This morning Miss Helling, the English lit teacher, dared me to drink an entire bottle of Elmer's glue for $10.00. Now I'm ten dollars richer and constipated as all hell. As the art teacher at Satan's School for Girls, I should have known better. "Never, ever eat or drink the art supplies", my professors used to tell me. Now I understand why. At first I just thought it was weird to say something that obvious...but hey...then I drank some art supplies. It's like that old saying my grandfather used to tell me, "Never attempt to make a beaver skin top hat out of a live beaver". He knew this tidbit of valuable info from first hand knowledge. And boy do I mean "first hand". As a hat maker, he'd experimented with live beavers in the hat-making process and each time he came away with fewer fingers than he'd possessed before each groundbreaking experiment.
According to my grandfather it got rather dicey during the felting process.
"I could never successfully coax them into the hat block", he'd explain, somewhat ashamed. "If I could have done that I might not have a hook instead of a left hand", he'd say, displaying his blood-stained handicap. "Not that I mind the hook", he'd add optimistically. "It came in handy, so-to-speak, when I later became infamous as The Butcher of Baltimore". Apparently it made disemboweling people a hell of a lot quicker and easier.
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