Uncle Dick

My skin has become very itchy after brushing my teeth with Comet cleanser. I thought they would be all shiny and white like a bathtub after I was done. Now my gums are turning green.

This is what I get for taking advise from a talking cat. I'm not even sure that it was a real cat, given the fact that it was performing inside of a puppet theatre and was wearing a top hat and a monocle. I really need to use more discretion. I should have asked to see its legs before taking its advise on face value. No wonder Uncle Dick's ghost has yet to reveal to me where he buried his chest of pirate treasure and magic beans. He always said I was a gullible simpleton. But, hell, if it wasn't for Uncle Dick I would never have known that a giant mosquito takes you up to Heaven when you are asleep and makes you strong like the Incredible Hulk, or that Popeye the Sailor was actually a real person who died in the gas chamber at San Quentin for cannibalizing a Catholic family during the depression.

Uncle Dick was a very important person when he was alive. I remember him once showing me his 2005 Three Stooges calendar with several dates marked with notes concerning meetings and luncheon dates with famous rock stars and movie actresses...a number of which he happened to be having simultaneous love affairs with. He also met with foreign dignitaries to consult them on world affairs and held a seat in congress for several years in secrecy. I remember back in 1970s when he created a real light sabre, but he couldn't show it to me because he felt I would think it was so cool that I might hurt myself trying to become a Jedi Knight. Uncle Dick said he had stolen the plans from Darth Vadar when he was helping Luke Skywalker blow up the Death Star.

Whenever I learned anything new from Uncle Dick I would write it down on a list that I kept, titled "What I learned from Uncle Dick". The list included such important facts and lessons as :

1.) Samuel L. Jackson is the descendant of a race of minotaurs

2.) Walt Disney invented Mickey Mouse when he was being held captive in a p.o.w. camp during the Vietnam War. The Vietcong kept him inside a watery cage where he was constantly attacked my savage mice. His psychiatrist suggested that he create a friendly persona for the mice to deal with his flashbacks and nightmares.

3.) Uncle Dick once saved a maternity ward full of newborn babies by killing a cobra with a wicked karate chop move that he learned when he was in Japan on a top secret mission.

4.) Uncle Dick was Mick Jagger's and Keith Richard's second cousin and could go back stage at any Rolling Stones concert and jam with them and do lots of drugs. He has pictures at a bunch of shows but he can't show them to anyone or the F.B.I would see them and arrest him for drugs.

5.) Uncle Dick once got high with Cheech and Chong when they picked him up hitchhiking. He ended up helping them write one of their movies in their hotel room because they thought he was so funny. They paid him in pot.