My Craig's list personal ads are sucking today, but there are a few inspired moments. Read if you so desire.
Sensitive, Caring Guy In Pantie Hose Mask Wants To Touch Boobs - 38 (noe valley)
Reply to: mailto:pers-856635180@craigslist.org?subject=Sensitive,%20Caring%20Guy%20In%20Panty%20Hose%20Mask%20Wants%20To%20Touch%20Boobs%20-%2038%20(noe%20valley) [?]Date: 2008-09-26, 3:57PM PDT
Okay little Jimmy, here's the grocery list...and if you screw up this time we're tossing your little ass into the zombie pit.
1.) Eggs (salmon or frog)
2.) Bacon (preferably human)
3.) Milk (breast)
4.) Mr. Pibb
5.) Lettuce (pray for God's blessing)
6.) Midget bait (blueberry flavor)
6.) Soup (homosexual flavor with lemon)
7.)Pabst Blue Ribbon (12 pack)
8.) Pubic hair removal tape strips
9.) A cyclops (male)
Hansom, Intelligent Man Turns Out To Be Weird Pervert - 41 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-856619999@craigslist.org?subject=Hansome,%20Intelligent%20Man%20Turns%20Out%20To%20Be%20Weird%20Pervert%20-%2041%20(potrero%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-09-26, 3:44PM PDT
Boy howdy, I certainly enjoy a refreshing bout of good, old-fashioned nudity...the kind with rubber bedsheets and plenty of condoms and adult diapers on the head involved...maybe a toilet brush and a G.I. Joe doll thrown in for good measure. You can probably tell by my posting that I possess a great deal of explosive sexual potency. Yes, I am what is commonly referred to as a "sexual dynamo"....don't let the strange Pipi Longstockings wig or the rainbow suspenders fool you. I am all man, Baby! And I'm gonna squeeze yer boobies just like the bulbs of bicycle horns...."Honk honk, Baby!".
Guy Makes "Lady Trap" In Apartment. Invites You Over For Drink - 39 (SOMA / south beach)
Reply to: mailto:pers-856520080@craigslist.org?subject=Guy%20Makes%20%22Lady%20Trap%22%20In%20Apartment.%20Invites%20You%20Over%20For%20Drink%20-%2039%20(SOMA%20/%20south%20beach) [?]Date: 2008-09-26, 2:21PM PDT
Check list :
1.) Roofies
2.) Handcuffs
3.) pixie stix
4.) maple syrup
4.) clown costume
5.) finger puppets
6.) Soundtrack LP for "Mary Poppins"
7.) Easter eggs
8.) Tiger print thong
9.) PAM non-stick cooking spray
10.) I can't believe it's not butter
11.) Stan Laurel Mask
12.) Paddle
13.) nipple clamps
Man In Space Alien Mask Tries To Stick Curling Iron Up Your Butt - 41 (nob hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-856535621@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20In%20Space%20Alien%20Mask%20Tries%20To%20Stick%20Curling%20Iron%20Up%20Your%20Butt%20-%2041%20(nob%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-09-26, 2:33PM PDT
He then says "I am from the planet Quazar 12...must learn the secrets of Earth breeding to re-populate my planet"....he says this in a strange monotone voice...as if he is from outer space. Then the man unzips his silver jumpsuit to reveal a thong crafted from tin foil, which he insists keeps his private space parts "fresh". Then he makes a strange beeping noise over and over again as he attempts to fondle your breasts.
All in all it's a very romantic evening...which ends with both of you making love inside his cardboard space ship crafted from an old refrigerator box .
Tonight: You, Me, Nudity, Salad Dressing, A Red Clown Nose, Sex,Vomit - 38 (lower nob hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-856579885@craigslist.org?subject=Tonight:%20You,%20Me,%20Nudity,%20Salad%20Dressing,%20A%20Red%20Clown%20Nose,%20Sex,Vomit%20-%2038%20(lower%20nob%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-09-26, 3:09PM PDT
Wild Baby! Let me remove your bra and wear it as a hastily-fashioned baby bonnet while I juggle these dog turds. Do you enjoy circus pipe organ music? It's my favorite! My friend Jimmy taught me a brand new sex trick...here, take off your panties and I'll show you...I hope you brought double A batteries!
Wow...you smell sweet...like a big, human, cheese cake.
Don't drink too much bourbon tonight. If you pass out I'm going to draw a moustache on your face and write "Fun Zone" on your ass and take a picture of it with a slinky stuffed between your buttocks. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Charming, Sweet, Sprays Whip Cream On Head. Puts Cherry On Top - 41 (haight ashbury)
Reply to: mailto:pers-856595598@craigslist.org?subject=Charming,%20Sweet,%20Sprays%20Whip%20Cream%20On%20Head.%20Puts%20Cherry%20On%20Top%20%20-%2041%20(haight%20ashbury) [?]Date: 2008-09-26, 3:23PM PDT
Look at Jerry, Ladies! I'm a sexual Sundae! Pour some chocolate on Jerry and go to town! Maybe some crushed nuts...But hey! Jerry doesn't like the sound of that one..."crushed nuts" implies S&M and Jerry don't roll like that, homies! Jerry likes to have nice visits from nude women. Are you a nude woman? Come on over to Jerry's house! Admission is free for all nude woman!
Glasses, Tattoos, Cleavage, Wizard Costume,Onions, Live Monkey - 39 (west portal / forest hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-856658142@craigslist.org?subject=Glasses,%20Tattoos,%20Cleavage,%20Wizard%20Costume,Onions,%20Live%20Monkey%20-%2039%20(west%20portal%20/%20forest%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-09-26, 4:17PM PDT
Jimmy sat on the toilet hoping to pass the barbie doll head he'd swallowed during the bet. What the hell was he thinking? He should never drink that much schnapps....but he simply couldn't resist the peppermint flavor. It was like drinking a candy cane! Jimmy loved candy canes! He liked to braid them in his long flowing hair and keep a few in his rectum whenever he was cavity searched at the county jail...which, believe it or not, was A LOT.
Man In Skeleton Costume Wants To Show You His Boner - 38 (north beach / telegraph hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-856676828@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20In%20Skeleton%20Costume%20Wants%20To%20Show%20You%20His%20Boner%20-%2038%20(north%20beach%20/%20telegraph%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-09-26, 4:34PM PDT
Boy the weirdos are coming out of the woodwork this Friday...so many "Sweet", "Sensitive", "Intelligent", "Nurturing" perverts running amok on Craiggy's little list. Bet you ladies are having a hard time choosing with so many great date prospects out there! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Weird Guy With Fake Moustache Has Sign That Says Free Moustache Rides - 38 (lower haight)
Reply to: mailto:pers-856692143@craigslist.org?subject=Weird%20Guy%20With%20Fake%20Moustache%20Has%20Sign%20That%20Says%20Free%20Moustache%20Rides%20-%2038%20(lower%20haight) [?]Date: 2008-09-26, 4:49PM PDT
Warning: Admission price may vary. Sometimes he has been known to charge upwards of $2.50 per moustache ride. However, he will validate parking.
You may call him, "Mr. Tibbs" or just "Willie"
White Guy With Geri Curl and Silk Track Suit Actually Thinks He's Sexy - 38 (haight ashbury)
Reply to: mailto:pers-856803664@craigslist.org?subject=White%20Guy%20With%20Geri%20Curl%20and%20Silk%20Track%20Suit%20Actually%20Thinks%20He [?]Date: 2008-09-26, 6:43PM PDT
Tucker was sad...all his life people had made up dirty rhymes about him. He was thinking of changing his name to Larry, but that rhymed with fairy...maybe he would change is name to "Buster"...even Buster Rhymes probably couldn't rhyme anything with "Buster" ...you could say "fluster"or "cluster"..or "muster".
Even "General Custer" ...but those weren't dirty...like the other rhymes. Tucker dreamt of a magical day when he would be free of his dirty rhyme-friendly name. A day when naked women would hold a parade in his honor and throw confetti at him as we waved from his limousine.
On that day he would sport an admiral's uniform and eat hot dog buns directly from the plastic bag. The parade would be led by an army chimpanzees heavily doses with PCP and sporting little red fez hats. There would be free bottles of Worcestershire sauce for all the sexy naked ladies and a man in a pope's vestments would pass out skin-colored balloons with nipples printed on them .
Man In Astronaut Costume Claims He's From "Sex Planet" - 41 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-856837549@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20In%20Astronaut%20Costume%20Claims%20He [?]Date: 2008-09-26, 7:24PM PDT
Bobby found the costume at Thrift Town...it smelled like urine and vomit and he had a sneaking suspicion it had been used for some perverse performance at Burning Man. Bobby got an idea..not a good one...but an idea. Bobby liked science fiction...he also liked sex...he figured by combining his two interests he would achieve his goal of sexual ecstasy...Bobby liked that idea.
Bobby knew his Star Wars storm trooper uniform had failed to pull the sexy chicks he wanted to escort into his Stars Wars-themed bed chamber...with its Death Star-style bunk beds and life-like wax figure of George Lucas.
Bobby wondered why the foxy chicks avoided him. He often wondered if he should start brushing his teeth with actual tooth paste rather than cheese whiz. Perhaps his Casper The Friendly Ghost pajamas were off-putting...people normally didn't wear those to speed-dating meetings...especially not the "footie" style....but that way Bobby didn't wear out his clogs.
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