For Morticia

The most romantic, sentimental piece I have ever written in my lifetime involves two, venemous spiders : (Lactrotectous Mactanas or Lactrodectus Hesperus), commonly known as "The Black Widow Spider" and Loxosceles Ruclusa..a well-known member of the family Sicariidae (formerly placed in the family Loxoscelidae). ...more commonly referred to as "The Brown Recluse". I include this rather sappy poem as a testament to that fact that, when I am one day laid out on the cold slab of an autopsy room with my skull cap sawed off, with my intestines pulled out and the medical examiner staring in awe at the syrupy, sticky-sweet, black blobs of goo that pulse from my viens onto the tiled floor of the autopsy room, that eventually morph into deadly, giant scorpions, .....that I, Dan West, did once experience the human emotion known as "Love". This is for The Babby. My Morticia :

The Brown Recluse and The Black Widow Spider.

No matter their difference he hung right beside her.

Twas not in their nature to be happy together

And yet somehow these spiders seemed birds of a feather.

She, so born to be alone, and he, who's heart was made of stone, were so drawn as blood to bone,

but neither could possess or own.

Their love was odd, but it was true, so what could either spider do, but love each other for love's own sake, for nary a spider's heart to break.

Ever cautious, evermore, be damned the raven's, "Nevermore".

For the Brown Recluse did love the Widow, and caressed her legs in innuendo.

He forged a bow of silk and tack, he drew it taut, there was no slack,

then drew the bow across his back to serenade his Widow Black.

For just above his abdomen were markings of a violin.

And so his tune, so sweetly played, did woo her with its serenade.

And for the music so tender wrought, his Widow wrapped some flies she'd caught.

And so to her flaxen love she passed a bundle spun and tied with sash.

The bow was as crimson as blood from a gash,

and dyed to match her hourglass.

The Erotic Adventures of Charlie Chan

More self-amusement from Craig's List. It just never gets old.

If You Sexy, Me like! Me Squeeze Sex Parts! Call You Dicky Chaofang! - 39 (noe valley)
Reply to: mailto:pers-808034575@craigslist.org: 2008-08-22, 10:28AM PDT

Then the potato was placed among the children, who treated it as a human being...adorning it with eyes, feet, hands, lips, a top hat, a nose...even a nice pipe...they named the potato : "Mr. Potato Head"....which was puzzling as he should have been the more aptly titled : "Mr. Potato Whole Body Besides His Plastic Feet and Hands"

This did not prevent Hansel and Gretel from gnawing at the shingles of the candy cottage...Jesus! Like pigs they were! Fat,little, German fuckers.

Is it hot and squishy in here or is this just Craig's list personal ads? Here...inhale this helium...it will give you a high-pitched voice while I spank you. Do you like my facial tattoo? Yeahhhh I know...maybe a tribute to the films of Jerry Lewis was not the best choice for facial ink...but who doesn't love "The Errand Boy" or "Cinderfella"?

Do you always stuff your mouth with lemons on a first date? I'm sorry I have so many rubber spiders in my underpants...but damn...that wiggly, jiggly action make me feel so "saucy"! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I like the noise you make when I place my hands on your breasts...who knew you were such a big fan of Popeye? Is that cold spaghetti in your underwear or do you have a strange disease I should be aware of?


Creepy Man In Lab Coat Says He Wants To Be Your Gynecologist - 40 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-808084464@craigslist.org: 2008-08-22, 10:58AM PDT

And on the third day...or the fourth day....after God created clown greasepaint make-up, sexual intercourse, fried chicken, rubber vampire teeth and katsup...he said "Damn I'm good"...then fell asleep...

That was when the elves came...and when God awoke the next day he was surrounded by several pairs of shoes...."What the hell?" he thought to himself..."I didn't create all of these shoes....unless I was sleep walking again...that would explain the purple dragon that shits hot dogs and the parrot who talks like Jack Palance and has postage stamps where it's eyes should be...but these shoes...I'm not so sure"

On the fifth day God created Bela Lugosi, a small, red cowboy hat and two ding dongs...he wasn't feeling very adventurous on the fifth day as he was hung over after creating Mad Dog 20/20 and astronauts.

On the sixth Day he had a nice milkshake after creating chocolate syrup...then he pondered the shoes the elves had made. "Goddamn....I still can't figure out where the hell those shoes came from...the last ones I remember creating were made of wood...and that was just a joke on those Dutch people I created...and they actually fell for it...dummies"

Man With Teeth Made Of Legos and Gold Spray Paint Loves Ladies - 39 (SOMA / south beach)
Reply to: mailto:pers-808314992@craigslist.org: 2008-08-22, 1:16PM PDT

The sweltering heat forced Jocko to regret his choice of the Santa Claus costume...although he still believed the gold genie shoes to be an inspired touch. At least everyone in church took notice of him today.

Such a nice day for a funeral. In hindsight, Jocko thought writing "Battery operated dickweed" on his forehead was just a tad overboard, but the rubber bat earrings were friggin' awesome....Jocko resisted the urge to "high five" himself when thinking of the rubber bats. They went so well with the plastic vampire fangs.

Seeing as it was a funeral, Jocko loaded his Santa Claus coat pockets with diced onions to assure that he would produce the appropriate tears. "I smell oniony" he whispered over and over under his breath. The other mourners had given Jocko a very wide berth in which to pay his respects. That afforded him the chance to perform rim shots on the snare drum he'd brought whenever the priest said something funny

Man With Crabs Seeks His Mermaid - 38 (mission district)
Reply to: mailto:pers-808348133@craigslist.org: 2008-08-22, 1:38PM PDT

Wellllll HOOOOOOOOOWWWWWDDDDYYYYY! Jimmy Crackcorn doesn't really care...the selfish little bastard! I says to him...I says..."Hey, Jimmy Crackcorn...the goddamn barn's on fire!...you know what that self-center little shit says? ...He says "I don't care"...and I says..."You better start carin', Buster Brown" or there's gonna be Hell to pay...This little jerkoff says "I don't care"....

Then we all sing the chorus : "Hello...my name is Corky! I am from Outer Space and have Christmas tree bulbs for testicles"

Enter Man dressed like Abe Lincoln...but instead of pants he wears a leopard skin print thong stuffed with pickles. Abe does a very funny dance..

Then we bring out the intoxicated leprechauns and the drag queen dressed as Joan Crawford.The drag queen beats the leprechauns with a wire hanger until they begin to scream..

then we all go trick or treating. When we get home we punch Grandma in the face and all cram into the same dirty sleeping bag for hot sex

Man Who Keeps Sticky Barbie Dolls Under Bed Seeks Hot Girlfriend - 39 (haight ashbury)
Reply to: mailto:pers-808518258@craigslist.org: 2008-08-22, 3:34PM PDT

Lucifer Bourbongranny wanted it all : Love, sex, bling, a phat ride, hoes, bitches, oatmeal raisin cookies, air sick bags, an aardvark, a picturesque view of the city dump, a suitcase filled with random severed body parts, a red light bulb, an onion with a funny face drawn on it, a wax figure of Bob Denver as Gilligan from the television show "Gilligan's Island", a bag of marbles, cheap condoms, a jar of fish eyeballs, a two-headed monkey, a cyclops, a monocle shop, his own brand of spaghetti sauce, some pantie hose fashioned into a mask, a cigar box filled with a midget's pubic hair, a milk carton filled with old motor oil,his own clown.

He was a man of high standards and low morals...a man who's ups and downs were as sideways as his ins and outs...and yes I mean that in a sexual way...all covered in rich, dark chocolate and covered with whip cream...but instead of a cherry...it was all topped with a red clown nose he borrowed from his own private clown (Captain Po Po Fish Bitches).

He dreamed of one day running his own hot dog stand...but instead of hot dogs he would sell human fingers on sticks dipped in "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" Someday the world would be Lucifer's Oyster...and he wants YOU to be his hoe, baby!

Grown Man Dressed As Harry Potter Thinks He's Cute But Seems Retarded - 41 (potrero hill)
Reply to: mailto:pers-808580114@craigslist.org: 2008-08-22, 4:21PM PDT

Bobo toiled away, night and day...sun up to sundown..plowing and tilling his onion field...but without luck...instead he yielded only a vast harvest of potatoes...which all slightly resembled the face of Jack Klugman. His recently purchased Captain Crunch costume was now caked with dirt from the onion field (that kept yielding only potatoes).

Once, Bobo actually found a human head growing out of the ground.Oddly enough this one didn't look like Jack Klugman...it just looked like some other guy's head...and maybe in hadn't so much grown out of the ground as it had maybe been deposited there by the person who may have removed it with what may have been a hatchet.

Bobo's bottom itched from the hairbrush he kept there and his false teeth were sticky with Elmer's glue...next time he would go to an actual dentist rather than attempting to make his own. Life sucked ass but Bobo was just too goddamn stupid to realize it. What an idiot.

Expired Postage

I have a rotten habit of amusing myself by posting ridiculous and idiotic crap in the personals section of Craig's List. This NEVER fails to give me a cheap laugh. I never thought to copy the actual text of this stupid shit, but I did save several of the post titles that appeared in "Men Seeking Women" over the years. Here are a few :

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Man with Christ Complex seeks Woman Who Thinks She's Hitler

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Popeye Look-Alike Seeks Woman in Werewolf Costume for LTR

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Uncle Sam Impersonator seeks Woman Dressed as Minotaur for LTR

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Sweet, Sensitive Irishman seeks Woman with Beard and Magic Turban

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Sweet, lonely SF guy seeks Inflatable Woman made of Rubber for LTR

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Creepy, Baby-like Man child seeks Woman in a Crow Costume for LTR

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) ROBOTIC ,UPTIGHT A-HOLE SEEKS BOOBY LADY WITH FISH FACE

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) A Reason to Love Bobby

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Shiftless Dullard seeks Super Foxy Chick!!! Partay!

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Mr. Creamy Seeks Woman Made of Plastic and ice cubes

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Darth Vader seeks Don Knotts for LTR

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Man in Hot Dog Costume seeks Woman in Hot Dog costume for LTR

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) I hold boobs for you

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Hey Ladies! Manny's back!

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Ape-like Creature seek dead fish with onion brain
POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Super Hot Male Sexual Dynamo seeks Foxy Lady Made of Wax

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Super Hot Latino Is Too Good Looking And Must Be Shared

POST/EDIT/DELETE : (men seeking women) Man With The Head Of A Salamander Seeks Naked Lady Covered in Earwigs

This Week's Magical Craig's List Personal Ads

For anyone who gives a rat's ass about my rotten habit/rotten hobby/rotten way of providing myself with cheap laughs...here you go :

Weird Man With Pantie Hose Mask On Head Seeks Hot Girlfriend - 39 (castro / upper market)

Reply to: mailto:pers-795662025@craigslist.org Date: 2008-08-13, 5:02PM PDT

Come let us play with these hand puppets. They shouldn't be that sticky as I've had them sterilized. You sit in the play pen and I'll pour chili on you while you you make a weird high-pitched noise with the plastic nose flute. Then we'll each drink a gallon of bourbon and see who can eat the most hot dogs in the shortest period of time. Who doesn't enjoy a nice egg salad? (Cue U.F.O. landing sound effect) then we pretend we are speaking Mandarin...but it's really just gibberish...

Nude Man In Turban Pretends He is Sexual Genie - 38 (potrero hill)

Reply to: mailto:pers-795799056@craigslist.org Date: 2008-08-13, 6:54PM PDT

Let us make love in a bathtub full of mustard...or your condiment of choice...perhaps you prefer tartar sauce..or A-1 steak sauce...doesn't matter...but my personal preference leans toward mustard....just so we have that clear. Be nice to me and I will let you wear the snowman costume. we will eat zingers under the stars and make love with marionettes...(that's "WITH" and not "TO"). You can be the hot cheerleader and I will be the man on the Brawny paper towel label. I will apply expired postage stamps to your nipples and baste you with lemon juice and onions. You can change your name to Gerald Candycorn and I will be Lord Willie Danceabout. And don't forget the wax lips

Horrible, Smelly Mutant With Misshapen Head Seek Lady For Mating - 40 (potrero hill)

Reply to: mailto:pers-795594956@craigslist.org Date: 2008-08-13, 4:12PM PDT

Papa Jupiter seek lady with boobs and child hip for mating in desert cave. Give you many animal bone necklace and human ear necklace...wrap you in coyote hide furs for keeping warm in freezing night. Cook you human baby...fat and juicy I stole from trailer. Be my woman! Be my woman for mating! We make many mutant cannibal children...roam desert raiding innocent victims...eat much human flesh and steal shiny object for trading! Also sensitive and caring for mating woman...love art and music and long walks in burning desert sand...protect you from radiation...Be my woman now!

Man With Sausage Down Pants Tries To Impress The Ladies - 39 (noe valley)

Reply to: mailto:pers-795632101@craigslist.org Date: 2008-08-13, 4:39PM PDT

Harold wanted nothing more than to impress the hot, lusty ladies with his new groin appendage enhancement device. It was indeed impressive if not slightly frightening. Harold had made sure he received maximum exposure but buying pants that were two sizes too small for him. Accompanying the sausage were two lemons placed on either side of the beef-based enhancement device. Harold made a point to force his groin outward so that it protruded obscenely before his person. When a sexy lady passed by him at the roller disco, Harold would point to his groin and nod slightly to the passing woman of his fancy. This would be accompanied by the sound of a bicycle horn that Harold wore on the belt of his absurdly tight slacks. Once this ritual was performed, Harold would signal his friend Bo Bo the Clown to begin circling the woman on his unicycle while juggling bowling pins painted to resemble nude women. Next Harold would offer the woman a carton of melting ice cream and a tin of shoe polish so that she might apply a Groucho Marx moustache. Then he would smash a cheeseburger between his buttocks and growl like a werewolf. Then came the hand puppets...but that's another story for another day.

You : Glasses, Nice Cleavage,Tattoos,Nerdy Girl, Me: Chewbacca Costume - 39 (nob hill)

Reply to: mailto:pers-795895932@craigslist.org Date: 2008-08-13, 8:19PM PDT

Man it's hot in this fucker...I hope someone responds to this posting soon or I may pass out....God! it's hot in this fucking thing....when I bought this on eBay I thought it would really pull the foxy chicks....but now it just smells like urine and B.O.,.....I suppose I should stop wearing it to work...or at least have it dry cleaned...Hard to breathe...so hairy...can barely make wacky Chewbacca growling sound...sweat pouring into eyes...can barely type sensual, Chewbacca-related posting to attract all of the hot, nerdy girls...so sweaty..like a fucking furnace....even that stupid hot dog costume I used to have to wear was better than this...Goddamn....this sucks....so hot...so stifling..... Do you like onions? I do...well...I like the word "onion"...it's fun to say that word..."onion"...but all of this sweat....and the urine stench...I should have washed this costume after I purchased it on ebay....eeeeebbbbayyyy...help me...help me be cool to the nerdy cleavage girls.....tell them I am only a fake Chewbacca......Chew-Bacc-ca...even the name sounds funny...I'm melting...in my Chewbacca costume....

Going To The John

Me like John Waters. John Waters=Good...The man is a dyed-in-the-wool, obsessive eccentric. He is a man who has no absolutely no qualms about trumpeting his quirky fascinations through a metaphorical megaphone. He is a fascinating lunatic. He is a man I admire. He is a man after my own weird heart. I am a man of many obsessions, and so I do take great delight when these obsessions cross paths...when my heroes join forces to form a kind of truly twisted gestalt...and John Waters, above all else has delighted me to no end in this fashion.

He has become a cross-reference among so many of my obsessions and heroes that it has become difficult to keep track of just how many of my favorite humans that Mr. Waters has collaborated with. Not only has he appeared as a character on The Simpsons, but has also suffered a hideous death at the hands of Chucky the killer doll as sleazy tabloid reporter "Pete Peters" in "Bride of Chucky". He portrayed Sean Penn's slightly sleazy, musical benefactor, Mr. Haynes, in Woody Allen's "Sweet and Lowdown", employed one of my all-time favorite bands, L7 , as the band "Camel Lips" in "Serial Mom", and also appeared as a perverted priest in Herschell Gordon Lewis' and David F. Friedman's exploitation swansong, "Blood Feast 2: All You Can Eat". ...now that is a goddamn filmography to be reckoned with in my book. Something more akin to P.T. Barnum than Steven Spielberg on the Internet Movie Database. And that is only the tip of the nutty John Waters iceberg....for I am only naming the films in which one of my favorite lunatics has crossed paths with some of my other favorite loonies . When an obsession meets another obsession, something magical can happen. John Waters, Chucky, Herschell Gordon Lewis, David F. Friedman, L-7, Woody Allen, The Simpsons....tis' the stuff of magic

Wee Wee, Monsieur!

You know, I have heard people use the phrase "I laughed so hard, I almost peed my pants!" time and time again. Now I must say, as a person who loves to laugh...well I find this hard to believe in most circumstances. You see...I once actually did laugh so hard that I pissed myself...ONCE....I was approximately eight or nine years old...I was at a stranger's house...an acquaintance of my mother's who may have sold either Tupperware or Avon products...it was so long ago I cannot recall the reason for this visit or really even who the woman was, but I do remember she had a son...and I was sent to play with this kid in his room while the adults did whatever they were doing, negotiating a big Tupperware deal or applying cheap lipstick...who knows?

For some odd reason this kid had a plastic Colonel Sanders Halloween mask...why on Earth he would have a mask depicting the face of the founder of the Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise I have no idea...I have asked myself since then if I was either embellishing this or hallucinating...did they really make a Colonel Sanders Halloween costume back in the seventies?

I have found no proof of the existence of such a costume on the Internet...but this is what I remember...I remember some weird, little fucker in a plastic Colonel Sanders mask...and I can still see it in my head..and it will probably come back to haunt me during a funeral service or symphony performance...some time when laughter is the most inappropriate thing on your mental menu.

So standing before me is an eight year old child I have just met who is now wearing a Colonel Sanders mask and, suddenly, without warning or for any particular reason, this kid simply flipped his goddamn lid...he went nuts...spinning around and screaming and running into walls. It was like the scene in "Alien" when Ash ( Ian Holm) is discovered to be a robot and completely malfunctions...all this kid needed was a mouthful of milk to spit in all directions and it would have been a near exact recreation of that scene. It was the most insane and unexpected display of behavior I had ever scene...it was literally psychotic...it was also one of the most fucking hilarious things I have EVER seen a person do in my lifetime...and to this day it still makes me laugh. What a weird thing to do. I laughed so hard I couldn't stop..and the more I laughed, the more spastic this miniature fried chicken mogul became...until my bladder simply could not withstand the hilarity. I do believe that moment in my life, oddly enough, had one of the greatest impacts on my character as a human being. It was like a soon-to-be-full blown junkie getting their very first shot of heroin. It had a power that was all-consuming. I had laughed so hard it became literally euphoric.

Certain moments in a person's life forge one's character, be it the tragedy of a loved one's passing, your first kiss, witnessing an axe murder or losing your virginity. For whatever reason these moments leave an indelible mark on one's personality that can never be undone...for me one of those moments happened to involve a psychotic eight year old kid in a Colonel Sanders mask.

How do you say "Yo, Pookie!" in Yiddish?

Some things are just bad ideas. Like changing your name to "Gilligan McFuckhole", drinking lighter fluid or using your own feces as Pomade. Using dirt to make chocolate milk might also be added to that list, as well as trying to have anal intercourse with a ventriloquist dummy and putting a live scorpion in your mouth.

There are all sorts of unpleasant and idiotic things that one might do in a flight of retarded fancy. You might like to don a werewolf mask and frighten elderly people in a public park...or pull your teeth out with pliers and then replace them with candy corn....both are truly rotten ideas. Speaking of truly rotten, you might want to stop eating those Easter eggs you found in the backyard...when was the last time you actually remember hiding Easter eggs? Using Comet cleanser as a replacement for powdered sugar wasn't such a hot one...nor was making blueberry muffins with black widow spiders instead of blueberries.

You might want to consider leaving the Uncle Sam top hat at home before the next job interview...as well as the sparklers and Mr. Spock mask. All food for thought.

PCP does not make The Chinese New Year parade more fun...it makes it downright scary.

In short...look before you leap, people. I don't want to have to bring up these subjects again, as I figured most of them would have been fairly obvious.

yours truly,

Gilligan McFuckhole

Billie Jean Is Not My Lover

Billie Jean is not my lover

She's just a girl...who says I am the one...but the kid is not my son.

or (begin Billie Jean beat and sing in a weird high-pitched voice)
Billy Jean is not my girlfirend

she's simply an aquaintance...who has filed a paternity suit against me..

but the child is not my offspring.... (sound of bicycle horn honking here)

Billy Jean is not my soulmate

she's quite simply someone who I once had sexual relations with

but we took precautions and I've submitted DNA for testing (funny BOING sound here)
(then sounds of cats screeching and yowling here)

(Then cut and paste a funny picture of yourself here wearing an amusing Halloween costume)
repeat chorus in latin.

Choochie And Jo Jo The Two-Headed Clown

Choochie and Jo Jo are sad. No one want to be their friend. The children, they no laugh at Choochie and Jo Jo. They scream when Choochie and Jo Jo try to show them funny juggling and magic trick. They run home, tell parents scary two-headed clown try to eat them. Mean parents get torches and shot guns and pitch forks....chase Choochie and Jo Jo into forest. Wolves try to eat Choochie and Jo Jo. They cry many sad tear of sorrow.

Maybe you like be their friend? Friend in need is friend indeed. You rub ointment in itchy spots on buttocks? Please help Choochie and Jo Jo.

Three Chickens For Newton

Newton began January 7th, 1983 as he did any other day...by waking up and slowly rising from his cardboard box tucked into the dark corner of Granny Ringworm's damp basement. He knew not womankind. The stirring emotions and deep longings within him puzzled him so.
Granny had left him her dinner scraps in the rusty bucket inside the dumbwaiter. Today breakfast would be a few crusts of bread and a bit of over-cooked pork loin. How Newton longed to eat three chickens. He was unable to articulate this culinary pipe dream to anyone but Granny Ringworm, who would beat him without mercy and spit heavy globs of phlegm into his face each time the request of three chickens was proposed.

Help Newton fulfill his dream. This can be achieved by drawing a picture of Newton...(He is a 45 year old, balding man-child who sports a filthy, cloth diaper and tattered Adam Rich t-shirt) . Then create a simple maze configuration with a drawing of three, cooked chickens situated at the outlet of the maze opposite your drawing of Newton.

With a yellow crayon draw a crooked line from Newton, leading through the maze to the chickens. When this is completed, shove the drawing into your mouth and force it down your throat with a sharpened pencil.

After this has been done, strip naked and cover your body with feces, and simply run down the street shrieking at the top of your lungs and waving a large, meat cleaver. And please don't forget to shove the crayon up you ass.
Newton will thank you

The Most Important Films Of All Time

1.) Pieces (1982). "It's exactly what you think it is".
2.) The Car (1977)
3.) The Curse of Bigfoot (1976)
4.) Shriek of the Mutilated (1974)
5.) King Kong Lives (1986)
6.) Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
7.) The Human Tornado (1976)
8.) Snow White and The Three Stooges (1961)
9.) The Legend of Boggy Creek (1972)
10.) The Wizard of Gore (1970)
11.) They Saved Hitler's Brain (1963)
12.) Plan Nine From Outer Space (1959)
13.) The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962)
14.) Petey Wheatstraw (1977)
15.) Matango : Fungus of Terror (1963)
16.) The Green Slime (1968)
11.) The Creeping Terror (1964)
12.) Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla (1952)
13.) Blood Feast (1963)
14.) Kiss Meets The Phantom of The Park (1978)
15.) The Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires (1974)
16.) Dracula vs Frankenstein (1971)
17.) Billy the Kid versus Dracula (1966)
18.) Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter (1966)
19.) Lady Frankenstein (1971)
20.) Fat Guy goes Nutzoid (1986)
21.) Brainiac (1962)
22.) The Killer Shrews (1959)
23.) Can't Stop The Music (1980)
24.) Werewolves on Wheels (1971)
25.) The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)
26.) The Erotic Adventures of Pinocchio (1971)
tagline: "It's not his nose that grows"
27.) Black Devil Doll from Hell (1984)
28.) Gymkata (1985)
29.) Hard Rock Zombies (1985)
30.) Rock and Roll Nightmare (1987)
to be continued........or not...this shit could go on for all eternity

Spam spam spam! And spam!

I'm not sure if anyone else has experienced this odd phenomenon, but about a year ago I realized I was receiving numerous pornographic *SPAM* emails from celebrities and character actors....not real ones of course...but well...I like to think that celebrities are taking time out of their busy schedules to send me links to porn sites, so for the sake of my own amusement I pretend they are the real deal. Before I realized this was going to be an ongoing occurance I deleted a few that I now wish I had saved...such as Margot Kidder...BUT...I have saved a treasure trove of pornographic hilarity from other stars. Here is my list so far :

(And no, I am not embellishing this )
1.) Terry Gilliam (lesbian teen titslicking @ muffdived)

2.)Winnona Ryder (maature lesbian riding strap-on dick)

3.) Janet Jackson ( cut young camille shows huge boobs outdoor)

4.) Martin Landau (cuite t,een fuiked haricore in bald puissy elbow)

5.) Christian Bale (t,een gives bowijob & gets fingered blown)

6.) Eddie Bracken (cuite t,een in perverted 3some fingered dying)

7.) Gary Oldman (hot horny blond t,een gets aiss licked rosy)

8.) Sarah Polley (SeyXually-Emxplyicit: date her toys fact)

9.) Eva Marie Saint (Neww password band speak lewis tail)

10.) David Duchovny (SEUXALLY EPXLICIT : lost is tate now)

11.) Alyssa Milano (Deep are)

12.) Jon Lovitz (SEUUXALLY EXDPLUCIT : rare maps rest wore)

13.) Vincent Gallo (SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT : safe bittill new password)

14.) John Hurt (Sexually-Explicit kind hopeleast new password)

15.) Jennifer Tilly (SELUXAL-EPLIXIT led built roof searls new password)

16.) Charlotte Rampling (chick pulls skirt up and her panties down cake)

17.) Mira Sorvino (Couple Swapping Wife much walks)

18.) Ian Holm (Hottie sycks dlk slept tie)

19.) Jennifer Lopez (SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT coach turn James foster titles)

20.) Tara Reid (WIld Lesbiians fuukcing one not bitch)

21.) Ralph Fiennes (amateur blonde babe strips panties plays pussiy)

22.) Anthony Hopkins (yuoung busty girl apple)

23.) Luke Perry (tasty bikini fuukc cured)

24. Peter Ustinov (lesbiian diLdo seix why)

Cuss Words, let 'em roll!

Sometimes I wish my voice sounded just like Mercedes McCambridge who performed the "possessed" voice of Lind Blair in the "Exorcist". How wonderful would that be? It would make cursing even more delightful! Maybe if I smoke enough cigarettes and drink enough alcohol my wish will come true!

Mr. Kooky Pockets

I have been told by several people who have either borrowed a jacket of mine or rifled through my pockets for any given reason, that I keep some very strange things on my person. A few weeks ago my ex-girlfriend returned a coat of mine that I had left in her closet. Upon returning it she informed me of the contents of the pockets..stating "you also had a bloody, rubber finger in there.". Another friend who borrowed an overcoat of mine was shocked by my magician-like pockets, later telling me of his amazement at the bizarre assortment of crap that he found in them....rubber monster teeth, an eye patch, cryptic pages of movie ideas, a plastic Black Widow spider...the list went on and on. My current pocket contents are equally strange...Squeaky Fromme's address, a monocle, a list of celebrity names and porn links that were sent to me using their names..(see previous blog)...an old police report I gave when a nutcase neighbor decided he might like to kill me.

Maybe I should actually become a magician...or a circus clown...I think they like to pull weird shit out of their pockets, don't they? I've never been to the circus but I'm pretty sure that's the case.
I remember reading in John Waters' "Shock Value" that he was once arrested for driving home drunk with slashed tires and that when he emptied his pockets he experienced the same sort of occurrence...finding , among other things, a rubber rat. Sounds perfectly normal to me. I probably have one in a coat pocket somewhere myself.

The Genie Smelled Of Liquor

Aladdin could see immediately that the genie was intoxicated. The smell of alcohol wafting throughout the smoke that preceded the genie's manifestation from the magic lamp was enough of a foreshadowing that things were about to go South very quickly.

The genie stood before Aladdin, swaying drunkenly and attempting to focus his bloodshot eyes.
"I am the genie of the lamp" he slurred, following this proclamation with a loud belch.
He was a powerfully-built genie, sporting a scruffy, black beard, large belly and puffy, heavy-lidded eyes. He resembled the type of brute that might appear in an Italian horror film circa 1978, but was dressed more like a break dancer from the 1980s in his puffy, pink pants, red vest and yellow turban. Sometimes the genie wore a blue baseball cap on which was printed his trademark catch phrase: "I am the genie of the lamp".

Aladdin began to regret calling upon his thuggish, magical servant. He would be in no mood to grant wishes in his intoxicated state.
The genie stumbled forward, attempting to keep his balance. Losing this battle of equilibrium, he finally crashed forward into a table, spewing fruit and wine in all directions. He landed flat on his fleshy face, emitting a deep moan as he faded into unconsciousness.

The End.

There Will Be Mayonaise

Being one possessed of a single-minded sense of purpose, I toiled for years in the mayonaise mines of Wilkinson Hollow...hoping to strike a rich vein. Determined to find my fortune in rich, creamy pools of "white gold" I worked my fingers to the bone sun up to sundown....with my skeletonized hands I dug at the rocky earth, seeking the condiment of the gods....the stuff of which dreams are made...mayonaise!
during my trials and tribulations as a would-be mayonaise baron and full blown alcoholic, I did ponder certain thoughts that had been nagging me...like a mosquito buzzing in my ear:

1.) "Twinkie"...what a funny word

2.) Cleavage = Good

3.) A puppeteer is like God with little, fake, wooden people

4.) It must be fucking hot inside a bear costume

5.) Joe Besser sucked as one of the Three Stooges

6.) Why was there a griffin down in the caves in "The Golden Voyage Of Sinbad"?

7.) It would be cool to be Fu Manchu next Halloween

8.) I should of bought that DVD of "Werewolves On Wheels" for seven bucks.

9.) I always thought doing magic tricks was sort of gay

A Chocolate Martian For Rothchild

Who doesn't love a nice Zinger? Not a snappy joke....I mean the delicious snack cake from Dolly Madison. Ahhhh Dolly Madison....not only the inventor of the Zinger but also an American First Lady (1809-1817). Impressive!...Dolly Madison...the name sounds like something you might buy off a rack in a sex toy shop...so does "Zinger" for that matter...but we aren't here to discuss inflatable Dolly Madisons or the Zingers to probe them with...we are here, for better or worse, to discuss the rather odd birthday present you delivered to Gaylord Rothchild, III on his 40th...the big "4-O"....

Do you honestly believe that a partially-eaten, chocolate Martian wrapped in green tin foil was the wisest choice? And did you really have to swill 5, 40 ounce bottles of Country Club Malt Liquor in his "honor"? Your rapid decent into a drunken frenzy was nothing short of horrifying...the children will never recover...well, not unless someone invents a cure for death. Did you really have to kill the children? And no, to belatedly answer your question, we had never seen the movie, "When A Stranger Calls".

I'm afraid your "generous" offer of free banjo lessons is hardly going to smooth things over....your behavior was inexcusable...and the fact that you happened to be wearing a Creature From The Black Lagoon Costume at the time (for God knows what reason) does not make you unaccountable for your inebriated shenanigans!
You should be ashamed of yourself....if you were even capable of being such...which you obviously are not

Baby Daddy Loves Him Some Klingons

As the pulsating beat of that watershed classic, "Disco Duck", permeated the cloying, smoky atmosphere of the roller disco, I paused briefly to adjust the cucumber inside my tight, gold, silk shorts. It had fallen lopsided to the left and my efforts to keep the fleshy fruit protruding straight forward were being constantly thwarted by the swaying of my hips to the funky disco beat.

Alas, this was not resulting in the sweaty orgy that I had hoped would commence in the back of my customized Chevy Van by 9 pm. Not even my offers of a free breast and or buttock massage were having any effect on the foxy ladies. Some of them even asked me why I constantly referred to myself in the third person...to which I always answered, "Because Jerry likes the name, Jerry, Baby! WOOOOOOO!" One chick even tried to remove the pantie hose from my head, claiming I was "That dickhead from the ladies' room at the drive in".
Perhaps I shouldn't have replaced the wheels of my roller skates with Libby's pudding cups. One of them burst open on the rink and splashed chocolate pudding everywhere, causing several people to slip and fall.

The Case Of The Chewy Underpants

As I donned the Colonel Sanders mask and removed my clothing, it occurred to me that this was not going to be just any ordinary day...I had already eaten an entire "pest strip" covered in a black mass of dead houseflies and washed it down with a can of paint thinner. Funny how two hits of PCP can really steer one's morning in a whole new, unexpected direction.

Here I was crouching naked in a closet with an axe, hiding from what I had come to call "The blueberry ghost monster man with that chicken thing growing out of its head"...hence the Colonel Sanders mask...I figured I could at least attempt to put the fear of God into the "chicken thing"..if not "The blueberry ghost monster man"....in any case...neither was going to get me without a fight.

I attempted to call in sick for work this morning but all I managed to leave on the voicemail system was some screaming gibberish about a werewolf with rattlesnakes coming out of its eye sockets and how I had trapped it inside the toilet. It had shrunk at one point so that it could attempt to crawl inside of my brain via my right ear...that was when I had trapped it inside the toilet bowl.

Maybe I can convince the dragon that keeps popping out of the oven to come to my aid...or the magical Chinaman who's floating above the hamper in the master bedroom.

A Personal Matter

I am addicted to posting ridiculous fake personal ads in the "Men Seeking Women" section of Craig's List. Something about seeing such ridiculous gibberish posted on a public forum cracks me up. I can post these things all day long and never get tired of how funny it all seems next to the Burning Man dickweeds trying to get laid. Here are a few recent posts :

Man With Tuba Up Butt Can Make Funny Sounds For Lady

Reply to: <pers-776531801@craigslist.orgDate: 2008-07-30, 2:20PM

Let's get "Jiggy Wit it" Baby! You and me! We'll tie the knot...preferablly in our underwear...furry underwear.....with wodden shoes on so we can go "Clickity click...clickity click" like the little Dutch Boy on the paint can. I'll rub your breasts with lemons and feed you handfuls of beef jerky under the stars. I have seen it in my magic eight ball...tis our destiny....that we may rub our privates with mayonaise and dance the dance of the elves...here...smell my shoe.... The pickles are in the cellar and are ready for Granny's barn dance. Here...closely examine this painting of a zerba I painted while in the "joint"...notice anything strange about it?...I mean...aside from the fact that it has Adolf Hitler's head and is wearing clown shoes...

Wacky Guy in HiIlary Clinton Mask Seeks Girl Who Smells like Mildew

Reply to: <pers-733661287@craigslist.orgDate: 2008-06-26, 12:48PM

And then, just when Beepo, the little hispanic boy thought he was safe, the men in the dragon constume attacked! Grrrrrr! they growled..."We are the dragon of Aganogonwogga!"....The Mushroom people tried to help little Beepo but the dangerous cannibals inside the dragon costume had biten his legs and arms and head off...leaving only his torso. Such a sad day for young Beepo. The Taco Titan cried tears of sadness as the man in the bow tie beat him with many varieties of dead fish...a yah, the Lord did speak..."Do unto pinheads as the ventriloquist doth do to thyne concert pianists"...and the clouds did part...and the angels did eat paste. Cluck cluck goes the chicken when milkman doth singith his milkman's creed! Let me take you away from all of this pain and sadness and sexual frustration...to a magic land where people walk upside down and skunks are 8 feet long and wear vampire capes and eat elderly people who are too slow to make it to the underground shelter when the alarms are triggered.. All hail the second-rate Charlie Chaplin impersonator! Long may he reign! I love you! Now lets take off all of your clothes..here..put on this Fu Manchu costume

Wiggly, Jiggly Vasaline-covered Tyrant seeks Inflatable Woman

Reply to: <pers-733492218@craigslist.orgDate: 2008-06-26, 10:44AM

look! Up in the sky! It's a goddamn flyin' nazi! Holy cow! Let us swim in rivers of chocolate and prance in the fields of hot dog trees! Don't mind my Mr. Peanut Costume...it comes with the job. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air....at least I think it's love...it smells I bit like bum urine...but I'm sure that will pass. Did you cry when Bambi's mother was shot? Did you guffaw when Jerry Lewis said "Hoivin!" Let us paint the town plaid and steal the dentures of the elderly so that we each have really big teeth....and with our big, elderly teeth we shall bite the children who travel through the warbrobe to Narnia... Ahhhh Narnia...where the Yetis dance and the Dentists paint unflattering portraits of Jack Palance! What joys this world offers.. Let us seize the day as we seize each others private parts so that we may "get jiggy wid it" let me rub mayonaise in your hair and bathe you in cheap vodka, my darling

Pregnant Half Chicken Man seeks Woman with Hitler Moustache

Reply to: <pers-733463667@craigslist.orgDate: 2008-06-26, 10:23AM

Hello all you sexy, saucy ladies..my name is ROLO..and I'm an affectionate, sword-swallowing, fetus-juggling Genie...yes the Genie of the lamp...here to grant your every sexual wish..(gong sound effect) Like that one about the Ostrich egg....or the Bowling pin and chocolate bar fantasy. Come on Baby! Let me shiver yer timbers! Let me bolt your doors and lock your windows! Let me be the Popeye to your Olive Oyl...Let me stick a yam up your butt... This is the sound a choo choo train makes : Chuga chuga chuga Woo woo! Oh no! Jimmy wrote his name in feces on the wall again! Uh Oh Juuuuungo! Yours truly, Malcom Q. Douchebag, Esquire

Strange Man In Leather Thong And Cowboy Hat Wants To Touch Your Butt

Reply to: <pers-776714905@craigslist.orgDate: 2008-07-30, 4:47PM

Hey there all you SEXY LADIES!!!!!! WWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! They call me "Big Freddy". "They" being the voices in my head. You may have seen me out near Pico's Taco Stand...I was the guy dressed as the big taco waving to cars. Yep...that was me...the one with melted chocolate all over his lips. Do you believe in Sasquach? I've seen him...up yonder in Northern California. Do you like my thong? I think it makes me look like a sexual gladiator...ready for the conquest! GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! Go get 'em Big Freddy! It smells a little funny because of the ointment I got from the doctor...he said it would make the drips go bye bye birdie! You ever see that musical? Did it mention anything about the ointment? I love a nice big glass of rum! I'm like a pirate...but I'm like a butt pirate because I love to touch the ladies' butts...they're all round and squishy...like a big squishy thing with a crack in the middle...not like Humpty Dumpty...more like....like an octopus head...or a couple of them put really close together. I sure hope this rash goes away soon. They won't let me wear the giant taco suit until it does....puts a dent in Big Freddy's paycheck. Lets get together and make love in some bushes....I'll bring the krinkle cut french fries and you can bring the dog leash. I will talk like heep big Ingun Chief! How!

Man In Rainbow Afro Wigs Wants To Eat Fig Newtons Out Of Your Panties

Reply to: <pers-776621470@craigslist.orgDate: 2008-07-30, 3:29PM

Judge not, lest yee be judged...Is it wrong to have a strong sexual attraction to Ronald McDonald? Is is wrong to love a big-breatsed woman on stilts talking in a funny, fake Chinese accent with hilarious buck teeth in her mouth and wearing coke bottle glasses like Mickey Rooney in "Breakfast At Tiffany's"?... Is it wrong to keep a box of sticky,naked Barbie dolls under your filthy basement cot? If Momma finds them they'll be Hell to pay...you bet yo ass Joseefus! Feets don't fails me now! Do you like my tight, silky, gold shorts and mesh tank top? My tube sox are just painted on...they aren't real....go ahead...put your hand down my shorts...there's a special surprise in there...just like a box of Cracker Jacks...but this surprise is more penis-shaped.I've legally changed my name to "Twinkie McDicknose". I also play bass for a heavy Metal band called "Whiplash Chicken"...we shread! Who doesn't love a nice soap box derby?

Baby Man Rub Lady with Chocolate? Put Twinkie in Butt?

Reply to: <pers-776649899@craigslist.orgDate: 2008-07-30, 3:52PM

Jerry Lewis Impersonator: NIIIIICCCEEEE LLAAADYYYYY!!!! HOIVEN!

Woman in Milk Maid Outfit: Hey Honeychild...how you like THESE CANS? (Car horn sound effect and slide whistle)

Jerry Lewis Impersonator: OHHHHHHHHH FEEELLLLS FUNNY FEELING IN MY UNDERPANTSEN IN THE TROUSERS OF THE THING! HOIVEN!

Enter Man dressed as Hilter.

Man Dressed as Hilter : Is it hot in here or am I just dressed like Hitler? (Uproarious laughter from laugh track)

The narrator, dressed as Mark Twain, turns to the audience with a bit of homespun wisdom.

Narrator/Mark Twain : This play is like a baby covered in mayonaise...all slippery, and squeally and craps in its diapers and has an over-sized head.

Shot of audience looking puzzled at this last statement. Narrator/Mark Twain grunts like an ape, reaches into his pants and pulls out a handful of feces which he heaves at the disgusted audience members. Curtain lowers The End

(This last one was flagged as inappropriate and removed)

Weird Guy Holding Tiolet Brush Wants To Buy You A Drink You Sexy Thang - 37 (SOMA / south beach)

Well Chim Chiminey Chim Chim Churee, fancy meeting you here after all these drinks. I wore my yellow overalls with no shirt as you requested, my fair lady....see...I really DO have that much hair on my back....and on my buttocks as well....it hides the pimples and boils....as well as those pesky ticks. You may wonder why I am wearing this rubber Medusa Mask...well I thought it would help hide the scars...and help cover the bad breath. I wore the name tag so you would know my name is "Magic Charlie". I got that nickname because I pull all kinds of things out of my pants....weird things...sticky things...like puppets....and lumps of peanut butter covered in pubic hair. It's just a talent I suppose. My friend Earl says I should charge addmission to see me perform...but I'm not that charming...at least not without the funny light up Jesus thing that I bought in the Mission.. Do you like hot dogs? I can buy you one...if we can find a hot dog stand...I'll even wash my hands. I don't do that for just anybody...but you're a foxy momma...love that cleavage....I'd like to put tomato paste on your boobs and refer to them as "tomatas"...that would be funny...I would laugh at that..."tomatas"...you know...like "Tomatoes" but with a New York accent...that would be funny. I could charge admission to that....I'm funny...everyone thinks so. Hey look! There's free gum on the bottom of my shoe! SCORE!

Nutty Italian Organ Grinder with Monkey Seeks Lady With Big Boobs

Reply to: <pers-776497976@craigslist.orgDate: 2008-07-30, 1:55PM

Hey! Attsa Some-a Spicey Meat-a balla! You like-a Peppi ? Do you know the Lyrics to Casper The Freindly Ghost's theme song? If so...may I remove your nightgown and drip candle wax on your rather hairy buttocks? EWWW! You know you have a growth that resembles a starfish growing on your ass? Ever milked a cow? How about a midget? A cruel midget...the kind who steals from the blind...and throws bowling pins at the elderly.. Do you smell Onions?