I believe these cartoons may have quite possibly been written by a psychopath. Ever seen Herman and Katnip? These cartoons are a bit like watching a "Friday The 13th" movie. The sadistic violence is jaw-dropping. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall during the story meetings at Famous studios, as it's possible they may have had The Cleveland Torso Murderer on the payroll.

From the Wikipedia article on the series :

"The violence in this series, while intended for comedic effect, often reached a level of brutality that surpassed both Tom and Jerry, Mighty Mouse, and Warner Bros.' Sylvester the Cat. Herman's battles with Katnip always ended with Herman victorious over Katnip, and frequently Herman and his mouse companions would sing a victory song as they observed Katnip being brutally punished or even tortured (e.g. being eaten by sharks, killed in a rock slide while mountain climbing, strung up with Christmas lights and plugged into an electric socket, or even dying and his ghost being sent to "the fiery furnace".)"

Sounds like something posted on the True Crime Library website.

Herr-oooo, My Name Jelly Rewis (Gong Sound Effect)

Good God almighty. Drink in the glory that is Jerry Lewis. Jerry Lewis=God. Jerry is mentally unbalanced. Jerry is a special person. Jerry is out of his fucking mind. Man, I loves me some Jerry. Jerry rocks! Jerry is the King of Insaneland. Jerry Lewis is a freak of nature and I love him.

IMDB...a filmography....music swells

And the oscar goes to :

What a fantastic filmography I have on the Internet Movie Database!

Dan West (I)


Actor:
Retardead (2008) (V) .... Deputy Dan
Rectuma (2004) .... 2nd Policeman
Monsturd (2003) (V) .... Deputy Dan

Director:
Retardead (2008) (V)
Monsturd (2003) (V)

Writer:
Retardead (2008) (V) (screenplay)
Monsturd (2003) (V) (writer)

Editor:
Retardead (2008) (V)

For The Record

There are certain songs that I have detested since childhood. Three of which specifically come to mind.

They are :

1.) "Walk On By" as performed by Dionne Warwick. I don't know why but this song always made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. I think it may be the saxophone accompaniment that makes me want to rip both of my ears from my head and flush them down the toilet...I hate this song...but not as much as number two.

which is :

2.) "Me and Mrs. Jones" as performed by Billie Paul...this little number always drove me crazy and never failed to really make me squirm with disgust...This time it is Mr. Paul who is the offending party...his rendition of the chorus is delivered as if he is mildly retarded...or at least that's always how his pronunciation of "Mrs...Mrs. Jones!" always sounded to me....or similar to how a deaf person might interpret the chorus.

3.) "Kooky, Kooky, Lend Me Your Comb" performed by Edd Byrnes....the same Edd Byrnes who's going to receive a swift kick in the groin if I ever run into him in a dark alley...just the goddamn name of this song makes me want to punch something...preferably the asshole that wrote it..or the girl who provides the voice over intro. Makes my skin slither

I Am Sam! (The Total Prick!)

Sean Penn annoys the shit out of me. In interviews he always seems to come across as a pompous, egotistical asshole with no sense of humor. While I will admit I have enjoyed his work as an actor, as a person he seems like a total dick. Think back to the Oscars when he felt compelled to offer his "Inside The Actor's Studio-like" retort to a Chris Rock wisecrack concerning Jude Law.

Total dickweed.

Perhaps I am embellishing my memory of his appearance on "Inside The Actors' Studio"...but, as I recall, this humor-impaired douche bag actually made some proclamation about film being too important a medium to be wasted on frivolous comedy films. Now it very well could be that my memory is foggy on that statement, but if he didn't say something akin to such pompous and idiotic Thespians verbal diarrhea...then I'll offer to put words in his mouth to make him sound like a bigger asshole than I already think he must be...all I really remember is thinking "Jesus, what a fuckhead!".

I believe I also read or heard somewhere that he has a tendency to stay in character during down time on set...which brings me to his retarded opus, "I am Sam"...WHAT I WOULDN'T HAVE GIVEN TO SEE SEAN PENN ACTING RETARDED WHEN HE WASN'T REQUIRED TO FOR THE CAMERA. If this is indeed true and he actually did that on the set of that film, then I am going to invent a time machine specifically to travel back to 2001 and throw rocks at that mother fucker while he's acting retarded...then I'm going to travel back farther and beat the shit out of the asshole who invented mayonnaise

Everyone Into The Cesspool!

My most recent Craig's List personal ads:

Man With French Fries in Underwear Wants To Be Your Happy Meal - 38 (nob hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-847115705@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20With%20French%20Fries%20in%20Underwear%20Wants%20To%20Be%20Your%20Happy%20Meal%20-%2038%20(nob%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-09-19, 10:28AM PDT

And when the sad clown looked into the toilet...he saw blood...making his day even worse. First the tainted bacon...now blood in the stool. Was nothing to go right for Mr. Pickles today? Maybe he shouldn't have shoved that golf trophy up his butt, or that kitchen witch...but who doesn't love a kitchen witch? The little hag on her little broom...how she flies...zoom zoom zoom.

Let's make sexual magic, baby! I am the wizard of sexual sorcery! I even wear a pointy hat with moons and stars printed on it and say things like "Abra-ca-da-bra" as I removed your undergarments...it's super sexy, momma! Yaow! Then I make sounds like an ape! Oh ooooooooo oooooo ooooo eeeeehhhh eeeeaaaa aahhhhh!!!

Then we break out the yogurt and the fish tank! WOOOO WEEEEEE! Fish hooks in my nipples! Got you a live one, baby! Let's bid on a that nude, velvet painting of me we saw on ebay!

Man With Hand Puppets Says They Want To Touch Your Boobs! - 39 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-847147876@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20With%20Hand%20Puppets%20Says%20They%20Want%20To%20Touch%20Your%20Boobs!%20-%2039%20(potrero%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-09-19, 10:49AM PDT

WOOOOOO WEEEEEEE!!!!! Man that lemonaide was tangy! Must have been all the embalming fluid! Now that I'm full of juicy embalming fluid we can pull my legs out like Stretch Armstrong! Think of all the positions we could achieve with my newfound flexibility!... We can pretend I work for S.E.T.I and I will "make contact" with your "alien sexual part things"...it will be a close encounter of the sexual kind!!!! Then we will raise our tropical cocktails and proclaim..."Welcome to Fantasy Island!"

Let me fill your underwear with spaghetti and kiss your wax vampire teeth. Baby you're the tops! Look! I'll kneel down on my shoes and pretend I am a sexy midget! Come closer...I won't bite...I just want to lick you..that's all...like a lolipop...one of the really big ones...like the kind they used to sell at The Nut Tree!....here...lets pretend my thing is a train...and you are a tunnel..chuga chuga chuga...WOOOOO WOOOOOO!!!!!

Now watch me juggle these baby dolls....I learned how to do this juggling real babies...it took a while...but you can't make an omlet without...well...you know...who knew something so small and squishy was full of that much blood?

Man In Paper Burger King Crown Proclaims He is "King of Sex" - 38 (SOMA / south beach)
Reply to: mailto:pers-847295524@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20In%20Paper%20Burger%20King%20Crown%20Proclaims%20He%20is%20%22King%20of%20Sex%22%20-%2038%20(SOMA%20/%20south%20beach) [?]Date: 2008-09-19, 12:26PM PDT

Larry was feeling down...his adult diapers were itchy due to the fish sticks and the rubber of his fake mohawk wig was making his head sweat. He'd been hiding inside the port-a-potty for hours waiting to scare someone...anyone...but no one seemed to need to use the facilities today. He had rubbed chocolate syrup all over his face for a frightening effect but now it was starting to irritate his skin. Did no one have to make a numbet two or one today? Was there no God in Heaven above? Damn in was getting hot inside the port-a-potty...bad day to chose to frighten people...

Larry wished that instead of being inside the port-a-potty, that he was instead in a place called "Boogietown"...where everyone wore tight, silk shorts and roller skates...and had "Boogie fever"...it wasn't I sickness...it was a gift.

Man With Head Wrapped In Toilet Paper Says He Got "Brad Pitt" Face - 39 (castro / upper market)Reply to: mailto:pers-847415043@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20With%20Head%20Wrapped%20In%20Toilet%20Paper%20Says%20He%20Got%20%22Brad%20Pitt%22%20Face%20-%2039%20(castro%20/%20upper%20market) [?]Date: 2008-09-19, 1:52PM PDT

Here, let me rub you with this package of raw hotdogs...it's like being caressed by a dozen weiners...just like that weird dream you had about Don Knotts being sexy. Don't mind the blood stains on the carpet...or that crime scene victim outline...the landlord said it was cool if we hang out and perfom feats of sexual magic...that's why I brought the pogo sticks and the package of hot dogs. I'm wearing my underwear in the outside of my pants so they come off quicker...then I just have to take my pants off and the underwear is removed with them...I learned that from my friend Dickie.

Here I made you a present...it's a barbie doll with a rubber shark head taped to the neck...I call it "shark lady"...she's a mutant...just like you. You should get a tattoo on your ass that says "Check out how hot my ass is"...that would be cool. I would get that tattoo...it would be better than that one I have of Gary Coleman having sex with the giant mushroom...I don't know what I was thinking when I got that one...weird.

I bet you can't eat this entire raw potato with out throwing up

Horny Dork Poses As Artist, Seeks Nude Female Model - 39 (portola district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-847431055@craigslist.org?subject=Horny%20Dork%20Poses%20As%20Artist,%20Seeks%20Nude%20Female%20Model%20-%2039%20(portola%20district) [?]Date: 2008-09-19, 2:03PM PDT

Bet I can eat more chili than you can! Wanna find out? Then we can have a hot dog eating competiton. I can make a sound like a tiger...GRRRRRRRRRRRR...watch me roll around this dirty, old, bear rug in my sexy thong....Hmmmmmm rub my buttocks with salad oil.....yeah momma....put these crayons up your nose...SEXY!

Do you like my mullet? I also braid my ass hairs into a sexy ponytail...like I'm a horse "NNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"....I had prunes for breakfast.

I made this tattoo gun out of a sewing machine and a hypodermic needle I found in the gutter...here I can give you that Aerosmith tattoo I was thinking about. Don't worry...I rubbed it all down with Pinesol

Man Like Boobs and Butt, Go "Squeeze Squeeze! "Have Salad Oil! - 39 (haight ashbury)
Reply to: mailto:pers-847513545@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20Like%20Boobs%20and%20Butt,%20Go%20%22Squeeze%20Squeeze!%20%22Have%20Salad%20Oil!%20-%2039%20(haight%20ashbury) [?]Date: 2008-09-19, 3:07PM PDT

Me squeeze boobs and butt! Make noise! Go "Honk honk"! like car! Go "OOOOOGGAHHH" like old car! Like model T car! Then go "WWWWWOOOOO WWWOOOO" like train! You like! Me have two hands for to sequeeze boobs at same time...then squeeze butt parts at same time but later with both squeeze hands for squeezing! You have many orgasm! Go "YYYYYYEESSSSSSSSS Peepo!"

Rub you with many salad oil...make slippery for sex! Then I comb hair with fish skeleton I find...go "WOOOOOO WOOOOOO!: again like train for no reason!

I squeeze boobs and butt for you! Make sex!

Guy In Gorilla Mask Says He's "King of The Felchers" - 41 (excelsior / outer mission)
Reply to: mailto:pers-847569265@craigslist.org?subject=Guy%20In%20Gorilla%20Mask%20Says%20He [?]Date: 2008-09-19, 3:53PM PDT

Here I made you a necklace out of rat turds.

My Ventriloquist Dummy Finds You Sexually Attractive - 41 (north beach / telegraph hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-847590664@craigslist.org?subject=My%20Ventriloquist%20Dummy%20Finds%20You%20Sexually%20Attractive%20-%2041%20(north%20beach%20/%20telegraph%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-09-19, 4:12PM PDT

Creepy man-child who sleeps in a baby crib has made a a present for you...it's a hat made out of a pumpkin. You can wear it when we make sweet love tonight.

I'll sing to you in my high-pitched Jerry Lewis voice and make you a nice tea from the water we boiled the hot dogs in...my world famous "hot dog tea"

Archie is The Sex Man. Ladies Love The Archie For Sex - 41 (mission district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-847617117@craigslist.org?subject=Archie%20is%20The%20Sex%20Man.%20Ladies%20Love%20The%20Archie%20For%20Sex%20-%2041%20(mission%20district) [?]Date: 2008-09-19, 4:36PM PDT

The Archie is the sexy man for sex...have many dead fish to roll around in in playpen...we strip naked...many wrestling for Archie for to have sex...Archie very sexy except for bad teeth and back hair...also many fart from Archie make air smell bad...will try not to do during sex wrestling with Archie

Let me wear your panties on my head and talk like Jerry Lewis - 38 (lower nob hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-847636957@craigslist.org?subject=Let%20me%20wear%20your%20panties%20on%20my%20head%20and%20talk%20like%20Jerry%20Lewis%20-%2038%20(lower%20nob%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-09-19, 4:54PM PDT

You know what's really sexy? A man with panties on his head and diving flippers on his feet talking like Jerry Lewis and knocking things over with a jousting pole. Of course he would be covered in slippery margarine

BoBo Make Groucho Marx Moustache Out Of Shit!

The National Board Of American Retardation presents this week's Craig's List personal ads in support of my ongoing continuation of "The Aristocrats" joke :

Man Creates Strange New Sex Device, Needs Woman In Clown Mask - 39 (potrero hill)

Reply to: mailto:pers-829147340@craigslist.org: 2008-09-05, 3:37PM PDT

It fun...make sound like "WWWWWWWOOOOOOPPPPPP WWWWHHHHHOOOPPPPPPP!!!!". Give many hours pleasure for you sex parts. I real scientist. Wear lab coat and have monkey in cage. This device give many pleasure in sex areas...make you scream "Yes! Yes! More Cool Whip! Do it!". Bet you never knew you can play harmonica that way! It go "WHHHHHHHOOOOPPPPP! WHHHHHOOOPPPPPP!!!"

For many hours you orgasm from sex pleasure. I get patent and sell on TV like QVC! Me nutty inventor scientist person...give many pleasure with fabulous new device!

Sugar Daddy Turns Out To Be Literally Made Of Sugar, Melts In Hot Sun - 40 (nob hill)

Reply to: mailto:pers-829052304@craigslist.org: 2008-09-05, 2:31PM PDT

Did you ever have one of those days when you were too sexy? I mean...like smoldering with sexual potency...like a steaming bowl of delicious chicken-fried rice? I'm having one of those days....I mean I couldn't even bear to don a shirt as when I looked in the mirror...I just thought, "Shit...that is one sexy man!"....so I went to work in a blue, zebra print thong and a pope's hat...so that I might bless the ladies with my sexual power...I ALMOST went to work naked...but figured I might get arrested...But SERIOUSLY...I AM THAT SEXY TODAY

... I may look like Howdy Doody....what with being a carrot-topped, freckle-faced dickweed...but I am one SEXY man! I mean if you touched my ass with your finger...it would make a sizzling sound...like delicious bacon. I am that sexy today...

So I would suggest you get me while the gettin' is this sexy! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Damn I am sexy!

Man Dressed As Mountain Climber Wants To Take Trip To "Boob Mountains" - 38 (nob hill)

Reply to: mailto:pers-829212076@craigslist.org: 2008-09-05, 4:24PM PDT

Yo-dee-oh-la--heeeeeeee!!!!RRRRRRIIIIIICCCCCCOOOOOLLLLLAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Yes ladies, Larry is "in da house" and ready to scale your fleshy alps...to brave the depths of your cleavage in search the illusive boob yeti...Larry is my name and boobs are my game.....boobs and Stratego...and Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots.

I had my real eyes removed and replaced with glass tiger eyes from a local taxidermist...now I look like a tiger man! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! And My dentures are made of Popsicle sticks and masking tape. Do you believe in genies?

That's not blood on my shirt...it's katsup...I had fish sticks for lunch...they came out of the sea. I guess I can take my bib off now....I thought I might want some more fish sticks so I left it on. I wonder what part of the fish the fish sticks come from

Aspiring Necrophile Looking For Partner To Act Like She's Dead, LTR - 39 (haight ashbury)

Reply to: mailto:pers-829015689@craigslist.org: 2008-09-05, 2:07PM PDT

Everything is better when it's drenched in maple syrup...pancakes, ventriloquist dummies, tooth brushes, panties, crabgrass, garbage, naked women, cocaine, fruit loops, midgets, naked midgets, naked lady midgets, aardvarks, used tires, The Pope. My friend Jimmy.

I'd like to cover the world in maple syrup but that would cost a lot of money...perhaps mayonnaise would be cheaper...not as appealing though...and definitely not as sticky.

Man With Head Of Housefly Seeks Woman Covered With Shit - 40 (north beach / telegraph hill)

Reply to: mailto:pers-828993579@craigslist.org: 2008-09-05, 1:53PM PDT

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ....Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz BZZZZ Bzzzzzzzzz

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Bzzzzz Bzzzzz

Weird Guy in Pinnochio Costume Suggests Non-Stop Sex Marathon - 40 (SOMA / south beach)

Reply to: mailto:pers-828976080@craigslist.org: 2008-09-05, 1:42PM PDT

Come, let my buy you a bag of rubber insects at Walgreen's. You'd be surprised how good they feel in your underwear...or maybe you wouldn't be...maybe you're "hip to the scene, Jackson". I knew when I spotted all of that mustard on the front of your shirt that you were a woman after my own heart. The kind of dame who shoves a twinkie between her buttocks and caws like a crow. The type of dame who likes a good spanking with a rubber spatula still dripping with pancake batter. The hip chick who digs ventriloquism and snuff films. Baby you're the tops! Together we'll make sexual history...which will be even more impressive because we'll be wearing unicorn costumes!

As we make love under the stars we'll find out who can drink the most chocolate milk without throwing up. You know it Baby! WOOOOOOO!!!! I know you like it when I squeeze them boobs and make that funny car horn sound effect!

Is this love? Only the magic eight ball can know...too bad you threw it at that homeless guy...now we'll never be sure

Man Dressed As Willy Wonka Passes Out Golden Tix For Tour of Bedroom - 39 (castro / upper market)

Reply to: mailto:pers-828866995@craigslist.org?: 2008-09-05, 12:34PM PDT

Hello ladies! You're cordially invited to a free tour of "The Magical Bedroom Sex Factory" .Come see where and how the magic happens! And yes I will wear my top hat when we make sweet, magical love! Instead of a river of chocolate...you'll view the magnificent..."bed of sex"...where I make the famous sex you've heard so much about! There will not be Oopa Loompas...but there will be condoms...in "all the colors of the rainbow"....I don't have a glass elevator...but I assure you there will be no shortage of "ups and downs" in my magic bedroom sex factory!

We'll have to be quiet though or we'll wake my mom up and she'll get mad.

I dress this way because I'm what my mother calls "mildly retarded". Do you like hot dogs? I had one when I went to the movies! My brother says that they make hot dogs out of human baby meat. This one time I ate a candle that was shaped like a clown...it tasted waxy...but it was really chewy like candy.

Guy In Scary Don Knotts Mask And Leather Thong Wants To Make Love! - 39 (potrero hill)

Reply to: mailto:pers-828830667@craigslist.org: 2008-09-05, 12:12PM PDT

Pass the Tabasco sauce, all you hot, sexy chicks! BoBo Williams wrote of the book on makin' some sex! And just because my name is BoBo doesn't mean I am a clown...my Dad was...with Ringling Brothers...but that's a long painful, alcohol-drenched story of abuse and cold-blooded murder...not to mention snuff films. But what was BoBo saying? Oh yes...sex....let's be makin' some sex...I'm really good at it. I'm very sexy...because I practice a lot...and to be really good at things...like juggling or playing the violin...it's practice! Practice! Practice!....so it's like I'm a good violinist...but with sex....because I can't play violin.

So when we be makin' some sex you'll love it! Think of it! Both of us drenched from head to toe in chocolate syrup...wearing little, red cowboy hats and adult diapers...and scuba diving flippers for safety....Man it's gonna rock when were makin' sex! I can picture it now! In my head!....I see my hands on your boobs...just like in the movies...it's going to be great!

Afterwards we can go for tacos

Man With Sticky Substance On Hands Likes To Touch Ladies! LTR! - 40 (noe valley)

Reply to: mailto:pers-828799020@craigslist.org: 2008-09-05, 11:53AM PDT

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WEEEEEEEEEEEE! Bobby Jackson loves him some ladies! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO WEEEEEEE!!!!

You may wonder why I'm dressed like the Gorton's Fisherman...well...I was down at Pier 39 pretending to be a crab fisherman. I also like to huff spray paint...WOOOOOOO!!!! It makes the world all long and swirly.

Here, crawl into this dirty sleeping bag with me...I'll let you have several sips of my Mad Dog 20/20. Love is in the air...like a big fart. Inhale the rich aroma of romance! We will trip the light fantastic as I remove your underpants and place them upon my head to frighten the children.

Let's go build a snowman...we can make it out of packing Styrofoam so it will never melt and make you cry tears of great sadness...like when you bit into that taco that one time and it screamed.

Come with me for a rainbow of fruit flavors of love...except the yellow flavor tastes like mustard...it was the best I could come up with..

Man With Adult Diaper On Head Wants To Squeeze Boobs - 38 (mission district)

Reply to: mailto:pers-828903222@craigslist.org: 2008-09-05, 12:56PM PDT

Do you like Sponge Bob Squarepants? He's on My shirt! I have chocolate all over my mouth 'cause I like CHOCOLATE!!! It's chocolaty!!!!! I like pudding!

Once I stuffed two baloons in my shirt and pretended I was a lady! I like ladies' boobies!
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! I'm pretending I'm flying! Did you know that at Burning Man they don't really burn real people? He's a big man made of wood! I like to make a clapping sounds with my hands! WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! Some people in Holland have shoes made of wood! That's silly! Who would wear shoes that are made of wood?????!!!

Can you take me home with you? I'm lost

Let's Win The Science Fair Top Prize!

Okay team (and yes, this includes Jerry Thrumboll, the reluctant shithead who voted me out as team leader, (DUE TO THE FACT THAT HE FOUND MY METHODS "UNSOUND" AND "UNORTHODOX")..I've been doing some "brainstorming"...and here are some tentative "blueprints" to snag the "blue ribbon"..or trophy...or whatever the award is this year..

Ideas to "ponder/consider/create" :

1.) The Very Short Electric Camel

NEEDED :

1.) Two hired midgets/dwarfs willing to shove double A batteries up their asses for the duration of the Fair's judgment phase.

2.) Camel costume rented from prop house or costume rental agency

2 1/2.) Two, red, fez-style hats

3.) Cassette player

4.) Cassette tape of Ray Stevens' hilarious parody song "Ahab The A-rab"

Concept #2 :

The "Friends: Lost Porno Episode"

NEEDED:

1.) Three porn actresses who resemble Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox and Lisa Kudro

2.) Three porn actors to fill the roles of "Ross", "Joey" and "Chandler"...no one will give a shit if they look like the original actors as long as their hair isn't blond...but note : "Chandler" must have some sense of comic timing for the spoof to work properly.

3.) Laugh track on cassette tape

4.) Cassette player

5.) Cassette recording of royalty-free song reminiscent of "Friends" theme song that will not provoke a lawsuit.

Concept #3 :

The Ghost Detector (to be utilized in paranormal research)

NEEDED :

1.) White sheet with eye holes cut out (for safety)

2.) Some sort of device that makes a beeping sound when ghosts are near.

Concept #4 :

Naked Lady "Sex Time" clock

NEEDED :

1.) Inflatable sex doll (Female)

2.) Clock radio

3.) Masking tape

4.) Black sharpie marking pen

5.) Ability to tell time

Concept #5 :

Werewolf repellent

NEEDED :

1.) Rubber, Halloween werewolf mask

2.) Volunteer to test werewolf repellent in werewolf mask

3.) One can Raid insect repellent with the word "insect" crossed out and replaced with the word "werewolf".

3 1/2.) Bic lighter

4.) Crow bar in case werewolf repellent proves ineffective.

5.) Existing medical insurance for volunteer werewolf

Okay, team...that's my two cents...so let's go to work and make this the bestist science fair ever , you lazy, uninspired sacks of shit!