Today I found out that just because it's called "chewing tobacco" doesn't mean that it's "eating tobacco". My epiphany came soon after I had swallowed a mouthful of Red Man after briefly savoring the delicious wintergreen flavor. I had crammed the entire bag into my mouth at once, attempting to impress the members of an angry lynch mob that was about to hang me. When the stunned rednecks asked me how the tobacco tasted when eaten, rather than simply chewed and spit out, I replied "Simply delicious! I'd like some more! It's just like tobacco-flavored candy!". This prompted them all to hungrily devour the contents of their bags of chewing tobacco. As the nauseous racists vomited up black blobs of undigested tobacco, I was able to escape by hastily creating a wax likeness of myself that was of museum quality. I created the likeness using a wad of mortician's wax that I had crammed into my pocket that morning. My motto is "You never know when you might need mortician's wax". Boy, you can say that again!
Question : Why were they going to lynch you?
Answer : They couldn't fathom why a grown man would be trick-or-treating in the deep south during the month of June and they insisted that my Spiderman costume revealed the fact that I was Jewish.
Question: Where did you get the mortician's wax? Did you break into a funeral home to commit necrophilia with a dead body and simply find it in the embalming room?
Question : Why were they going to lynch you?
Answer : They couldn't fathom why a grown man would be trick-or-treating in the deep south during the month of June and they insisted that my Spiderman costume revealed the fact that I was Jewish.
Question: Where did you get the mortician's wax? Did you break into a funeral home to commit necrophilia with a dead body and simply find it in the embalming room?
Answer: That's a good question, Skippy. I did ,in fact, break into a local funeral home to have sex with a corpse. It was there that I found the mortician's wax and subsequently came up with my motto, "You never know when you might need mortician's wax".
Question: That's a wonderful motto. How did you actually come up with that?
Answer: Thanks, Skippy. I like my motto, to. I simply looked at the big blob of mortician's wax in my hand and the motto just sort of popped into my head. I'm going to have some t-shirts made that say, "You never know when you might need mortician's wax".
Question: Wow! I would love one of those! Will the t-shirts feature an air-brushed rendition of R&B singing sensation Peabo Bryson?
Answer: They certainly will, Skippy.
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