Dear diary, I awoke this morning and dressed for court. Thought I would try a new approach for a prosecuting attorney so I donned the Bat Man costume that I normally reserve for my photo op appearances at Comic Con. Had to ride the bus as the Mercedes was in the shop being converted into a makeshift Bat Mobile. I was hoping it would be finished in time for my closing arguments for the full Dark Knight effect, but alas I was S.O.L.
The defendant seemed to find my costume amusing, but Judge Taylor did not and I was reprimanded and sent home to change while the court adjourned until I could return in more suitable attire. When I returned dressed as the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz I was found in contempt of court and fined $150.00 or one night in county jail. I paid the fine and was sent home yet again to rethink my attire. When I returned dressed as Boba Fett, I was removed from the courtroom by two deputies and escorted to the county lockup. Judge Taylor sent word that if I did not comply with the proper dress code I was to be removed from the trial.
Dear Diary, I finally complied with the judge's wishes and dressed conservatively in a three piece black suit and diving flippers. My flopping around the courtroom again annoyed Judge Taylor and he stabbed me in the arm with a pencil. I took the hint and removed my diving flippers. In my socks I was able to gleefully slide across the courtroom, dramatically wagging an accusatory finger at the defendant. During the recess I put two empty Budweiser twelve pack boxes on my feet like Frankenstein's monster shoes and donned green grease paint. Was fined again. The judge let me keep the grease paint on but told me to lose the twelve pack boxes. I argued that given the weight of the crimes, I needed monster shoes to make my point and given that I didn't own any I was simply making due. The judge stabbed me with the pencil again and denied my motion that I sing my closing arguments with banjo accompaniment. What a dick!
Dear Diary, well despite my best efforts the defendant was found "not guilty by reason that the prosecuting attorney was an insane douche bag". Those stupid fuckers on that jury were a bunch of mongoloids anyway. Next time I'm just going to blow up the court house to make sure I win. In the mean time, my new Bat Mobile is ready for my next trial! Yay!
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