Ernest Saves Craig's List

Even more of my idiotic Craig's List personal postings for today...it was making me laugh so I kept doing it...it's a compulsion!

Man In Abe Lincoln Costume Wishes To Emancipate You From Sexual Boredom - 41 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-898546112@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20In%20Abe%20Lincoln%20Costume%20Wishes%20To%20Emancipate%20You%20Of%20Sexual%20Boredom%20-%2041%20(potrero%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-10-29, 3:19PM PDT

Four score and seven dates ago I freed a lovely lady of her binding virginity. It was an expansive gesture on my part and now Honest Abe is willing to go the extra mile for another lucky lady. Yes, girls, ask yourself...who is sexier than Abe Lincoln?...With my chin beard, mole and stove pipe hat. Certainly not that homo George Washington. Yes, Andrew Jackson has a nice head of hair, but he's a total dickwad. Grant's an drunk and Taft is a transvestite. What better way to spend a night of sexual ecstasy than a visit to the Lincoln bedroom?

I Want To Gently Caress Your Rubber Klingon Head And Uniform - 38 (excelsior / outer mission)
Reply to: mailto:pers-898569395@craigslist.org?subject=I%20Want%20To%20Gently%20Caress%20Your%20Rubber%20Klingon%20Head%20And%20Uniform%20-%2038%20(excelsior%20/%20outer%20mission) [?]Date: 2008-10-29, 3:37PM PDT

Warp ten ladies! Cause Arnold Fassbinder is ready to unleash the female Klingon within! To quote the Klingon Mating Ritual code "Rach Nach Blach Nack Slac Har Vac Nar!" Yes it will be hours of soft caresses and tough Klingon Love as we mate in the ancient ritual of KRAKNAR on the twelfth Klingon Moon and Mining Colony of Darkus 10! I will make you my SLARKCHARD! And together we shall achieve SLAYRVAC!

Do You Dress Up Like Wonder Woman? Sleep In A Coffin? Sniff Glue? - 35 (noe valley)
Reply to: mailto:pers-898605445@craigslist.org?subject=Do%20You%20Dress%20Up%20Like%20Wonder%20Woman%3f%20Sleep%20In%20A%20Coffin%3f%20Sniff%20Glue%3f%20%20-%2035%20(noe%20valley) [?]Date: 2008-10-29, 4:05PM PDT

BY THE POWER OF GRAY SKULL! I HAVE THE PPOOOOOOOWWWWWEEEEERRRR! To make you happy...to give you all those things the other dullards refuse to give you...like socks with barbie doll heads glued to the toes...and a bowling ball covered in blood and human hair and brain tissue. A novelty driver's license that says your name is "Cooter McDragonlick Fuckmunch III"...I'll bake you that cake shaped like the hyrdocephalic baby and glue rubber spiders on that globe...so it looks like spiders are attacking the Earth! I'll paint blood stains on your bedroom walls replicating that arterial spray you like so much and cover the floor in raw meat and sewage...just like you imagined it! We'll watch horror films twenty four hours a day and live on Dr. Pepper and cigars.

Gentle Ernest P. Worrell Impersonator Seeks Naughty Nude Nympho - 37 (nob hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-898635012@craigslist.org?subject=Gentle%20Ernest%20P.%20Worrell%20Impersonator%20Seeks%20Naughty%20Nude%20Nympo%20%20-%2037%20(nob%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-10-29, 4:29PM PDT

Hey ladies...much like Freddy "Boom Boom" Washington would say in his sexy low voice "Hi there". I am currently employed at the Six Flaggs amusement park as their resident host for the "Ernest Save Christmas" Imax 3-D experience. So I tend to like to stay in character all the time..."Know what I mean, Vern?". If you like the hilarious series of Ernest comedy films we'll get along splendidly..."Know what I mean, Vern?". I guess there's no need for me to send a picture because if you're reading this, chances are you're an "Ernest P. Worrell" fan like me...needless to say I look like the great Jim Varney. Lets get together and watch "Ernest Scared Stupid" for Halloween! A Halloween classic...know what I mean, Vern?

The Amish Sex Machine!

Well my Craig's list posts for today went a bit into outer space:

Amish Sex Machine Seeks Big-Titted Butter-Churnin' Hoe! - 41 (haight ashbury)
Reply to: mailto:pers-898391797@craigslist.org?subject=Amish%20Sex%20Machine%20Seeks%20Big-Titted%20Butter-Churnin [?]Date: 2008-10-29, 1:32PM PDT

Aye, tis what Ezekiel seeks...the woman of great abundance in character and bossom. The great heaving breasts are what I do so fancy. We'll attend a barn raising and then back to the home for some hot sex! Then we'll rise at five AM and milk the cows, perform the chores and mend that old fence...then back to the house for more hot sex! This we shall do on a daily basis if it be God's will. We shan't go among the English...and lord help us if Harrison Ford shows up in the community undercover...for that would not bode well.

Adnoid Jackson Has A Magic Sex Chicken! - 36 (castro / upper market)
Reply to: mailto:pers-898406181@craigslist.org?subject=Adnoid%20Jackson%20Has%20A%20Magic%20Sex%20Chicken!%20-%2036%20(castro%20/%20upper%20market) [?]Date: 2008-10-29, 1:42PM PDT

Yes it's sure hard to type with two raw chickens on my hands...hard to walk with them on my feet as well...and the large, raw turkey I wear as a hat weighs a goddamn ton. Maybe I should consider making a different type of fashion statement...one less raw-poultry themed. The problem is they go so well with my Elvis jumpsuit that I'd hate to break up the ensemble. Maybe I'll just lose the tuba...filled with raw chicken...that wasn't really what I was going for when I started wearing all of this. In any case...let's hook up and have some sex!

Danish Gentleman Wishes To Share Star Trek Erotica W/Frail& Elderly - 36 (downtown / civic / van ness)
Reply to: mailto:pers-898422140@craigslist.org?subject=Danish%20Gentleman%20Wishes%20To%20Share%20Star%20Trek%20Erotica%20W/Frail&%3b%20Elderly%20%20-%2036%20(downtown%20/%20civic%20/%20van%20ness) [?]Date: 2008-10-29, 1:52PM PDT

Hello I am Hans Glochnetch, man of many talents and pleasures! Today I made a lizard out of an egg carton and some tempra paint and old macaroni..I name him "Lizzy"...he's very nice! I like very much to collect the Star Trek Erotica...have chests full of fan fiction stories of crew getting it on on The U.S.S. Enterprise! Would like to share my collection with many frail and elderly people who enjoy Star Trek fan fiction erotica! Then we'll do arts and crafts and have some nice apple sauce!

Nice Hat..Faggot!

There's nothing more stomach-turning than an adult attempting to be cute, playful and fancy-free. You know, the kind of dickhead who wears a Santa Claus hat around the Christmas season. Hey asshole...do you know who should wear a Satan Claus hat? His name is fucking SANTA CLAUS, shitwit! Jesus Christ that kind of shit pisses me off...people trying to act endearing. The kind of idiots you'd like to witness taking a bad fall or getting splattered with mud by a passing car...or run over and dragged by a Muni Bus.

Today I was in Starbuck's getting my morning coffee and some thirty-something asswipe in a fucking, velvet jester hat is riding his push scooter around inside the coffee shop...like some goddamn ten year-old-kid...with his stupid velour shirt and baggy pants. A FUCKING VELVET JESTER HAT! WHAT A DOUCHE BAG! Man that kind of display gets under my skin..."Look at me! I'm so full of whimsy! Tee hee! I'm Just like Peter Pan! WEEEEEE!".

This is the type of asshole who needs a goddamn piano or 500 pound safe dropped on their head. "Whoops! Mr. Tinkerbell Fun-junkie Burning Man dickweed just got squashed all over the sidewalk! Tee hee!" ....Fuckhead!

Missed Connections

My friend Ken suggested I post a few "Missed Connections" postings on Craiggy's magical list...so I did.


To The Beautiful Midget Girl Dressed As Hitler On Bart Saturday - m4w - 36 (nob hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-896680735@craigslist.org?subject=To%20The%20Beautiful%20Midget%20Girl%20Dressed%20As%20Hitler%20On%20Bart%20Saturday%20%20-%20m4w%20-%2036%20(nob%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-10-28, 8:41AM PDT

We shared racist jokes and packets of mustard. You told me how your father was an alcoholic clown who was often chased from children's parties he was never hired to perform at and your mother was horse. We spoke of our mutual love of bacon. Then you shoved that elderly woman to the floor and threatened to vomit on her. I think your name was Mandy...or Roberta...or Mr. Findlay...I was really drunk so I can't be sure...and my monkey costume makes it hard to hear clearly sometimes.

The Redhead Punkgirl, I Helped You Drown That Rat In Your Purse W/Beer - m4w - 35 (haight ashbury)
Reply to: mailto:pers-896766736@craigslist.org?subject=The%20Redhead%20Punkgirl,%20I%20Helped%20You%20Drown%20That%20Rat%20In%20Your%20Purse%20W/Beer%20-%20m4w%20-%2035%20(haight%20ashbury) [?]Date: 2008-10-28, 9:35AM PDT

I've never met anyone who enjoyed doing things like that! Man , did that get messy or what? I loved it when you slapped that little kid across his fat mouth and told him to "stop screaming, it's just a filthy rat!". God that was priceless! And when you kicked that old man I thought I was going to die laughing! Did you really end up selling his walker or just dumping it? I have never met a woman who can drink so much Jack Daniels and not die of alcohol poisoning! Let's hook up again baby!

To the Woman who said I looked like a Chucky Doll! - m4w - 30 (SOMA / south beach)
Reply to: mailto:pers-897142038@craigslist.org?subject=To%20the%20Woman%20who%20said%20I%20looked%20like%20a%20Chucky%20Doll!%20-%20m4w%20-%2030%20(SOMA%20/%20south%20beach) [?]Date: 2008-10-28, 1:29PM PDT

Okay so granted I am a carrot-topped midget who favors denim overalls and striped shirts...but this "Hey are you a Good Guys doll?" bullshit was wack, girl! I get that shit all of the time from my co-workers but you had to say that shit at the roller disco in front of all the foxy chicks in tight silk shorts and pink tube tops with feathered hair. An when you donned that goddamn Chaka from Land Of The Lost costume and threw feces at me you crossed the line! All I did was ask you to take a spin around the roller disco and you had to get rude and make me look like a douche bag, horror icon. Well how would you feel if I really did act like Chucky and did those horrible things! And I did understand your stupid joke about Chachi from Happy Days...I just don't know what "Wah Wah Wah" means or why it's supposed to be so damn funny.

You helped me change my diaper and apply my clown make up - m4w - 36 (nob hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-897176111@craigslist.org?subject=You%20helped%20me%20change%20my%20diaper%20and%20apply%20my%20clown%20make%20up%20%20-%20m4w%20-%2036%20(nob%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-10-28, 1:52PM PDT

Seriously thanks for the help. I couldn't get to those hard to reach areas with the pirate hooks on both hands. Next Time I'll just use one...and without so much duct tape! And next time I won't eat so many frozen burritos before I do a kid's party gig! It felt like my ass had been burned with a blown torch! I don't always play "Arggy The Pirate Clown"...usually it's "Mr. Pickles" or "Danny Wet Whistle" ...I have an entire arsenal of characters I do. Sorry the ventriloquist dummy freaked you out...I made him up like for Halloween...and he doesn't usually grope women...I don't know what got into the little sucker! I'm going to spank his rotten little butt! I'll film it and send you a tape!

You didn't tell me your name...even though I asked like twelve times...or your phone number and address either...I'll need those to send you the tape of me spanking my ventriloquist dummy's bare ass

We talked about how much fun it would be to kill a unicorn - m4w - 35 (noe valley)
Reply to: mailto:pers-898359085@craigslist.org?subject=We%20talked%20about%20how%20much%20fun%20it%20would%20be%20to%20kill%20a%20unicorn%20-%20m4w%20-%2035%20(noe%20valley) [?]Date: 2008-10-29, 1:13PM PDT

At John's party, Saturday. You said the meat would taste like venison but with a magical flavor. Then we talked about stomping a leprechaun to death and ripping the wings off of a fairy. I think I may be in love!

Paco Liking The Sponge Bob Square Pants Of Love!

More Craig's list personal ads

Paco Has Pin~ata Filled W/Condoms/Sex Toys Invite Ladies to Fiesta! - 36 (mission district)

Reply to: mailto:pers-894431465@craigslist.org?subject=Paco%20Has%20Pin~ata%20Filled%20W/Condoms/Sex%20Toys%20Invite%20Ladies%20to%20Fiesta!%20-%2036%20(mission%20district) [?]Date: 2008-10-26, 2:25PM PDT

Paco has emptied out Sponge Bob Square Pants Pin~ata for to fill Sponge Bob with condoms and sex toys for to making sweet love with much sex juice! Many love fiesta we have for to make Sponge Bob blow up with sex! Sponge Bob for to produce many condoms and toys for to making good sex with Paco! Paco have many sweet love making experience for not to disappoint sexist ladies of love! Help Sponge Bob explode with sex for to helping Paco make sweet love making to all the sexist ladies! Many organisms Paco will assure the ladies during making of sexual love with Paco! Much sex juice to come from Paco for to making great sexist love!

Man Puts Baguette, Two Onions In Underwear To Enhance Sex Appeal - 38 (financial district)

Reply to: mailto:pers-894469925@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20Puts%20Baguette,%20Two%20Onions%20In%20Underwear%20To%20Enhance%20Sex%20Appeal%20-%2038%20(financial%20district) [?]Date: 2008-10-26, 2:58PM PDT

Bob attempted to prove his new "boner enhancement" theory by venturing out with his groin stuffed to ridiculously obscene proportions. He made sure no one would recognized him by donning a cheap Mexican Cantinflas mask and marching band uniform. He tested his theory at several watering holes and hot spots frequented by all the sexy ladies for whom Bob harbored tremendous sexual longings...he figured with a gargantuan erection in his new marching band uniform pants he would be able to increase his chances of sexual intercourse with several of the beautiful ladies he so desired. The theory didn't seem to hold much water. The sexy ladies seemed to avoid eye contact with Bob...quickly walking away from him when he attempted to strike up conversations with them about the possibility of engaging in sexual intercourse. Some of the sexy ladies even seemed to be laughing at Bob. Perhaps he would require an even greater erection enhancing method...or a stronger aftershave. Bob was a patient man...soon this erection business would all be worked out...Bob figured by the end of the week he would have three girlfriends...he had three days left to figure out the mistakes in his theory...then on to the sex!

Winkie McDoodie Britches Will Gladly Provide Ladies With Sexual Extacy - 36 (haight ashbury)

Reply to: mailto:pers-894490000@craigslist.org?subject=Winkie%20McDoodie%20Britches%20With%20Gladly%20Provide%20Ladies%20With%20Sexual%20Extacy%20-%2036%20(haight%20ashbury) [?]Date: 2008-10-26, 3:16PM PDT

Yes Ladies, My name and appearance may be idiotic, but looks can be deceiving..get past the red clown nose and fuzzy pink top hat..the plaid pants, diving flippers and Nazi uniform jacket...and you'll find a randy sex monster willing to provide you a daily quota of sexual ecstasy. Nevermind the licorice braided into my hair...or the underwear worn on the outside of my pants...and completely disregard the giant pacifier and the rainbows painted on my cheeks....I get confused when I huff too much spray paint...so I think I may have dug my clothes out of the wrong box this morning...it was on the street so I assumed the shit was free...I'm not sure how the licorice got braided into my hair though...especially the lower half. Aside from sexual ecstasy I also stole several bags of Halloween candy we can split. It will be cool.

Paco Liking to Put Sex Burrito Into Sex Taco Of Love For To Make Sex! - 36 (SOMA / south beach)

Reply to: mailto:pers-894515953@craigslist.org?subject=Paco%20Liking%20to%20Put%20Sex%20Burrito%20Into%20Sex%20Taco%20Of%20Love%20For%20To%20Make%20Sex!%20-%2036%20(SOMA%20/%20south%20beach) [?]Date: 2008-10-26, 3:40PM PDT

Paco liking all of the sexist ladies for to make hot juice of Sex with Paco! Paco like the cha cha cha of sexist ladies for to make like Paco is the Batman of sex and your are the Pussy Woman. Paco say I the Batman for to making superhero of love! Paco wear Batman head for to making love to the Pussy Woman like in The Batman Returns with the Michelle Piper! Paco got Batman head for to Halloween costume but for sex! Also got cape! Many times we make hot sex like the Batman!

Man Dressed As Jolly Green Giant Looking To Meet Ho, Ho, Hoes! - 35 (potrero hill)

Reply to: mailto:pers-894547266@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20Dressed%20As%20Jolly%20Green%20Giant%20Looking%20To%20Meet%20Ho,%20Ho,%20Hoes!%20-%2035%20(potrero%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-10-26, 4:09PM PDT

You, me, Bobby the sex midget, Vaseline, a dog's leash, rubber gloves, a pumpkin, edible under wear (several boxes...gonna be a long night and Bobby the sex midget is hungry), a Playschool doctor's kit, devil horns, crayons, a raw turkey, one bowl diced onions, Star Wars bedsheets, a butter knife, nurse uniform, Darth Vadar helmet with dildo attached, two boxes of extra large condoms, a cake shaped like two large boobs, several cans of creamed corn, a hot tub, an LP titled "Jerry Lewis Just Sings"...played at extra slow speed, and a DVD of "Ernest Saves Christmas"...you bring the champagne

New Boob And Butt Polish! It's Amazing!

My latest Craig's list personal posts...for the pervert in all of us.

Man Invents New Boob And Butt Polish! Seeks All-Female Test Group! - 38 (haight ashbury)

Reply to: mailto:pers-892111354@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20Invents%20New%20Boob%20And%20Butt%20Polish!%20Seeks%20All-Female%20Test%20Group!%20%20-%2038%20(haight%20ashbury) [?]Date: 2008-10-24, 1:17PM PDT

It's Sammy's brand new invention ladies! New Boob and Butt polish for the ladies! Let Sammy liberally apply my new polish to the aforementioned body parts for fantastic results! Shiny new boobs and buttocks can be yours today! It's what you sexy, saucy ladies have been waiting for! Ever since the stroke I've been getting wonderful new ideas such as this! Being a shut in can have its advantages too! Like thinking up great ideas like this one all day long! It keeps Sammy's mind off the painful bed sores and the catheter!

You, Me, Dinner, Wine, Dancing, A Midget, A Fake Beard, Toilet Paper - 42 (noe valley)

Reply to: mailto:pers-892130649@craigslist.org?subject=You,%20Me,%20Dinner,%20Wine,%20Dancing,%20A%20Midget,%20A%20Fake%20Beard,%20Toilet%20Paper%20-%2042%20(noe%20valley) [?]Date: 2008-10-24, 1:30PM PDT

Pass me my crutches would you Rothchild? I feel like the gout has let up enough that I might enjoy a sabbatical from this foot-related pain. Something sexual...involving several nude women and possibly several gallons of salad oil and a slip n' slide. Quick! Fetch my genie costume from the fruit cellar! And load up my cello case with the mummified infant inside! It's time for a little erotic adventure! Yes Rothchild! I shall tonight scale the heights of sexual ecstasy...fetch my truss and the adult diapers! Warm up the Model A! We have no time to lose! The naked women are out amongst the living! I shall seek them out for my pleasure!

Man With Pocket Full Of Condoms And Wedding Ring Seeks Date - 37 (castro / upper market)

Reply to: mailto:pers-892157645@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20With%20Pocket%20Full%20Of%20Condoms%20And%20Wedding%20Ring%20Seeks%20Date%20-%2037%20(castro%20/%20upper%20market) [?]Date: 2008-10-24, 1:48PM PDT

Hi all you beautiful ladies out there...boy, it's hard to type with such sweaty hands...my fingers keep slipping off of the keyboard. I'm so nervous because I know tonight's the night for love! My name is Jerry Johnson...and I am seeking that special lady for an adventure in Sexland! It's a place I made up in my brain...where there's lots of sex...even the roller coasters there have sex things on them...like breasts and the other lady parts. It's a fun place and it always has a big rainbow above it in the sky! But the rainbow is made of multi-colored condoms! If you come over to Jerry Johnson's house tonight...we can go to Sexland! Admission is free because in Sexland I'm kind of like Walt Disney...but not with cartoon characters...with ladies with big boobs!

Sexual Dynamo In Peter Pan Costume Spills Melted Ice Cream On Tights! - 37 (richmond / seacliff)
Reply to: mailto:pers-892176214@craigslist.org?subject=Sexual%20Dynamo%20In%20Peter%20Pan%20Costume%20Spills%20Melted%20Ice%20Cream%20On%20Tights!%20-%2037%20(richmond%20/%20seacliff) [?]Date: 2008-10-24, 2:01PM PDT

Well it's that time of year again, Ladies. Freddy Jackson needs some sexual healing and he wants all you sexy thangs to be his nurse! First we'll disrobe and climb into a bathtub filled with chocolate milk...then well rub egg salad into our hair and have a contest to see who does the best Arnold Stang impression. Then, once we have made our pointy, red hats, we'll put on the soundtrack to the Disney film, "The Gnome Mobile" and run in circles, screaming at the top of our lungs as if a giant is chasing us. Then I will cover you with melted Velveeta and lick you! Trust me...you won't get an offer like that from just anyone...that comes straight from Freddy Jackson himself.

Ronald McDonald Impersonator Orders Some "McSex" - 36 (downtown / civic / van ness)

Reply to: mailto:pers-892350393@craigslist.org?subject=Ronald%20McDonald%20Impersonator%20Orders%20Some%20%22McSex%22%20%20%20-%2036%20(downtown%20/%20civic%20/%20van%20ness) [?]Date: 2008-10-24, 4:19PM PDT

Then Jimmy donned his leather thong and dunce cap and began throwing feces at the windows of the church..it wasn't HIS feces. He found it in the hallway of his apartment building...next to the bloody clown costume and the wooden shoes spiked with nails...he figured someone sure must have had them self one hell of a good time! Now it was going to be Jimmy's turn! His Lee press-on nails were drying and ready to rip some flesh. Now if he could just get the rubber fist out of his butt he'd be good to go! Guess Pepto Bismal would have been a better choice to stop the diarrhea.

R.I.P Human Tornado!

R.I.P. Rudy Ray Moore. I've just heard from fellow Rudy Ray Moore enthusiast, Ken Dashner, that "The Human Tornado" himself has passed away. God speed Dolemite! Moore was 71 years old. I'm hoping there is a trick ending to this and, just like at the end of "The Human Tornado"...Rudy Ray Moore rises from the grave, laughing with glee, an unstoppable force.

Or better yet, since it's October...let's envision Rudy's death more like MIchael Meyers' in John Carpenter's "Halloween":

Interior-Doyle Residence-Hallway-Halloween Night.

Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) rests against the master bedroom door, panting and exhausted. Behind her lay the body of Dolemite/The Human Tornado (Rudy Ray Moore). Laurie has just fought the Human Tornado to the death (or so it seems) stabbing him in the chest. She calls for the children, Tommy and Lindsey who have been hiding.

Laurie : Babies! It's Okay..come on out...

The children rush to Laurie looking frightened.

Tommy: Where's The Human Tornado?

Laurie : I killed him....

Tommy: He's been known to rise up but he'll cool down later! He's a bad motor scooter! He's a human tornado!

Suddenly Rudy Ray Moore rises up and turns to face Laurie. The Children scream and bolt down the hallway in terror.

Cue suspenseful John Carpenter score....and...ahhhh...yeah....

Clowny Wants To Take Part In The Sex Act

My most recent Craig's List personal ads :

Man With Adult Diaper On Head Fakes Brain Injury, Fondles Random Women - 38 (haight ashbury)

Reply to: mailto:pers-883310286@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20With%20Adult%20Diaper%20On%20Head%20Fakes%20Brain%20Injury,%20Fondles%20Random%20Women%20-%2038%20(haight%20ashbury) [?]Date: 2008-10-17, 3:08PM PDT

Who didn't mourn the passing of the great, Jerry Reed? Are not mannequins people too? At least shape-wise? If you cut off my head...do I not bleed? All these questions and more await you on your date with Jimmy "teabag" Johnson and his pal Clowny.

Make sure you bring the required list of items that Clowny will need for his part in the sex act.

1.) A trampoline

2.) A single juggling pin

3.) Dish soap

4.) Grape jelly

5.) A fake, black moustache

6.) Onion rings

7.) Fake, rubber buttocks

8.) Paper towels


Man Wants To Put Your Panties In His Mouth And Chew Them Like Gum - 38 (bernal heights)

Reply to: mailto:pers-883286352@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20Wants%20To%20Put%20Your%20Panties%20In%20His%20Mouth%20And%20Chew%20Them%20Like%20Gum%20-%2038%20(bernal%20heights) [?]Date: 2008-10-17, 2:50PM PDT

Somebody call 9-1-1 'cause Dickie's on fire, ladies!! Some interesting facts about Dickie :


1.) Dickie likes to perform in a variety of sexual positions and situations, some of which require elaborate costumes and religious vestments...and the occasional bag of hot dog buns.

2.) Dickie has previously employed tooth paste in the sex act.

3.) Dickie likes squishy, rubber things.

4.) Dickie has a vast supply of condoms contraceptive devices in many shapes and colors...some which can even be used to make balloon animals.

5.) Sometimes Dickie likes to smoke a pipe because he believes it makes him appear intellectual.

6.) Dickie smells like sulfur.


Man Creates Batman Cowl Out of Black, Silk Panties And Bra! - 39 (SOMA / south beach)

Reply to: mailto:pers-883338599@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20Creates%20Batman%20Cowl%20Out%20of%20Black,%20Silk%20Panties%20And%20Bra!%20%20-%2039%20(SOMA%20/%20south%20beach) [?]Date: 2008-10-17, 3:32PM PDT

Employing a black, silk nightie for a cape, Jackie has created his own makeshift sex-themed Batman ensemble. Jackie is the Dark Knight...but very silky and sexy. See Jackie run around the room with his arms held out before him as if Jackie is flying. Jackie makes a good Batman. Jackie impresses you as a sexual dynamo. See Jackie fight crime! See Jackie's makeshift Batcave which is really just his mother's basement. See Jackie's Batcycle...which appears to be a regular bicycle with some rubber bat's attached to the handlebars. See Jackie fight the evil Santa Claus light-up porch decoration!

See Jackie try to lick you! See Jackie eat a pizza hot pocket!


Man In Fred Krueger Mask Goes Trick Or Treating For Sex - 41 (potrero hill)

Reply to: mailto:pers-883366332@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20In%20Fred%20Krueger%20Mask%20Goes%20Trick%20Or%20Treating%20For%20Sex%20-%2041%20(potrero%20hill) [?]Date: 2008-10-17, 3:55PM PDT

Ronald would try anything to get some hot sex from the foxy ladies. This was his latest approach...trick or treating for some hot sex with all the foxy chicks...see rather than candy...which is what people usually go trick or treating for...Ronald thought he would try a different approach...he would go trick or treating for sex. This way he might get some sex from all the foxy and sexy ladies who opened their door for Ronald. Ronald was very clever in this way. It was a fabulous idea that would probably get him a lot of hot sex. He also brought a plastic jack-o-lantern with him in case they wanted to give him candy instead of hot sex

I Make Sex To You! Many Organisms You Will Have With Paco! - 41 (noe valley)

Reply to: mailto:pers-874474646@craigslist.org?subject=I%20Make%20Sex%20To%20You!%20Many%20Organisms%20You%20Will%20Have%20With%20Paco!%20-%2041%20(noe%20valley) [?]Date: 2008-10-10, 3:35PM PDT

I making for to sex with you for to have many organisms of love juice! Paco is the man for to making good sex to all the sexist ladies in Bay Area! Paco has magic wand of sex juice for to making love to ladies with the cha cha cha! Many time we makes sex in one night! Paco sex man of many magic! Paco sometime wear wizards hat for to making sex! All the sexist ladies will for to love Paco!


Man Replaces Chest Hair With Cotton Candy To Entice The Sexy Ladies - 41 (castro / upper market)

Reply to: mailto:pers-874523631@craigslist.org?subject=Man%20Replaces%20Chest%20Hair%20With%20Cotton%20Candy%20To%20Entice%20The%20Sexy%20Ladies%20-%2041%20(castro%20/%20upper%20market) [?]Date: 2008-10-10, 4:26PM PDT

Larry is also wearing a suit made of fruit roll ups and shoes made of chocolate! He's very sticky and very tangy! The Ladies will love Larry. That is a simple fact. Larry is now very chewy and ready for his big date with a foxy lady of the night!

Oddjob's Hat

Here's a very idiotic aspect to my thought process as a human being :

Up for auction, September 1998 :

ODD JOB HAT --A black felt derby hat with a customized mounted steel brim worn by Harold Sakata during his portrayal as Odd Job in "Goldfinger" (United Artists, 1964). The hat can be seen prominently throughout the spy-thriller, worn by Goldfinger's manservant Odd Job; the vicious strong-arm killer who used the hat as a deadly device sharp enough to sever the head off a stone statue. This is a most famous hat from the ultimate Bond film. PROVENANCE: From the estate of Harold Sakata. 11 inches diameter. ESTIMATE: $20,000/$30,000

"The steel-rimmed bowler hat used to deadly effect by Oddjob, one of the most famous Bond villains of all, has sold for more than £60,000 at a massive auction of 007 memorabilia.
After frantic bidding at Christie's in London, an anonymous telephone bidder eventually secured the hat for £62,000."

Here's the stupid part : Had I that kind of money burning a hole in my pocket, I probably would have bought Oddjob's hat . I do believe that may classify me as an idiot. I would like to think this fact would qualify me as "delightfully eccentric"...but I'm fairly certain "idiot" is more appropriate in this case.

Halloween Kudos To You, Nancy Stephens

I am a total geek for John Carpenter's "Halloween". I watch the film every year, usually, but not always on Halloween night. I build up to watching this classic by watching all of the crappy sequels over the month of October. I usually start with the worst and work my way up in terms of quality...so I usually begin with parts 4 and 5, then the first ten minutes of "Halloween: Resurrection"...and so on and so on.

While the higher profile involvement of Jamie Lee Curtis and Donald Pleasence dominate the series it should be pointed out that Nancy Stephens played the role of Nurse Marion Chambers in no less than three of the Halloween Films : "Halloween", "Halloween II" and "Halloween H20 : Twenty Years Later". Why should this be pointed out? No reason, other than I am a total horror nerd with a head full of ridiculous trivia such as this.

Another Nice Mess

Today I wanted to create a nice post that would utilize the word "Gonorrhea" in the title. Something flashy and exciting, like : "The Gonorrhea Follies of 1932" or "Gonorrhea Jackson and the Magic Sandwich Spread". But a funny thing happen on the way to my blog...I suffered a brief flashback of watching the film, "New Years Evil" on television when I was young. In that film the killer wore a Stan Laurel mask. Yes...I will repeat that..THE KILLER WORE A STAN LAUREL MASK. What does this have to do with anything? It doesn't...but it's pretty damn weird. I would like to remake this crappy slasher film so that I too can PLAY A PSYCHO KILLER IN A STAN LAUREL MASK.

For some reason this strikes a chord in me...this Stan Laurel-mask-wearing killer. It's funny for all the wrong reasons. It's completely stupid..like Jerry Lewis dressed as a Chinaman with coke bottle glasses and big buck teeth....it shouldn't be funny...but because of that fact it becomes one of those twisted things that makes you have to laugh at inappropriate moments...like during a eulogy.

I think I had this flashback because I recently came across one of the funniest collection of objects I've ever seen....CHEAP, MEXICAN HALLOWEEN MASKS. Good God these things are hideously hilarious. They appear to be likenesses of celebrities and politicians...but the only one I can figure out is Mexican comedy legend, Cantinflas....and maybe one that's supposed to be Vice President, Dick Cheney...but I can't be certain of that one. These things rule! I'm going to buy them all and start a band called Cheap, Mexican Halloween Masks...or maybe just Mexican Halloween Masks. The band can be featured in my remake of "New Years Evil"...

The latest and most retarded version of the Mr. Laurel mask featured here is what I will be sporting as the psychotic killer. It's pretty awful in a gloriously stupid way. Better yet, Stan looks as if he might have made the great trek across the Mexican border with Cantiflas and "Maybe" Dick Cheney.

When there's no more room in Hell.....

Wanna know an easy way to possibly get the living shit beat out of you this Halloween? Why not try trick or treating in this little baby. I mean, HOLY FUCKING SHIT....this is just so...well...insane.

I used to have a revenge fantasy about sending an ex-boss a witch's pointed hat and broomstick for Christmas and seeing her opening them in front of a crowd at an employee Christmas party. I think I just added another item to my little care package.

Bewitched

Much like Woody Allen's joke about falling in love with the evil witch, rather than the more obvious choice of Snow White, when he first saw the Disney version of "Snow White And The Seven Dwarves", I too fell for the evil witch queen, Zenobia (played by Margaret Whiting) when I first saw the film, "Sinbad and The Eye Of The Tiger".

This Ray Harryhausen effects-driven film was a favorite of mine as a kid, as were all of Harryhausen's films. But this one I favored for a different reason than usual. Zenobia gave me a special feeling in the velvet shorts I wore as a boy...back in the Victorian age...when my nanny dressed me like Buster Brown...with my long flowing curls and frilled collar...I was quite a playful scamp, skipping about with my over-sized lollipop and my dog Scraps at my side...wait...what the fuck was I yammering on about this time? Oh yes...my witch boner. This woman was a total evil bitch and I loved her for it! But then I'm the type who was sad when Lena Olin had her intestines blown into bullet-ridden spaghetti sauce in "Romeo Is Bleeding"...but that's just how I roll, baby!

The Lena Olin thing could be because she reminds me of my ex-girlfriend..who also gives me a special feeling in my velvet Buster Brown shorts....the one's I wear to appear a creepy man-child, like Sid Haig in "Spider Baby", or Michael Jackson.

The Jolly, Green, Monstrous Bastard

Ahhhhh, October 1st at last! My yearly month-long horror marathon can now begin. Tonight my very good friend Netflix has presented me with a Vincent Price double feature, "Theater Of Blood" and "Madhouse". I love Vincent Price. If I was a gay necrophile I would dig up his corpse and marry him. But thankfully I am neither gay nor a necrophile...wait, did that sound homophobic or just crazy?

But, nevermind Mr. Price for the time being, seeing as Halloween now approaches, I would like to bring up the monstrous beast known as The Jolly, Green Giant. As a small child, this terrifying, behemoth scared the living shit out of me. The deep chuckling "Ho Ho Ho" and his green skin and leafy hair I found to be the stuff of nightmares.

Something about how he always stood far off in the distance implied approaching doom and filled me with dread. I found him not jolly, but horrifying. His green skin and leaves for hair implied that he was not human, but some type of vegetable-spawned monster. It didn't help matters that, as I child, I detested vegetables of any kind.

He wasn't jolly and lovable to me...he was more like the hideous, green Gargantua from "War Of The Gargantuas". In fact, he still kind of gives me the creeps...off in the distance with his deep, booming laugh...he's probably laughing because he just ate some people...people who dared to eat his vegetable brethren.