As I sat inside the sweltering tent on the carnival midway, sipping dollar beers that tasted like what can only be described as cat piss, I couldn't help noticing that the emaciated stripper who was lewdly gyrating on the stage before me bore a remarkable resemblance to Popeye the sailor. The stripper who had performed before her could have been a contestant in a Rob Zombie look-a-like contest, and the girl before her had so much body hair she could have been the love child of Robin Williams and a female lycanthrope. The tent reeked of body odor,onion rings and cigarette smoke. I had to fight to keep my lunch down, which wasn't easy considering that it had consisted only of a gigantic mountain of cotton candy. The rats in this place looked like small kittens. You had to lift your feet up constantly to avoid them as they scurried around the sawdust floor scrounging for stale peanuts. Good thing I'd already had my rabies shots after the incident in that cave full of vampire bats. I'd gone in there looking for Count Dracula. Turns out he didn't actually live there. Man, those little bastards went crazy. I don't know why I'd actually believed Ricky down at the barber shop when he told me that bunch of horseshit about Count Dracula being real and living in that goddamn cave. Boy was my face red. Literally...they bit the fuck out of me. Have you ever had a vampire bat caught in your hair? How about three of them at the same time? If you haven't I wouldn't recommend it.
You might ask why the fuck I was looking for Count Dracula in a goddamn musty cave, knee-deep in bat shit. Well I run the spook house here on the carnival midway... though it's not so much a spook house as it is an old trailer covered with Halloween decorations and infested with black widow spiders. I put an old department store mannequin inside with a sheet thrown over it and splattered it with ketchup. When people walk by it, I shine a flashlight on the sucker to make it look like a ghost. Sometimes, usually when I'm drunk, I go the extra mile and put on a stupid looking Frankenstein's monster mask and leap out of an old refrigerator box that I painted up to look like a coffin. Seeing as how my spook house sucks shit, I thought Count Dracula might liven up the joint...hence my initial enthusiasm when I entered the bat cave. Well I sure as hell learned my lesson. That's why I'm here in the strip show tent...to see if I can coax some of these monsters on stage into putting in some time scaring the little bastards in my spook house. God knows these bitches are givin' me the creeps.
You might ask why the fuck I was looking for Count Dracula in a goddamn musty cave, knee-deep in bat shit. Well I run the spook house here on the carnival midway... though it's not so much a spook house as it is an old trailer covered with Halloween decorations and infested with black widow spiders. I put an old department store mannequin inside with a sheet thrown over it and splattered it with ketchup. When people walk by it, I shine a flashlight on the sucker to make it look like a ghost. Sometimes, usually when I'm drunk, I go the extra mile and put on a stupid looking Frankenstein's monster mask and leap out of an old refrigerator box that I painted up to look like a coffin. Seeing as how my spook house sucks shit, I thought Count Dracula might liven up the joint...hence my initial enthusiasm when I entered the bat cave. Well I sure as hell learned my lesson. That's why I'm here in the strip show tent...to see if I can coax some of these monsters on stage into putting in some time scaring the little bastards in my spook house. God knows these bitches are givin' me the creeps.
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