Much like my attempts at swallowing a live bat, I regret to admit that my little "stab" at amateur open heart surgery has failed.
This is so fucked, man! I even bought that pop up anatomy book and these doctor's scrubs from Thrift Town to make it seem more professional. I am gonna be up shit creek without a goddamn paddle when Raven comes home and finds her Grandpa like this. This shit looks like something out of one of those goddamn Hellraiser movies...or the part in "The Silence of the Lambs" when Hannibal Lecter skins that cop. What a mess! What was I thinking drinking all of that Country Club Malt Liquor to calm my nerves before the operation?? It just tasted so refreshing.This is worse than the time I made that snowman out of ice cream and it melted all over the kitchen floor. In fact it's MUCH worse because that accident did not involve a hastily disemboweled loved one. Raven asks me why I do these insane things...I don't ever have answer that doesn't include the words "another wacky misadventure", so I usually just stare at her blankly and pretend I didn't hear her question.
How the fuck am I going to get all of these bloodstains out of the carpet?
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