A Punch in the face for Grandma

I'd been hiding in the wax museum's Hall of History for five hours dressed as President Franklin D. Roosevelt, patiently waiting for the museum to close. I was looking forward to undressing the Angelina Jolie figure when the museum finally closed. The choice of disguising myself as FDR was so I wouldn't have to stand for such a long period of time, as they had the original figure sitting in a wheelchair (what with him having polio and all). The Winston Churchill figure situated next to me smelled like moth balls and was starting to make my nose itch. I was being careful not to forget myself and attempt a quick scratch. I might be discovered and then I would never lay eyes on those gorgeous wax ta tas that I was so looking forward to getting a peak at. When I'd infiltrated the museum the last time I was dressed as Mark Twain. Bad choice. That moustache drove me bat shit, but it was worth the risk to get at gander at Elisabeth Taylor's big wax knockers. My roommate Jimmy says that these trips to the wax museum are extremely perverted and that such behavior is uniquely disturbing. He says that I am unbalanced and should seek psychiatric help and describes my actions as a "red flag" for deep psychological problems. He should know, he is a psych major at Berkeley after all. Maybe that's why he looks so concerned and frustrated when I react to his well-informed observations by donning a red clown nose and walking around as if I am a nutty robot.

I was starting to become incredibly bored and slightly light-headed. At first I thought I was hallucinating when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Hitler quickly scratch his ass. I stared at him for a solid half hour until I finally saw the fucker blink and quickly shoot a nervous gaze in my direction. The fascist dick was trying to muscle in on my private wax titty show! When the Hall of History was momentarily free of patrons I quickly flipped Hitler the bird and drew my index finger across my neck, in a slicing motion. Hitler quickly gave me an "Up yours" gesture and pointed to his gyrating groin, making an obscene gesture with his mouth implying that I should perform fellatio on him. Now Hitler was really pissing me off. "Fuck you, you fucking interloper!" I hissed under my breath, but loud enough for the pseudo fuhrer to hear me. "These waxy melons are all mine you Nazi faggot!" I added, my face red with rage. "Suck it Roosevelt! Eat a bag of shit, you crippled dickweed!" he shot back.

Furious, I removed Stalin's right hand and heaved it at Hitler's head. He ducked as the hand hit the figure of Hideki Tojo and knocked its head off. From then on it was chaos as wax hands and heads flew in all directions. Parts of United States presidents and foreign dignitaries of decades past littered the Hall of History in the onslaught. Fake Hitler and I were eventually forcibly subdued and arrested. What a kooky day!