After the idiots had fallen for my Walt Disney disguise, I entered the dwarfs' cottage and pulled my Beretta. The seven little douche bags thought better of attempting a group attack after I shot Grumpy in the kneecap to make the point that I was not fucking around. They screamed that they didn't know where Snow White was and that they didn't want any trouble. I told them I didn't give a rat's goddamn ass where Snow White was, and that this was concerning a little matter to be taken up with the dwarfs themselves. One by one I handed them each a legal document stating that their requests for their names to be legally changed had been approved by the Magic Kingdom. They seemed puzzled by my actions, as if they were they were those of a crazy person.
"Your moustache is falling off, Mr. Disney", Happy informed me. Pressing my phony moustache back onto my lip, I muttered something about the cryogenic chamber altering the molecules of my facial hair. "Okay you little fuckers", I hissed..."We're gonna have ourselves a little role call". Still they stared, slack-jawed, as if I had totally lost my mind. The seven dwarfs each read aloud their new name, one by one: "Roopledork", "Salmon Slap Jackson", "Ring Worm", " Jo Jo Lucky Penny", "Mr. Bling Bling", "Big Dong McDoodle", "Licky".
There was a long uncomfortable silence before I finally rose and gave them each a bottle Pepto Bismol, placed a paper bag over my head and departed the cottage, whistling the theme song to "Hawaii 5-O". I like to think that in my own special way, I changed the course of history that day.
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