Manny called this morning. He wanted to know how the homemade embalming fluid turned out. I told him I wasn't sure if I used enough Karo syrup...and maybe too much Palmolive. I think I have the right ratio of Vaseline though. I'm not so sure that the 3/4 cup of Mountain Dew was really a good idea...it seemed to turn the fluid a bit too acidic. I'm starting to think a bargain basement (literally) funeral parlor was not such a hot idea...or rather, not such a "cool idea" as we failed to take into account that the basement has no air conditioning or circulation. The fans don't seem to do much about the smell and our first customer seemed to take offense to this. He asked to see my license and when I showed it too him, he said that he was very happy that I could drive a car but he wanted to see my mortician's license. I showed him the certificate of achievement that I had come with a picture frame I bought...the one I had doctored with liquid paper. I think the man must have had really terrible eyesight as he seemed satisfied after examining it. He didn't seem to notice that I was, in fact, a self-licensed "cleavage inspector" rather than a mortician. Who knew an undertaker needed a license?
I was looking in the brochure for the college of mortuary science and noticed that the process of facial reconstruction employed the use of something called "mortician's wax". I had to make do with silly putty and a couple of pink birthday cake candles, but given what I had to work with I'd say I didn't do half bad...and by that I mean half of the face looks fucked up (the half that I tried to reconstruct) and the other half looks normal (the tissue that was not damaged).
The coffin was easy enough. I spray-painted a refrigerator box black and was good to go. "Waste not, want not" is our motto...it is until we get some better Mortician's shit anyway...I'm not a goddamn wizard....but then, people didn't hire me expecting a wizard...they hired me expecting a mortician...so I guess it evens out that I am actually neither. I'm just a guy with a black suit, a basement apartment and a dream.
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