Dentures of Death

I had to do something drastic to get the elderly couple out of their box, so this morning I electrocuted them with a cattle prod. The male didn't seem to take to electrocution too well and went into cardiac arrest. I remedied that my giving him another jolt to liven him up. That seemed to set the old boy straight. This is what I get for keeping elderly people as pets. I took them for a walk in Golden Gate Park and then bought them some sandwiches at Pappy's. The cashier asked if they were my grandparents and I informed him that there were actually pets and that I hadn't thought of names for them yet. She thought I was kidding. She asked why I simply didn't just call them by their given names. I told her that they were my pets and that I would call them whatever I damn well pleased. Then I spit on her and called her a dim-witted mutant. The nerve!

I had to name them something eventually, so I went to my neighborhood hobby shop and purchased a label maker. I printed two name tags out when I got home. One reading : Elderly person # 1, and the second reading "Jimbo Jackson". I pinned the first to the female and the second to the male...and then, just to amuse myself I also made them a pair of price tags. Elderly person #1 was reasonably priced at $72.35...and Jimbo Jackson was priced at the exorbitant sum of $220.00.

They are still rather skittish around me despite the fact that I bought them both nice tubes of denture creme, canes and hearing aids. I also gave them two bags of Toffee Fay and Worther's butter candy and a few back issues of Reader's Digest to keep them amused. Elderly person #1 told me they would feel much more comfortable back at the retirement home and that they would feel much safer if I wouldn't take so much LSD. I told Elderly Person #1 to shut her wrinkled old mouth before I bitch slapped her like a ho. That's when the male attacked me with a steak knife. He was surprisingly strong for and elderly man and very agile for his age.

Once I get these wounds clean I'm heading out to track them. They'd be foolish to head back to the retirement home as I have well-placed friends there...which is how I acquired them in the first place. When I get them back home there's going to be hell to pay. I've already brought the dental chair up from the basement. If those two have any original teeth left in their heads they won't for long! Goddamn elderly fuckers!