It was a close call, but I managed to be excused from jury duty by wearing a wizard costume and flowing white beard to the court house. I was eliminated from the Jury member selection when I proclaimed that I was looking forward to performing my civic duty for the betterment of Middle Earth. Then I waved my hands about as if casting a magical spell. The impending trial concerned an out patient from the state hospital who had been caught making love to a statue of Paul Bunyan. It was a death penalty trial and I couldn't fathom sitting around for six months waiting to have blood on my hands when I could simply open fire on a crowd of innocent people down at my neighborhood Outback Steakhouse. I had bigger fish to fry. Literally. I wasn't about to risk my job at Long John Silver's to put an insane giant fucker to death by lethal injection. I had fought for that job tooth and nail, rallying the company for the reinstatement of employee pirate costumes.
I did however use the jury duty summons to take the rest of the day off. I roller bladed around the waterfront at the beach in my wizard costume, performing my favorite moves from my favorite film of all time, "Xanadu". I bought a hot dog from the Cheech's hot dog stand and shoved it into my under pants, periodically lifting up the front of my wizard's gown to show the foxy ladies on the boardwalk. I had what they used to refer to as "Boogie Fever" and I hoped it was contagious, but not fatal.
No comments:
Post a Comment